Need to address this in a calm, reasoning manor and you need to do it now. Make a time in the next week when you both will be free from external stressors. Sit down and explain to him that you think it's important to discuss this issue. That, while you understand that it is a topic that you both feel passionately about, it's importantnthat this discussion stay calm and rational. If either of you get heated, suggest a breath or even a little break.
Prior to this sitdown, you need to have a sitdown with yourself. You need to consider how strongly you feel about your position, why it's important and what compromises you might be able to live with. Would you be willing to work part-time? Find a job that allowed you to work from school? Go part-time until the kids started school? Is the type of work you do important? Would he agree to any of those? How about a temporary retirement until the children start school? Once you decide what you can live with and what compromises you are willing to discuss, prepare to discuss why you feel this way. Be willing to listen to what he says and why (sounds like you mostly have) and see if you can come to a mutually acceptable solution.

Have a heart-to-heart and see if this is something he would be willing to compromise with if he was with the right woman.

Could he be okay with perhaps someone who only worked part time?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We talked about it a bit more. He said he sees a future with me and that having a parent (mom) home after kids is his preference but ultimately it would be up to the woman (me). We were talking about it in the abstract to get a little emotional distance from it (he's not proposing yet! lol) but it was obvious we were talking about each other.

After thinking about it some more, I think his position is reasonable. He's allowed to have a preference when it comes to raising his own kids. I said I would think about it some more. Maybe it is something I can get on board with. I *really* like this guy and think he could be the one.

He checks all of my boxes. It's just this one thing that threw me a bit.

Uh yeah because it's patriarchal and controlling as hell. It sounds like you want that, through, and believe that his career is more important and meaningful than yours.

Honestly being a SAHM is one of the cushiness gigs you could have. Might as well go for it.

Well, wait. How can it be both cushy and patriarchal and controlling as hell? That makes no sense.

Try using your reasoning skills here. Cushy because there are no deadlines, no commuting, just hanging with your kids and getting babysitters when you want because this guy apparently makes $$$. Patriarchal and controlling because man earning all the money generally means he has final say.

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, this would be a red flag for me. Because it probably means that he has traditional ideas about gender roles and SAH or not, you will end up doing 99% of the work relating to any kids.

Red flag for me, too, because my narcissist, charming husband got me to quit my job and SAH and that lead to a lot of emotional and financial abuse.