You are putting a lot of pressure on your wife and kids to make you feel whole and complete. Stop. Your family is a blessing and a responsibility. There is no 1 person that is going to make you feel "in love" all the time. It is best to hope for a good relationship where you support each other and be there for your kids.

Plan some activities that will allow you to grow as a person and explore different things. Don't ruin your kids or your wife's life because you have an itch.

god I feel so sorry for your wife. Between your depression and your flaccid coping skills and wishy washy committment, She must be exhuasted managing kid and you. maybe if she walks out you will finally grow up?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not telling her because you want to be the one who gets to decide if the marriage breaks up. At least be honest with yourself.

If you tell her about all of these feelings, she may decide that doing most of the work of raising the kids and giving you space and maintaining the marriage is no longer worth it. You know you've got a good deal here, and you don't want to risk it. Your narrative has always been that you're the one who leaves. Maybe that's why you said "yes" to her ultimatum: it meant that she knew you were marrying her against your druthers, and that she was basically agreeing to be the one who would make it worth your while.

As everyone has told you, your depression is not under control. Find a psychiatrist to solve that problem first.

This is extremely well said. People who walk away from their marriages do so because they feel like they'd be happier alone than with their current partner. You actually don't feel like that - you're just wondering "what if" because you're depressed, and are desperately searching for the "fix" that will make that depression go away. If you don't address that now, you will not be happy either in your marriage or out of it. Once you realize and accept that, you will allow yourself to take the necessary steps (seek different/more treatment, confide in your wife so that you can both work on re-connecting, etc) and only then will you find peace. The thing is... all that sounds simple but it isn't. But I'm the PP who said that my STBXDH says exactly the same things you are saying in this thread... and he is not happier without me. He couldn't figure out how to be happy with me either, so he projected the blame onto our marriage. It's human nature. So now he has to figure out what the real cause is... and unfortunately, our life together is ruined and we both are starting over because he didn't figure that out quickly enough. The first step is admitting it - it's difficult to accept that the blame doesn't fall on your wife or kids or lifestyle, but that it falls to an illness you cannot control on your own. But you need to start there.

SO TRUE. the asshole husband.com website demonstrates this in full. Too little too late.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not telling her because you want to be the one who gets to decide if the marriage breaks up. At least be honest with yourself.

If you tell her about all of these feelings, she may decide that doing most of the work of raising the kids and giving you space and maintaining the marriage is no longer worth it. You know you've got a good deal here, and you don't want to risk it. Your narrative has always been that you're the one who leaves. Maybe that's why you said "yes" to her ultimatum: it meant that she knew you were marrying her against your druthers, and that she was basically agreeing to be the one who would make it worth your while.

As everyone has told you, your depression is not under control. Find a psychiatrist to solve that problem first.

That was very insightful. I'm sure she'll be her usual understanding and supportive self if I expand on what I've already told her.

To be fair, I do a lot in the raising of our children. Every night I shower them, read to them, get them to bed, and I take them to school and after-school activities.

execution obvious stuff. you must be very busy on other things. who bought the book you read to them or cleaned their bedding or makes their bed or selected & booked the after-school activities?

Anonymous wrote:You're not telling her because you want to be the one who gets to decide if the marriage breaks up. At least be honest with yourself.

If you tell her about all of these feelings, she may decide that doing most of the work of raising the kids and giving you space and maintaining the marriage is no longer worth it. You know you've got a good deal here, and you don't want to risk it. Your narrative has always been that you're the one who leaves. Maybe that's why you said "yes" to her ultimatum: it meant that she knew you were marrying her against your druthers, and that she was basically agreeing to be the one who would make it worth your while.

As everyone has told you, your depression is not under control. Find a psychiatrist to solve that problem first.

This is extremely well said. People who walk away from their marriages do so because they feel like they'd be happier alone than with their current partner. You actually don't feel like that - you're just wondering "what if" because you're depressed, and are desperately searching for the "fix" that will make that depression go away. If you don't address that now, you will not be happy either in your marriage or out of it. Once you realize and accept that, you will allow yourself to take the necessary steps (seek different/more treatment, confide in your wife so that you can both work on re-connecting, etc) and only then will you find peace. The thing is... all that sounds simple but it isn't. But I'm the PP who said that my STBXDH says exactly the same things you are saying in this thread... and he is not happier without me. He couldn't figure out how to be happy with me either, so he projected the blame onto our marriage. It's human nature. So now he has to figure out what the real cause is... and unfortunately, our life together is ruined and we both are starting over because he didn't figure that out quickly enough. The first step is admitting it - it's difficult to accept that the blame doesn't fall on your wife or kids or lifestyle, but that it falls to an illness you cannot control on your own. But you need to start there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The best gift you can give your children is to cultivate a good relationship with your wife.

What have you done to spend time with her lately? When was your last Date Night?

