Anonymous
Post 03/02/2019 11:40     Subject: Re:I wish society didn't encourage people to put off having kids.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wish a lot of things about society. That women don’t get raped, that pedophiles don’t exist, that Trumpers would get over themselves, that black people would be treated fairly, that religious zealots would shut up. I never think about society having kids too late...


You sound like a real optimist. Must be sunshine and rainbows at your house.


I think the posters' kids will actually be ones to do something to help rather than sit around and fight over who can get into the best camps first.
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2019 08:35     Subject: Re:I wish society didn't encourage people to put off having kids.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I mean, I had my kids at 23 and 25. I spent nights or weekends working as a PA. DH worked in tech and we were stressed, exhausted, overwhelmed, had no support and just got by. I thought I was going to fall apart regularly until my youngest hit K and things seemed to get easier. So, I just think the combo of working, parenting, and lack of community/family support is a shitty one.

I do think it's strange being done with kids now. I'm 43 and my good friend just had her first at 41. I look at her life and am like whew...glad it's not me.

I do have to say we are still in the thick of supporting college kids and building our retirement, so it's not like we are chilling in the old folks home. We work the same as we always have before. DH travels more now, I join him when I can if it's a decent city he's working in, but I still work in the same ER I worked in when I was 24 and out of PA school.


Yeah I think this is pretty standard. I first met my now-DH when we were 22 and 23 respectively. Had we hit it off then and dated/married/had a kid in quick succession, that kid wouldn't have seen DH much during its first 3-5 years thanks to back-to-back deployments. I would've had to work whatever job I could find in the areas where DH was stationed, so probably not building either a stable career trajectory or a decent saving/retirement account (and obviously not likely to be near family support). Instead, we started dating at 26/27, married at 29/30, first kid at 31/32, and we're stable and comfortable. Our parents are all roughly the same age, but health-wise, only one set is likely to see our kid grow up beyond elementary school.


What's standard? When I posted, I made the point that having children is hard, particularly when you are lacking in family/community support.

I made nearly 100K when I first was working as a PA. DH made a similar amount. So, we had money to support ourselves and weirdly were able to purchase a home and pay down loans, etc.

Oddly, my salary has sort of stagnated (I make around 150k), but DH now makes three times what I make in a good year -- he's in sales. In a bad one, he probably lands around where I am, though he's had blips of unemployment as well.
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2019 08:19     Subject: I wish society didn't encourage people to put off having kids.
What an idiotic post. People are responsible for making their own decisions.
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2019 07:50     Subject: I wish society didn't encourage people to put off having kids.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I got married at 18, had kids at 19 and 24, was a SAHM until I was 30, went to college at 35, graduated at 40, worked full time ever since then, one child got married at 20, my first grandchild was born when I was 42, got divorced at 43 (25 year marriage!), great-grandchildren in my 60s.

It was all my choices, society had nothing to do with it. My own parents married late (ages 31 and 40).

I don't regret one single minute of any of it. Happy life!


It's totally possible to do these things. People don't want to give up the avacado toast and delayed adolescence.


No. People want to purchase a home, lay-off their loans and be able to send their children to college.

I was making in the 50s in my 20s. Now I’m making 250k and married to someone making more. We can easily save for college and outsource so I can keep working. We live IN dc. None of this would be possible had we had children in our 20s.

Your 20s are for finding a spouse and setting up your career for success.
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2019 07:46     Subject: I wish society didn't encourage people to put off having kids.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's not "less possible" to live on one income these days than when our grandparents had kids. People just have higher desires and expectations now. Head over to the "travel forum" on DCUM and see the kind of trips people are talking about. And these aren't "once in a life time" kind of trips--people are going on "big trips" like African safaris, Caribbean cruises, jaunts to Europe as a family multiple times each year! My grandparents (who had their kids in their early 20's) could have never dreamed of that! "Vacation" back then was a week or two camping at lake or something.

People aren't delaying kids because they HAVE TO to survive, they are doing it so they can afford kids AND extravagant lifestyle. That's their choice.



So basically people grew up without any appreciation of other cultures...


Wrong.
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2019 23:35     Subject: Re:I wish society didn't encourage people to put off having kids.
I met my DH at age 20. Married at 25 and had my DD at age 32. My husband and I were probably about the median for parental age when considering DD’s classmates. Now I’m 41 and have never been able to have #2. If we are lucky and can somehow become parents again, this time we will be 42-42 and older than the parent cohort. I’m sure we will get lots of judgment. But you know what? I have a great marriage and career and raising my DD has been the best thing that ever happened to me. If we had started a family at 20 or 25, who knows what could have happened. This is the hand dealt to us. I lost a parent at age 31. There are just no guarantees. As long as I’m keeping my kid(s) safe, healthy and loved, I say I’m doing things right.
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2019 23:24     Subject: I wish society didn't encourage people to put off having kids.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think you had kids at the perfect age. I waited until I was 40 to have kids and kind of regret it, even though at your age I was not in any position to have a kid and wasn’t even married. I definitely think 40 is too old to enjoy grandchildren and I’m worried about being fit and healthy enough when I’m an empty-nester to enjoy that phase of my life. I also envy women who have grown adult daughters and are friends with them and see them a lot. I’m worried about being too old. But it is what it is.


