Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:18:58, are you saying that OP has no responsibility in tbis situation? She was having an affair witb a much older married man. There iz equal blame and responsibility. She chose to have a child even thoughhe made it perfectlly clear that he wanted nothing to do with the child. She has signed a confidentiality agreement. If OP has even the IQ in mid double digits, which I doubt, then she had legal counsel.
She made her bed and now she doesn't find it comfortable. Tough. He owes nothing to her or her unfortunate child.

Look, I am pro choice. But I am also anti abortion. I think all women have to make the decision for themselves and not have it imposed on them by someone else. But, it is not something I would do. No matter what the circumstances of conception, I actually respect and admire a woman who keeps a pregnancy despite all the self-serving reasons why she might want to abort instead. And to KEEP that child herself instead of washing her hands of it, putting the baby up for adoption?

We should be congratulating OP for taking the difficult path, not smearing her for accepting the consequences of her actions. The father must also accept the consequences of his choice to have sex outside of marriage. Including that a confidentiality agreement might not be enough to hide his sins.

I would admire the OP more if she actually held to her side of the bargain. She wanted the child, she's getting support and she's signed a confidentiality agreement. That's it. Now it seems like she's not cool with what she's agreed to and wants to stick it to this man by now forcing him to acknowledge her daughter's existence. Not cool.

Should the man's wife know about his affair? Damn straight. But forcing this guy to acknowledge the child is the wrong way to go about it and will cause resentment not some sudden wave of love for his bastard child.

If the guy is paying child support, he's fulfilling his obligation as a sperm donor (which he was essentially). He never signed on for being a father, so he didn't breach any agreement with her on that score. Parenting should be a mutual decision; not something someone can force on you.

It was mutual when he put his penis into her vagina. But for that act this all would not be possible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:18:58, are you saying that OP has no responsibility in tbis situation? She was having an affair witb a much older married man. There iz equal blame and responsibility. She chose to have a child even thoughhe made it perfectlly clear that he wanted nothing to do with the child. She has signed a confidentiality agreement. If OP has even the IQ in mid double digits, which I doubt, then she had legal counsel.
She made her bed and now she doesn't find it comfortable. Tough. He owes nothing to her or her unfortunate child.

Look, I am pro choice. But I am also anti abortion. I think all women have to make the decision for themselves and not have it imposed on them by someone else. But, it is not something I would do. No matter what the circumstances of conception, I actually respect and admire a woman who keeps a pregnancy despite all the self-serving reasons why she might want to abort instead. And to KEEP that child herself instead of washing her hands of it, putting the baby up for adoption?

We should be congratulating OP for taking the difficult path, not smearing her for accepting the consequences of her actions. The father must also accept the consequences of his choice to have sex outside of marriage. Including that a confidentiality agreement might not be enough to hide his sins.

I would admire the OP more if she actually held to her side of the bargain. She wanted the child, she's getting support and she's signed a confidentiality agreement. That's it. Now it seems like she's not cool with what she's agreed to and wants to stick it to this man by now forcing him to acknowledge her daughter's existence. Not cool.

Should the man's wife know about his affair? Damn straight. But forcing this guy to acknowledge the child is the wrong way to go about it and will cause resentment not some sudden wave of love for his bastard child.

If the guy is paying child support, he's fulfilling his obligation as a sperm donor (which he was essentially). He never signed on for being a father, so he didn't breach any agreement with her on that score. Parenting should be a mutual decision; not something someone can force on you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:18:58, are you saying that OP has no responsibility in tbis situation? She was having an affair witb a much older married man. There iz equal blame and responsibility. She chose to have a child even thoughhe made it perfectlly clear that he wanted nothing to do with the child. She has signed a confidentiality agreement. If OP has even the IQ in mid double digits, which I doubt, then she had legal counsel.
She made her bed and now she doesn't find it comfortable. Tough. He owes nothing to her or her unfortunate child.

OP is raising the child. I call that taking responsibility. What rock do you live under? If a person fathers a child, they are legally responsible to support that child until they reach the age of majority. The law presumes that it is best for the child if both parents have physical involvement AND provide support; unfortunately for the child the latter is all that can be mandated. Of course he owes his child something.

