I would seriously consider divorce for the betrayal and your callousness. These are moral character flaws, along with your failure to have even the smallest clue.

I will however give you credit for telling her (at the 11th hour) to go to the clinic. I get that she wants you to be and act supportive and while of course I think you are a dick for not, I think she should go. It’s her absolute best chance of conceiving, trying right now, and considering that you stole several years of opportunity from her, what she needs (aside from an actual baby) to move on from this is the knowledge that she tried everything in her power to make it happen. I was in this exact place with a dh who didn’t want a 2nd, also because of the hard work (so lame but whatever). He agreed to try for 6 months (I was 43). And I could accept that. That was his gift to me and it was really hard for him to give it but he did.

I knew I had to have 2. Maybe she can’t let it go because she feels the same inexplicable force I felt - that she is the mother of two and she’s leaving someone behind. It’s really hard to describe and you aren’t empathetic to begin with, so it’s probably lost on you anyway. This gets a bit existential now so try to focus: what I’m saying is maybe the 2nd is not hypothetical to her. See? Support the effort to try with the attitude that whatever is meant to be will be, and you may find her divorce position soften. Isn’t that what you want?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in your wife's shoes five years ago when DH began stalling on having our second. I told him I will divorce him over it. He reconsidered. We have three now.

Without children, there is no reason to marry at all.

You should know that children are more important than a man. Way more important. Denial of reproductive rights is worse than rape. Especially done to a woman, whose reproductive window is time limited.

Refusing to have another child with your wife is not at all like rape. WTF is wrong with you?

Misleading someone into thinking they want a child with you and wasting five years of her limited reproductive window is pretty terrible.

Is it emotionally dishonest? Yes. Is it a prosecutable sex crime? No. And not at all connected to or similar to rape in any way.

Apart from the lying and manipulating, you had agreed on a large family and she married you knowing this was the plan. It’s ok that you changed your mind, but YOU wronged her so you need to make it up. You are not on the same level having different opinion. Your plan together was to have multiple children. YOU change your mind and this has a huge effect on her life not just yours.

I also agree with some PPs in that not having children because the first two years will be a lot of work is not comparable to a life of regrets and resentment. I put myself in your wife’s shoes and I would feel that you ruined my life (or what I thought my life would be like). What you are doing is bad and major and you don’t sound like you realize how big this is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in your wife's shoes five years ago when DH began stalling on having our second. I told him I will divorce him over it. He reconsidered. We have three now.

Without children, there is no reason to marry at all.

You should know that children are more important than a man. Way more important. Denial of reproductive rights is worse than rape. Especially done to a woman, whose reproductive window is time limited.

Refusing to have another child with your wife is not at all like rape. WTF is wrong with you?

Misleading someone into thinking they want a child with you and wasting five years of her limited reproductive window is pretty terrible.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in your wife's shoes five years ago when DH began stalling on having our second. I told him I will divorce him over it. He reconsidered. We have three now.

Without children, there is no reason to marry at all.

You should know that children are more important than a man. Way more important. Denial of reproductive rights is worse than rape. Especially done to a woman, whose reproductive window is time limited.

Refusing to have another child with your wife is not at all like rape. WTF is wrong with you?

Anonymous wrote: Denial of reproductive rights is worse than rape. Especially done to a woman, whose reproductive window is time limited.

This is an insane statement.

No one has to reproduce if they don't want to. The consequence of that for OP will be divorce. He shouldn't be surprised.

OP, I was in your wife's shoes five years ago when DH began stalling on having our second. I told him I will divorce him over it. He reconsidered. We have three now.

Without children, there is no reason to marry at all.

You should know that children are more important than a man. Way more important. Denial of reproductive rights is worse than rape. Especially done to a woman, whose reproductive window is time limited.

Anonymous wrote:I just can't do it. I can't be on board to have another one. Wife seems done after I just told her this again tonight. So I'm going to lose my family over this.

And this is why you should be honest with people about your true feelings rather than lying to buy yourself time, hoping the problem of wanting different things magically goes away.

Listen OP if you'd told her back in the day and she decided to stay with you with full knowledge then your marriage probably could have survived. But because you lied, you deceived her into a life you wanted but that she didn't. There is no recovering from that unless you enthusiastically have the kid. Because now she's will resent you because you took away her ability to make an educated choice about her future.

You don't have to have a kid you don't want. I actually think you should not. But if you want to save the marriage it is the only way because resentment will eat away at your relationship now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have we asked exactly why you definitely don’t want more kids? I think that would affect a lot of our advice.

He doesn’t need to give a reason. “No” is enough. The end.

Of course it is. Buy the consequence of no is divorce. Which is fine except OP seems super upset about that so people are trying to talk about compromises but OP doesn't want to hear it. His way or the highway. Except not even the highway, just his way and everyone better like it.

Anonymous wrote:OP you screwed big time here. whether you want another baby is now irrelevant - you need to have another baby, or, rather, do anything your wife wants you to do to try to have another baby. this is the only way you can repair your marriage. you need to make things up to your wife, and this is the only way you can do it.

I just can't do it. I can't be on board to have another one. Wife seems done after I just told her this again tonight. So I'm going to lose my family over this.

Wow! Imagine the conversation with your son. Mom and I divorced because she wanted to have another baby and grow our family but Daddy didn’t want another baby because they are too much work....son thinks..Daddy didn’t want me either.

OP you screwed big time here. whether you want another baby is now irrelevant - you need to have another baby, or, rather, do anything your wife wants you to do to try to have another baby. this is the only way you can repair your marriage. you need to make things up to your wife, and this is the only way you can do it.

I told my wife she can go to the clinic and do this. I'm not going to stand and her way and she knows how I feel and that I really don't want anymore kids and she said that's not supportive. I told her I can't support her because it's not what I want. See? I said I'll go along with it but that's not enough.

I think a divorce makes sense. I don't think I could trust my husband again if I found out he'd been lying and manipulating me for years, and I wouldn't want to stay married to someone I couldn't trust.