Bump

"OK, that's fucked up. How much of the child raising and household management have your affair partners done? It's one thing to get sex outside of a sexless marriage, but this is just being childish. You need a nanny hon, not a lover. "

Sorry not to be clear. H's laziness over the house and kids caused tremendous resentment, and the affair was a release valve for the resentment.

I'm one of those attractive mid 30s women in a sexless marriage who would give anything to have sex with my DH again. I certainly contributed. It's simple, and so complicated.

Sex was easy at first, all those hormones, and you are so much less vulnerable in your 20s with not much history with each other. Then things started getting complicated. We were too shy to speak up about what we wanted. In my defense I had no idea what the fuck I wanted in my 20s. I was on the pill and my libido wasn't that high. Loved it once we got started but didn't think about it much otherwise, and that caused problems. I never refused it but my lack of initiation completely destroyed DH. But instead of communicating about it, he pulled something really passive aggressive and immature (punished me for it and withheld) and I don't believe we've ever recovered from that.

Now that I've had a child (pregnancy, childbirth, and BFing are completely empowering) and understand my body so much more, take care of my body and myself, built and advanced my career, figured out more who I am, and who I want to strive to be, and am just a much more confident, stronger woman, I have lost so many inhibitions, am so much more interested in sex, have a crazy libido, and am ready to give myself to him unselfishly, it may be too late. And of course, I'm only one half, he has acted so selfishly and hurt me so much. But he is learning too. And neither of us did it intentionally, we let our insecurities and fears get in the way. In all honesty I don't think our story is all that uncommon. I think we took it a bit farther but I've done a lot of reading on this and I think a lot of couples, even if they aren't in sexless marriages, are not communicating, are holding back, are unintentionally hurting each other and certainly themselves.

Please talk to your wives. Please go to counseling. If only we had started earlier. My only saving grace is that I know going through this is making me a stronger, better person. I can't really say I have regrets, because it was who I was and he who he was. We just need to learn from our mistakes. I have a lot of hope for the future. If he decides he can never be sexual with me again, we will divorce and at least I have a chance of being that woman at the bar a PP described. Like the PP who just wants to touch a woman, I just want a man to look at me with desire again. Make me feel, for a few minutes, that I'm the only woman in the world to him. Like DH did years ago.

The light at the end of the tunnel is that at some point in the future, I will either be in a marriage with a healthier sex life with DH (ideal outcome) or I will be divorced and out of a sexless marriage and have a chance at real intimacy and unselfish love with someone else. I've learned so much and like the PP, think I could make a good partner to someone.

It doesn't take 2 to destroy it, 1 is enough for that. Sometimes 1 can be enough to save it but more likely that takes 2. Unhappy people, take some responsibility and speak up. I think it's the lack of ability to even communicate honestly that is more fundamental than sex even. What is the old line about unconsciously bringing about what your fear most? If you say something and they say no, I don't want to work on things or even try, then you know where you stand. To think that only you have the power to change the status quo is an illusion. If you are miserable your spouse probably isn't all that happy either.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have any of you said, listen, we need to work on this marriage or end it? It's the passive resentment building on the one side and on the other the checked out spouse thinkng it's status quo that causes divorce. I think a lot of these spouses if told, listen, I made an appt for a counselor or a sex therapist or whatever and we need to work on things or it's done, would wake up and try to improve things. As I understand it, in divorce, the leaver has decided years ago that the situation is done, and the left thinks that they are both at least tolerating the current deal. The left often is jolted into wanting to save the marriage, while the left has been done for years and what may have been seen as depression was grieving leaving the kids for the final year. Take some responsibility and speak up before more time passes. Not asking for sex but saying, this no disconnect on so many levels needs to change. Let's go on a vacation, just us. Then let's try counseling when we are back. That, not sublimating or being a martyr, is acting in the best interests of your kids.

+1

As one that was recently jolted in to wanting to save a relationship, it was a real eye opener. I had to humble myself, set my pride aside, and step up. DH and I are working on things and they are going well, so far. But a marriage doesn't fail all on it's own, it takes two to make it work, it takes two to destroy it.

I jolted DW with this one and was at the point, and told her, that I had found a divorce lawyer and was willing to pull the switch. We are doing a lot better and on my side, have also learned some things about her and myself. I had checked out a long time before because we became the stereotypical married couple living as roommates. Looked down the road and saw more of the same coming and enough was enough. Are we going to wind up with a satisfying marriage that is fullfilling to both partners? I cannot answer with certainty and for all I know we might find out that it just isn't going to work. pp, I wish you the best. It isn't easy whether you are the jolter or joltee.

Anonymous wrote:Have any of you said, listen, we need to work on this marriage or end it? It's the passive resentment building on the one side and on the other the checked out spouse thinkng it's status quo that causes divorce. I think a lot of these spouses if told, listen, I made an appt for a counselor or a sex therapist or whatever and we need to work on things or it's done, would wake up and try to improve things. As I understand it, in divorce, the leaver has decided years ago that the situation is done, and the left thinks that they are both at least tolerating the current deal. The left often is jolted into wanting to save the marriage, while the left has been done for years and what may have been seen as depression was grieving leaving the kids for the final year. Take some responsibility and speak up before more time passes. Not asking for sex but saying, this no disconnect on so many levels needs to change. Let's go on a vacation, just us. Then let's try counseling when we are back. That, not sublimating or being a martyr, is acting in the best interests of your kids.

+1

As one that was recently jolted in to wanting to save a relationship, it was a real eye opener. I had to humble myself, set my pride aside, and step up. DH and I are working on things and they are going well, so far. But a marriage doesn't fail all on it's own, it takes two to make it work, it takes two to destroy it.

Oops, that should be "leaver has been done for years".

Have any of you said, listen, we need to work on this marriage or end it? It's the passive resentment building on the one side and on the other the checked out spouse thinkng it's status quo that causes divorce. I think a lot of these spouses if told, listen, I made an appt for a counselor or a sex therapist or whatever and we need to work on things or it's done, would wake up and try to improve things. As I understand it, in divorce, the leaver has decided years ago that the situation is done, and the left thinks that they are both at least tolerating the current deal. The left often is jolted into wanting to save the marriage, while the left has been done for years and what may have been seen as depression was grieving leaving the kids for the final year. Take some responsibility and speak up before more time passes. Not asking for sex but saying, this no disconnect on so many levels needs to change. Let's go on a vacation, just us. Then let's try counseling when we are back. That, not sublimating or being a martyr, is acting in the best interests of your kids.