Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.
I dont want to act crazy, I'm uninterested in revenge. I'm interested in advice from BTDT women who have had to deal with this. The first time she shows up at a soccer game, what do I do? When she shows up to pick the kids up, what do I say? Just pretend I have no idea who she is? Like I dont remember her?
I just dont know how to handle this next phase with class and grace.

I am going to have to disagree with this assessment. A good dad would never be so selfish to risk destroying their family. He's pretty terrible.

I agree, he's no good. A lousy father

OP you don't need to have any type of relationship with this woman. I would hope you would never allow her to pick up your kids. What do mean at the soccer game? Sit with your family, or new boyfriend no where near the cheater. At this point she's merely his girlfriend -nothing to your kids. He's a cheater, probably did it on you before but wasn't caught. When dealing with your kids talk only to your ex, never allow her to watch them etc.

I wouldn't say anything or stupid comments to this cheap woman. She has a new problem right now - someone she can't trust.

OP can’t control what her ex chooses to do during his parenting time. Trying to control the girlfriend’s interactions, whether she’s with them or watches them, etc. with her kids will create further tension. Like PP said, she now has the ear of ex and can choose to make OP’s life hell just as much as the other way around.

She can legally make sure the woman isn't driving over to her house to pick up the kids. Or drop them off on her own. If her ex is there with AP, no problem. If the ex leaves her kids alone with this woman she can go to court. If he ends up marrying her another matter. OP can't choose what they do during parenting time, but she can stipulate ex doesn't leave his kids with his random girlfriends. That's not controlling his parenting time, it's being responsible to your kids.

It's sad OP's ex already had his kids around this woman. They are barely divorced, OP should have some real concerns. Both should agree to put the kids first. Sure have partners around the kids, but only if it's serious after a year.

OP honestly, the best thing you can do is act like she doesn't affect you. At ALL. Complete indifference.

If you do something in ANY way to acknowledge her, or what she did with your husband, it will only feed into her belief that you are crazy/awful/psycho and that your ex is sooo much better off with her.

If I were you, at most I would be polite. I'd probably mostly just stick with the bare minimum (hello, goodbye) and sometimes, if the situation allowed, I'd probably ignore her altogether. She doesn't deserve your attention in any way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.
I dont want to act crazy, I'm uninterested in revenge. I'm interested in advice from BTDT women who have had to deal with this. The first time she shows up at a soccer game, what do I do? When she shows up to pick the kids up, what do I say? Just pretend I have no idea who she is? Like I dont remember her?
I just dont know how to handle this next phase with class and grace.

Say this the first time, looking her in the eye:

I have no respect for what you did to upset my children’s lives, not your lack of respect for a Holy institution of marriage. However, I love and respect my children enough to give them the best out of any circumstance. For that reason, I’ll dhare my contact info with you so that if there is ever an emergency with my children, you or X contacts me ASAP. I’m not interested in a friendship, but I recognize that your children and my own will have impacts from your and X’s actions. My interest is solely for the children.”

Then walk away. You don’t have to say another word to her, smile, act chummy - and if you decide over the years to smile from time to time, there is nothing wrong with that either. Don’t ever let anyone steal your joy. Let your children see your strength and unconditional love. Establish boundaries you’re comfortable with and take control of the situation in an area where you can. That is one way that you can easily move into the next phase with class and grace.

I get the desire to do this, but what does this accomplish? To create even more tension? The AP/new wife knows darn well the OP isn't going to like her. Does OP actually benefit by creating an even more tense environment with new AP/wife? Does OP want to get the occasional invite to spend Christmas with her kids if it's at her ex-DH's place? Or birthday parties? Or flexibility on which custody days they have? Because the AP/new wife has her ex-DH's ear and can do quite a bit to make things even more difficult than they are.

If it were me, I would acknowledge her professionally, keep things cordial, lower tension and then proceed to live my best life. And perhaps have crazy sex with a young hot stud.

"get the occasional invite to spend Christmas with her kids"???? The courts designate what days. OP doesn't have to bow down in any form. She can have her own Holidays with the kids, and her side of the family. It may be Xmas or Xmas eve depending on the court order. Not a big deal. She can completely separate from her ex, plus AP might be gone by then.

OP shouldn't say anything nasty to the OW, she's lucky to be rid of the creep. Nor should she have sex with some stranger. If anything should be a lesson learned, pay attention in the beginning to a prospective partners morals and values. Look at his family dynamics. With cheaters there are always warning signs that are ignored.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But that is not how it actually plays out ... it plays out like this.

Kid: I met Suzie.
Mom: Oh, okay how was it?
Kid: <are we really going to pretend>
Mom: Okay, I know about Suzie, I'm sorry I did not warn you.
Kid: Yea, it was terrible and the only parent I trust now lied to me.

or

Mom: Your going to dads, your going to meet Suzie... she is dad's girlfriend.
Kid: Since when
Mom: Since a while ago.
kid: crying
Mom: I know it 's hard but dad made a mistake and now this is our life and we will work it out.
Kid: I don't want to go
Mom: I know it sucks, be nice, go to your room and read when it's too much.

