Anonymous
05/09/2019 13:29
Subject: Pregnant with non-boyfriend - he wants me to keep it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Well, abortion doesn’t solve all problems either. A friend of mine had an abortion and after that ended up with clinical depression and a lot of ‘what ifs’. An other one got very embarrassed when years later one of her older kids found out about the ‘missing sibling’. It is not an easy choice. Plus probably the OP will split up with the guy anyway after abortion since this is going to be a deal breaker for him.
Anecdotes are not persuasive. There are many people who've felt relief after an abortion in a complicated situation.
Depression after abortion is not that rare and can be a pretty serious complication
https://americanpregnancy.org/unplanned-pregnancy/abortion-emotional-effects/
Just because these words are written on a random website doesn't make them true. If you want to make a claim like this, please link to an actual study in a peer-reviewed journal.
Here a very recent one on a very large sample of women but there are many more articles, just do a quick search with PubMed
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/30921593/?i=4&from=depression%20abortion
Guess I'm just another anecdote but I pray to whatever higher being exists that my daughters never have to go through an abortion. The odds probably aren't in their favor, as I suspect rates are higher than reported. I'm pro-choice to the core, but I'm not sure I would survive another abortion after I had one at 28 (pre-kids). It took me a year to mostly recover mentally. Not sure I've ever 100% recovered.
But for others it IS the right choice and they don't regret it. I already had depression issues so for me it just triggered a long, major episode. Others are different. OP if you can't wrap your mind around another child, you don't have to. The idea of money is enticing but is it enough?
Sorry to add to the derail, but I had an abortion in my late teens and became consumed with guilt, dropped out of school, and was suicidal. I engaged in myriad self-destructive behaviors for years following and have never forgiven myself, despite lots of therapy/prayer/etc. I was (and still am) pro-choice, but abortion is a serious decision with lasting consequences.
It can be but isn't always. I personally don't think I could have one and not react like you - with horrible guilt (even though I always have been and always will be pro-choice!) But a friend of mine had one in college because she knew even then that she did not ever want kids. Not that it was an easy thing to go through, but she was never consumed with guilt and has never regretted it. We are almost 40 and she is happily married and child-free by choice.
Anonymous
05/09/2019 13:26
Subject: Pregnant with non-boyfriend - he wants me to keep it
*view
Anonymous
05/09/2019 13:26
Subject: Pregnant with non-boyfriend - he wants me to keep it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Well, abortion doesn’t solve all problems either. A friend of mine had an abortion and after that ended up with clinical depression and a lot of ‘what ifs’. An other one got very embarrassed when years later one of her older kids found out about the ‘missing sibling’. It is not an easy choice. Plus probably the OP will split up with the guy anyway after abortion since this is going to be a deal breaker for him.
I don't understand this. I know about my mom's multiple abortions and "missing siblings" isn't really something that comes to mind. What reason is there to be embarrassed? In fact, part of me is glad they happened because I know my parents only wanted two kids, and if any of her earlier abortions became full term pregnancies, I would likely not be here.
Glad you won the embryo lottery!!
Meh. Every single person alive won the sperm lottery. We’re not all sitting around crying for the fallen sperm who didn’t get to fertilize the egg and continue the journey to become a person.
What was your grade in biology?
Let’s review the basics together
Egg alone>> no baby
Sperm alone>>no baby
Egg+sperm>>zygote (fertilized egg)>> implant on the lining of the uterus>>pregnancy begins>>embryo>>fetus>>delivery>>baby
In other words who cares of the sperm alone that doesn’t reach the egg?!? But the embryo could have developed into a fully formed human being.
By your math, egg+sperm is 7 steps away from a baby. Egg or sperm alone is 8 steps away. Real big difference there.
You know that this is an oversimplification, you surely got the point that an embryo implanted on the uterus is not the same as a sperm or an unfertilized egg. Even if you want to look at it from the genetic point of you only the zygote has a complete human genome.
Anonymous
05/09/2019 13:21
Subject: Pregnant with non-boyfriend - he wants me to keep it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Well, abortion doesn’t solve all problems either. A friend of mine had an abortion and after that ended up with clinical depression and a lot of ‘what ifs’. An other one got very embarrassed when years later one of her older kids found out about the ‘missing sibling’. It is not an easy choice. Plus probably the OP will split up with the guy anyway after abortion since this is going to be a deal breaker for him.
