Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please know that we are rooting for you and your STBX. Some of the PPs may seem harsh, but they just want you to approach this with caution and clarity.

You seem to be counting in best case scenario with future events( housing, caregiver job, inheritance), while your spouse is counting on worst case scenario ( his business does not pick up again), and this is making you feel you can afford to give him more than he would give you if the roles were reserved.

It's great that you want to make sure he is taken care of. But he doesn't seem to reciprocate that feeling. Perhaps he too is optimistic about your position with the relative, so he thinks you will be fine either way.

How about this: get the maximum you get under the law and then if your family comes through with the job and the inheritance and you feel like your STBX could use some help, help him out financially over the years.

I have a friend who takes care of her ex. They split their joint assets down the middle, but she makes a lot of money in her law firm while he is retired. So she pays for his apartment and monthly expenses even though she has full custody of their child. It would have been foolish for her to give him all the assets based on the assumption that her firm will flourish. What if the firm had failed? She'd be left with nothing and starting from scratch in her late 40s.

And OP can put provisions in the agreement like, if his income falls below X then they can reduce her spousal support by Y. They can have a "what if his business doesn't do well" clause.

Anonymous wrote:OP, please know that we are rooting for you and your STBX. Some of the PPs may seem harsh, but they just want you to approach this with caution and clarity.

You seem to be counting in best case scenario with future events( housing, caregiver job, inheritance), while your spouse is counting on worst case scenario ( his business does not pick up again), and this is making you feel you can afford to give him more than he would give you if the roles were reserved.

It's great that you want to make sure he is taken care of. But he doesn't seem to reciprocate that feeling. Perhaps he too is optimistic about your position with the relative, so he thinks you will be fine either way.

How about this: get the maximum you get under the law and then if your family comes through with the job and the inheritance and you feel like your STBX could use some help, help him out financially over the years.

I have a friend who takes care of her ex. They split their joint assets down the middle, but she makes a lot of money in her law firm while he is retired. So she pays for his apartment and monthly expenses even though she has full custody of their child. It would have been foolish for her to give him all the assets based on the assumption that her firm will flourish. What if the firm had failed? She'd be left with nothing and starting from scratch in her late 40s.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP started this thread as a decent person.... after listening to DCUM bitter women, OP will leave as a different person.

She started this thread as a decent person who was about to be divorced and homeless...

She could always, you know, honor her vows and not abandon her husband.

Back to this question: OP, why are you leaving this guy? You seem to like him.

OP here. I respect him as an honest person and a devoted father, but I am leaving because of ongoing emotional abuse/anger issues.

Someone else asked if I cheated: No, I never did. But I'm acutely aware that I am now more than halfway through my life, and I'd like to try and find happiness with someone else while I'm still reasonably attractive and fit.

This is a horrible reason to divorce. It is very unlikely you will find a new partner. (I am divorced but it was a horrible marriage from day 1 and I divorced because being alone FOREVER was better than staying married...that is the only scenario that should be considered. Not a pipedream that you will find someone else.)

OP here - I did finally reach the point where I was okay with being alone, and that was when I was finally ready to initiate the divorce. I did not have an affair, as some people are suggesting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP started this thread as a decent person.... after listening to DCUM bitter women, OP will leave as a different person.

She started this thread as a decent person who was about to be divorced and homeless...

She could always, you know, honor her vows and not abandon her husband.

Back to this question: OP, why are you leaving this guy? You seem to like him.

OP here. I respect him as an honest person and a devoted father, but I am leaving because of ongoing emotional abuse/anger issues.

Someone else asked if I cheated: No, I never did. But I'm acutely aware that I am now more than halfway through my life, and I'd like to try and find happiness with someone else while I'm still reasonably attractive and fit.

This is a horrible reason to divorce. It is very unlikely you will find a new partner. (I am divorced but it was a horrible marriage from day 1 and I divorced because being alone FOREVER was better than staying married...that is the only scenario that should be considered. Not a pipedream that you will find someone else.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP started this thread as a decent person.... after listening to DCUM bitter women, OP will leave as a different person.

She started this thread as a decent person who was about to be divorced and homeless...

She could always, you know, honor her vows and not abandon her husband.

Back to this question: OP, why are you leaving this guy? You seem to like him.

OP here. I respect him as an honest person and a devoted father, but I am leaving because of ongoing emotional abuse/anger issues.

Someone else asked if I cheated: No, I never did. But I'm acutely aware that I am now more than halfway through my life, and I'd like to try and find happiness with someone else while I'm still reasonably attractive and fit.

This is a horrible reason to divorce. It is very unlikely you will find a new partner. (I am divorced but it was a horrible marriage from day 1 and I divorced because being alone FOREVER was better than staying married...that is the only scenario that should be considered. Not a pipedream that you will find someone else.)

