Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been an incredibly lame thread, even by DCUM standards. I am sorry for OP who comes on here with a sincere question, seeking some help.

OP, if you are still checking in, there is a good book called Passionate Marriage that may help you. It really dissects sex patterns in marriage and how to get out of them.

I think you need to take the risk of telling your DW exactly how you feel, "I'd really like to make love with you in our bed, I miss you and although the showers are nice, it's not all I want to do to be close to you." And *ask* her how she feels and why she reacts the way she does. You may need to suggest going to couples therapy. I know that sounds crazy but really it's not, it helped my marriage and I had zero interest in ever leaving my spouse, cheating, etc. I just wanted more sex and more intimacy in our relationship. I would frame it less as you wanting your wife to do more for you, but rather you wanting to be closer to her and that you have a need for emotional intimacy that is not being met. And that you are lonely. Use words like hurt, lonely, feel unloved, sad, rejected, etc...that really express the emotional impact of this on you. Make it clear that you want to understand her and her views. See if she is up for experimenting more. She may be totally bored too. Who knows how she feels. You have to find out. And you have to make it clear that this is really important to you. When two people love each other they try to meet the others' needs. You may have tried to engage her on this before but you need to keep pushing it. Change is hard, but you can do it

PERFECT guidebook for emotional manipulation... BRAVO!!!!

Anonymous wrote:This has been an incredibly lame thread, even by DCUM standards. I am sorry for OP who comes on here with a sincere question, seeking some help.

OP, if you are still checking in, there is a good book called Passionate Marriage that may help you. It really dissects sex patterns in marriage and how to get out of them.

I think you need to take the risk of telling your DW exactly how you feel, "I'd really like to make love with you in our bed, I miss you and although the showers are nice, it's not all I want to do to be close to you." And *ask* her how she feels and why she reacts the way she does. You may need to suggest going to couples therapy. I know that sounds crazy but really it's not, it helped my marriage and I had zero interest in ever leaving my spouse, cheating, etc. I just wanted more sex and more intimacy in our relationship. I would frame it less as you wanting your wife to do more for you, but rather you wanting to be closer to her and that you have a need for emotional intimacy that is not being met. And that you are lonely. Use words like hurt, lonely, feel unloved, sad, rejected, etc...that really express the emotional impact of this on you. Make it clear that you want to understand her and her views. See if she is up for experimenting more. She may be totally bored too. Who knows how she feels. You have to find out. And you have to make it clear that this is really important to you. When two people love each other they try to meet the others' needs. You may have tried to engage her on this before but you need to keep pushing it. Change is hard, but you can do it

Anonymous wrote:This has been an incredibly lame thread, even by DCUM standards. I am sorry for OP who comes on here with a sincere question, seeking some help.

OP, if you are still checking in, there is a good book called Passionate Marriage that may help you. It really dissects sex patterns in marriage and how to get out of them.

I think you need to take the risk of telling your DW exactly how you feel, "I'd really like to make love with you in our bed, I miss you and although the showers are nice, it's not all I want to do to be close to you." And *ask* her how she feels and why she reacts the way she does. You may need to suggest going to couples therapy. I know that sounds crazy but really it's not, it helped my marriage and I had zero interest in ever leaving my spouse, cheating, etc. I just wanted more sex and more intimacy in our relationship. I would frame it less as you wanting your wife to do more for you, but rather you wanting to be closer to her and that you have a need for emotional intimacy that is not being met. And that you are lonely. Use words like hurt, lonely, feel unloved, sad, rejected, etc...that really express the emotional impact of this on you. Make it clear that you want to understand her and her views. See if she is up for experimenting more. She may be totally bored too. Who knows how she feels. You have to find out. And you have to make it clear that this is really important to you. When two people love each other they try to meet the others' needs. You may have tried to engage her on this before but you need to keep pushing it. Change is hard, but you can do it

Anonymous wrote:This has been an incredibly lame thread, even by DCUM standards. I am sorry for OP who comes on here with a sincere question, seeking some help.

OP, if you are still checking in, there is a good book called Passionate Marriage that may help you. It really dissects sex patterns in marriage and how to get out of them.

