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Anonymous wrote:Lots of low/high incompatibility in this thread; seems a shame.

I have a hypothesis that marriage causes small imbalances to be large ones. Being the lower libido one means that you'll be the recipient of at least occasional unwanted advances. At first, it's no big deal -- the imbalance isn't that big, so the unwanted advance isn't that frequent. But, it makes you just a little less likely to want sex -- that leads to a greater frequency of times when the advance is unwanted. And it snowballs. You don't initiate because eventually there is no time to recharge your battery. The resentments grow.

On the high libido side, at first the rejections are no big deal. There's always tomorrow night. But then the rejections accumulate -- you start being unsure about when you'll be able to have sex again. That makes you want it more. Acceptance of your sexual advances become intertwined with your feelings about whether your spouse loves you, finds you attractive, etc. Then you notice she never initiates -- that's proof that she doesn't find you attractive. Your sexual initiations become more tentative -- nonsexual interactions become less loving. That leads to less and less sex. And on and on.

So, what started as mildly mismatched libidos become wildly mismatched libidos.

Wow, you have perfectly described what happened in our marriage. It's spiraling down, not sure my wife realizes how bad but I don't know if we have a future together.

I totally agree. I think sexual compatibility may be the most important aspect to consider when deciding on marriage. My first husband and I were not and marriage failed quickly. Second time around I made sure we were on the same page. It's sad but I don't think many people realize this when marrying.

How clueless are you. It's not that women aren't horny when we get married, it's that we lose the desire after years of marriage. You can't predict this going in.

Whether intentional or not, does not matter. It still is a bait and switch. If you lost your desire, you must either divorce, or look the other way. Because the men remain horny and we will ALWAYS find somebody else. You can most definitely predict THAT going in.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of low/high incompatibility in this thread; seems a shame.

I have a hypothesis that marriage causes small imbalances to be large ones. Being the lower libido one means that you'll be the recipient of at least occasional unwanted advances. At first, it's no big deal -- the imbalance isn't that big, so the unwanted advance isn't that frequent. But, it makes you just a little less likely to want sex -- that leads to a greater frequency of times when the advance is unwanted. And it snowballs. You don't initiate because eventually there is no time to recharge your battery. The resentments grow.

On the high libido side, at first the rejections are no big deal. There's always tomorrow night. But then the rejections accumulate -- you start being unsure about when you'll be able to have sex again. That makes you want it more. Acceptance of your sexual advances become intertwined with your feelings about whether your spouse loves you, finds you attractive, etc. Then you notice she never initiates -- that's proof that she doesn't find you attractive. Your sexual initiations become more tentative -- nonsexual interactions become less loving. That leads to less and less sex. And on and on.

So, what started as mildly mismatched libidos become wildly mismatched libidos.

Wow, you have perfectly described what happened in our marriage. It's spiraling down, not sure my wife realizes how bad but I don't know if we have a future together.

I totally agree. I think sexual compatibility may be the most important aspect to consider when deciding on marriage. My first husband and I were not and marriage failed quickly. Second time around I made sure we were on the same page. It's sad but I don't think many people realize this when marrying.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I was fine with once a week or so but my DH was good for at least 2-3 times a week. About a year ago he showed up in bed with a few toys, which was a big surprise, and they have worked so well that I now love it 2-3 times a week.

I bought a few toys once and my wife felt like they were me pressuring her to have more sex. So that backfired like pretty much everything else.

I’m sorry.

The toys my DH showed up with were for me to have more pleasure and it worked with me then being the one who wanted to increase frequency. I’m sure he was happy about that as well.

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Anonymous wrote:Once a week was great for me, 1 kid, 41 yrs. That's enough time for my energy to build up and have multiple orgasms. However DH being an emotionally/borderline physically abusive jerk destroyed my ability to have sex with him.

If he's not your ex husband, it can only mean you have an an open marriage. Because those are your only options.

yay, the MRA is here to remind us that no matter how abusive a man is, if you don’t put out, the marriage IS OPEN.

I also have an emotionally abusive husband. Whatever. If someone else wants to put up with his crap and save me the hassle of getting him off, that’s fine with me. Makes my life easier. Problem is he’s suck a jerk no other woman is interested.

Totally wrong. I am absolutely NOT telling you to put out. If you have an emotionally abusive jerk husband, I definitely would not expect you to have sex with him. Rather, you should divorce him. Why would you stay married to an abusive jerk?

But... but... if you DON'T divorce him, well then I am sorry but you are not entitled to his exclusivity.

I don’t WANT his exclusivity. I’ve told my DH to go ahead and get it elsewhere because cheating wouldn’t be anywhere near the top of the list of terrible things he’s done to me.

I don’t understand you men who put your monogamy up on a pedestal and treat it like it’s some great prize. I don’t want your penis and don’t care where you stick it. Go ahead and open the marriage, god knows I’d also love to get some strange.

It sounds like we are in perfect agreement so why did you respond with an eyeroll instead of just a +1?

