Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Are we just passionate people, two "high drives" lucky enough to find each other? I'm sure our temperaments are part of it. But what is much more important, what is MOST important, is that we know what sex means: its purpose, its message, its profundity.
If you don't know what sex is all about, you're going to miss the mark, sometimes badly. You wouldn't put sand in your gas tank, and similarly disastrous consequences follow from misunderstanding how sex works and why it is designed the way it is.
What does sex mean to you, OP? What is its purpose? Apologies in advance if you've already shared this, but I need to know where you are coming from to try to help you get where you want to go.

Sex is feeling that I still have a place in this marriage besides the 2 kids. Sex is a release and I'm horny. Sex is me pleasing DW and watching her lose herself. Sex is connecting DW and I since there is no us time anymore with 2 kids. Sex (happening) means that I did not just suffer yet another rejection again.

Hi, OP. Me again. Can you explain something to me? Why do men feel personally rejected when we don't want sex? I can't speak for your wife, but in my case there is NO ONE that I would go for when I don't want it. Like, George Clooney could be naked in my bedroom and I'd be all "George, go the fuck home." For me, I had the hardest time convincing DH that it's not that I don't want sex with YOU, it's that I just don't want sex right now, period. It seems like you guys really internalize this as a self esteem thing. Maybe HD women feel the same way, IDK.

In part, I think it has to do with the different attitudes about sex between the genders. At least stereotypically, a woman could walk into a bar, announce "I want to have sex with a man" and have some takers. For a guy to get laid, generally the woman has to think he's something special. (Not always how it works in practice, of course). When a woman starts having sex with you regularly and marries you, she's showing you, "Hey, I think you're something special." When she stops having sex with her DH, the message is, "I no longer think you're something special" (sometimes with an extra helping of, "but keep helping with the finances and children anyway.")

Interesting. I'll have to ask DH about that. It's not our intent, you know? Really, it isn't. Most of us anyway. It wasn't for me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
For Pete's sake OP, if you are willing to do things with her that she enjoys, all I am saying is make some effort. Hire a babysitter and make some plans I feel like a broken record but really, go read 12:02 again. They were so right. She wants to know that you are still interested in her in many ways beyond sex. Pregnancy, childbirth and becoming a mother throws so many of us for a loop. You are hormonal, sleep-deprived, and your whole sense of yourself - physically and otherwise - is completely rocked. Tell her that you miss her and that you want to spend time together. You can't expect that planning one date will mean she's raring to go but if you make an honest, genuine effort to bridge the gap and see things from her point of view, you will begin to rebuild the closeness necessary for wanting sex. Trust me - I could be your wife. I actually kind of feel like I'm rehashing old arguments with my DH.

I'm not the OP, but as a woman I just want to say, I resent the fact that you are a loud voice representing women. You are the nagging, ME, ME, ME voice that make men resent women. Ugh! So needy. It's exahusting just to read your posts, I can't even imagine what it's like to be a husband to one of you. Always having to make you feel special everytime you want to have sex. Always having to "spend time together" - guess what, your married, you DO spend time together. All the time.

Sometimes as a wife, you have to make your husband feel good. How many times do you do that? How many times have YOU done something for him? All I see from your posts are, what are you doing for her? How do you help her? WIFE! MOTHER! WOMEN! Isn't marriage a partnership? Isn't it about give and take? All I see from you is take and no give. When was the last time you really did something for your husband.

Typical of the needy wife. All about the "what have you done for me lately" but nothing about the give and take that truely defines how to make a successful marriage work.

Did you miss the part where I mentioned all of the times I had planned evenings out for us and arranged babysitting? Often to do things I expressly know DH enjoys? Or is making my husband feel special just about giving him regular BJ's in your esteemed opinion?

You don't know shit about me, bitch, and you are one to point fingers at me about being THAT type of woman.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Are we just passionate people, two "high drives" lucky enough to find each other? I'm sure our temperaments are part of it. But what is much more important, what is MOST important, is that we know what sex means: its purpose, its message, its profundity.
If you don't know what sex is all about, you're going to miss the mark, sometimes badly. You wouldn't put sand in your gas tank, and similarly disastrous consequences follow from misunderstanding how sex works and why it is designed the way it is.
What does sex mean to you, OP? What is its purpose? Apologies in advance if you've already shared this, but I need to know where you are coming from to try to help you get where you want to go.

Sex is feeling that I still have a place in this marriage besides the 2 kids. Sex is a release and I'm horny. Sex is me pleasing DW and watching her lose herself. Sex is connecting DW and I since there is no us time anymore with 2 kids. Sex (happening) means that I did not just suffer yet another rejection again.