I think you need to take the risk of telling your DW exactly how you feel, "I'd really like to make love with you in our bed, I miss you and although the showers are nice, it's not all I want to do to be close to you." And *ask* her how she feels and why she reacts the way she does. You may need to suggest going to couples therapy. I know that sounds crazy but really it's not, it helped my marriage and I had zero interest in ever leaving my spouse, cheating, etc. I just wanted more sex and more intimacy in our relationship. I would frame it less as you wanting your wife to do more for you, but rather you wanting to be closer to her and that you have a need for emotional intimacy that is not being met. And that you are lonely. Use words like hurt, lonely, feel unloved, sad, rejected, etc...that really express the emotional impact of this on you. Make it clear that you want to understand her and her views. See if she is up for experimenting more. She may be totally bored too. Who knows how she feels. You have to find out. And you have to make it clear that this is really important to you. When two people love each other they try to meet the others' needs. You may have tried to engage her on this before but you need to keep pushing it. Change is hard, but you can do it

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
seems as though his wife did hear him. She seems to actually anticipate his sexual advances, according to OP, and dread them.

But her hearing him does not change her libido, nor does it mean she is obligated to somehow match hers up with his.

She doesn't want sex from him, that's that. Unless or until that changes, OP will have to find a productive, healthy way of dealing with it.

She can certainly choose celibacy for herself and you're right, that's that.
But he can (and should) choose to pursue his normal sexual needs outside the marriage.
That's a productive and healthy way to deal with a withholding spouse.

He can, but that could have effects for the marriage. Since he seems to be seeking a healthy way to resolve this, he should try to think about what he can do to deal with his urges in a healthy way, in a way which respects his wife's normal sexual appetite.

That's a productive and healthy way to deal with a spouse who's libido is lower than yours.

And, as a bonus, he will probably experience a lot of personal growth in the process. Win win!

Why does his discrete sexual affair have any effect on the marriage? If anything, it makes everybody happier.
She gets to not have sex.
She doesn't have to reject his advances.
He gets to have sex.
Win Win!

What makes her desire to NOT have sex any more important than his desire for sex?

It's not "more important." However, one is reliant on the other: his desire to have sex is only fulfillable if she also wants to have sex.

If she does not, sorry, it doesnt happen.

Doesn't make any one more important, it just means that both parties have to be willing to give consent, and if only one is, it's a no go.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
seems as though his wife did hear him. She seems to actually anticipate his sexual advances, according to OP, and dread them.

But her hearing him does not change her libido, nor does it mean she is obligated to somehow match hers up with his.

She doesn't want sex from him, that's that. Unless or until that changes, OP will have to find a productive, healthy way of dealing with it.

She can certainly choose celibacy for herself and you're right, that's that.
But he can (and should) choose to pursue his normal sexual needs outside the marriage.
That's a productive and healthy way to deal with a withholding spouse.

He can, but that could have effects for the marriage. Since he seems to be seeking a healthy way to resolve this, he should try to think about what he can do to deal with his urges in a healthy way, in a way which respects his wife's normal sexual appetite.

That's a productive and healthy way to deal with a spouse who's libido is lower than yours.

And, as a bonus, he will probably experience a lot of personal growth in the process. Win win!

Why does his discrete sexual affair have any effect on the marriage? If anything, it makes everybody happier.
She gets to not have sex.
She doesn't have to reject his advances.
He gets to have sex.
Win Win!

What makes her desire to NOT have sex any more important than his desire for sex?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Refreshing honesty from alot of the ladies here.
Sounds like a lot women who no longer care for sex.
How sad. Don't be surprised when your men stray with a younger woman who still has some libido.

They are not exactly lining up outside the door.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
seems as though his wife did hear him. She seems to actually anticipate his sexual advances, according to OP, and dread them.

But her hearing him does not change her libido, nor does it mean she is obligated to somehow match hers up with his.

She doesn't want sex from him, that's that. Unless or until that changes, OP will have to find a productive, healthy way of dealing with it.