Because when someone says their husband is abusive, the first thing to pop into your mind shouldn’t be “well he’s just gonna go get action elsewhere!”

No. Read it again. The first thing in my mind is “why isn’t he your EX husband”.

So he’s so horible that you don’t want sex, but not so horrible that you would divorce?

That’s your decision. But you don’t also get to control his sexual fidelity.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once a week was great for me, 1 kid, 41 yrs. That's enough time for my energy to build up and have multiple orgasms. However DH being an emotionally/borderline physically abusive jerk destroyed my ability to have sex with him.

If he's not your ex husband, it can only mean you have an an open marriage. Because those are your only options.

yay, the MRA is here to remind us that no matter how abusive a man is, if you don’t put out, the marriage IS OPEN.

I also have an emotionally abusive husband. Whatever. If someone else wants to put up with his crap and save me the hassle of getting him off, that’s fine with me. Makes my life easier. Problem is he’s suck a jerk no other woman is interested.

Totally wrong. I am absolutely NOT telling you to put out. If you have an emotionally abusive jerk husband, I definitely would not expect you to have sex with him. Rather, you should divorce him. Why would you stay married to an abusive jerk?

But... but... if you DON'T divorce him, well then I am sorry but you are not entitled to his exclusivity.

STFU
I don’t WANT his exclusivity. I’ve told my DH to go ahead and get it elsewhere because cheating wouldn’t be anywhere near the top of the list of terrible things he’s done to me.

I don’t understand you men who put your monogamy up on a pedestal and treat it like it’s some great prize. I don’t want your penis and don’t care where you stick it. Go ahead and open the marriage, god knows I’d also love to get some strange.

It sounds like we are in perfect agreement so why did you respond with an eyeroll instead of just a +1?

Because when someone says their husband is abusive, the first thing to pop into your mind shouldn’t be “well he’s just gonna go get action elsewhere!”

No. Read it again. The first thing in my mind is “why isn’t he your EX husband”.

So he’s so horible that you don’t want sex, but not so horrible that you would divorce?

That’s your decision. But you don’t also get to control his sexual fidelity.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:65 and married 40 years! At least once a week, sometimes twice especially when on vacation and staying at some gorgeous place. My DH just did the dishes and then drove my 90 year old mother home so I'm pretty sure he's buttering me up. But it's Sunday and I'm game! Our interest and frequency is a good reason we've been married a long time.

Wow - I'm 35 and can't imagine my husband wanting to have sex with me when I'm 65 and I might feel the same about him. My parents are in their mid-60's and while they are very happy together I'm very sure based on what my mother has said that sex is in their past but that she is fine with it. Is there a magic potion that you take?

Anonymous wrote:Until perimenopause hit me, daily was ideal. I was insatiable.

Hormones are killing me. It’s not exactly that I’m uninterested. It’s just not the same. I’m okay with once or maybe even twice a week, but I really only want it about once every 4-6 weeks. I never thought this would be me.

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Anonymous wrote:
Whether intentional or not, does not matter. It still is a bait and switch. If you lost your desire, you must either divorce, or look the other way. Because the men remain horny and we will ALWAYS find somebody else. You can most definitely predict THAT going in.

Then perhaps you could go find somebody else now and leave the thread! We get your opinion; you’ve been posting it continually. Sorry your wife or ex-wife didnt want sex as much as you. Bummer. It’s ridiculous you continue to argue with people about how often they are havung sex. They are having what they are having. Go have some yourself and chill out.

Anonymous wrote:
Whether intentional or not, does not matter. It still is a bait and switch. If you lost your desire, you must either divorce, or look the other way. Because the men remain horny and we will ALWAYS find somebody else. You can most definitely predict THAT going in.

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Anonymous wrote:Lesbians in ling term relationships have far, far less sex than hetero women married to men. For example, only 1% lesbian couples have sex 3x a week or more in a long term relationship.

Women wanting less sex than men is biological, and as seen her much of the sex in hetero relationships is a function of love and compromise rather than desire. If men can get this through their heads, they can stop taking rejection so personal

Such low drive women should marry other women. If you marry a man and expect his fidelity, this comes with a responsibility to meet his sexual needs. If that’s a problem, don’t marry a man.

well, you should clearly marry a sex doll

I did marry a sex doll. All she does is sit in the corner and ignore me. She NEVER initiates.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lesbians in ling term relationships have far, far less sex than hetero women married to men. For example, only 1% lesbian couples have sex 3x a week or more in a long term relationship.

Women wanting less sex than men is biological, and as seen her much of the sex in hetero relationships is a function of love and compromise rather than desire. If men can get this through their heads, they can stop taking rejection so personal

Such low drive women should marry other women. If you marry a man and expect his fidelity, this comes with a responsibility to meet his sexual needs. If that’s a problem, don’t marry a man.

well, you should clearly marry a sex doll

Anonymous wrote:I love my husband, but I just can't get horny for a man that I've been with for over 20 years. I'm just too familiar with him and it's boring.