Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DS is being counseled out of a top private school now. Reading this thread has somewhat helped me to understand. He is the first ouf our family to go to private school so I did not have alot of experience with this environment. He has gone to this school since kindergarten and he is in 8th grade now. He scores very high, 99th percentile, on standardized tests, and the Middle school VP told me he is brilliant. But he has ADHD, and he has difficulty remembering the homework. He does it and forgets to bring it or forgets to click post on google classroom. Or he forgets it has to be done. He does well on the tests but the late and missing homework drag his grades down. His grades are As and Bs with a B- here and there. The teachers don't like that he doodles and fidgets. He is a nerdy, skinny unathletic sweet kid who is not aggressive at all. When he was younger the teachers were annoyed because he would sometimes get up out of his chair and stand behind his desk and would wiggle and jiggle in his chair. He also called out (the correct) answers out of turn. Alternatively he would read a book in class when they were going over material he had already mastered. His hyperactivity is far less pronounced now in middle school. His math is off the charts good but he has organizational issues and his essay writing and grammar needs work. I cannot afford tutors because all of my money goes to pay the school although he needs a writing tutor and an organizational coach. The counseling out started in 6th grade, when he got a C in Mandarin. I was amazed at how they could say he wasn't academically fit for the school because he got a C in Chinese. Granted he only got As in math and the rest of the grades were B+ to B-. I medicated him in 7th grade and his grades did improve to As and Bs. I thought we were out of the woods but then in the first week of 8th grade he was late on 2 homework assignments and the VP of Middle school called me to say he wasn't academically able to manage High School. Again, I was amazed, at how they could say that in the first week of class. I was outraged because i thought, he cannot be the only kid in this entire school that has some B's. I asked specifically if it was a behavioral issue and I was told no. However they did want me to start the medication again, which i have done. The school is 45k a year and I have been paying since K, so I could avoid the hardship of the HS search. I should also say that he turned 5 a week before the school cutoff and so is an actual year younger than many of the other boys who turned 6 in the weeks after K started. Being a year younger as a boy makes a big difference as it makes it harder to compete in sports if you are 6 inches shorter and 40 pounds lighter than the rest of the boys every year. I sometimes wonder if he really has ADHD or if he is just a really smart 7th grader rather than an immature 8th grader. Anyway, i can see the other side from reading these comments. Not like he ever was physically aggressive but i am sure his inattention and wigglyness was distracting to other kids and annoying to teachers. I just didn't want to give him a stimulant when he was young and in the 5th percentile for weight. My feeling when they told me he answered out of turn or stood behind his desk was, "so - he's not perfect. He is smart and nice, so just teach him, that is what i am paying you 45k to do". In 6th grade when they wanted us to leave they said they would suggest some schools for him that would be better but then they never did. Maybe i would have sent him to one - a school for very smart kids with ADHD. What would that look like? Balls to sit on and standing desks and time to stretch after class and every assignment posted online as well as being mentioned in passing during class. When he is frequently bored in class now because the work moves slowly, I wouldnt want to send him to a school where he is with profoundly LD children, yet he does need extra support in certain areas. Apparently the private schools dont want to provide any sort of support at all. Also I cannot afford to contribute more than the annual fee on my salary and i am a single mother so i am not able to come and devote alot of time to support the school. I can see how they would want to squeeze my DS out and replace him with a big donor family with a kid that doesnt need any extra support at all. But i do feel a little bitter. I spent so much over the years, and hoped they might make a commitment to educating my entirely educable child. At least that is the promise they made in K when we enrolled. But it is not the reality.

There is a lot here to address but as a former skinny, smaller, immature, younger-than-the-rest boy, who probably also had issues that required medicine, I suggest you hold him back. Find some other outlet for the fact that he will get bored for a bit and then watch as mastery feeds into confidence and success helps with maturity. Being youngest and maybe smartest is nightmare.

I would switch him to a public school and hold him back. take some of the $45K you are spending on tuition and use it to pay for a house in a great school district (if you don't already live in one). it's sad that you are going through this. Sounds like your kid will turn out just fine but public schools (where there are more supports, you will have some $$ left for add'l support, and where sports are less of a prime focus) will be a better fit anyway.

Anonymous wrote:Lots of good advice in this thread. I find it hard to believe that it's just academic though when your DC is getting good to OK grades. My DC's class had one kid supposedly counseled out -- I don't know what his grades were like but he was disruptive in class, such that my DC complained all the time how hard it was having that kid in the class. I'd guess the kid was ADHD but unfortunately not on meds. I may have missed it but schools really want kids who will be part of the community -- participate in sports, clubs, theater, student gov't, etc. I'd expect it would be much less likely for a kid to be asked to leave if the kid was active.