I don't understand this. I know about my mom's multiple abortions and "missing siblings" isn't really something that comes to mind. What reason is there to be embarrassed? In fact, part of me is glad they happened because I know my parents only wanted two kids, and if any of her earlier abortions became full term pregnancies, I would likely not be here.
I've ovulated monthly for 35 years. My children have roughly 4000 "missing siblings."
Unfertilized eggs are very different from an embryo implanted in the uterus, it is basic biology.
Anonymous
05/09/2019 12:19
Subject: Pregnant with non-boyfriend - he wants me to keep it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Well, abortion doesn’t solve all problems either. A friend of mine had an abortion and after that ended up with clinical depression and a lot of ‘what ifs’. An other one got very embarrassed when years later one of her older kids found out about the ‘missing sibling’. It is not an easy choice. Plus probably the OP will split up with the guy anyway after abortion since this is going to be a deal breaker for him.
I don't understand this. I know about my mom's multiple abortions and "missing siblings" isn't really something that comes to mind. What reason is there to be embarrassed? In fact, part of me is glad they happened because I know my parents only wanted two kids, and if any of her earlier abortions became full term pregnancies, I would likely not be here.
Glad you won the embryo lottery!!
Meh. Every single person alive won the sperm lottery. We’re not all sitting around crying for the fallen sperm who didn’t get to fertilize the egg and continue the journey to become a person.
What was your grade in biology?
Let’s review the basics together
Egg alone>> no baby
Sperm alone>>no baby
Egg+sperm>>zygote (fertilized egg)>> implant on the lining of the uterus>>pregnancy begins>>embryo>>fetus>>delivery>>baby
In other words who cares of the sperm alone that doesn’t reach the egg?!? But the embryo could have developed into a fully formed human being.
By your math, egg+sperm is 7 steps away from a baby. Egg or sperm alone is 8 steps away. Real big difference there.
Anonymous
05/09/2019 12:17
Subject: Pregnant with non-boyfriend - he wants me to keep it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Well, abortion doesn’t solve all problems either. A friend of mine had an abortion and after that ended up with clinical depression and a lot of ‘what ifs’. An other one got very embarrassed when years later one of her older kids found out about the ‘missing sibling’. It is not an easy choice. Plus probably the OP will split up with the guy anyway after abortion since this is going to be a deal breaker for him.
Anecdotes are not persuasive. There are many people who've felt relief after an abortion in a complicated situation.
Depression after abortion is not that rare and can be a pretty serious complication
https://americanpregnancy.org/unplanned-pregnancy/abortion-emotional-effects/
Just because these words are written on a random website doesn't make them true. If you want to make a claim like this, please link to an actual study in a peer-reviewed journal.
Here a very recent one on a very large sample of women but there are many more articles, just do a quick search with PubMed
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/30921593/?i=4&from=depression%20abortion
In this study, the treatment group included women who presented at gynecologists offices with psychiatric disorders (depression, anxiety, etc). The control group included women who did not have psychiatric disorders. What the study found was that women of childbearing age who have a diagnosed psychiatric disorder were more likely to have had an induced abortion, a miscarriage, or infertility than women who don't have psychiatric disorders. That doesn't mean that abortions lead to psychiatric disorders. (It's possible--even likely?--that women who already have psychiatric disorders are more likely to have abortions in the first place.)
Correlation is not causation.
Anonymous
05/09/2019 12:05
Subject: Pregnant with non-boyfriend - he wants me to keep it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Well, abortion doesn’t solve all problems either. A friend of mine had an abortion and after that ended up with clinical depression and a lot of ‘what ifs’. An other one got very embarrassed when years later one of her older kids found out about the ‘missing sibling’. It is not an easy choice. Plus probably the OP will split up with the guy anyway after abortion since this is going to be a deal breaker for him.
I don't understand this. I know about my mom's multiple abortions and "missing siblings" isn't really something that comes to mind. What reason is there to be embarrassed? In fact, part of me is glad they happened because I know my parents only wanted two kids, and if any of her earlier abortions became full term pregnancies, I would likely not be here.
I've ovulated monthly for 35 years. My children have roughly 4000 "missing siblings."
Anonymous
05/09/2019 11:39
Subject: Pregnant with non-boyfriend - he wants me to keep it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP is completely enticingly vague about the relationship. It sounds like “with benefits “ relationship that resulted in an oops. Doesn’t sound like love. Doesn’t sound like commitment. Sounds like a problem. Take away the money (not guaranteed) and you have really nothing but an unwanted pregnancy and a baby daddy.
