Anonymous
10/06/2019 13:49
Subject: Re:Parents who don't intervene -- why not?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I find the arguments being posed by non-toddler moms hypocritical honestly.
There is no way if you were in your own backyard with your own kids (ranging from crawling/walking-10 years old) and they were all playing on the swing set that you would not expect your older kids to watch out for the younger ones.
There is no way that if you are at someone else's house and they have a younger kid that you just expect the younger kid to stay out of your kids way.
If your kid can watch out for their sibling, they can watch out for other kids.
This is an interesting point- I would, I assume, expect a 10 year old to look out for their 18 month old sibling if all playing together in the backyard. Even closer in age siblings I would do that. But I don't think I'd task my school aged kid with keeping an eye out for all of the babies/ toddlers on the playground, no. Helping with their sibling is a responsibility of theirs, as part of our family. While I would certainly not allow them to run roughshod all over a bunch of babies, I would also not hyper-intervene if they were swinging on the monkey bars and a mom let her baby play underneath them. If the baby in question was my OWN baby, I'd move the baby! Or if I couldn't for some reason, yes I'd call out to my older kid "keep an eye on Sister under there please!". Because the baby is my responsibility, and I can delegate some of that responsibility to my older kid if necessary. But I'm probably not going to ask my school aged kid to watch out for a baby whose mother is right next to it but not intervening. My kid is there to play, just like yours, and your baby is your own responsibility.
Thank you for thinking so but youve responded with an extreme example (see bolded). Im not letting my toddler play in the swing zone. I am intervening- I was the mom talking about how my LO was going across a bridge- designed for one person- and another kid couldnt wait their turn and was stepping on his heels. Or if he is crawling through a tunnel, kids will still enter even though he isnt completed and try and step over him. OR going down a small slide and the older kids are using it to access the play equipment.
Also I was primarily noting that older kids are capable of seeing younger kids. Its been said here a few times that middle-school Bobby just doesnt see little kids- he is incapable. No Ma'm he is capable. I am not expecting your kid to watch over my kid. Im expecting that your kid be capable of seeing another human and react to that input by thinking...." hmmm cant go up this slide because someone else is coming down- I know! Ill use the stairs or go up an adjacent slide." If your kid went up the slide while your other kid was going down- youd internally be like WTF Bobby!?!
Well I'm internally saying WTF Bobby too!
NP. I have a two year old who always wanted to climb and slide from a young age so I totally get where you are coming from. I stayed ont he ground near him to remind him not to climb down ladders or to catch him if he ever fell (he never did), but in some cases yes, older kids pushed through the tunnel and went around him. Sometimes if he hesitated a second at the slide the other kids would push through and go down first. In my mind those are not safety issues. My DS could get a couple nudges or even a stubbed finger or something in the tunnel, and he will either learn to go faster or else look out for other kids. In your example, yes “WTF Bobby,” but also Bobby will learn by perhaps getting run into by a kid going down the slide. Maybe he will learn not to climb up when kids are coming down.
There are times when I have intervened in cases of true meanness and safety - like a kid throwing sand at my kid or kicking him to make him go faster (NOT OK!), but those are the only time. Pinched fingers, being startled, even being brushed by and run by and around is the price of being on play structures which are typically meant for preschool age or older kids.
Yes! Thank you! This is exactly how I parent, and I find that most other parents (moms especially) do not want so much as a little hair on their precious child’s head to be mussed. Not exactly realistic, and not exactly the way to build resilient kids.
Anonymous
10/06/2019 07:52
Subject: Parents who don't intervene -- why not?
If another kid hits my kid, and their parent isn’t doing anything, I will say something to the kid. Hitting is assault and as an adult you go to jail for it. It’s not really an optional thing to allow children to hit.
Anonymous
10/06/2019 07:34
Subject: Re:Parents who don't intervene -- why not?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Definitely not. Don't be ridiculous. I am capable of giving my kid firm, direct boundaries when necessary (unlike the sing-song voice passive aggressive moms who talk about "in our family we don't hit! maybe other families are different!").
Ok so if you are giving your kid “firm, direct boundaries” then this obviously isn’t aimed at you. However, if your kid hits my kid and my kid moves to hit back, I will immediately stop my kid and say (no sing-song involved) that just because someone else hits does not mean they (my kid) may also hit and perhaps the other kid has different rules. Where’s the problem?
