Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have kids, and I'm scared to because I feel like everyone i know who has kids, or writes about having kids, seems to complain constantly about it. It just seems to suck.

Is it really that bad? Or does the good outweigh the bad?

Everything bad you have ever heard is 100% true. You are sleep deprived, your time is not your own, it is expensive, it changes you from an individual to a parent, it is permanent, you can't walk away AND you are sleep deprived. However, the BAD is very quantifiable.

Now - the good is so amazing, so joyful, so soul-fulfilling, so transformative - that there is no way to quantify it or describe it. You have to experience it to know it.

This is not true for all of us.

Np. It is for me.

It's rocky. Lots of ups and downs. Sometimes the highs are transcendent. Sometimes the lows are more like body blows. Mostly it's somewhere in the middle, on the side of being a good, even great experience. But even in the midst of the lows, the thing is, I love them dearly so how could I ever wish them away? I wouldn't even if I could. I'll tell you one thing though: you usually hear people on here saying they're glad they had their kids later in life. I am the opposite. I saw that post earlier today about a 46 yo expecting. I think my heart would stop if I found out I was pg. at 46. I'll have a 20 yo and an 18 yo by then and am very thankful about that, lol.

Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself why so many people have a second. They are well aware of how sucky it sometimes is because of the first, and yet they go again. Because although it often sucks, it's pretty wonderful, too. And the proportion of suckiness to wonderfulness changes over time.

I had my second so my first would not be alone when DH and I are old and then gone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have kids, and I'm scared to because I feel like everyone i know who has kids, or writes about having kids, seems to complain constantly about it. It just seems to suck.

Is it really that bad? Or does the good outweigh the bad?

Everything bad you have ever heard is 100% true. You are sleep deprived, your time is not your own, it is expensive, it changes you from an individual to a parent, it is permanent, you can't walk away AND you are sleep deprived. However, the BAD is very quantifiable.

Now - the good is so amazing, so joyful, so soul-fulfilling, so transformative - that there is no way to quantify it or describe it. You have to experience it to know it.

This is not true for all of us.

Just have one kid OP. I get the experience of parenting but its so much less stressful than my friends who have two. We can easily travel with her, trade off morning/bed time duties. Go out to dinner all the time etc. it really is the best of both worlds!

Ask yourself why so many people have a second. They are well aware of how sucky it sometimes is because of the first, and yet they go again. Because although it often sucks, it's pretty wonderful, too. And the proportion of suckiness to wonderfulness changes over time.

Yes. Don't do it op. If you do, you will become one of these miserable wares of space who are just counting down the days till their kids grow up and leave, like the rest of us.

Only have kids if you have a solid marriage, a responsible husband, and enough money.

If one of those three is missing, it's a nightmare from hell.

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if the parents who claim to NOT have "easy" kids" (like us) - would find parenting difficult, no matter which kind of child they had?

NP here.

Not me. I have one who has a mean streak and is really stubborn. I love her and she has lots of good qualities, but she's not easy to raise. Her younger sister is so sweet, kind, and thoughtful. She's so easy to parent. So I know the difference between easy and hard.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is a horrible thread. Parenting is not something you wing it at. There are many known methods that are documented and that really work. OP, it's as hard as you make it.

Ugh, you are so annoying. I have read up on many methods that are documented and supposedly really work. None of them have helped with DS's hyperactivity, impulsiveness, oppositional behavior, and low frustration tolerance. Nor have sessions with a child psych. It is not just a question of "well, if you do everything right, things won't be hard." Things are hard, but I still love DS and am glad to be a parent. There is no one magical formula that will make things easy. You don't get to choose the kid you get.

NP here. It's interesting that you called that poster annoying, because I just find it so annoying myself, when people say, 'you get what you get', not true at all. How the parents nurture and react to each developmental phase, is very important. Personalities that your kids will end up with are somewhat formed by the parents.

Completely new PP. No, the poster saying "annoying" is right. You and the first poster sound as though you have easy or relatively easy kids. Good for you, but you really can't take credit for having a kid with an easy, malleable temperament. It sounds as though second PP is a great parent and is doing everything she can. There is only so much you can do to mold and change things, and certainly with some issues you can only cope and help your child cope.

Why do you assume anyone who believes nurture makes at least some difference must have naturally easy kids? Kind of assuming nurture makes no difference?

Nurture makes very little difference at a very young age. I know families with 4-5 kids and some of them will have a laid back temperament and sleep well while others won't...and all of these kids with the same parents. Just tonight I talked to some friends that had wanted 5 kids after they had the first one. They had a second one and he was so difficult they decided not to have any more...again, same parents with 2 completely different children.

Ha, I have two kids and I can bear witness to this. My second is ridiculously easy. Sure, a small part of it is probably that I'm not terrified of screwing up this time (I know that some screwups are inevitable), and so I'm a little more relaxed. But I'd say it's 85% temperament and 15% me. My oldest was so tough that there are nearly 9 years between my kids, if that tells you anything. To be honest, I'm kind of grateful for the tough child, because she taught me not to be a smug asshole about parenting.

It is really that bad. But what people don't say aloud is that having kids gives them something to live for, and fills them with more love than they ever thought possible. At least that's how I feel. It's like the Phoenix... it destroys what you previously had, but out flies this incredible creature from the ashes.

I wonder if the parents who claim to NOT have "easy" kids" (like us) - would find parenting difficult, no matter which kind of child they had?

NP here.

Anonymous wrote:I don't have kids, and I'm scared to because I feel like everyone i know who has kids, or writes about having kids, seems to complain constantly about it. It just seems to suck.

Is it really that bad? Or does the good outweigh the bad?

Everything bad you have ever heard is 100% true. You are sleep deprived, your time is not your own, it is expensive, it changes you from an individual to a parent, it is permanent, you can't walk away AND you are sleep deprived. However, the BAD is very quantifiable.

Now - the good is so amazing, so joyful, so soul-fulfilling, so transformative - that there is no way to quantify it or describe it. You have to experience it to know it.

It's one of those things. If you have to ask this question, probably better not to have kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is a horrible thread. Parenting is not something you wing it at. There are many known methods that are documented and that really work. OP, it's as hard as you make it.

Ugh, you are so annoying. I have read up on many methods that are documented and supposedly really work. None of them have helped with DS's hyperactivity, impulsiveness, oppositional behavior, and low frustration tolerance. Nor have sessions with a child psych. It is not just a question of "well, if you do everything right, things won't be hard." Things are hard, but I still love DS and am glad to be a parent. There is no one magical formula that will make things easy. You don't get to choose the kid you get.

NP here. It's interesting that you called that poster annoying, because I just find it so annoying myself, when people say, 'you get what you get', not true at all. How the parents nurture and react to each developmental phase, is very important. Personalities that your kids will end up with are somewhat formed by the parents.

Completely new PP. No, the poster saying "annoying" is right. You and the first poster sound as though you have easy or relatively easy kids. Good for you, but you really can't take credit for having a kid with an easy, malleable temperament. It sounds as though second PP is a great parent and is doing everything she can. There is only so much you can do to mold and change things, and certainly with some issues you can only cope and help your child cope.

Why do you assume anyone who believes nurture makes at least some difference must have naturally easy kids? Kind of assuming nurture makes no difference?

Nurture makes very little difference at a very young age. I know families with 4-5 kids and some of them will have a laid back temperament and sleep well while others won't...and all of these kids with the same parents. Just tonight I talked to some friends that had wanted 5 kids after they had the first one. They had a second one and he was so difficult they decided not to have any more...again, same parents with 2 completely different children.