Yes, they do and as OP has stated, the father is paying support. Outside of that, he owes the child nothing. I'm so glad I'm not a man and am not at the mercy of a woman when it comes to whether or not I want a child of mine born into this world.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:18:58, are you saying that OP has no responsibility in tbis situation? She was having an affair witb a much older married man. There iz equal blame and responsibility. She chose to have a child even thoughhe made it perfectlly clear that he wanted nothing to do with the child. She has signed a confidentiality agreement. If OP has even the IQ in mid double digits, which I doubt, then she had legal counsel.
She made her bed and now she doesn't find it comfortable. Tough. He owes nothing to her or her unfortunate child.

Look, I am pro choice. But I am also anti abortion. I think all women have to make the decision for themselves and not have it imposed on them by someone else. But, it is not something I would do. No matter what the circumstances of conception, I actually respect and admire a woman who keeps a pregnancy despite all the self-serving reasons why she might want to abort instead. And to KEEP that child herself instead of washing her hands of it, putting the baby up for adoption?

We should be congratulating OP for taking the difficult path, not smearing her for accepting the consequences of her actions. The father must also accept the consequences of his choice to have sex outside of marriage. Including that a confidentiality agreement might not be enough to hide his sins.

Thank you for this. - OP

Anonymous wrote:18:58, are you saying that OP has no responsibility in tbis situation? She was having an affair witb a much older married man. There iz equal blame and responsibility. She chose to have a child even thoughhe made it perfectlly clear that he wanted nothing to do with the child. She has signed a confidentiality agreement. If OP has even the IQ in mid double digits, which I doubt, then she had legal counsel.
She made her bed and now she doesn't find it comfortable. Tough. He owes nothing to her or her unfortunate child.

Look, I am pro choice. But I am also anti abortion. I think all women have to make the decision for themselves and not have it imposed on them by someone else. But, it is not something I would do. No matter what the circumstances of conception, I actually respect and admire a woman who keeps a pregnancy despite all the self-serving reasons why she might want to abort instead. And to KEEP that child herself instead of washing her hands of it, putting the baby up for adoption?

We should be congratulating OP for taking the difficult path, not smearing her for accepting the consequences of her actions. The father must also accept the consequences of his choice to have sex outside of marriage. Including that a confidentiality agreement might not be enough to hide his sins.

Anonymous wrote:18:58, are you saying that OP has no responsibility in tbis situation? She was having an affair witb a much older married man. There iz equal blame and responsibility. She chose to have a child even thoughhe made it perfectlly clear that he wanted nothing to do with the child. She has signed a confidentiality agreement. If OP has even the IQ in mid double digits, which I doubt, then she had legal counsel.
She made her bed and now she doesn't find it comfortable. Tough. He owes nothing to her or her unfortunate child.

OP is raising the child. I call that taking responsibility. What rock do you live under? If a person fathers a child, they are legally responsible to support that child until they reach the age of majority. The law presumes that it is best for the child if both parents have physical involvement AND provide support; unfortunately for the child the latter is all that can be mandated. Of course he owes his child something.

18:58, are you saying that OP has no responsibility in tbis situation? She was having an affair witb a much older married man. There iz equal blame and responsibility. She chose to have a child even thoughhe made it perfectlly clear that he wanted nothing to do with the child. She has signed a confidentiality agreement. If OP has even the IQ in mid double digits, which I doubt, then she had legal counsel.
She made her bed and now she doesn't find it comfortable. Tough. He owes nothing to her or her unfortunate child.

Anonymous wrote:My one year old daughter was conceived as the result of an affair. Her father told his wife about the baby but does not want their three other (teenaged) children to find out and does not wish to be a part of her life (he's a pol - go figure). He wanted me to abort but I couldn't. I love her dearly and am happy to raise her on my own. My question is what do I tell her about her father? Anyone ever been in this situation or a similar one? I realize I have made some pretty grave mistakes but I want to minimize the damage. Any advice would be appreciated.

One of my best friends was in this sitaution , and in a smallish community. She married another man when the child was two, but was honest with the boy that his Dad was someone else as he was growing up. When he was a teen ager she told him the identity of his father , and the father lives up to his financial obligations. My friend worried taht her son may have had self-esteem issues due to the "shame" of it. But I think that was her worry, all moms worry. THe child grew up , and became a doctor, and is a hppy adult now.