She can certainly choose celibacy for herself and you're right, that's that.
But he can (and should) choose to pursue his normal sexual needs outside the marriage.
That's a productive and healthy way to deal with a withholding spouse.

He can, but that could have effects for the marriage. Since he seems to be seeking a healthy way to resolve this, he should try to think about what he can do to deal with his urges in a healthy way, in a way which respects his wife's normal sexual appetite.

That's a productive and healthy way to deal with a spouse who's libido is lower than yours.

And, as a bonus, he will probably experience a lot of personal growth in the process. Win win!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^Agreed, it's a statement about sexual desire, and PP seems to feel that sexual desire should never be studied or discussed critically, which makes sense given her personal experiences.

As demonstrated, it doesn't make the statement correct.

Now you're just making shit up.

"anyone who shames sexuality is nuts"

Anyone who shames their spouse for sexually desiring them with an out of hand dismissal and a comment to just use their hand and get over it is nuts. And an asshole.
Be real about the discussion you were having.

That's not what she said. In fact, I quoted her directly.

Talk about making shit up.

Lmao- someone needs to scroll up. Or take something for their memory. This tap dancing you're doing is amazing.

Yeah and that person is you.

As stated, I quoted directly.

You, on the other hand..... did not.

Everyone can read the convo here and see you tried to shame the man by telling him things changed and he needs to just deal with it and take matters into his own hands. That knee jerk shaming of his desire was wrong. And everyone who cares about their marriage knows that that dismissive attitude isn't what you take when trying to resolve marital issues. And a sudden change in the status quo is a marital issue. Both parties get to be heard and both get a say. But by all means,keep up the good fight against compromise!

I never "shamed" his desire. However, when he wants his wife to prioritize his desire, over her own preferences, this is where we run into a problem.

And, in a comment that seems to have completely gone over your head, I was pointing out that that routine prioritizing of male desire over women's feelings is exactly what leads to such phenomenon as sex trafficking and child sexual abuse.

Yes. That's not what the OP was doing though. Seems like he just wants to be heard.

But it seems as though his wife did hear him. She seems to actually anticipate his sexual advances, according to OP, and dread them.

But her hearing him does not change her libido, nor does it mean she is obligated to somehow match hers up with his.

She doesn't want sex from him, that's that. Unless or until that changes, OP will have to find a productive, healthy way of dealing with it.

You can't possibly be in partnership with anything more complex than a goldfish.

Another thing you're wrong about! But of course, my relationship does not involve coercive sex, so maybe by your standard it doesn't count?

Right, cause anyone who thinks your attitude is shitty is just putting up with getting raped by their husband You're a piece of work.

I never said that, but you certainly seem to be reading a lot into my words. Did I strike a nerve?

Nope, crazy doesn't faze me, it's just amazing to see in action.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^Agreed, it's a statement about sexual desire, and PP seems to feel that sexual desire should never be studied or discussed critically, which makes sense given her personal experiences.

As demonstrated, it doesn't make the statement correct.

Now you're just making shit up.

"anyone who shames sexuality is nuts"

Anyone who shames their spouse for sexually desiring them with an out of hand dismissal and a comment to just use their hand and get over it is nuts. And an asshole.
Be real about the discussion you were having.

That's not what she said. In fact, I quoted her directly.

Talk about making shit up.

Lmao- someone needs to scroll up. Or take something for their memory. This tap dancing you're doing is amazing.

Yeah and that person is you.

As stated, I quoted directly.

You, on the other hand..... did not.

Everyone can read the convo here and see you tried to shame the man by telling him things changed and he needs to just deal with it and take matters into his own hands. That knee jerk shaming of his desire was wrong. And everyone who cares about their marriage knows that that dismissive attitude isn't what you take when trying to resolve marital issues. And a sudden change in the status quo is a marital issue. Both parties get to be heard and both get a say. But by all means,keep up the good fight against compromise!

I never "shamed" his desire. However, when he wants his wife to prioritize his desire, over her own preferences, this is where we run into a problem.

And, in a comment that seems to have completely gone over your head, I was pointing out that that routine prioritizing of male desire over women's feelings is exactly what leads to such phenomenon as sex trafficking and child sexual abuse.

