Anonymous wrote:Since we are talking about difficult ILs - I also have given her the gifts for DH and DC over the years, and wrapped them. She pays for them, but she seems to have no problem getting anyone else's gift. Should I bring this up?

OP here. (Also above)

Anonymous wrote:PP again who said to bring a dish to share and often host.

When we prepare/buy dishes, I don't always make enough of the same dish for everyone. The reason is because not everyone likes the same dish/dessert. I don't have enough of the same wine for everyone, the same beer, or enough fruit tart.

If I am hosting 20 people, I will have enough of the main dish for everyone but not necessarily enough of each side for all 20 people. 95% of our guests bring something to share. We always have a ton of leftovers. There is always an appetizer or dessert that is widely popular. I will then get more of it for the next party and of course only have gets eaten and then another dish becomes the popular dish that runs out.

I just find it odd that you and the other guests don't bring something to share, especially if it is known that MIL doesn't make enough food. Your fudge example proves that point. Why not bring a cheesecake and another person bring a fruit tart? Then everyone will be able to have dessert.

Sorry, I am not on your side. Your MIL also sounds like she sucks. I wouldn't want to attend this party with the host or guests.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far are you traveling? I know you mentioned taking food wasn't an option but I think my first choice would be to bring a nice meal for us, share with whomever. Honeybaked ham, a couple of sides and just reheat them when we arrived. Serve my family dinner and anyone who wants to join is welcome. It's bold but so is providing dinner for certain family members and not others. You could be honest and say it was because for the last X years we have arrived to no food and you want your children to enjoy a Christmas dinner or one of DH generous clients gifted this to us and we wanted to share.

Alternatively, I would choose a different time to visit. Either a different day or make reservations at a nice restaurant for dinner and arrive before or after.

What does your DH say? Has he spoken to his mother about this? Does your SIL or anyone else in the family say anything when you arrive to no food? I just can't imagine this.

OP again. Thank you for your kind suggestions - I like these the most. I think I will order a Honeybaked Ham. I didn't know they still had those! We are in the area. The day or two after Christmas, we go to other relatives (who are not opposed to feeding us - LOL!). My family is, shall we say, more warm and welcoming.

DH and his family have some issues. Not least of all, Mil (and I have noticed this with one or two siblings, also) pushes him around and he takes it. He is considering getting therapy, after all these years. He is most definitely afraid of her. I think, since you asked, that I am just too in shock (yes, every time) to think a parent would treat a child this way, never mind their grandchildren. Obviously, she sees them as an extension of him. Let's just say, I have learned a LOT about psychology (normal and not) with his family. The more successful he is, the more she enjoys it. WARPED.

But I digress. I like taking the meal to them - perfect! I probably did not consider this before, because we just did Thanksgiving for his family and a bunch more people, and it was a ton of work. Fun, but exhausting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have posted before. You need to make an effort to come much much earlier than the designated meal, help out in making the food- go pick out some stuff from trader joe's or wherever to supplement the meal. If you continue to arrive after dinner has already been served you are being passive aggressive and you are at fault too.

*IF* the MIL feels this way, she needs to speak up, and tell guests what to bring when they ask; and bring more than they already do. Or ask the other relatives to rotate the holidays more than they already do. There is no one holding a gun to MILs head to host. It sounds like MIL wants bragging rights, without doing the work necessary when people volunteer to host. I have never heard of a host slighting one particular guest, to do so is insulting, obnoxious, toxic and passive aggressive. I have also never heard of "hosting", only to have your guests supply all of the food. Pass the torch if you can't handle it.

You've never been to a potluck or heard of one?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have posted before. You need to make an effort to come much much earlier than the designated meal, help out in making the food- go pick out some stuff from trader joe's or wherever to supplement the meal. If you continue to arrive after dinner has already been served you are being passive aggressive and you are at fault too.

*IF* the MIL feels this way, she needs to speak up, and tell guests what to bring when they ask; and bring more than they already do. Or ask the other relatives to rotate the holidays more than they already do. There is no one holding a gun to MILs head to host. It sounds like MIL wants bragging rights, without doing the work necessary when people volunteer to host. I have never heard of a host slighting one particular guest, to do so is insulting, obnoxious, toxic and passive aggressive. I have also never heard of "hosting", only to have your guests supply all of the food. Pass the torch if you can't handle it.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have posted before. You need to make an effort to come much much earlier than the designated meal, help out in making the food- go pick out some stuff from trader joe's or wherever to supplement the meal. If you continue to arrive after dinner has already been served you are being passive aggressive and you are at fault too.