But there is something to be said for the weight that will be lifted from her shoulders when she is single and hoping she might meet the right person as opposed to being resigned to live miserable with her DH.

Not sure if that is worth a divorce in her case, but hope is a powerful drug.

She also gets out of being his caretaker now that he's super old, underemployed, and angry. And no, it won't fall on their child because their elementary-age child is too young and will be for a long time.

But leaving a marriage in mid-life with a young child, hoping to find a replacement husband, is not a good reason, and it is unlikely. Leave to be single, fine.

Exactly: the motivation should be "being single is better than staying" rather than "maybe I will find someone else." If her motivation is "hope" for another relationship, that is truly not a bad enough marriage to leave.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP started this thread as a decent person.... after listening to DCUM bitter women, OP will leave as a different person.

She started this thread as a decent person who was about to be divorced and homeless...

She could always, you know, honor her vows and not abandon her husband.

Back to this question: OP, why are you leaving this guy? You seem to like him.

OP here. I respect him as an honest person and a devoted father, but I am leaving because of ongoing emotional abuse/anger issues.

Someone else asked if I cheated: No, I never did. But I'm acutely aware that I am now more than halfway through my life, and I'd like to try and find happiness with someone else while I'm still reasonably attractive and fit.

This is a horrible reason to divorce. It is very unlikely you will find a new partner. (I am divorced but it was a horrible marriage from day 1 and I divorced because being alone FOREVER was better than staying married...that is the only scenario that should be considered. Not a pipedream that you will find someone else.)

You just glossed over the abuse? Jesus Christ. Talk about bad advice.

She said anger and control issues...that is not necessarily abuse. I had extreme emotional and financial abuse and postdivorce, it still would have been better to stay married.

She should NOT divorce with another partner in mind. That is sheer stupidity.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP started this thread as a decent person.... after listening to DCUM bitter women, OP will leave as a different person.

She started this thread as a decent person who was about to be divorced and homeless...

She could always, you know, honor her vows and not abandon her husband.

Back to this question: OP, why are you leaving this guy? You seem to like him.

OP here. I respect him as an honest person and a devoted father, but I am leaving because of ongoing emotional abuse/anger issues.

Someone else asked if I cheated: No, I never did. But I'm acutely aware that I am now more than halfway through my life, and I'd like to try and find happiness with someone else while I'm still reasonably attractive and fit.

This is a horrible reason to divorce. It is very unlikely you will find a new partner. (I am divorced but it was a horrible marriage from day 1 and I divorced because being alone FOREVER was better than staying married...that is the only scenario that should be considered. Not a pipedream that you will find someone else.)

But there is something to be said for the weight that will be lifted from her shoulders when she is single and hoping she might meet the right person as opposed to being resigned to live miserable with her DH.

Not sure if that is worth a divorce in her case, but hope is a powerful drug.

She also gets out of being his caretaker now that he's super old, underemployed, and angry. And no, it won't fall on their child because their elementary-age child is too young and will be for a long time.

But leaving a marriage in mid-life with a young child, hoping to find a replacement husband, is not a good reason, and it is unlikely. Leave to be single, fine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP started this thread as a decent person.... after listening to DCUM bitter women, OP will leave as a different person.

She started this thread as a decent person who was about to be divorced and homeless...

She could always, you know, honor her vows and not abandon her husband.

Back to this question: OP, why are you leaving this guy? You seem to like him.

OP here. I respect him as an honest person and a devoted father, but I am leaving because of ongoing emotional abuse/anger issues.

Someone else asked if I cheated: No, I never did. But I'm acutely aware that I am now more than halfway through my life, and I'd like to try and find happiness with someone else while I'm still reasonably attractive and fit.

This is a horrible reason to divorce. It is very unlikely you will find a new partner. (I am divorced but it was a horrible marriage from day 1 and I divorced because being alone FOREVER was better than staying married...that is the only scenario that should be considered. Not a pipedream that you will find someone else.)

But there is something to be said for the weight that will be lifted from her shoulders when she is single and hoping she might meet the right person as opposed to being resigned to live miserable with her DH.

Not sure if that is worth a divorce in her case, but hope is a powerful drug.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP started this thread as a decent person.... after listening to DCUM bitter women, OP will leave as a different person.

She started this thread as a decent person who was about to be divorced and homeless...

She could always, you know, honor her vows and not abandon her husband.

Back to this question: OP, why are you leaving this guy? You seem to like him.

OP here. I respect him as an honest person and a devoted father, but I am leaving because of ongoing emotional abuse/anger issues.