I'm also wondering what the problem with explaining that other kids have different rules is. My kids often ask why other kids are doing things that I have asked them not to and the explanation is: "Different parents have different rules."
"different rules" is for things like eating only at the table and wearing shoes in the house, playing in mud puddles and procedures for taking turns. NOT hitting and you know it.
There are a ton of parents who don’t seem care if their kid hits other children. Usually the sing-song voice is from the hitting kid’s parent, barely looking up from their phone and certainly not coming over to do anything about it saying oh sweetie, hands aren’t for hitting.
Anonymous
10/06/2019 07:01
Subject: Re:Parents who don't intervene -- why not?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Sometimes if a kid who is old enough to know better won’t share a communal playground toy/item/piece of equipment, I just tell my kids, “different families have different rules. In our family we try to be considerate and share and take turns. Some families don’t do that. I don’t think it’s fun to play with someone who doesn’t want to share. Want to go check out the swings?”
Similarly, if a kid is being too rough I just say we don’t hit in our family but some families do that. Or or a kid is being cruel and making fun of my kid or another kid, I’ll talk about how in our family we don’t make fun of people and use kind words instead.
I’ve found this to be particularly effective when the kid’s parent is around.
I don't know who is more annoying.
I do this too, and it works pretty well. Kids need reminding that they should share and be kind to each other, and a little social pressure doesn't hurt.
It works pretty well at other parents rolling their eyes at you and making their child acquiesce to what you're saying so you shut up. It doesn't earn your child- or you- any friends that's for sure.
Social pressure for the parent and the kid. Perfect!
Exactly. We will roll our eyes, do what you say so we don't have to hear your sing-song voice saying loudly passive aggressive things, and the children on the playground will behave in line with how you want them to behave to maximize your own child's enjoyment of the equipment. And you will somehow think you are the one teaching your kid how to roll with the punches and be a good member of the group.
...says the parent who doesn’t give a sh!t when their kid hits other kids on the playground.
Definitely not. Don't be ridiculous. I am capable of giving my kid firm, direct boundaries when necessary (unlike the sing-song voice passive aggressive moms who talk about "in our family we don't hit! maybe other families are different!").
Ok so if you are giving your kid “firm, direct boundaries” then this obviously isn’t aimed at you. However, if your kid hits my kid and my kid moves to hit back, I will immediately stop my kid and say (no sing-song involved) that just because someone else hits does not mean they (my kid) may also hit and perhaps the other kid has different rules. Where’s the problem?
I used to feel this way because it’s how I was raised. Then one day my DD and I were pushed around the playground by a couple of boys who ended up throwing things at her. I completely lost my cool and yelled at them (making them cry, ha).
I thought it over when I got home a realized “it’s okay for others to hit because that’s there family rules, but you can’t hit back” wasn’t something I wanted to teach my daughter. Neither was passive aggressiveness. Both of those have held women back from speaking their minds and standing up for themselves. I also don’t want her to NOT defend herself if I’m not around and someone has really bad intentions because she’s learned it’s okay for others to hurt her
Now I have no problem reprimanding other kids, or I’ll tell them to go find their parent, or I’ll tell a parent to please watch their kid because he’s hitting. I’m sure it pisses some parents off but my job is to raise my own kid, not to make sure their kid never has hurt feelings.
Anonymous
10/05/2019 17:20
Subject: Re:Parents who don't intervene -- why not?
Anonymous wrote:
Definitely not. Don't be ridiculous. I am capable of giving my kid firm, direct boundaries when necessary (unlike the sing-song voice passive aggressive moms who talk about "in our family we don't hit! maybe other families are different!").
Ok so if you are giving your kid “firm, direct boundaries” then this obviously isn’t aimed at you. However, if your kid hits my kid and my kid moves to hit back, I will immediately stop my kid and say (no sing-song involved) that just because someone else hits does not mean they (my kid) may also hit and perhaps the other kid has different rules. Where’s the problem?
I'm also wondering what the problem with explaining that other kids have different rules is. My kids often ask why other kids are doing things that I have asked them not to and the explanation is: "Different parents have different rules."
"different rules" is for things like eating only at the table and wearing shoes in the house, playing in mud puddles and procedures for taking turns. NOT hitting and you know it.