It sounds like you are too busy focusing on yourself rather than putting any effort into her. I really feel sorry for her.

Nothing one-on-one for a while.

We do things as a family regularly though, if that counts.

I really want to give you a slap. Are you that dense?

Of course it doesn't count if you are actually trying to connect with your wife! I have three kids and going out with them along is not exactly going to foster deep conversations with my DH.

Your relationship needs time and space. How are all these therapists not telling you this?

We did have a weekend away in October, for 3 nights, just the two of us.

Ok great. Good start. When is your next date night?

Anonymous wrote:You're not telling her because you want to be the one who gets to decide if the marriage breaks up. At least be honest with yourself.

If you tell her about all of these feelings, she may decide that doing most of the work of raising the kids and giving you space and maintaining the marriage is no longer worth it. You know you've got a good deal here, and you don't want to risk it. Your narrative has always been that you're the one who leaves. Maybe that's why you said "yes" to her ultimatum: it meant that she knew you were marrying her against your druthers, and that she was basically agreeing to be the one who would make it worth your while.

As everyone has told you, your depression is not under control. Find a psychiatrist to solve that problem first.

There's a difference between being depressed and just being a self-absorbed jerk.

Op it doesn't sound like you want to leave your marriage just want some variety. Ask your wife for an open marriage but then.don't get upset if you catch her one.day getting railed by two BBCs.

Anonymous wrote:You're not telling her because you want to be the one who gets to decide if the marriage breaks up. At least be honest with yourself.

If you tell her about all of these feelings, she may decide that doing most of the work of raising the kids and giving you space and maintaining the marriage is no longer worth it. You know you've got a good deal here, and you don't want to risk it. Your narrative has always been that you're the one who leaves. Maybe that's why you said "yes" to her ultimatum: it meant that she knew you were marrying her against your druthers, and that she was basically agreeing to be the one who would make it worth your while.

As everyone has told you, your depression is not under control. Find a psychiatrist to solve that problem first.

That was very insightful. I'm sure she'll be her usual understanding and supportive self if I expand on what I've already told her.

To be fair, I do a lot in the raising of our children. Every night I shower them, read to them, get them to bed, and I take them to school and after-school activities.

You're not telling her because you want to be the one who gets to decide if the marriage breaks up. At least be honest with yourself.

If you tell her about all of these feelings, she may decide that doing most of the work of raising the kids and giving you space and maintaining the marriage is no longer worth it. You know you've got a good deal here, and you don't want to risk it. Your narrative has always been that you're the one who leaves. Maybe that's why you said "yes" to her ultimatum: it meant that she knew you were marrying her against your druthers, and that she was basically agreeing to be the one who would make it worth your while.

As everyone has told you, your depression is not under control. Find a psychiatrist to solve that problem first.

Anonymous wrote:

No you aren't. You are lucky as hell. You just need to grow up and get over yourself.

I don't disagree with you! (OP)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a dad, I dont understand how you got thru that whole explanation in your original post and discussed your feelings and your wife but didn't mention the children beyond their existence. To that, all can can ask is wtf is wrong with you?

You are supposed to be a man. If you didn't want children, there is a simple procedure that could have taken care of that and you would have no worries. You created one child, which you seem to view as a mistake and then made 2 more. Why would you do that if you didn't want to be a father?

No I never said I don't want my children. I love my children more than anything in the world. I would die for each of them.

Well, if that's the case, why are you fantasizing about leaving them?

Because I think I'm unhappy in my marriage.

No you aren't. You are lucky as hell. You just need to grow up and get over yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The best gift you can give your children is to cultivate a good relationship with your wife.

What have you done to spend time with her lately? When was your last Date Night?

It sounds like you are too busy focusing on yourself rather than putting any effort into her. I really feel sorry for her.

Nothing one-on-one for a while.

We do things as a family regularly though, if that counts.

I really want to give you a slap. Are you that dense?

Of course it doesn't count if you are actually trying to connect with your wife! I have three kids and going out with them along is not exactly going to foster deep conversations with my DH.

Your relationship needs time and space. How are all these therapists not telling you this?

We did have a weekend away in October, for 3 nights, just the two of us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The best gift you can give your children is to cultivate a good relationship with your wife.

What have you done to spend time with her lately? When was your last Date Night?

It sounds like you are too busy focusing on yourself rather than putting any effort into her. I really feel sorry for her.

Nothing one-on-one for a while.

We do things as a family regularly though, if that counts.

I really want to give you a slap. Are you that dense?

Of course it doesn't count if you are actually trying to connect with your wife! I have three kids and going out with them along is not exactly going to foster deep conversations with my DH.

Your relationship needs time and space. How are all these therapists not telling you this?

Op, maybe if your wife dyed her hair a different color you could pretend she was someone else when you bang her. Like your sister or your.mom.

Or her mom.

Would that make you feel better?