Yes. That's not what the OP was doing though. Seems like he just wants to be heard.

But it seems as though his wife did hear him. She seems to actually anticipate his sexual advances, according to OP, and dread them.

But her hearing him does not change her libido, nor does it mean she is obligated to somehow match hers up with his.

She doesn't want sex from him, that's that. Unless or until that changes, OP will have to find a productive, healthy way of dealing with it.

You can't possibly be in partnership with anything more complex than a goldfish.

Another thing you're wrong about! But of course, my relationship does not involve coercive sex, so maybe by your standard it doesn't count?

Right, cause anyone who thinks your attitude is shitty is just putting up with getting raped by their husband You're a piece of work.

I never said that, but you certainly seem to be reading a lot into my words. Did I strike a nerve?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^Agreed, it's a statement about sexual desire, and PP seems to feel that sexual desire should never be studied or discussed critically, which makes sense given her personal experiences.

As demonstrated, it doesn't make the statement correct.

Now you're just making shit up.

"anyone who shames sexuality is nuts"

Anyone who shames their spouse for sexually desiring them with an out of hand dismissal and a comment to just use their hand and get over it is nuts. And an asshole.
Be real about the discussion you were having.

That's not what she said. In fact, I quoted her directly.

Talk about making shit up.

Lmao- someone needs to scroll up. Or take something for their memory. This tap dancing you're doing is amazing.

Yeah and that person is you.

As stated, I quoted directly.

You, on the other hand..... did not.

Everyone can read the convo here and see you tried to shame the man by telling him things changed and he needs to just deal with it and take matters into his own hands. That knee jerk shaming of his desire was wrong. And everyone who cares about their marriage knows that that dismissive attitude isn't what you take when trying to resolve marital issues. And a sudden change in the status quo is a marital issue. Both parties get to be heard and both get a say. But by all means,keep up the good fight against compromise!

I never "shamed" his desire. However, when he wants his wife to prioritize his desire, over her own preferences, this is where we run into a problem.

And, in a comment that seems to have completely gone over your head, I was pointing out that that routine prioritizing of male desire over women's feelings is exactly what leads to such phenomenon as sex trafficking and child sexual abuse.

What utter nonsense. This is a stretch of epic proportions. The former is the economics of the black market and the underground economy. The latter is mental illness.

And at the very root of it? The fact that SOME men want to have sex with prostitutes, and a much smaller number of men have a mental illness that compels them to have sex with children (not just girls). Two completely different issues/problems.

There, fixed it for you.

Sure enough men to fund the entire sex industry and make the average age of a prostitute 13. Enough men to make violent pornography popular enough to where there is "torture" genre, and to where "teen" was the number one searched for term for pornography in 2014.

So, it's about time people started thinking about effect of "sexuality" on the recipients of the desire, and not discounting someone's experiences in favor of supporting the turned-on party.

It's a problem that needs to be addressed, and has been allowed to occur by the unwillingness of some to "shame sexuality".

You're nuts. Yes, humanity is a giant cesspool of murder, rape, theft, you name it. It has ever been so. This post was about one man's quest to try to have a happy marriage, not about your greater point about the dark side of sexuality (as seen through the lens of radical feminist doctrine). How about we let this part of the thread die and let those who are actually interested in helping the poor bastard post on the issue? You can always start your own thread about how hateful and evil men are. Actually, I think you already did.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
seems as though his wife did hear him. She seems to actually anticipate his sexual advances, according to OP, and dread them.

But her hearing him does not change her libido, nor does it mean she is obligated to somehow match hers up with his.

She doesn't want sex from him, that's that. Unless or until that changes, OP will have to find a productive, healthy way of dealing with it.

She can certainly choose celibacy for herself and you're right, that's that.
But he can (and should) choose to pursue his normal sexual needs outside the marriage.
That's a productive and healthy way to deal with a withholding spouse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^Agreed, it's a statement about sexual desire, and PP seems to feel that sexual desire should never be studied or discussed critically, which makes sense given her personal experiences.

As demonstrated, it doesn't make the statement correct.