OP here. This is a relationship that works in a lot of ways, but neither of us were in a rush to take it to the next level for reasons previously outlined, though deeper commitment and a future were potential future options. I’m on the fence about marriage (right now) because - although we love each other - marriage, a new family (particularly for him, who’s never been married and isn’t a dad), and a baby in the span of eight months feels insane.
He’s willing to work with me on a long-term financial plan and would be a hands-on dad. (He acknowledges he needs to work less.) He’s also willing to provide resources that would make my day-to-day life easier (a nanny, a house cleaner). He doesn’t want there to be a dynamic that separates “my kids” from the new baby, but I make a fine living myself and my two older kids are well provided for - their dad does well, too. (Neither of us, however, is a millionaire.)
No matter what happens, he and I will always be friends. We’ve known each other forever and are very close. It’s a safe relationship and I trust him, and I respect him, and he feels the same way about me. Both of my kids have asked for a younger sibling over the years and I asked them the other day how they would feel *if* I had a new baby, and they reacted with happiness and excitement. I’m leaning toward having the baby.
It sounds like the lines of communication are open and transparent - that's good.
After reading this update I think I'd lean pretty heavily towards putting agreements and supports in place and have the baby. Maybe marriage happens in the future or maybe it doesn't, but it sounds like he's thought about being a father and what that means.
There are no guarantees in life and no way to predict the future. It sounds like everyone is pretty mature and grounded. Good luck.
+1
Anonymous
05/09/2019 10:24
Subject: Pregnant with non-boyfriend - he wants me to keep it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP is completely enticingly vague about the relationship. It sounds like “with benefits “ relationship that resulted in an oops. Doesn’t sound like love. Doesn’t sound like commitment. Sounds like a problem. Take away the money (not guaranteed) and you have really nothing but an unwanted pregnancy and a baby daddy.
OP here. This is a relationship that works in a lot of ways, but neither of us were in a rush to take it to the next level for reasons previously outlined, though deeper commitment and a future were potential future options. I’m on the fence about marriage (right now) because - although we love each other - marriage, a new family (particularly for him, who’s never been married and isn’t a dad), and a baby in the span of eight months feels insane.
He’s willing to work with me on a long-term financial plan and would be a hands-on dad. (He acknowledges he needs to work less.) He’s also willing to provide resources that would make my day-to-day life easier (a nanny, a house cleaner). He doesn’t want there to be a dynamic that separates “my kids” from the new baby, but I make a fine living myself and my two older kids are well provided for - their dad does well, too. (Neither of us, however, is a millionaire.)
No matter what happens, he and I will always be friends. We’ve known each other forever and are very close. It’s a safe relationship and I trust him, and I respect him, and he feels the same way about me. Both of my kids have asked for a younger sibling over the years and I asked them the other day how they would feel *if* I had a new baby, and they reacted with happiness and excitement. I’m leaning toward having the baby.
It sounds like the lines of communication are open and transparent - that's good.
After reading this update I think I'd lean pretty heavily towards putting agreements and supports in place and have the baby. Maybe marriage happens in the future or maybe it doesn't, but it sounds like he's thought about being a father and what that means.
There are no guarantees in life and no way to predict the future. It sounds like everyone is pretty mature and grounded. Good luck.
Anonymous
05/09/2019 09:11
Subject: Re:Pregnant with non-boyfriend - he wants me to keep it
Thanks for the update, OP.
I'm about as pro-choice as you can get, but the situation you have described suggests that this could work. Importantly, you love each other and you both want a baby -- even if the timing is not ideal.
All that said, I strongly urge you to draw up an agreement NOW that covers you and your children (current and future). If you carry this baby to term and take some time off, you will take a financial hit. Even if you continue to work full time, the added load of a third kid will set you back in your career. You need to work out a financial arrangement that protects you and the kids in the event the relationship falters. And you need clear "rules of the road" for how all three kids get supported even if you do get married and it all works out.
You need an agreement, at least in principle, before you are too far down the road in this pregnancy.
I'm about as pro-choice as you can get, but the situation you have described suggests that this could work. Importantly, you love each other and you both want a baby -- even if the timing is not ideal.