Me too, except I don’t think of it as waiting. I was a late bloomer in a lot of ways and didn’t meet my husband until I was 36. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I married one of the guys I dated seriously when I was younger. I guess I would have had kids younger, but would probably be divorced now. Lots of my friends from that time period are divorced. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but also has drawbacks I think.

Sometimes I wish I had gotten my shit together when I was younger, met and married a good match when I was younger, and had kids when I was younger. That said, I love my husband and the life and family we have together. So I can’t say that I’d trade it.


Same.
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2019 23:19     Subject: I wish society didn't encourage people to put off having kids.
Anonymous wrote:^^^^ Did it occur to you that you did not attract men who wanted to settle down because you were not interested in settling down?


I dated two men seriously, one I am married to. I was open with every guy I ever went out with that I wanted to have kids and was dating with that in mind. I met my future husband at 22. Started dating at 24, married at 27. And +4 for him (so he was 31).

I consider myself a case study in focused dating. And I consider myself lucky, because I'm the only one of my friends married, two kids in and financially and relationship stable at 33. Some have some of those things, but I have all. Mostly it was luck and I still didn't have my first until 31.
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2019 23:02     Subject: Re:I wish society didn't encourage people to put off having kids.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wish a lot of things about society. That women don’t get raped, that pedophiles don’t exist, that Trumpers would get over themselves, that black people would be treated fairly, that religious zealots would shut up. I never think about society having kids too late...


You sound like a real optimist. Must be sunshine and rainbows at your house.


My point is that OPs problem doesn’t count as a thing to get parties in a twist about.


Fair enough...but by your logic, anytime someone has any thought that about a "problem" or "dilemma" they consider worth commenting on, we should just name a bunch of worse problems and tell them to STFU. I mean...what about famine and clean water? You can whine about Trumpers or black people (in America I presume) not being treated fairly...but I think they get treated a lot better than women in Saudi Arabia! Or any average citizen in North Korea. Should we tell you to chill out about your supposed issues just b/c someone else somewhere has worse problems? Insufferable...
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2019 23:00     Subject: I wish society didn't encourage people to put off having kids.
Anonymous wrote:It's not "less possible" to live on one income these days than when our grandparents had kids. People just have higher desires and expectations now. Head over to the "travel forum" on DCUM and see the kind of trips people are talking about. And these aren't "once in a life time" kind of trips--people are going on "big trips" like African safaris, Caribbean cruises, jaunts to Europe as a family multiple times each year! My grandparents (who had their kids in their early 20's) could have never dreamed of that! "Vacation" back then was a week or two camping at lake or something.

People aren't delaying kids because they HAVE TO to survive, they are doing it so they can afford kids AND extravagant lifestyle. That's their choice.



So basically people grew up without any appreciation of other cultures...
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2019 22:58     Subject: I wish society didn't encourage people to put off having kids.
Anonymous wrote:I got married at 18, had kids at 19 and 24, was a SAHM until I was 30, went to college at 35, graduated at 40, worked full time ever since then, one child got married at 20, my first grandchild was born when I was 42, got divorced at 43 (25 year marriage!), great-grandchildren in my 60s.

It was all my choices, society had nothing to do with it. My own parents married late (ages 31 and 40).

I don't regret one single minute of any of it. Happy life!


It's totally possible to do these things. People don't want to give up the avacado toast and delayed adolescence.
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2019 22:48     Subject: I wish society didn't encourage people to put off having kids.
I wish people gave a F%%^^ about my endometriosis that wreaked havoc on my body dunce age 14 and then maybe I would have had a shot at kids in my twenties—but had to have a hyst before I could even think about becoming a momma
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2019 22:41     Subject: I wish society didn't encourage people to put off having kids.
I got married at 18, had kids at 19 and 24, was a SAHM until I was 30, went to college at 35, graduated at 40, worked full time ever since then, one child got married at 20, my first grandchild was born when I was 42, got divorced at 43 (25 year marriage!), great-grandchildren in my 60s.

It was all my choices, society had nothing to do with it. My own parents married late (ages 31 and 40).

I don't regret one single minute of any of it. Happy life!
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2019 22:13     Subject: Re:I wish society didn't encourage people to put off having kids.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wish a lot of things about society. That women don’t get raped, that pedophiles don’t exist, that Trumpers would get over themselves, that black people would be treated fairly, that religious zealots would shut up. I never think about society having kids too late...


You sound like a real optimist. Must be sunshine and rainbows at your house.


My point is that OPs problem doesn’t count as a thing to get parties in a twist about.
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2019 22:11     Subject: I wish society didn't encourage people to put off having kids.
Um...I don't live my life according to what society thinks I should do.

Why do you, OP?