Hi, OP. Me again. Can you explain something to me? Why do men feel personally rejected when we don't want sex? I can't speak for your wife, but in my case there is NO ONE that I would go for when I don't want it. Like, George Clooney could be naked in my bedroom and I'd be all "George, go the fuck home." For me, I had the hardest time convincing DH that it's not that I don't want sex with YOU, it's that I just don't want sex right now, period. It seems like you guys really internalize this as a self esteem thing. Maybe HD women feel the same way, IDK.

In part, I think it has to do with the different attitudes about sex between the genders. At least stereotypically, a woman could walk into a bar, announce "I want to have sex with a man" and have some takers. For a guy to get laid, generally the woman has to think he's something special. (Not always how it works in practice, of course). When a woman starts having sex with you regularly and marries you, she's showing you, "Hey, I think you're something special." When she stops having sex with her DH, the message is, "I no longer think you're something special" (sometimes with an extra helping of, "but keep helping with the finances and children anyway.")

Anonymous wrote:
For Pete's sake OP, if you are willing to do things with her that she enjoys, all I am saying is make some effort. Hire a babysitter and make some plans I feel like a broken record but really, go read 12:02 again. They were so right. She wants to know that you are still interested in her in many ways beyond sex. Pregnancy, childbirth and becoming a mother throws so many of us for a loop. You are hormonal, sleep-deprived, and your whole sense of yourself - physically and otherwise - is completely rocked. Tell her that you miss her and that you want to spend time together. You can't expect that planning one date will mean she's raring to go but if you make an honest, genuine effort to bridge the gap and see things from her point of view, you will begin to rebuild the closeness necessary for wanting sex. Trust me - I could be your wife. I actually kind of feel like I'm rehashing old arguments with my DH.

I'm not the OP, but as a woman I just want to say, I resent the fact that you are a loud voice representing women. You are the nagging, ME, ME, ME voice that make men resent women. Ugh! So needy. It's exahusting just to read your posts, I can't even imagine what it's like to be a husband to one of you. Always having to make you feel special everytime you want to have sex. Always having to "spend time together" - guess what, your married, you DO spend time together. All the time.

Sometimes as a wife, you have to make your husband feel good. How many times do you do that? How many times have YOU done something for him? All I see from your posts are, what are you doing for her? How do you help her? WIFE! MOTHER! WOMEN! Isn't marriage a partnership? Isn't it about give and take? All I see from you is take and no give. When was the last time you really did something for your husband.

Typical of the needy wife. All about the "what have you done for me lately" but nothing about the give and take that truely defines how to make a successful marriage work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Are we just passionate people, two "high drives" lucky enough to find each other? I'm sure our temperaments are part of it. But what is much more important, what is MOST important, is that we know what sex means: its purpose, its message, its profundity.
If you don't know what sex is all about, you're going to miss the mark, sometimes badly. You wouldn't put sand in your gas tank, and similarly disastrous consequences follow from misunderstanding how sex works and why it is designed the way it is.
What does sex mean to you, OP? What is its purpose? Apologies in advance if you've already shared this, but I need to know where you are coming from to try to help you get where you want to go.

Sex is feeling that I still have a place in this marriage besides the 2 kids. Sex is a release and I'm horny. Sex is me pleasing DW and watching her lose herself. Sex is connecting DW and I since there is no us time anymore with 2 kids. Sex (happening) means that I did not just suffer yet another rejection again.

Hi, OP. Me again. Can you explain something to me? Why do men feel personally rejected when we don't want sex? I can't speak for your wife, but in my case there is NO ONE that I would go for when I don't want it. Like, George Clooney could be naked in my bedroom and I'd be all "George, go the fuck home." For me, I had the hardest time convincing DH that it's not that I don't want sex with YOU, it's that I just don't want sex right now, period. It seems like you guys really internalize this as a self esteem thing. Maybe HD women feel the same way, IDK.

Anonymous wrote:
Are we just passionate people, two "high drives" lucky enough to find each other? I'm sure our temperaments are part of it. But what is much more important, what is MOST important, is that we know what sex means: its purpose, its message, its profundity.
If you don't know what sex is all about, you're going to miss the mark, sometimes badly. You wouldn't put sand in your gas tank, and similarly disastrous consequences follow from misunderstanding how sex works and why it is designed the way it is.
What does sex mean to you, OP? What is its purpose? Apologies in advance if you've already shared this, but I need to know where you are coming from to try to help you get where you want to go.

Sex is feeling that I still have a place in this marriage besides the 2 kids. Sex is a release and I'm horny. Sex is me pleasing DW and watching her lose herself. Sex is connecting DW and I since there is no us time anymore with 2 kids. Sex (happening) means that I did not just suffer yet another rejection again.

Anonymous wrote:I have to admit, I haven't figured out the timing of initiation thing. She won't have sex when the kids are awake (and I'm not that keen on it then either). She likes her sleep in the morning, so waking up early is right out.

So, best case scenario, there is maybe a 2 hour window on a given night. But, often enough, DW is asleep on the couch before the kids are finished noodling around up in bed and nod off.

