Anonymous wrote:Who are all these trashy people getting pregnant in college? That’s insane. I’ve never even heard of this happening to anybody I know but then again I and my children and spouse all went to ivies or equivalents. Maybe there is a negative correlation with intellect.

You are dumb and judgemental. I'm sure its happened to people you know but they would never admit it. Why would I tell anyone that I had an abortion except on an anonymous forum. Oh, and I went to a great school, have a great life. My contraception didn't work.

Anonymous wrote:Ops daughter is in for the rudest shock of her life if she continues on with this pregnancy. Even mothers with a supportive partner with the best financial circumstances feel overwhelmed. This girl is in lalaland and needs to wake up. Her life will never be like her friends again, and if she thinks her parents are just going to do the heavy lifting of child care for her she is selfish and immmature.

OP, describe to your daughter in the greatest detail what it takes to raise a baby/child in terms of time, energy, and money. When I got pregnant in my early 20s, my boyfriend had disappeared after learning about the pregnancy. My parents were not supportive and didn't talk to me much, my boyfriend's parents died by the time we met, and I had nobody who could tell me what it is really like to raise a child. Had I known what it is like, I would have had an abortion.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are all these trashy people getting pregnant in college? That’s insane. I’ve never even heard of this happening to anybody I know but then again I and my children and spouse all went to ivies or equivalents. Maybe there is a negative correlation with intellect.

The "smart" college women I knew got abortions and never told their families or parents. Two of my friends were raped and became pregnant, both a frat parties. Accidental pregnancies were more common with drinking or being drugged at a party.

Pp, I'm sure if you were super judgey and never drank at all in college, your friends would have told you nothing. You also may be male, which would explain why no one told you any of this.

this

Girl I grew up with got pregnant at 18 and she had it. Did not end well for her or likely her kids.

Anonymous wrote:She should have an abortion

Try hard to convince her OP. That is what would be best for a 21 year old.

Turn this around to "try hard to get her to give birth" and what would your reaction be? What part of choice do you not understand?

My Aunt. She was 15 years younger than my mother, so I was in elementary school when she got pregnant her freshman year of college and I vividly remeber it. My grandparents were solidly UMC Catholic, so abortion was off the table. They wanted to send her away to a Catholic home to give the kid up for adoption. She opted to drop out and marry the guy to prove some point to my grandparents about them not being able to force adoption (who were rigid and overbearing in a lot of ways). She ended up having up having four kids in about 8 years and living in poverty. I remember being 12 and 13 and us taking bags of groceries over because food stamps had run out.

My mother and my Aunt had the same parents and were raised in the same house (my mother also had a sister closer in age who tragically died as a toddler). My mother got a grad degree, married a man with a grad degree, and my sister and I both have grad degrees and solidly UMC lives. My oldest is starting to look at excellent colleges, and my kids will probably end up with grad degrees. They are typical high achieving DCUM UMC kids.

My Aunt eventually divorced her baby daddy. Remarried when he kids were teens, and finished a community college vocational course after they graduated from high school. She now has a solid marriage and a solid job as a hospital administrator, but it took until age 50.

Among her 4 kids, none went to college. One is a receptionist. One cuts cuts hair at a chain salon. One is a high school dropout who had her baby out of wedlock at 16. In fact, all four of her kids now have kids. And all 304 had them young (starting at younger than 20 or 21). 2 had a kid out of wedlock when they were younger than 20. One is divorced and a single mom. One divorced an abusive guy and remarried an abusive guy. My Aunt is dealing with this last cousin trying to leave with her three kids an no marketable skills. While the HS dropout daughter lives with her with her daughter.

My grandmother is still going strong at 94 and is heartbroken about this, BTW.

It’s a mess. And yes, you can live a great, productive life without a fancy degree. But, in a society where UMC people expect that their kids will live UMC lives, it’s a reminder. Sometimes people manage to move up the socioeconomic ladder. My MIL did and was the only one of 9 kids (!!) to go to college. Her son has multiple patents and her daughter is a doctor. But sometimes people move down the socioeconomic ladder too. And when they do, the damage can last for generations. My Aunt’s kids are LMC, and her grandkids are headed in that direction.