Now you're just making shit up.

"anyone who shames sexuality is nuts"

Anyone who shames their spouse for sexually desiring them with an out of hand dismissal and a comment to just use their hand and get over it is nuts. And an asshole.
Be real about the discussion you were having.

That's not what she said. In fact, I quoted her directly.

Talk about making shit up.

Lmao- someone needs to scroll up. Or take something for their memory. This tap dancing you're doing is amazing.

Yeah and that person is you.

As stated, I quoted directly.

You, on the other hand..... did not.

Everyone can read the convo here and see you tried to shame the man by telling him things changed and he needs to just deal with it and take matters into his own hands. That knee jerk shaming of his desire was wrong. And everyone who cares about their marriage knows that that dismissive attitude isn't what you take when trying to resolve marital issues. And a sudden change in the status quo is a marital issue. Both parties get to be heard and both get a say. But by all means,keep up the good fight against compromise!

I never "shamed" his desire. However, when he wants his wife to prioritize his desire, over her own preferences, this is where we run into a problem.

And, in a comment that seems to have completely gone over your head, I was pointing out that that routine prioritizing of male desire over women's feelings is exactly what leads to such phenomenon as sex trafficking and child sexual abuse.

What utter nonsense. This is a stretch of epic proportions. The former is the economics of the black market and the underground economy. The latter is mental illness.

And at the very root of it? The fact that SOME men want to have sex with prostitutes, and a much smaller number of men have a mental illness that compels them to have sex with children (not just girls). Two completely different issues/problems.

There, fixed it for you.

Sure enough men to fund the entire sex industry and make the average age of a prostitute 13. Enough men to make violent pornography popular enough to where there is "torture" genre, and to where "teen" was the number one searched for term for pornography in 2014.

So, it's about time people started thinking about effect of "sexuality" on the recipients of the desire, and not discounting someone's experiences in favor of supporting the turned-on party.

It's a problem that needs to be addressed, and has been allowed to occur by the unwillingness of some to "shame sexuality".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^Agreed, it's a statement about sexual desire, and PP seems to feel that sexual desire should never be studied or discussed critically, which makes sense given her personal experiences.

As demonstrated, it doesn't make the statement correct.

Now you're just making shit up.

"anyone who shames sexuality is nuts"

Anyone who shames their spouse for sexually desiring them with an out of hand dismissal and a comment to just use their hand and get over it is nuts. And an asshole.
Be real about the discussion you were having.

That's not what she said. In fact, I quoted her directly.

Talk about making shit up.

Lmao- someone needs to scroll up. Or take something for their memory. This tap dancing you're doing is amazing.

Yeah and that person is you.

As stated, I quoted directly.

You, on the other hand..... did not.

Everyone can read the convo here and see you tried to shame the man by telling him things changed and he needs to just deal with it and take matters into his own hands. That knee jerk shaming of his desire was wrong. And everyone who cares about their marriage knows that that dismissive attitude isn't what you take when trying to resolve marital issues. And a sudden change in the status quo is a marital issue. Both parties get to be heard and both get a say. But by all means,keep up the good fight against compromise!

I never "shamed" his desire. However, when he wants his wife to prioritize his desire, over her own preferences, this is where we run into a problem.

And, in a comment that seems to have completely gone over your head, I was pointing out that that routine prioritizing of male desire over women's feelings is exactly what leads to such phenomenon as sex trafficking and child sexual abuse.

Yes. That's not what the OP was doing though. Seems like he just wants to be heard.

But it seems as though his wife did hear him. She seems to actually anticipate his sexual advances, according to OP, and dread them.

But her hearing him does not change her libido, nor does it mean she is obligated to somehow match hers up with his.

She doesn't want sex from him, that's that. Unless or until that changes, OP will have to find a productive, healthy way of dealing with it.

You can't possibly be in partnership with anything more complex than a goldfish.

Another thing you're wrong about! But of course, my relationship does not involve coercive sex, so maybe by your standard it doesn't count?

Right, cause anyone who thinks your attitude is shitty is just putting up with getting raped by their husband You're a piece of work.