Anonymous wrote:Living together when you are both in your forties with children?!? Don't think so. Either he marries you and becomes your kids' stepdad or you break up. Having your fiancé live with you and your kids for four years is just dumb.

Nice, time machine advice and name calling. Clearly a winner here.

Living together when you are both in your forties with children?!? Don't think so. Either he marries you and becomes your kids' stepdad or you break up. Having your fiancé live with you and your kids for four years is just dumb.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:..........I need X and Y and Z" where X, Y and Z are things like "pay your fair share of household expenses" and "set a wedding date" and whatever else is important to you. Until he is willing to do those things, I see no reason to have him as part of your life.

This is TERRIBLE advice.

How many times have we read posts about women complaining about the men they married saying something like: "I knew he had a problem with ...... but I thought he'd change" or "I knew he had a problem with ....... but it has gotten worse".

This guy is damaged goods. Something in his past has caused him to have a distorted view about money and relationships when it comes to money. I am the one who posted that he is not responsible for the support of your children - that is your responsibility and that of their father.

But when he takes the view that the cost of a visit to an amusement park should be borne entirely by you because he is merely accompanying you for the sake of the children, it is petty and mean-spirited. It is something deep within his psyche that causes him to react that way to money. It will not change no matter what you agree with him as the ground rules.

I'm the poster you're quoting, and I actually completely agree with you. I also know that it is heartbreaking and hard to walk away from a person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. Yesterday, plenty of people were advising the OP to demand changes from her boyfriend. Many also said that he should move out but that they could continue to date. It's not easy to cut someone off cold turkey, even if it's the right thing to do. I was simply suggesting that OP put in place some conditions on their relationship.

That said, I think a better scenario would be that OP never speaks to him again and moves on with her life, possibly with the OP of the post "Argument gone wrong" as a tenant.

It is gracious and open-minded of you to agree with my point of view though I was contradicting your well-intended advice.

I think the danger with OP maintaining any type of contact with the guy is that he will manipulate her. She is very vulnerable at this time. But your point about the time she invested in the relationship is well made as is the pain involved in walking away from the relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:..........I need X and Y and Z" where X, Y and Z are things like "pay your fair share of household expenses" and "set a wedding date" and whatever else is important to you. Until he is willing to do those things, I see no reason to have him as part of your life.

This is TERRIBLE advice.

How many times have we read posts about women complaining about the men they married saying something like: "I knew he had a problem with ...... but I thought he'd change" or "I knew he had a problem with ....... but it has gotten worse".

This guy is damaged goods. Something in his past has caused him to have a distorted view about money and relationships when it comes to money. I am the one who posted that he is not responsible for the support of your children - that is your responsibility and that of their father.

But when he takes the view that the cost of a visit to an amusement park should be borne entirely by you because he is merely accompanying you for the sake of the children, it is petty and mean-spirited. It is something deep within his psyche that causes him to react that way to money. It will not change no matter what you agree with him as the ground rules.

I'm the poster you're quoting, and I actually completely agree with you. I also know that it is heartbreaking and hard to walk away from a person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. Yesterday, plenty of people were advising the OP to demand changes from her boyfriend. Many also said that he should move out but that they could continue to date. It's not easy to cut someone off cold turkey, even if it's the right thing to do. I was simply suggesting that OP put in place some conditions on their relationship.

That said, I think a better scenario would be that OP never speaks to him again and moves on with her life, possibly with the OP of the post "Argument gone wrong" as a tenant.

Everytime we went anywhere with the kids I paid for everyone, including him because he said he shouldn't have to pay to go to an amusement park or a kid related vacation since it is not something he wants to do and always made me feel like he was doing me a favor by coming with us

OP, the issue that everyone is trying to point to in your relationship is not about money. Money is the vehicle through which he belittles you and your family, uses you, and makes you question yourself. Money is the way in which he inflicts damage and control and psychological abuse. There is no percentage of contribution that makes the attitude you noted above--that he is doing you and your family a favor by spending time with you---okay. He soudns very sick, or at least incredibly selfish and emotionally manipulative.

I am glad you have gotten out. Now, block his calls and emails (so they are automatically deleted and you are not tempted to engage) and move on. cut off contact, since he is the type to try to guilt/manipulate you into returning. ANd then, Find a renter!

Anonymous wrote:..........I need X and Y and Z" where X, Y and Z are things like "pay your fair share of household expenses" and "set a wedding date" and whatever else is important to you. Until he is willing to do those things, I see no reason to have him as part of your life.

This is TERRIBLE advice.

How many times have we read posts about women complaining about the men they married saying something like: "I knew he had a problem with ...... but I thought he'd change" or "I knew he had a problem with ....... but it has gotten worse".

This guy is damaged goods. Something in his past has caused him to have a distorted view about money and relationships when it comes to money. I am the one who posted that he is not responsible for the support of your children - that is your responsibility and that of their father.

But when he takes the view that the cost of a visit to an amusement park should be borne entirely by you because he is merely accompanying you for the sake of the children, it is petty and mean-spirited. It is something deep within his psyche that causes him to react that way to money. It will not change no matter what you agree with him as the ground rules.

He's a damaged, damaged man, OP. probably beyond repair.

Anonymous wrote:I posted before, but working adults in the household generally should be 50/50 contributors. Whose kids are whose don't matter. This percentage can be changed if someone is making significantly more or less.