Anonymous wrote:This subject reminded me of a frightening trend I have now seen at the schools discussed regularly on this site: African-American boys being counseled out. Boys seem to struggle with sitting with their hands in their lap as it is, add sports and competition and a natural tendency to need to move and they are set-up for little room to grow. This matched with overly effected parents and, in some cases, teachers who don't have a handle on how to work with boys. I don't know why, but the first to be moved out are the AA boys. I have seen six in early grades over three schools in the past four years. That's an alarming rate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And the ones who pay 30k feel that their kid should get away with murder.

This is eerily reminiscent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DS is being counseled out of a top private school now. Reading this thread has somewhat helped me to understand. He is the first ouf our family to go to private school so I did not have alot of experience with this environment. He has gone to this school since kindergarten and he is in 8th grade now. He scores very high, 99th percentile, on standardized tests, and the Middle school VP told me he is brilliant. But he has ADHD, and he has difficulty remembering the homework. He does it and forgets to bring it or forgets to click post on google classroom. Or he forgets it has to be done. He does well on the tests but the late and missing homework drag his grades down. His grades are As and Bs with a B- here and there. The teachers don't like that he doodles and fidgets. He is a nerdy, skinny unathletic sweet kid who is not aggressive at all. When he was younger the teachers were annoyed because he would sometimes get up out of his chair and stand behind his desk and would wiggle and jiggle in his chair. He also called out (the correct) answers out of turn. Alternatively he would read a book in class when they were going over material he had already mastered. His hyperactivity is far less pronounced now in middle school. His math is off the charts good but he has organizational issues and his essay writing and grammar needs work. I cannot afford tutors because all of my money goes to pay the school although he needs a writing tutor and an organizational coach. The counseling out started in 6th grade, when he got a C in Mandarin. I was amazed at how they could say he wasn't academically fit for the school because he got a C in Chinese. Granted he only got As in math and the rest of the grades were B+ to B-. I medicated him in 7th grade and his grades did improve to As and Bs. I thought we were out of the woods but then in the first week of 8th grade he was late on 2 homework assignments and the VP of Middle school called me to say he wasn't academically able to manage High School. Again, I was amazed, at how they could say that in the first week of class. I was outraged because i thought, he cannot be the only kid in this entire school that has some B's. I asked specifically if it was a behavioral issue and I was told no. However they did want me to start the medication again, which i have done. The school is 45k a year and I have been paying since K, so I could avoid the hardship of the HS search. I should also say that he turned 5 a week before the school cutoff and so is an actual year younger than many of the other boys who turned 6 in the weeks after K started. Being a year younger as a boy makes a big difference as it makes it harder to compete in sports if you are 6 inches shorter and 40 pounds lighter than the rest of the boys every year. I sometimes wonder if he really has ADHD or if he is just a really smart 7th grader rather than an immature 8th grader. Anyway, i can see the other side from reading these comments. Not like he ever was physically aggressive but i am sure his inattention and wigglyness was distracting to other kids and annoying to teachers. I just didn't want to give him a stimulant when he was young and in the 5th percentile for weight. My feeling when they told me he answered out of turn or stood behind his desk was, "so - he's not perfect. He is smart and nice, so just teach him, that is what i am paying you 45k to do". In 6th grade when they wanted us to leave they said they would suggest some schools for him that would be better but then they never did. Maybe i would have sent him to one - a school for very smart kids with ADHD. What would that look like? Balls to sit on and standing desks and time to stretch after class and every assignment posted online as well as being mentioned in passing during class. When he is frequently bored in class now because the work moves slowly, I wouldnt want to send him to a school where he is with profoundly LD children, yet he does need extra support in certain areas. Apparently the private schools dont want to provide any sort of support at all. Also I cannot afford to contribute more than the annual fee on my salary and i am a single mother so i am not able to come and devote alot of time to support the school. I can see how they would want to squeeze my DS out and replace him with a big donor family with a kid that doesnt need any extra support at all. But i do feel a little bitter. I spent so much over the years, and hoped they might make a commitment to educating my entirely educable child. At least that is the promise they made in K when we enrolled. But it is not the reality.

There is a lot here to address but as a former skinny, smaller, immature, younger-than-the-rest boy, who probably also had issues that required medicine, I suggest you hold him back. Find some other outlet for the fact that he will get bored for a bit and then watch as mastery feeds into confidence and success helps with maturity. Being youngest and maybe smartest is nightmare.