I think it’s great that some many people know people who got pregnant in college, managed to finish their education, married a wonderful man who,loved their kid and go a dream job. But I wonder how many of them are pro-Birchers spinning tales. it doesn’t always go that way. And it’s not fair to tell OP it will.

Maybe it will be fine for OP. I agree the chances are higher if OP puts her own plans for the future on hold to ensure that her DD has the money and grandma provided babysitting to make it happen. And if OP’s kid does a lot of growing up and makes her baby and her education her only priorities— which is tough to do at 20.

But sometimes, there isn’t a happy ending. And sometimes it’s not only what Op’s Kid will be able to do with her life, but what her grandkids and great grandkids will do.

So at least be honest. It is possible for a 20 year old mom to pull it off successfully. It is also possible she can’t.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read this whole thread and I'm not going to but a girl in our town in this situation was murdered by the baby's father weeks before she was due to deliver. (He was actually charged with two murders). He didn't want to pay child support. He had two jury trials and was acquitted twice, despite pretty very strong circumstantial evidence (cell phone records showing him at her place, no burglary but his girlfriend lied to give him an alibi). If she doesn't have a long-term supportive relationship with the father she needs to keep it to herself.

I totally disagree, she needs to be up front and tell the father of this child, the sooner the better. He needs to have a little time to absorb that he's going to be a dad. Expect him to be shocked, angry, in denial at first. This was obviously not a planned pregnancy, he doesn't know Op's daughter well enough to know if he is definitely the father. He is likely going to want a paternity test to prove that he is, in fact, the father. He may suggest that she get an abortion but he will have to deal with the fact that she is having this baby. They can discuss options like adoption. His POV matters, too. It is his child, too.

Just because they don't know each other well, doesn't mean that he doesn't have the right to know his own child. And the child deserves to know their dad. Tell him.

So does he get a 50/50 on whether she should have the baby? In my mind, no. I wouldn't risk my peace and possibly my safety on the "rights" of some horny college kid. A pregnancy resulting from a long-term serious relationship is another thing.

Obviously she is the one who gets to decide if she continues the pregnancy. He can express his point of view but ultimately it is her choice.

They are BOTH college students and they both made a decision to have sex with each other. I'm sure that they weren't anticipating a pregnancy at the time but it is what it is. Op's daughter has decided that she is going to have this baby. Now both of these "kids" have to grow up and step up and do their level best for this precious child.

.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did. Had an abortion.

+1 Best decision I ever made

That’s pretty sad.

It’s true.

Ending the pregnancy let her get a degree and possibly graduate school which probably led to a good job and meeting her spouse. The kids she has now are a product of that healthy and happy union.

Childbearing is something that affects everything else in your life - usually in a prohibitive way. Read any thread on here about new moms having a hard time with self care, or dealing with work and family. These women already have established lives - just imagine how much harder it would be to date, to job hunt AND take care of a baby. All this when you can’t afford a babysitter and are constantly broke.

Most people can’t truly grasp what it means to have a child until it happens. Of the women I know who have had abortions in college, many felt conflicted about it - until they got married and had children. It was then that they understood that it truly was the best decision they could have made. A child turns your life upside down - life circumstances are the determining factor if it’s a huge blessing or an enormous obstacle. Maybe if we lived in Europe, this wouldn’t be the case, but there is no social safety net in this country. For anyone who is not wealthy, an unplanned pregnancy in college means a significant drop in living standards for you AND your child. It’s a lifetime of hardship for both of you.

PP could have placed the baby for adoption instead. And I know woman who have had abortions who had a very difficult time dealing with it later after having children.

With family planning options. Parents seldom know.

Anonymous wrote:I got pregnant my junior year in college, had an abortion. I was living with my amazing boyfriend. I knew the reality that I'd never be able to have a successful career and be a good parent. I also wasn't ready to be married. No way I could of told my parents.

I feel I made a good decision as I would of been a terrible 19 year old parent. This is a huge decision for some one who who may not be completely understanding how a child will effect her life.