Kid: You cheated on mom
Dad: mom is a bitch and bad in bed.
Kids: <okay you are a psycho, enjoy the nursing home>

Kid: Dad actually said you were a bitch and bad in bed
Mom: Well I guess I'm better off without him and you know exactly what I've dealt with for years.
Kid: That sucks
Mom: Yep! But we move on from "sucks"

You really have some weird, unrealistic fantasies. Does it help you feel better when you replay them over and over in your head?

Nope. No kids, never been cheated on, and never cheated. Just can smell your crazy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.
I dont want to act crazy, I'm uninterested in revenge. I'm interested in advice from BTDT women who have had to deal with this. The first time she shows up at a soccer game, what do I do? When she shows up to pick the kids up, what do I say? Just pretend I have no idea who she is? Like I dont remember her?
I just dont know how to handle this next phase with class and grace.

I am going to have to disagree with this assessment. A good dad would never be so selfish to risk destroying their family. He's pretty terrible.

I agree, he's no good. A lousy father

OP you don't need to have any type of relationship with this woman. I would hope you would never allow her to pick up your kids. What do mean at the soccer game? Sit with your family, or new boyfriend no where near the cheater. At this point she's merely his girlfriend -nothing to your kids. He's a cheater, probably did it on you before but wasn't caught. When dealing with your kids talk only to your ex, never allow her to watch them etc.

I wouldn't say anything or stupid comments to this cheap woman. She has a new problem right now - someone she can't trust.

OP can’t control what her ex chooses to do during his parenting time. Trying to control the girlfriend’s interactions, whether she’s with them or watches them, etc. with her kids will create further tension. Like PP said, she now has the ear of ex and can choose to make OP’s life hell just as much as the other way around.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.
I dont want to act crazy, I'm uninterested in revenge. I'm interested in advice from BTDT women who have had to deal with this. The first time she shows up at a soccer game, what do I do? When she shows up to pick the kids up, what do I say? Just pretend I have no idea who she is? Like I dont remember her?
I just dont know how to handle this next phase with class and grace.

I am going to have to disagree with this assessment. A good dad would never be so selfish to risk destroying their family. He's pretty terrible.

I agree, he's no good. A lousy father

OP you don't need to have any type of relationship with this woman. I would hope you would never allow her to pick up your kids. What do mean at the soccer game? Sit with your family, or new boyfriend no where near the cheater. At this point she's merely his girlfriend -nothing to your kids. He's a cheater, probably did it on you before but wasn't caught. When dealing with your kids talk only to your ex, never allow her to watch them etc.

I wouldn't say anything or stupid comments to this cheap woman. She has a new problem right now - someone she can't trust.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.
I dont want to act crazy, I'm uninterested in revenge. I'm interested in advice from BTDT women who have had to deal with this. The first time she shows up at a soccer game, what do I do? When she shows up to pick the kids up, what do I say? Just pretend I have no idea who she is? Like I dont remember her?
I just dont know how to handle this next phase with class and grace.

Say this the first time, looking her in the eye:

I have no respect for what you did to upset my children’s lives, not your lack of respect for a Holy institution of marriage. However, I love and respect my children enough to give them the best out of any circumstance. For that reason, I’ll dhare my contact info with you so that if there is ever an emergency with my children, you or X contacts me ASAP. I’m not interested in a friendship, but I recognize that your children and my own will have impacts from your and X’s actions. My interest is solely for the children.”

Then walk away. You don’t have to say another word to her, smile, act chummy - and if you decide over the years to smile from time to time, there is nothing wrong with that either. Don’t ever let anyone steal your joy. Let your children see your strength and unconditional love. Establish boundaries you’re comfortable with and take control of the situation in an area where you can. That is one way that you can easily move into the next phase with class and grace.

I get the desire to do this, but what does this accomplish? To create even more tension? The AP/new wife knows darn well the OP isn't going to like her. Does OP actually benefit by creating an even more tense environment with new AP/wife? Does OP want to get the occasional invite to spend Christmas with her kids if it's at her ex-DH's place? Or birthday parties? Or flexibility on which custody days they have? Because the AP/new wife has her ex-DH's ear and can do quite a bit to make things even more difficult than they are.

If it were me, I would acknowledge her professionally, keep things cordial, lower tension and then proceed to live my best life. And perhaps have crazy sex with a young hot stud.

... and stuck with both her kids and her own.

The best revenge is to live a happy life. Take the time with the boys spend with stbx and ap... and do something just for you.

Ask the boys politely to not mention her when they come home and to always be respectful and to represent themselves with respect. The secretary will eventually get cheated on...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.
I dont want to act crazy, I'm uninterested in revenge. I'm interested in advice from BTDT women who have had to deal with this. The first time she shows up at a soccer game, what do I do? When she shows up to pick the kids up, what do I say? Just pretend I have no idea who she is? Like I dont remember her?
I just dont know how to handle this next phase with class and grace.

