Anonymous
Post 03/31/2016 17:13     Subject: Re:What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't know what the poster means by 50/50 meaning there is still one primary home. Our 50/50 is 50/50 - one week at mom's house, one week at dad's. Now it just so happens that mom's house is currently the former family home so the kids get most of their mail there, but they view both houses as their home.

And that crack about a weekend every other year (yikes!) is what gives the ex nightmares about anyone new coming along. At least my ex had a vasectomy so there won't be any more kids of his own blood with anyone else to worry about mine being shoved aside for.


You really haven't gotten over your ex, trying to control him and his household is beyond healthy.

Maybe some therapy to help you move forward.


I mean't unhealthy but really it's quite apparent in all your posts.


In that case, PP, why don't you tell your husband to stop calling me for lunch and coffee every few days since we work right down the block from each other and to give back the key to my house he uses so liberally? Perhaps you are the one who needs better control over him, not me. Or would you like complete control over my house, too?
Anonymous
Post 03/31/2016 16:50     Subject: Re:What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
Anonymous wrote:OP ignore the above disgruntled ex. Many exes aren't like that, and yes you can have relatives stay at your home, still breath oxygen when step kids are with the other parent, lol. You even get to have guests at YOUR home too!



It's not that she can't. But it is gross of her to say "my family needs the room more so my stepkids don't need to come then and also my family would rather see my kids than his anyway." I'm not an ex wife. I'm a stepmom. I would NEVER say something like that. It's so mean spirited like her kids are her family and his kids are HIS.
Anonymous
Post 03/31/2016 16:48     Subject: Re:What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
Anonymous wrote:Op, if you are even still reading, please don't let dcum get you down. Yes, it has it challenges, but all relationships do. In my experience, when the adults are committed to being grown ups for the kids, things work out. Plus, the kids are still young. As long as you and your bf communicate about everything and are on the same page, I believe it will all work out. Good luck!!


Okay, Pollyanna!
Anonymous
Post 03/31/2016 16:45     Subject: Re:What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't know what the poster means by 50/50 meaning there is still one primary home. Our 50/50 is 50/50 - one week at mom's house, one week at dad's. Now it just so happens that mom's house is currently the former family home so the kids get most of their mail there, but they view both houses as their home.

And that crack about a weekend every other year (yikes!) is what gives the ex nightmares about anyone new coming along. At least my ex had a vasectomy so there won't be any more kids of his own blood with anyone else to worry about mine being shoved aside for.


You really haven't gotten over your ex, trying to control him and his household is beyond healthy.

Maybe some therapy to help you move forward.


I mean't unhealthy but really it's quite apparent in all your posts.
Anonymous
Post 03/31/2016 16:45     Subject: Re:What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
Anonymous wrote:

You really haven't gotten over your ex, trying to control him and his household is beyond healthy.

Maybe some therapy to help you move forward.


I think you are talking to someone else. In what way am I trying to control my ex and his household? Just because I said I don't understand what the PP said about 50/50 meaning there is only one primary house? Maybe that is the case if there is 50/50 legal custody but 50/50 physical is a different thing. Maybe that poster is from NY? I understand the laws are very strange there about custody.
Anonymous
Post 03/31/2016 16:39     Subject: Re:What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
Anonymous wrote:I don't know what the poster means by 50/50 meaning there is still one primary home. Our 50/50 is 50/50 - one week at mom's house, one week at dad's. Now it just so happens that mom's house is currently the former family home so the kids get most of their mail there, but they view both houses as their home.

And that crack about a weekend every other year (yikes!) is what gives the ex nightmares about anyone new coming along. At least my ex had a vasectomy so there won't be any more kids of his own blood with anyone else to worry about mine being shoved aside for.


You really haven't gotten over your ex, trying to control him and his household is beyond healthy.

Maybe some therapy to help you move forward.
Anonymous
Post 03/31/2016 16:36     Subject: Re:What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
OP ignore the above disgruntled ex. Many exes aren't like that, and yes you can have relatives stay at your home, still breath oxygen when step kids are with the other parent, lol. You even get to have guests at YOUR home too!

Anonymous
Post 03/31/2016 16:31     Subject: Re:What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
I don't know what the poster means by 50/50 meaning there is still one primary home. Our 50/50 is 50/50 - one week at mom's house, one week at dad's. Now it just so happens that mom's house is currently the former family home so the kids get most of their mail there, but they view both houses as their home.