Now, if I had kids and was living with a fiancé who was not their father, I would expect to pay kid stuff like clothing, helath insurance, field trips, big Christmas presents, etc.

Which begs the question, was he one for buying gifts? Did he buy you things? Your kids?

That guy has some SERIOUS issues with money. I wonder what his childhood was like....

Not the OP, but they have been together for 4 years. I cannot imagine being with someone for 4 years and not buying their children a birthday present. I would not want to pay for their health insurance or education expenses, but everything the OP has said about this man makes him sound like he does not care about the kids at all. I cannot imagine staying with someone for so long who had that attitude. It would be a dealbreaker for me, as a single mom with a kid.

Sabrina55 wrote:

Sabrina55 wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted before, but working adults in the household generally should be 50/50 contributors. Whose kids are whose don't matter. This percentage can be changed if someone is making significantly more or less.

Now, if I had kids and was living with a fiancé who was not their father, I would expect to pay kid stuff like clothing, helath insurance, field trips, big Christmas presents, etc.

Which begs the question, was he one for buying gifts? Did he buy you things? Your kids?

That guy has some SERIOUS issues with money. I wonder what his childhood was like....

He bought me gifts for occasions, I bought all the gifts for the kids and put both our names on it. He bought them one gift each EVER, years ago and that was as a thank you for them helping rake one of his houses and he gave them a dollar for every bag they filled. I NEVER EVER expected him to pay for kids clothes, activities, health related stuff.

One of the sweetest things I can remember, our first Christmas together, my son brought his own money to school without even telling me and bought him Football Glasses of the team he likes, from the school fundraiser and surprised him with his own gift.

OP. I posted yesterday multiple times and have been following this and being frustrated and also cheering for you.

What you described in the bolded post is very sweet. Be proud of your son that he is a considerate and generous person. And then move on. This kind of thinking is what my mom refers to as "toxic nostalgia". You are looking back on a sweet thing fondly. This man does not deserve that from you. A person who deserves to have their girlfriend's children come up with presents independently and share in those family moments does not pack their stuff and walk out when asked to contribute fairly to household expenses.

I really want to see the email he sent you. I would also strongly encourage you to stop engaging with him. It's okay for you to tell him something along the lines of "If you want to be with me, I need X and Y and Z" where X, Y and Z are things like "pay your fair share of household expenses" and "set a wedding date" and whatever else is important to you. Until he is willing to do those things, I see no reason to have him as part of your life.

He did you a FAVOR by going with you to the amusement park?! OP, this is my first time posting (although I have read the thread over the last couple of days), and he sounds truly terrible. I am so glad you are rid of him! Just reading that you got rid of him is hugely satisfying - like popping a giant zit! Good luck, OP - no amount of financial contribution is worth this abuse and continuous belittling.

Sabrina55 wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted before, but working adults in the household generally should be 50/50 contributors. Whose kids are whose don't matter. This percentage can be changed if someone is making significantly more or less.

Now, if I had kids and was living with a fiancé who was not their father, I would expect to pay kid stuff like clothing, helath insurance, field trips, big Christmas presents, etc.

Which begs the question, was he one for buying gifts? Did he buy you things? Your kids?

That guy has some SERIOUS issues with money. I wonder what his childhood was like....

He bought me gifts for occasions, I bought all the gifts for the kids and put both our names on it. He bought them one gift each EVER, years ago and that was as a thank you for them helping rake one of his houses and he gave them a dollar for every bag they filled. I NEVER EVER expected him to pay for kids clothes, activities, health related stuff.

One of the sweetest things I can remember, our first Christmas together, my son brought his own money to school without even telling me and bought him Football Glasses of the team he likes, from the school fundraiser and surprised him with his own gift.

I think the issue is that there are kid-related expenses that you and your ex should be paying for, and non-kid-related expenses, like ALL THE HOUSEHOLD EXPENSES. He's acting like he doesn't have to do anything that might "stink" of your kids. "Hey, the kids breath the air in this house, I don't have to contribute to that!" It's repulsive.

Anonymous wrote:I posted before, but working adults in the household generally should be 50/50 contributors. Whose kids are whose don't matter. This percentage can be changed if someone is making significantly more or less.

Now, if I had kids and was living with a fiancé who was not their father, I would expect to pay kid stuff like clothing, helath insurance, field trips, big Christmas presents, etc.

Which begs the question, was he one for buying gifts? Did he buy you things? Your kids?

That guy has some SERIOUS issues with money. I wonder what his childhood was like....

He bought me gifts for occasions, I bought all the gifts for the kids and put both our names on it. He bought them one gift each EVER, years ago and that was as a thank you for them helping rake one of his houses and he gave them a dollar for every bag they filled. I NEVER EVER expected him to pay for kids clothes, activities, health related stuff.

I posted before, but working adults in the household generally should be 50/50 contributors. Whose kids are whose don't matter. This percentage can be changed if someone is making significantly more or less.

Now, if I had kids and was living with a fiancé who was not their father, I would expect to pay kid stuff like clothing, helath insurance, field trips, big Christmas presents, etc.

Which begs the question, was he one for buying gifts? Did he buy you things? Your kids?

That guy has some SERIOUS issues with money. I wonder what his childhood was like....

Anonymous wrote:Read your own post three times. Then realize that you already know what you need to do.

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