OP, I once again wish I could be your friend IRL.

Hope is not a plan. Until he actually comes clean (and if he hasn't agreed to show you all the emails and texts, then he hasn't), you are putting your faith in the wrong person.

Take care of yourself. This is far from over. It takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity, and the trickle truth will extend that time.

OP here - thanks for all the responses. I am concerned about how much consensus there is about this.

I think I just have to let him try to make things right and hope that he does not contact her and then see where things are at in a month or two.

I agree this could come back to haunt me and ruin my life. Even if it was not physical, I think the fact that he was really emotionally involved with her is not a good sign at all and she was calling the shots seemingly, etc.

It is just that we have so much to lose as a family. I do work part time but we would be broke if we separated. WE would lose our house which we have been fixing up for many years. I want to stay together as a family. Plus he is a good guy...although his behavior lately (and really for the last couple of years) towards me has not been great.

I know I will have to reassess in a few months. We'll see. I am just trying to figure out how I will ever be able to figure out if he does have contact with her. Maybe he will start acting anxious and guilty again. I dont know.

OK, everyone, please don't beat up the OP. Think how awful she already feels. Her and her children's lives are imploding. You talk about respect and dignity, but running her down doesn't help at all.

OP, I think you've heard, and even listened to, what everyone has had to say. I understand that you need to digest. You may even decide that you need to accept some things but still move on with your marriage for the greater good. I don't think the cost-benefit analysis of divorce is always as straightforward as some of the other posters seem to think. Do what you have to do, but do it with a clear head and don't delude yourself. Own your decisions, even if your husband has not owned his.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what are your thoughts on the unanimous advice you have been given here?

She doesn't care. Would much prefer not to have to work and stay in her house and just believe her lying and cheating husband. I always wonder what happens in someone's life that makes them have such low self esteem to allow themselves to be treated this way.

She doesn't have her own source of income, and she has three children to care for. She has to believe what she has to in order to survive economically and psychologically. Unfortunate, indeed.

OP, I had been feeling bad for you and I still do..But you are making things worse for yourself....

STOP blaming the OW..yes she might be a s**t or a w***e , so what does that make your precious DH for wanting her over you?? The ONLY person to be blamed is your DH...stop making excuses for him ..its sounding rather pathetic and while you are it grow some self respect and self esteem for yourself...

OP, this is not the 19th century. Getting divorce is not only for the wealthy and it's not the social nightmare it once was. Stop making excuses for him. I know, you don't want to give up the so-called security and comfort you think you have but let's face it. You're enabling him. He's got you exactly where he wants you. Easily manipulated and with (you believe) more to lose than he has.

Anonymous wrote:OP, what are your thoughts on the unanimous advice you have been given here?

She doesn't care. Would much prefer not to have to work and stay in her house and just believe her lying and cheating husband. I always wonder what happens in someone's life that makes them have such low self esteem to allow themselves to be treated this way.

There as never been this much consensus on DCUM. That should be telling you a lot. Your H is having a physical affair. That is why he won't show you the emails. Period.

1) Get thee an atty NOW.

2) Get tested for STDs.

Anonymous wrote:OP here ...This whole thing is so out of character for dH who has always been a "good guy." He is nice; he is nerdy and shy. He has a good gov't job. He was not a big socializer...Just a normal regular guy. Maybe it is a mid life crisis. Plus I think he had a crush on this woman way back when they did work together. We had just gotten married back then and she was just getting divorced. So the whole crush thing is very worrisome. he said to me - oh, we have so much in common (as friends) - we grew up on the same area; we both had horses, etc etc. And I'm like - what am I chopped liver??? He did seem very fascinated by her.
I'll keep you posted in more dribbles come out...I am a little bit hopeful and a little bit wary.

It is often the "nice" "nerdy" guys who did nto get an oppotunity to do this when they were single, and are going to take it now. And yes, he IS fascinated by her. He talks to her on the phone for hours. He is willing to leave his wife on her advice. She is in charge here, OP. If you think your one phone call to her is going to turn this whole thing around, well....

Bottom line. You have to get access to the emails and texts, print them, and take them to a lawyer to get a base line assessment of what your options are. Then perhaps you won't feel so helpless in the situation and can muster up some self respect.

OP, what are your thoughts on the unanimous advice you have been given here?

OP, I hope you like this other woman, because she's going to be around your kids a lot in the future.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - and while I do blame my DH, I also blame her. I mean, what kind of woman pursues a married man like that?

I understand this feeling OP, but it doesn't come from a rationale place. When posters here keep mentioning you are in denial this post makes that glaringly obvious. Like I said, I understand women like this are damaged and who the hell do they think they are? but in the end it ALL comes down to you DH and not her. I absolutely hate it when the Other Women come onto threads like these, defending their actions saying "we didn't take vows, he did"- it doesn't make it okay but there is truth in it- SHE owes you nothing, your husband does... anything else is just an excuse to forgive him (which I also understand why you want to, when I was cheated on a wasted almost a year believing his bullshit apologies, half-truths, and platitudes.)

Please OP, it is hard for you to see the forrest through the trees here because you are so entrenched- but don't be so easily swayed it will hurt even more knowing you let it drag on...

So the OW has low integrity, no sense of decency, is a first class bitch on wheels, blah, blah, blah. So what? The problem is that your HUSBAND has been messing around with that. And your HUSBAND has brought that into YOUR life.

It's like being mad at a bottle of whiskey for making your husband barfing drunk....

Op - I'm sorry you're going through this.

You have the option of sticking in there as long as you can and hoping that your husband comes around and decides to work (with you) on your marriage again. But why would you put your future, the well being of yourself and your kids into the hands of a man that you can not trust? Don't you deserve a whole sh*tload better than that?

Wishing this all away won't mean that it will go away. Stay or go Op but stand up for yourself and do not put up with this very shabby, disrespectful treatment. You deserve better than that.

Anonymous wrote:OP here ...This whole thing is so out of character for dH who has always been a "good guy." He is nice; he is nerdy and shy. He has a good gov't job. He was not a big socializer...Just a normal regular guy. Maybe it is a mid life crisis. Plus I think he had a crush on this woman way back when they did work together. We had just gotten married back then and she was just getting divorced. So the whole crush thing is very worrisome. he said to me - oh, we have so much in common (as friends) - we grew up on the same area; we both had horses, etc etc. And I'm like - what am I chopped liver??? He did seem very fascinated by her.
I'll keep you posted in more dribbles come out...I am a little bit hopeful and a little bit wary.

Thanks, but no thanks. I'm done with this sad Lifetime movie.

Well he wanted you to move out, so yes, right now you are chopped liver to him. If you are hopeful despite him refusing to show you emails, then nothing any of us say will help.