All that said, I strongly urge you to draw up an agreement NOW that covers you and your children (current and future). If you carry this baby to term and take some time off, you will take a financial hit. Even if you continue to work full time, the added load of a third kid will set you back in your career. You need to work out a financial arrangement that protects you and the kids in the event the relationship falters. And you need clear "rules of the road" for how all three kids get supported even if you do get married and it all works out.
You need an agreement, at least in principle, before you are too far down the road in this pregnancy.
Anonymous
05/09/2019 08:58
Subject: Pregnant with non-boyfriend - he wants me to keep it
Anonymous wrote:OP is completely enticingly vague about the relationship. It sounds like “with benefits “ relationship that resulted in an oops. Doesn’t sound like love. Doesn’t sound like commitment. Sounds like a problem. Take away the money (not guaranteed) and you have really nothing but an unwanted pregnancy and a baby daddy.
OP here. This is a relationship that works in a lot of ways, but neither of us were in a rush to take it to the next level for reasons previously outlined, though deeper commitment and a future were potential future options. I’m on the fence about marriage (right now) because - although we love each other - marriage, a new family (particularly for him, who’s never been married and isn’t a dad), and a baby in the span of eight months feels insane.
He’s willing to work with me on a long-term financial plan and would be a hands-on dad. (He acknowledges he needs to work less.) He’s also willing to provide resources that would make my day-to-day life easier (a nanny, a house cleaner). He doesn’t want there to be a dynamic that separates “my kids” from the new baby, but I make a fine living myself and my two older kids are well provided for - their dad does well, too. (Neither of us, however, is a millionaire.)
No matter what happens, he and I will always be friends. We’ve known each other forever and are very close. It’s a safe relationship and I trust him, and I respect him, and he feels the same way about me. Both of my kids have asked for a younger sibling over the years and I asked them the other day how they would feel *if* I had a new baby, and they reacted with happiness and excitement. I’m leaning toward having the baby.
Anonymous
05/09/2019 08:45
Subject: Pregnant with non-boyfriend - he wants me to keep it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Well, abortion doesn’t solve all problems either. A friend of mine had an abortion and after that ended up with clinical depression and a lot of ‘what ifs’. An other one got very embarrassed when years later one of her older kids found out about the ‘missing sibling’. It is not an easy choice. Plus probably the OP will split up with the guy anyway after abortion since this is going to be a deal breaker for him.
Anecdotes are not persuasive. There are many people who've felt relief after an abortion in a complicated situation.
Depression after abortion is not that rare and can be a pretty serious complication
https://americanpregnancy.org/unplanned-pregnancy/abortion-emotional-effects/
Just because these words are written on a random website doesn't make them true. If you want to make a claim like this, please link to an actual study in a peer-reviewed journal.
Here a very recent one on a very large sample of women but there are many more articles, just do a quick search with PubMed
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/30921593/?i=4&from=depression%20abortion
Guess I'm just another anecdote but I pray to whatever higher being exists that my daughters never have to go through an abortion. The odds probably aren't in their favor, as I suspect rates are higher than reported. I'm pro-choice to the core, but I'm not sure I would survive another abortion after I had one at 28 (pre-kids). It took me a year to mostly recover mentally. Not sure I've ever 100% recovered.
But for others it IS the right choice and they don't regret it. I already had depression issues so for me it just triggered a long, major episode. Others are different. OP if you can't wrap your mind around another child, you don't have to. The idea of money is enticing but is it enough?
Sorry to add to the derail, but I had an abortion in my late teens and became consumed with guilt, dropped out of school, and was suicidal. I engaged in myriad self-destructive behaviors for years following and have never forgiven myself, despite lots of therapy/prayer/etc. I was (and still am) pro-choice, but abortion is a serious decision with lasting consequences.
Anonymous
05/09/2019 00:06
Subject: Pregnant with non-boyfriend - he wants me to keep it
OP is completely enticingly vague about the relationship. It sounds like “with benefits “ relationship that resulted in an oops. Doesn’t sound like love. Doesn’t sound like commitment. Sounds like a problem. Take away the money (not guaranteed) and you have really nothing but an unwanted pregnancy and a baby daddy.
Anonymous
05/09/2019 00:02
Subject: Pregnant with non-boyfriend - he wants me to keep it
I suspect this is a troll post.
Anonymous
05/09/2019 00:02
Subject: Pregnant with non-boyfriend - he wants me to keep it
Pro life found the thread