And that crack about a weekend every other year (yikes!) is what gives the ex nightmares about anyone new coming along. At least my ex had a vasectomy so there won't be any more kids of his own blood with anyone else to worry about mine being shoved aside for.
Anonymous
Post 03/31/2016 16:18     Subject: What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, a few things about teenagers:

They are independently mobile. They will come and go as they please. If their father's house really is THEIR HOME TOO, they will not and should not need permission to come over or be expected to call first. Would you expect that of your own child? So you will have teenagers coming and going (with their friends) at will and have no control over it. Noise, mess, and eating everything that's not nailed down.

They might want to live with their dad full-time. If he doesn't allow this, there will be hell to pay or he may lose the relationship entirely.

They are incredibly expensive. What is the college savings situation? Does your boyfriend fully understand his financial obligations?

Teenage boys (and tweens) smell terrible. I mean it. Even if they shower a lot. I don't know why, but that's how it is, and it's unbearable.


Their father's house is also his wife's house and anyone NOT living in the home needs to call first. They may be entertaining or having friends or family from out of town. Seriously no control....ha...nope not going to happen if they don't live there and yes they need to call first if they are coming for dinner or staying overnight. If they want to change the living arrangements that would be up to DH and DW. As for college, there are loans and scholarships too.


If it's 50/50, they ARE living in the home. Just as much as they're living in their mother's home. Or maybe OP's boyfriend is one of those divorced dads who likes to pretend it's 50/50 but really it isn't.

Good luck forcing angry teenagers onto a custody arrangement that they hate. They will make everyone miserable and enjoy it.


With 50/50 there's still one primary home. The teens don't get to decide the visitation, this allow everyone to be able to plan. I have a lot of family visiting from out of state so dh's kids wouldn't be able to come at those times because we wouldn't have room. We have our own lives and my family wants to visit with our kids, not his frankly. This works best for everyone.


Wow, how sad for the kids you choose your family and life over his kids.


A long weekend every other year, please lol!
Anonymous
Post 03/31/2016 16:08     Subject: What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, a few things about teenagers:

They are independently mobile. They will come and go as they please. If their father's house really is THEIR HOME TOO, they will not and should not need permission to come over or be expected to call first. Would you expect that of your own child? So you will have teenagers coming and going (with their friends) at will and have no control over it. Noise, mess, and eating everything that's not nailed down.

They might want to live with their dad full-time. If he doesn't allow this, there will be hell to pay or he may lose the relationship entirely.

They are incredibly expensive. What is the college savings situation? Does your boyfriend fully understand his financial obligations?

Teenage boys (and tweens) smell terrible. I mean it. Even if they shower a lot. I don't know why, but that's how it is, and it's unbearable.


Their father's house is also his wife's house and anyone NOT living in the home needs to call first. They may be entertaining or having friends or family from out of town. Seriously no control....ha...nope not going to happen if they don't live there and yes they need to call first if they are coming for dinner or staying overnight. If they want to change the living arrangements that would be up to DH and DW. As for college, there are loans and scholarships too.


If it's 50/50, they ARE living in the home. Just as much as they're living in their mother's home. Or maybe OP's boyfriend is one of those divorced dads who likes to pretend it's 50/50 but really it isn't.

Good luck forcing angry teenagers onto a custody arrangement that they hate. They will make everyone miserable and enjoy it.


With 50/50 there's still one primary home. The teens don't get to decide the visitation, this allow everyone to be able to plan. I have a lot of family visiting from out of state so dh's kids wouldn't be able to come at those times because we wouldn't have room. We have our own lives and my family wants to visit with our kids, not his frankly. This works best for everyone.


Wow, how sad for the kids you choose your family and life over his kids.
Anonymous
Post 03/31/2016 15:51     Subject: What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm divorced with no kids. He shares custody and seems like a great involved father, but I haven't met his kids bc we both felt it was best to not get involved in their lives unless we could see getting married. We are now at that point, but before I dive in I want to make sure I understand what life would be like if we ultimately got married. Fwiw is kids are early elementary and we would plan on having a kid together. His ex was not thrilled about the divorce but is not a crazy person - they have an ok relationship

Tell me everything I should know to go in eyes wide open


Run as fast as you can. There will be resentment from kids, ex wife and your life will be HELL.


It depends. OP needs to make sure he would put her first if they marry. And how all the logistics would work.

Actually bringing up hypothetical situations and how they both would handle them isn't a bad idea. A friend of mine divorced her husband after 12 years because he wouldn't stop giving their money to his grown leeching kids. There were many red flags in the beginning she ignored.


+1. This is happening to my dad with my 25yo stepbrother right now. Kid will not grow up, and his mother likes it that way. (In her defense, this is normal in her culture).