Hugs

No. a good decision would have been giving the baby up for adoption.

BF got pregnant in Sophmore year. She dropped out and they got married. Her DH joined the Air Force. She finished her BS in Engr while they were stationed in Japan and finished her MS after coming back to the states. He was completely unable to parent so after he got out of the military, they divorced. She's remarried now, living down in Florida with new family. Her daughter just started college last year.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read this whole thread and I'm not going to but a girl in our town in this situation was murdered by the baby's father weeks before she was due to deliver. (He was actually charged with two murders). He didn't want to pay child support. He had two jury trials and was acquitted twice, despite pretty very strong circumstantial evidence (cell phone records showing him at her place, no burglary but his girlfriend lied to give him an alibi). If she doesn't have a long-term supportive relationship with the father she needs to keep it to herself.

I totally disagree, she needs to be up front and tell the father of this child, the sooner the better. He needs to have a little time to absorb that he's going to be a dad. Expect him to be shocked, angry, in denial at first. This was obviously not a planned pregnancy, he doesn't know Op's daughter well enough to know if he is definitely the father. He is likely going to want a paternity test to prove that he is, in fact, the father. He may suggest that she get an abortion but he will have to deal with the fact that she is having this baby. They can discuss options like adoption. His POV matters, too. It is his child, too.

Just because they don't know each other well, doesn't mean that he doesn't have the right to know his own child. And the child deserves to know their dad. Tell him.

So does he get a 50/50 on whether she should have the baby? In my mind, no. I wouldn't risk my peace and possibly my safety on the "rights" of some horny college kid. A pregnancy resulting from a long-term serious relationship is another thing.

Anonymous wrote:Who are all these trashy people getting pregnant in college? That’s insane. I’ve never even heard of this happening to anybody I know but then again I and my children and spouse all went to ivies or equivalents. Maybe there is a negative correlation with intellect.

The "smart" college women I knew got abortions and never told their families or parents. Two of my friends were raped and became pregnant, both a frat parties. Accidental pregnancies were more common with drinking or being drugged at a party.

Pp, I'm sure if you were super judgey and never drank at all in college, your friends would have told you nothing. You also may be male, which would explain why no one told you any of this.

Man, there are some nasty comments on here.

OP- there clearly isn't one "right" choice, best wishes and virtual hugs to you, your daughter and your family.

Anonymous wrote:

I was the child in this situation and looking at it purely theoretically, I agree that my mother should have had an abortion at that age. Of course, that means that I wouldn't have existed which is kind of weird to think about...lol.

My parents were lucky in that my mother had supportive parents. They were allowed to live rent free in an apartment attached to their house plus my grandmother didn't work so was able (and willing) to provide free childcare. How many 21 year olds have that opportunity? Even so, it was a small town with no industry. So very few decent paying jobs. My mom waitressed and my dad was a mechanic for the first five years of my life. Then my dad got a job at the local fire department and it enabled them to move out of my grandparents' house.

Still, money was ALWAYS tight. Some nights we didn't have enough food. And we *never* had money for extras. Forget things like vacations and summer camp, dinners out, trips to the movies, new clothes for school were considered super special treats...

NP here and my mom also dropped out of college to have me. She had to move home. My grandparents and my aunts all helped out with me when I was young and my mom married my step dad when I was 3. The big thing I remember my mom once telling me is that she knew the road would be harder, but really didn’t understand how hard it would be at that time. My great grandmother had offered to take me for a year so my mom could finish her degre and my mom turned her down. My mom didn’t finish college until I graduated and then she went on for her grad degree. Not having a college degree and a career all those years impacted the type of jobs she could find and I think that made the road harder in many way including financially.

My mom always had primary responsibility for me even as her family helped with logistics. If you knew my grandmother not only was abortion out but she wouldn’t watch the baby while you are out partying. So responsibility is a given. Money was definitely tight growing up but I would say the only two things that would have made things better for my mom long term is if she had gotten her degree back then and if my grandmother hadn’t been more excited about my biological dad that wasn’t responsible but attending an Ivy League school than my hard worker h.s diploma step dad that was actually working and supporting me and married to my mom!