I think keeping a secret, or lying and then having a child find out would be more hurtful in the long run, though you do have to stage the disclosure to age approp levels, imho.

Similarly, my child was conceived with help of anon donor sperm, and my child has always been told this since he began to ask at age two," when will I see my Dad again?" Until about age 5 or 6 he would tell anyone who asked that his mom used a sperm donor, then about age 6 he started to edit that to, "my Dad lives in Englan , and the rest is private" and only tell his closest friends. He knows that, if he wants when he is 18, he can look for the donor. That might have been a hard story to share all at one at age 10, but as he has grown up with it, and now has friends who's parents are divorced or dead, he rolls with it.

2054 you get a standing ovation!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mangled that quote, sorry. +1 was for the above poster, not the boob who thinks men who have unprotected sex shouldn't deal with the consequences.

Sorry, but if women have a choice post-conception, so should men.

Ridiculous. You might as well rail at God over simple biology.

Men make their choice at the point of ejaculation.

If men give possession of their sperm to a third party, that party can do WHATEVER THEY WANT with it. Including use it to make a human being. Society has a vested interest in making sure that such human beings have adults who are responsible for their upbringing. That is reality.

If you don't like it, don't leave your sperm laying around. People are so quick to say women "should just keep their damn legs closed". Why is it so difficult to adhere to the idea that men should keep their semen to themselves?

Women have a unique role with regard to the pregnancy. The get stuck with it, they risk their lives in it, they have to endure all the pain of it. They also have the right to end it, to govern what goes on inside their bodies. That's just biology. You don't like it, take it up with Mother Nature.

Personally I think we need to seriously consider criminalizing the distribution of sperm without a permit. (sarcasm)

You're confused, I'm a woman. But, I'm not so blinded by my femininity that I can't see when something is unfair.

Saying "it's biology, deal with it" is a faulty argument. Yes, we bear the brunt of the pregnancy, HOWEVER, we also make the decision to continue the pregnancy and face these possible consequences.

We will continue to disagree I'm sure, because I strongly believe that men should have a choice post-conception. Perhaps that would keep some women from using underhanded tricks to keep men when the relationship is fading (and yes it does happen).

If I date a guy and he gets me pregnant and makes it clear he won't be involved, I'd either terminate the pregnancy or continue and never have any dealings with him again (aside from him signing papers giving up his rights to the child).

I would keep his information so that my child can make a choice on whether or not to contact him at 18, but I would look on him as a parent who gave their child away for adoption.

Nope, I reject what you are saying. Men know what happens if sperm meets egg, and ALL the risks that entails, including child support. Don't bang her or wrap it up, simple.

You guys have nothing up on Papua New Guinea and witch-burning. It seems that most of the people on this thread are either men who feel they should be able to fuck without consequences and women who are either terrified of their husbands doing this or need to feel self-righteous about their choices. Very little compassion. For those of you who lead SPOTLESS lives, and in your spare time work hard to care for others, then cast a stone, otherwise, STFU.

To OP, I would be sure to establish your legal rights, including some sort of guarantee of support for college. For the moment, you don't need to tell your daughter anything. and then age appropriate discussions. For all you know, you will get remarried and your daughter will have a father figure who cares very much about her.

The issue of abandonment is serious, however. Maybe you can establish visitation with the father, one afternoon a week. You don't blow his perfect family cover and don't threaten his facade of a marriage, in return for him spending a few supervised hours every week with his daughter. See how it goes?

fwiw, I have a friend who discovered his dad had a child from an outside relationship only in his late 20s, after his dad died. It was totally messed up, on all sides. I'm not sure what a better process would have been, but keeping dark secrets rarely works out well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mangled that quote, sorry. +1 was for the above poster, not the boob who thinks men who have unprotected sex shouldn't deal with the consequences.

Sorry, but if women have a choice post-conception, so should men.

Ridiculous. You might as well rail at God over simple biology.

Men make their choice at the point of ejaculation.

If men give possession of their sperm to a third party, that party can do WHATEVER THEY WANT with it. Including use it to make a human being. Society has a vested interest in making sure that such human beings have adults who are responsible for their upbringing. That is reality.