Anonymous wrote:My DS is being counseled out of a top private school now. Reading this thread has somewhat helped me to understand. He is the first ouf our family to go to private school so I did not have alot of experience with this environment. He has gone to this school since kindergarten and he is in 8th grade now. He scores very high, 99th percentile, on standardized tests, and the Middle school VP told me he is brilliant. But he has ADHD, and he has difficulty remembering the homework. He does it and forgets to bring it or forgets to click post on google classroom. Or he forgets it has to be done. He does well on the tests but the late and missing homework drag his grades down. His grades are As and Bs with a B- here and there. The teachers don't like that he doodles and fidgets. He is a nerdy, skinny unathletic sweet kid who is not aggressive at all. When he was younger the teachers were annoyed because he would sometimes get up out of his chair and stand behind his desk and would wiggle and jiggle in his chair. He also called out (the correct) answers out of turn. Alternatively he would read a book in class when they were going over material he had already mastered. His hyperactivity is far less pronounced now in middle school. His math is off the charts good but he has organizational issues and his essay writing and grammar needs work. I cannot afford tutors because all of my money goes to pay the school although he needs a writing tutor and an organizational coach. The counseling out started in 6th grade, when he got a C in Mandarin. I was amazed at how they could say he wasn't academically fit for the school because he got a C in Chinese. Granted he only got As in math and the rest of the grades were B+ to B-. I medicated him in 7th grade and his grades did improve to As and Bs. I thought we were out of the woods but then in the first week of 8th grade he was late on 2 homework assignments and the VP of Middle school called me to say he wasn't academically able to manage High School. Again, I was amazed, at how they could say that in the first week of class. I was outraged because i thought, he cannot be the only kid in this entire school that has some B's. I asked specifically if it was a behavioral issue and I was told no. However they did want me to start the medication again, which i have done. The school is 45k a year and I have been paying since K, so I could avoid the hardship of the HS search. I should also say that he turned 5 a week before the school cutoff and so is an actual year younger than many of the other boys who turned 6 in the weeks after K started. Being a year younger as a boy makes a big difference as it makes it harder to compete in sports if you are 6 inches shorter and 40 pounds lighter than the rest of the boys every year. I sometimes wonder if he really has ADHD or if he is just a really smart 7th grader rather than an immature 8th grader. Anyway, i can see the other side from reading these comments. Not like he ever was physically aggressive but i am sure his inattention and wigglyness was distracting to other kids and annoying to teachers. I just didn't want to give him a stimulant when he was young and in the 5th percentile for weight. My feeling when they told me he answered out of turn or stood behind his desk was, "so - he's not perfect. He is smart and nice, so just teach him, that is what i am paying you 45k to do". In 6th grade when they wanted us to leave they said they would suggest some schools for him that would be better but then they never did. Maybe i would have sent him to one - a school for very smart kids with ADHD. What would that look like? Balls to sit on and standing desks and time to stretch after class and every assignment posted online as well as being mentioned in passing during class. When he is frequently bored in class now because the work moves slowly, I wouldnt want to send him to a school where he is with profoundly LD children, yet he does need extra support in certain areas. Apparently the private schools dont want to provide any sort of support at all. Also I cannot afford to contribute more than the annual fee on my salary and i am a single mother so i am not able to come and devote alot of time to support the school. I can see how they would want to squeeze my DS out and replace him with a big donor family with a kid that doesnt need any extra support at all. But i do feel a little bitter. I spent so much over the years, and hoped they might make a commitment to educating my entirely educable child. At least that is the promise they made in K when we enrolled. But it is not the reality.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You joke. But if there's one thing I expect my 30K per year to buy, it is a classroom free of constant disruptions from uncontrollable others.

whose parents are also paying $30,000 per year.

But, they're outnumbered 16 to 1

You are mistaken. There are plenty of dopey kids who exhibit mild to severe antisocial behaviors. What it really comes down to is popularity. What it comes down to is the behaviors of a popular child might be considered mischievous, but endearly, while for another child those same behaviors which may even be a mimic of those of a popular child, will be considered antisocial and intolerable.

I'm the 16 to 1 PP.

I think we are both correct. The relative desirability of the kid in question is a factor, I have no doubt. Can this kid be easily replaced in the next admission cycle with someone just like him -- but without the challenges? If his parents give the school $25,000 every few years ... probably not. Other considerations include URM status and unusual athletic prowess.

All that said ... IF there are enough parents in the Group of 16 cited above who themselves represent something rare-ish and desirable to the school, then I firmly believe their opinion carries more weight. In particular, their opinion as to whether they must "begin to look at options" because their kid's experience is being so negatively affected by the desirable-yet-problematic kid.

It's good that your child is part of the 16 and is not the 1 being singled out. The only problem with your "private schools are selective logic" is that once you've removed the child who is not wanted, you will be left with a 15 to 1 situation. Selecting children for elimination is a morally dubious practice. Selecting children for elimination is a little bit like Sophie's Choice. It's good that your child is currently in the majority; hopefully that will never change. Hopefully, your child will never be chosen to be the 1.

Life is long, perhaps a bit of grace today will be returned to you one day in the form of kindness and understanding when you and yours find yourselves vulnerable and in need of a helping hand.

Can you point out to me where I said my child is in the group of 16 and not the one who may be counseled out?

No. You can't. And, don't shoot the messenger for reporting out accurate, real-life observations of the cesspool that is private school politics in Washington.