Treat her like a business associate. Factual, small talk, etc. Nothing mean but nothing extra. She has access to your kids part time and you need her on your team, whether you like it or not

This is the best advice by far. But also, be yourself. Just be you. Your kids are watching.

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.
I dont want to act crazy, I'm uninterested in revenge. I'm interested in advice from BTDT women who have had to deal with this. The first time she shows up at a soccer game, what do I do? When she shows up to pick the kids up, what do I say? Just pretend I have no idea who she is? Like I dont remember her?
I just dont know how to handle this next phase with class and grace.

Say this the first time, looking her in the eye:

I have no respect for what you did to upset my children’s lives, not your lack of respect for a Holy institution of marriage. However, I love and respect my children enough to give them the best out of any circumstance. For that reason, I’ll dhare my contact info with you so that if there is ever an emergency with my children, you or X contacts me ASAP. I’m not interested in a friendship, but I recognize that your children and my own will have impacts from your and X’s actions. My interest is solely for the children.”

Then walk away. You don’t have to say another word to her, smile, act chummy - and if you decide over the years to smile from time to time, there is nothing wrong with that either. Don’t ever let anyone steal your joy. Let your children see your strength and unconditional love. Establish boundaries you’re comfortable with and take control of the situation in an area where you can. That is one way that you can easily move into the next phase with class and grace.

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.
I dont want to act crazy, I'm uninterested in revenge. I'm interested in advice from BTDT women who have had to deal with this. The first time she shows up at a soccer game, what do I do? When she shows up to pick the kids up, what do I say? Just pretend I have no idea who she is? Like I dont remember her?
I just dont know how to handle this next phase with class and grace.

I am going to have to disagree with this assessment. A good dad would never be so selfish to risk destroying their family. He's pretty terrible.

She’s a part of your life now. And theirs. Get used to it.

You can look bitter, or you can look gracious.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here again.
I dont want to act crazy, I'm uninterested in revenge. I'm interested in advice from BTDT women who have had to deal with this. The first time she shows up at a soccer game, what do I do? When she shows up to pick the kids up, what do I say? Just pretend I have no idea who she is? Like I dont remember her?
I just dont know how to handle this next phase with class and grace. [/quote]

Treat her like a business associate. Factual, small talk, etc. Nothing mean but nothing extra. She has access to your kids part time and you need her on your team, whether you like it or not[/quote]


I found out my husband of 17 years was cheating on me the entire marriage with one person (and the last 6 months of our marriage with many people). Less than a year after me finding out, we are divorced. He is with his AP, he has introduced her to our kids and to old, used to be, mutual friends. I have not yet met her but when I do, I intend to do what the poster above states. Factual, polite but not a word extra. In a perverse way, I'm very grateful to her. She is not the reason my husband cheated. He cheated because he has no honor, integrity or morals. No one can make someone cheat in less they want to cheat. So, the reason I'm grateful to her is because thanks to her being an immoral, foul person who will cheat with a married man, I found out who my husband really is. If she hadn't been willing to engage in his pathetic fantasy life, he would have eventually found someone else to cheat with and then all the pain I've been through the last year and a half would have hit me later in life when things would have been much, much harder on my kids and me. So.....my plan is to treat her politely, but not engage. If he / she pushes it, I will thank her sincerely for being the type of person she is because she saved me from wasting more of my life with the a piece of trash.
[/quote]

I’m so sorry for what you went through, but I applaud your grace.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.
I dont want to act crazy, I'm uninterested in revenge. I'm interested in advice from BTDT women who have had to deal with this. The first time she shows up at a soccer game, what do I do? When she shows up to pick the kids up, what do I say? Just pretend I have no idea who she is? Like I dont remember her?
I just dont know how to handle this next phase with class and grace.

Treat her like a business associate. Factual, small talk, etc. Nothing mean but nothing extra. She has access to your kids part time and you need her on your team, whether you like it or not

I found out my husband of 17 years was cheating on me the entire marriage with one person (and the last 6 months of our marriage with many people). Less than a year after me finding out, we are divorced. He is with his AP, he has introduced her to our kids and to old, used to be, mutual friends. I have not yet met her but when I do, I intend to do what the poster above states. Factual, polite but not a word extra. In a perverse way, I'm very grateful to her. She is not the reason my husband cheated. He cheated because he has no honor, integrity or morals. No one can make someone cheat in less they want to cheat. So, the reason I'm grateful to her is because thanks to her being an immoral, foul person who will cheat with a married man, I found out who my husband really is. If she hadn't been willing to engage in his pathetic fantasy life, he would have eventually found someone else to cheat with and then all the pain I've been through the last year and a half would have hit me later in life when things would have been much, much harder on my kids and me. So.....my plan is to treat her politely, but not engage. If he / she pushes it, I will thank her sincerely for being the type of person she is because she saved me from wasting more of my life with the a piece of trash.