My friend divorced her husband because he kept giving their money away to bums. He actually paid for his 30 year old daughter's divorce lawyer...talk about bad parenting. He did it behind his wife's back, among other betrayals. She divorced him and ended up with 75% of the assets and long term alimony. She figured she'd better do it before he gives it all to his kids. Too bad, he didn't understand how the monsters were made to begin with.
Anonymous
Post 03/31/2016 15:42     Subject: Re:What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
We never felt that way, SS was also much older then our own 2 kids. He had his own busy life and if anything the young kids probably got a bit much. He did some vacations with us, and with his other family on his mom's side. I can't say there were many step problems, if anything the jealous ex who finally moved on.
Anonymous
Post 03/31/2016 15:21     Subject: Re:What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
Anonymous wrote:I am a stepmom and a mom. It has been doable, but not always easy. One of the harder things for both me and DH is the fact that our two children together are likely to have a happier childhood than my stepchild, who has grown up bouncing between houses and did not have a sibling during critical years. I sometimes feel guilty-but there's nothing that would have significantly changed the situation. If DH and I hadn't gotten married and had kids, my stepchild would still have had a lonely childhood--I met DH years after the divorce, had nothing to do with it. But I do wonder if its harder to see the younger siblings with all the accoutrements of a stable nuclear family, which was denied to stepchild. and I think DH feels tremendously guilty at times, like his desire to achieve happiness, which for him meant more kids and getting remarried, only exacerbates his first child's isolation. In fact, he has admitted that if he had understood the impact of divorce on his child, he probably wouldn't have done it. But this is particular to our family and every famiily handles the split up differently.

I anticipated a lot of things--parenting issues, ongoing relationship with ex, dividing resources, etc, but the complex emotions around adding more children to a family and how it will all mesh, or not, are hard to anticipate.


Stepmom here too and this is a good point of view. Supporting your spouse through their parental guilt can be a big part of it. I think for my DH, it's lessened a bit as his son has gotten older and has become more independent, has his own life and interests and will very soon be off to college. Like he knows that his son is no longer in the "young child" stage and isn't, at 18, going to be particularly bummed if he had to miss an outing we did. But when he was a bit younger, I remember getting the impression sometimes, even if he was not with us, that any good moment we experienced as a family was something he had to feel guilt for. Like it was betraying his son to be enjoying his "new" family. Or like maybe, no matter how good it was, it could still have been better if his son was there. That was definitely something I had to learn to deal with- in the early days, I viewed it as "we aren't enough" but of course with time that shifted to an understanding that it's just tough to parent two children daily and see and be there for all the small things and then have another child with whom that is no longer possible.
Anonymous
Post 03/31/2016 14:34     Subject: Re:What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
I am a stepmom and a mom. It has been doable, but not always easy. One of the harder things for both me and DH is the fact that our two children together are likely to have a happier childhood than my stepchild, who has grown up bouncing between houses and did not have a sibling during critical years. I sometimes feel guilty-but there's nothing that would have significantly changed the situation. If DH and I hadn't gotten married and had kids, my stepchild would still have had a lonely childhood--I met DH years after the divorce, had nothing to do with it. But I do wonder if its harder to see the younger siblings with all the accoutrements of a stable nuclear family, which was denied to stepchild. and I think DH feels tremendously guilty at times, like his desire to achieve happiness, which for him meant more kids and getting remarried, only exacerbates his first child's isolation. In fact, he has admitted that if he had understood the impact of divorce on his child, he probably wouldn't have done it. But this is particular to our family and every famiily handles the split up differently.

I anticipated a lot of things--parenting issues, ongoing relationship with ex, dividing resources, etc, but the complex emotions around adding more children to a family and how it will all mesh, or not, are hard to anticipate.
Anonymous
Post 03/31/2016 14:01     Subject: What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
Anonymous wrote:OP, if you are even still reading-- take the fertility stuff seriously.

I married a man with two kids. No problems with the kids or the ex, all of that is fine. But the truth is, he did not really want a third child. If he had, he would probably have had one with his first wife. He just didn't want to be the father of 3, he thought it was too much, and he was probably right. But he agreed to it for my sake. So we have been trying to have a baby and we're about to do our first out-of-pocket IVF, and it has been so hard. He's game and trying to be supportive, but I know his heart isn't really in it, especially as he gets older. I like my stepdaughters but it just isn't the same.


It's never like your own kids. The problem is he didn't have the right to deny you a family, and once you have a child he will be bonded to this child. Since this is the youngest he will probably be closest to he/she.