Sometimes it can be tough to get the stars to align just right so that I'm in a good mood, she's in a good mood, and there is enough time between kids going down and DW falling asleep. (And that's assuming she wouldn't just prefer to catch up on her reading on those particular nights.)

Yep, this was us. We have one in preschool and have already discussed that we will likely return here once we have #2. Managed expectations are a good thing.

What time are your kids asleep at night? Do you have anyone who can take them for a few hours on a weekend? Or can your parents take them for a whole weekend so you can get away? We are renting a hotel room during our visit home for the holidays and leaving the kid with grandma. I mean, we have worked really, really hard to come up with time - it ain't easy.

OP, I did not read everything, but NP here to add my little sexless marriage manifesto:

I've been married longer then most people on DCUM, have about five times as many kids and live on a tiny fraction of the average HHI. My days are full to overflowing and stresses are constant,

But my husband and I make love almost every day. We sleep naked together every night. We take showers together, hold hands always, kiss hello and goodbye, and are passionate lovers. His body is a feast to my senses and my soul, and there is nothing hotter for either of us than giving the other pleasure. We have been lovers since we were teenagers, and it only keeps getting better and better. The best part of every day is our sex.

Are we just passionate people, two "high drives" lucky enough to find each other? I'm sure our temperaments are part of it. But what is much more important, what is MOST important, is that we know what sex means: its purpose, its message, its profundity.

If you don't know what sex is all about, you're going to miss the mark, sometimes badly. You wouldn't put sand in your gas tank, and similarly disastrous consequences follow from misunderstanding how sex works and why it is designed the way it is.

What does sex mean to you, OP? What is its purpose? Apologies in advance if you've already shared this, but I need to know where you are coming from to try to help you get where you want to go.

I have to admit, I haven't figured out the timing of initiation thing. She won't have sex when the kids are awake (and I'm not that keen on it then either). She likes her sleep in the morning, so waking up early is right out.

So, best case scenario, there is maybe a 2 hour window on a given night. But, often enough, DW is asleep on the couch before the kids are finished noodling around up in bed and nod off.

Sometimes it can be tough to get the stars to align just right so that I'm in a good mood, she's in a good mood, and there is enough time between kids going down and DW falling asleep. (And that's assuming she wouldn't just prefer to catch up on her reading on those particular nights.)

BTW, I'll apologize for calling you an ass. You're not sounding so ass-y now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[quot
Good - I didn't think so. So my response wasn't really directed at you.

For Pete's sake OP, if you are willing to do things with her that she enjoys, all I am saying is make some effort. Hire a babysitter and make some plans I feel like a broken record but really, go read 12:02 again. They were so right. She wants to know that you are still interested in her in many ways beyond sex. Pregnancy, childbirth and becoming a mother throws so many of us for a loop. You are hormonal, sleep-deprived, and your whole sense of yourself - physically and otherwise - is completely rocked. Tell her that you miss her and that you want to spend time together. You can't expect that planning one date will mean she's raring to go but if you make an honest, genuine effort to bridge the gap and see things from her point of view, you will begin to rebuild the closeness necessary for wanting sex. Trust me - I could be your wife. I actually kind of feel like I'm rehashing old arguments with my DH.

OP here. How long a period were you "off" sex? I've been living this for 6 years now. Sex for DW has not been on the high priority list.

Three years? It's gotten better now, but DH is meeting me halfway now. I'm sorry it's been so long for you. Please consider that 1.5 years of that have been pregnancy and probably another year just straight up recovery/newborn stage. The rest in-between I can't speak to. As for me, it was a combination of so many stressors (both child related and not) plus being made to feel guilty, not feeling like DH was hearing my POV or attempting to understand my feelings, and being resentful that I felt I was the only one who cared about carving out time for us that wasn't dedicated to sex. All of that has gotten so much better now, thank God. In the end, DH has had to lower his expectations for frequency and I've had to concede that I will have to commit to more. But I no longer feel like sex is some pressured thing that is expected of me, and DH is getting smarter about knowing when to initiate (yes, he still does most of that, I'll admit). I'm also trying to make more of an effort not to go to bed looking like I got run over by a truck. And he's taking on more responsibility for making sure we have QT together. It's working.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Nope not a psycho. My relationship is actually very good now but the points I have posted here are all things I've had to recently hash out. If you people can't take it - trust me, these are the things your spouses are thinking/feeling - too bad. The truth hurts. LD spouses are not all mean evil people. In my own relationship and in several of my friends' it was/is the HD spouse who just refuses to see things from our perspective. The more you dig YOUR heels in, the more you drive us away. When you are willing to accept that things have changed and work together on a new normal, it works out.

You have a habit of mixing valid points with off-putting, unnecessary jabs that make me want to disregard those points. I've highlighted a couple.

Then disregard them. Your choice.