If you don't like it, don't leave your sperm laying around. People are so quick to say women "should just keep their damn legs closed". Why is it so difficult to adhere to the idea that men should keep their semen to themselves?

Women have a unique role with regard to the pregnancy. The get stuck with it, they risk their lives in it, they have to endure all the pain of it. They also have the right to end it, to govern what goes on inside their bodies. That's just biology. You don't like it, take it up with Mother Nature.

Personally I think we need to seriously consider criminalizing the distribution of sperm without a permit. (sarcasm)

You're confused, I'm a woman. But, I'm not so blinded by my femininity that I can't see when something is unfair.

Saying "it's biology, deal with it" is a faulty argument. Yes, we bear the brunt of the pregnancy, HOWEVER, we also make the decision to continue the pregnancy and face these possible consequences.

We will continue to disagree I'm sure, because I strongly believe that men should have a choice post-conception. Perhaps that would keep some women from using underhanded tricks to keep men when the relationship is fading (and yes it does happen).

If I date a guy and he gets me pregnant and makes it clear he won't be involved, I'd either terminate the pregnancy or continue and never have any dealings with him again (aside from him signing papers giving up his rights to the child).

I would keep his information so that my child can make a choice on whether or not to contact him at 18, but I would look on him as a parent who gave their child away for adoption.

I don't think anyone said it is biology deal with it- but as a women I am terrified by your line thinking here. BIOLOGY is a big part of this decision- a women choosing to continue with a pregnancy or to terminate would hopefully involve the would be father in most cases. But it sounds like you would like to set a precedent where a women could be forced to carry a child by a man...I really don't want to get into an abortion debate but just as you believe that women trap and control men with pregnancies, there are very real outcomes where the reverse is true and taking away women's rights in this matter is dangerous.

If you really want to give the bio-dad rights post conception/ pre-birth, where do you draw the line? What if a rapist doesn't want the mother to abort the product of his rape or what if she wants to keep the baby, and he doesn't? Does he get a say in what she does with her body/her womb after he already violated her once? Would you let him violate her again because god just isn't playing fair?

The only decent thing John Edwards has done in recent years is that he has not married his slut.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mangled that quote, sorry. +1 was for the above poster, not the boob who thinks men who have unprotected sex shouldn't deal with the consequences.

Sorry, but if women have a choice post-conception, so should men.

Ridiculous. You might as well rail at God over simple biology.

Men make their choice at the point of ejaculation.

If men give possession of their sperm to a third party, that party can do WHATEVER THEY WANT with it. Including use it to make a human being. Society has a vested interest in making sure that such human beings have adults who are responsible for their upbringing. That is reality.

If you don't like it, don't leave your sperm laying around. People are so quick to say women "should just keep their damn legs closed". Why is it so difficult to adhere to the idea that men should keep their semen to themselves?

Women have a unique role with regard to the pregnancy. The get stuck with it, they risk their lives in it, they have to endure all the pain of it. They also have the right to end it, to govern what goes on inside their bodies. That's just biology. You don't like it, take it up with Mother Nature.

Personally I think we need to seriously consider criminalizing the distribution of sperm without a permit. (sarcasm)

You're confused, I'm a woman. But, I'm not so blinded by my femininity that I can't see when something is unfair.

Saying "it's biology, deal with it" is a faulty argument. Yes, we bear the brunt of the pregnancy, HOWEVER, we also make the decision to continue the pregnancy and face these possible consequences.

We will continue to disagree I'm sure, because I strongly believe that men should have a choice post-conception. Perhaps that would keep some women from using underhanded tricks to keep men when the relationship is fading (and yes it does happen).

If I date a guy and he gets me pregnant and makes it clear he won't be involved, I'd either terminate the pregnancy or continue and never have any dealings with him again (aside from him signing papers giving up his rights to the child).

I would keep his information so that my child can make a choice on whether or not to contact him at 18, but I would look on him as a parent who gave their child away for adoption.

Anonymous wrote:No, in this day and age, men should have a say. OP, most likely, received his sperm joyfully because she thought she had him by his balls and he would get a divorce and marry her. Shades of Rielle Hunter.

This man is much older than OP so she can safely tell this child that her father is dead. Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to decieve.

Yes you're right turned out poorly for Ms Hunter didn't it... Oops wait he didn't have to divorce the wife.