Anonymous
03/14/2012 11:31
Subject: Re:Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
Your husband should defer to your wishes. He has no idea what your body has to go through and his role should be to support you and the baby. He really is not in any reasonable position to "veto" anything. Perhaps you can get your doctor involved and instruct him about what your body /mind goes through post birth. Maybe you can go stay with your mom!
Anonymous
02/04/2012 22:26
Subject: Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
I am not surprised at all that OP hasn't written. She was probably scared off by the snarks on this thread.
Anonymous
02/04/2012 18:46
Subject: Re:Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
DO NOT LET YOUR ILS come the first couple of weeks. I did and it was really the beginning of the end. I freaked out at my unreasonable husband and his parents and they are mad till this day. They had three older daughters than my husband and this was their ninth grandchild. This was my parent's first grandchild. They didn't care. They were SELFISH as are your in-laws.
Anonymous
02/02/2012 21:59
Subject: Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
OP, I just wanted to say I felt the same way when I had my babies. I did not want my MIL or my FIL to stay at our house. I was hurting, stressed, dripping milk constantly and just basically trying to figure it all out and get settled.
The last thing I wanted was my inlaws in my face.
The last thing I wanted was my inlaws in my face.
Anonymous
02/01/2012 18:11
Subject: Re:Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
Anonymous wrote:OP, I know you want your mom there, but I think it's also very important that you and DH learn how to handle your baby by yourselves a bit as well. It sounds like your husband's issue is that your mom gets to spend the night and his mom has to stay in a hotel. I would ask him how he felt about NO parental sleepovers - your parents at their house and his parents in a hotel or at your parents' house or something. That way you guys get some down time and alone time and all the grandparents are included in the new baby and maybe get to bond together as a grandparently unit over dinner or something when you kick them out to wander around topless. (For the record, I never did that once we came home. You might, but you might not. I would not use "but your dad will see my nipples" as a reason his parents cannot stay over, lest it backfire and he hold it over your head for the rest of your lives.)
After my daughter was born, I wanted my mom around, but mostly, I wanted to learn how to parent with my husband. Those nights we were up together when she was just a few days old were very, very special and I'm glad that mostly, it was just us. I think that during this time, you two should be turning to each other, not to your parents. If the parents all sleep somewhere else, they will still get plenty of time during the day (and you can take a shower! glorious!). Try to reframe the conversation not as a competition between grandparents but as a special time of bonding for a new family unit, with doting relatives looking on from the sidelines.
This is my advice -- you really will need some time that is just for you, your husband and baby. You are both becoming parents and you should have some time to yourselves as a family. If your mom is local she will see the baby a lot and has a place to stay at night. Have her come over all day or whatever. Tell the in laws to get a hotel and come over during the day. Do not feel like you have to feed and/or host anyone. They are all adults and can take care of themselves while you heal and nurse. You will probably find that your MIL, and for that matter, your mother, does not remember how difficult the first few days/weeks are. I think we are wired to forget actually. So they need to be there to help you, and that means understanding if you need time alone. I found the post-partum period to be incredibly stressful and difficult, and was in no shape to be dealing with people staying at my house.
Anonymous
01/28/2012 08:20
Subject: Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
His parents sound clueless and selfish. Don't they know how hard having a baby is in general and on a marriage? Also not clear is why DH didn't ask you what you wanted.
Here's a suggestion:
Tell DH that you absolutely need to decide who can visit and you can only do that after the baby is here because the decision has to be based on how you are doing. Tell DH that if feeding is going well, and you did not have a C, they can come for a weekend but they may have to stay in a hotel.
This is a very important moment in your marriage. You and DH need to work as a team. It's also hard because for the first time neither of you "gets" what the other is going through. DH is not pregnant. DH will not breastfeed. There's an experiential gulf here.
A situation like this destroyed my marriage. My ex-husband insisted on in-laws visiting for weeks and I cried and cried and we fought all the time and we never rebounded. Watch it.
Here's a suggestion:
Tell DH that you absolutely need to decide who can visit and you can only do that after the baby is here because the decision has to be based on how you are doing. Tell DH that if feeding is going well, and you did not have a C, they can come for a weekend but they may have to stay in a hotel.
This is a very important moment in your marriage. You and DH need to work as a team. It's also hard because for the first time neither of you "gets" what the other is going through. DH is not pregnant. DH will not breastfeed. There's an experiential gulf here.
A situation like this destroyed my marriage. My ex-husband insisted on in-laws visiting for weeks and I cried and cried and we fought all the time and we never rebounded. Watch it.
Anonymous
01/27/2012 22:53
Subject: Re:Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
Your DH is being a jerk but it also sounds like you pushed him out on the limb by over-reacting. Tell DH that the easiest way to settle it is to have no one come stay with you. Ask your Mom to stay in her own home but to come over early, say around 7 and stay throughout the day. If your inlaws decide to still come, they can stay in a hotel. Start thinking of a list of things for them to do each day that will be "helpful" to you and your husband so you can get them out of your hair for a while each day.
Anonymous
01/27/2012 20:56
Subject: Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
We told both my parents and inlaws that we wanted no visits while we figured out what we were doing. On day 3 we called and said, OK, you can come visit now. They came for brief visits and left and did not stay with us. It was GREAT! They seemed to understand. I was SO relieved not to deal with anyone but DH...I was leaking milk and bleeding and in pain from stitches and sleep deprived, etc. etc. etc. I spent most of the time naked in bed with the kiddo.
I hope you and your DH can come to some compromise. Not having any one stay over seems to make a lot of sense. If you share with him all the goodies about the postpartum period and he still wants to have the in laws stay over your objections, well, then, I really feel for you...because that would indicate some real problems, IMHO....
I hope you and your DH can come to some compromise. Not having any one stay over seems to make a lot of sense. If you share with him all the goodies about the postpartum period and he still wants to have the in laws stay over your objections, well, then, I really feel for you...because that would indicate some real problems, IMHO....
Anonymous
01/27/2012 20:24
Subject: Re:Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
Any updates from OP?