Anonymous wrote:Why can't men just accept that romantic relationships change over time? So what started out as a high degree of physical desire has quietly mutated into a relationship of deep security, comfort, trust, mutual respect, love, affection, and, yes, less sex.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't men just accept that romantic relationships change over time? So what started out as a high degree of physical desire has quietly mutated into a relationship of deep security, comfort, trust, mutual respect, love, affection, and, yes, less sex.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Why can't women just accept that monogamous relationships change over time? So what started out as a total commitment to seek intimacy only with the partner you love has quietly mutated into a relationship where their rejection of your affection has driven you to seek this elsewhere.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Seeking sex elsewhere would erode the security, trust, and respect that had been built up over time though.

So does avoiding/denying/rejecting sex on a repeated basis.

But again, that gets to what is meant when people say "dead bedroom." If you're having sex 1x a week and still think that is not enough, you need to get yourself more realistic expectations on what is normal for people who have been together for 10-20 + years.

Anonymous wrote:Why can't men just accept that romantic relationships change over time? So what started out as a high degree of physical desire has quietly mutated into a relationship of deep security, comfort, trust, mutual respect, love, affection, and, yes, less sex.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't men just accept that romantic relationships change over time? So what started out as a high degree of physical desire has quietly mutated into a relationship of deep security, comfort, trust, mutual respect, love, affection, and, yes, less sex.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Why can't women just accept that monogamous relationships change over time? So what started out as a total commitment to seek intimacy only with the partner you love has quietly mutated into a relationship where their rejection of your affection has driven you to seek this elsewhere.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Seeking sex elsewhere would erode the security, trust, and respect that had been built up over time though.

So does avoiding/denying/rejecting sex on a repeated basis.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't men just accept that romantic relationships change over time? So what started out as a high degree of physical desire has quietly mutated into a relationship of deep security, comfort, trust, mutual respect, love, affection, and, yes, less sex.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Why can't women just accept that monogamous relationships change over time? So what started out as a total commitment to seek intimacy only with the partner you love has quietly mutated into a relationship where their rejection of your affection has driven you to seek this elsewhere.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Seeking sex elsewhere would erode the security, trust, and respect that had been built up over time though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't men just accept that romantic relationships change over time? So what started out as a high degree of physical desire has quietly mutated into a relationship of deep security, comfort, trust, mutual respect, love, affection, and, yes, less sex.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Why can't women just accept that monogamous relationships change over time? So what started out as a total commitment to seek intimacy only with the partner you love has quietly mutated into a relationship where their rejection of your affection has driven you to seek this elsewhere.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Anonymous wrote:Why can't men just accept that romantic relationships change over time? So what started out as a high degree of physical desire has quietly mutated into a relationship of deep security, comfort, trust, mutual respect, love, affection, and, yes, less sex.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Anonymous wrote:There is this thing called communication. Speaking from personal experience. There is a root cause for the disconnect and until you get to the root of it you will always be dealing with the weeds. Now, this process could quickly turn into what your spouse is not doing, and it goes no where. Take a look in the mirror at all the things you aren't doing and when you have the conversation...you put all your stuff on the table (apologize for making her common). Better yet take a look in the mirror and just make the change and start reconnect with your spouse. Make the phone call in the middle of the day just checking on her, send the text, make a lunch appointment, cook dinner, plan a date. It will not be an overnight process, it didn't take one day to get where you are. Be in it for the long haul. There is a great book that I would recommend titled "The Five Love Languages" this book will help you figure out how to communicate in your spouses love language and also what your love language is.

Anonymous wrote:

How old are you and your wife, if I may ask?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You don't have a wife, you have a room mate. Assume that her sexual desire (for you!) is permanently gone, there is absolutely NOTHING you can ever do to change that fact. Like you said, she has "turned off that aspect" and she has absolutely zero reason to want to change. Accept your fate living with a platonic room mate

Meanwhile, most men cannot live without sex and (eventually) this will lead you either to divorce, or you will (eventually) wind up getting it elsewhere. How do I know this? Your exact story has played out a billion times before with this exact outcome every time. If you've done any research on dead bedrooms, you know I am right.

Cheating is dishonest and I don't think you want to be like that. Which means the only honest solution (other than divorce) is to tell her before you go outside the marriage. See? The open marriage solution is, in fact, the ONLY honest way to save your marriage and actually will improve things greatly for her. You mentioned feeling stress, struggles, low self-worth, low self-esteem, being a whiny mopey jerk? That's no fun for her to be around a miserable shell of a man like you, all those problems will be resolved once you have opened the marriage.

The situation is distressing, but she's more than a roommate. She's a friend (and I don't have a ton of those), a confidante, a co-parent, a more than equal financial partner, and a mentor who has helped me mitigate some self-defeating behaviors at home and at work. Sure, I want more than that, but I still recognize what she's done for me and she would not be easily replaced. I hope she can say the same about me, but I think I'd be easier for her to replace me than vice versa.

I'm aware of the odds. We're trying counseling because she assures me it's something she wants. And I'm trying to get my own house in order in any case. I'm not ready to separate or divorce yet, but we both realize that time will come if we can't fix the problem. I need to know I tried. Working on myself and my own happiness is a beneficial step whether we stay together or split, so that's what I'm doing.

And I'm not stating a moral objection to open marriages. If that works for a couple, great. I just know it wouldn't work for me because no strings attached sex wouldn't cure the problem and something more would just lead us right back to divorce. I know there are people who can compartmentalize between sexual gratification and emotional connection. I can't. Not as a matter of moral principle, just as a matter of temperament.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You don't have a wife, you have a room mate. Assume that her sexual desire (for you!) is permanently gone, there is absolutely NOTHING you can ever do to change that fact. Like you said, she has "turned off that aspect" and she has absolutely zero reason to want to change. Accept your fate living with a platonic room mate

Meanwhile, most men cannot live without sex and (eventually) this will lead you either to divorce, or you will (eventually) wind up getting it elsewhere. How do I know this? Your exact story has played out a billion times before with this exact outcome every time. If you've done any research on dead bedrooms, you know I am right.

Cheating is dishonest and I don't think you want to be like that. Which means the only honest solution (other than divorce) is to tell her before you go outside the marriage. See? The open marriage solution is, in fact, the ONLY honest way to save your marriage and actually will improve things greatly for her. You mentioned feeling stress, struggles, low self-worth, low self-esteem, being a whiny mopey jerk? That's no fun for her to be around a miserable shell of a man like you, all those problems will be resolved once you have opened the marriage.

The situation is distressing, but she's more than a roommate. She's a friend (and I don't have a ton of those), a confidante, a co-parent, a more than equal financial partner, and a mentor who has helped me mitigate some self-defeating behaviors at home and at work. Sure, I want more than that, but I still recognize what she's done for me and she would not be easily replaced. I hope she can say the same about me, but I think I'd be easier for her to replace me than vice versa.

I'm aware of the odds. We're trying counseling because she assures me it's something she wants. And I'm trying to get my own house in order in any case. I'm not ready to separate or divorce yet, but we both realize that time will come if we can't fix the problem. I need to know I tried. Working on myself and my own happiness is a beneficial step whether we stay together or split, so that's what I'm doing.

And I'm not stating a moral objection to open marriages. If that works for a couple, great. I just know it wouldn't work for me because no strings attached sex wouldn't cure the problem and something more would just lead us right back to divorce. I know there are people who can compartmentalize between sexual gratification and emotional connection. I can't. Not as a matter of moral principle, just as a matter of temperament.