Someone else asked if I cheated: No, I never did. But I'm acutely aware that I am now more than halfway through my life, and I'd like to try and find happiness with someone else while I'm still reasonably attractive and fit.

This is a horrible reason to divorce. It is very unlikely you will find a new partner. (I am divorced but it was a horrible marriage from day 1 and I divorced because being alone FOREVER was better than staying married...that is the only scenario that should be considered. Not a pipedream that you will find someone else.)

You just glossed over the abuse? Jesus Christ. Talk about bad advice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP started this thread as a decent person.... after listening to DCUM bitter women, OP will leave as a different person.

She started this thread as a decent person who was about to be divorced and homeless...

She could always, you know, honor her vows and not abandon her husband.

Back to this question: OP, why are you leaving this guy? You seem to like him.

OP here. I respect him as an honest person and a devoted father, but I am leaving because of ongoing emotional abuse/anger issues.

Someone else asked if I cheated: No, I never did. But I'm acutely aware that I am now more than halfway through my life, and I'd like to try and find happiness with someone else while I'm still reasonably attractive and fit.

This is a horrible reason to divorce. It is very unlikely you will find a new partner. (I am divorced but it was a horrible marriage from day 1 and I divorced because being alone FOREVER was better than staying married...that is the only scenario that should be considered. Not a pipedream that you will find someone else.)

But there is something to be said for the weight that will be lifted from her shoulders when she is single and hoping she might meet the right person as opposed to being resigned to live miserable with her DH.

Not sure if that is worth a divorce in her case, but hope is a powerful drug.

She also gets out of being his caretaker now that he's super old, underemployed, and angry. And no, it won't fall on their child because their elementary-age child is too young and will be for a long time.

But leaving a marriage in mid-life with a young child, hoping to find a replacement husband, is not a good reason, and it is unlikely. Leave to be single, fine.

He may be healthier than she is and she have the health issues. She probably cheated and going with her AP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP started this thread as a decent person.... after listening to DCUM bitter women, OP will leave as a different person.

She started this thread as a decent person who was about to be divorced and homeless...

She could always, you know, honor her vows and not abandon her husband.

Back to this question: OP, why are you leaving this guy? You seem to like him.

OP here. I respect him as an honest person and a devoted father, but I am leaving because of ongoing emotional abuse/anger issues.

Someone else asked if I cheated: No, I never did. But I'm acutely aware that I am now more than halfway through my life, and I'd like to try and find happiness with someone else while I'm still reasonably attractive and fit.

This is a horrible reason to divorce. It is very unlikely you will find a new partner. (I am divorced but it was a horrible marriage from day 1 and I divorced because being alone FOREVER was better than staying married...that is the only scenario that should be considered. Not a pipedream that you will find someone else.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP started this thread as a decent person.... after listening to DCUM bitter women, OP will leave as a different person.

She started this thread as a decent person who was about to be divorced and homeless...

She could always, you know, honor her vows and not abandon her husband.

Back to this question: OP, why are you leaving this guy? You seem to like him.

OP here. I respect him as an honest person and a devoted father, but I am leaving because of ongoing emotional abuse/anger issues.

Someone else asked if I cheated: No, I never did. But I'm acutely aware that I am now more than halfway through my life, and I'd like to try and find happiness with someone else while I'm still reasonably attractive and fit.

Got it, OP. Sorry that things did not work out between the 2 of you. Take care of yourself in the divorce settlement. A bird in hand is worth 2 in the bush. You are not too far behind him in age, and there are no guarantees that the economy, the market and social security will go as planned for people your age. So take what is legally yours.

Don't forget that you may still end up taking care of him in old age because you share a child with him, so it is in your interest either way to safeguard some of your joint marital property. Many divorced parents help their children take care of their elderly parents.

And OP likely will be the parent who puts her child through college. Not her elderly ExH. But please, please, do not “trade” any present money in your divorce settlement for his future promise to fund college . It’s better to get 50% now and invest it for your child’s future than trying to enforce the divorce settlement when it’s time for your child to attend college

You have no idea what he will do or not do as you haven't talked to him. College is a choice, not a right. Many parents, married, or divorced or never married, don't pay for college. And, when you choose to alienate them, why should dad pay?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP started this thread as a decent person.... after listening to DCUM bitter women, OP will leave as a different person.

She started this thread as a decent person who was about to be divorced and homeless...

She could always, you know, honor her vows and not abandon her husband.

Back to this question: OP, why are you leaving this guy? You seem to like him.

OP here. I respect him as an honest person and a devoted father, but I am leaving because of ongoing emotional abuse/anger issues.

Someone else asked if I cheated: No, I never did. But I'm acutely aware that I am now more than halfway through my life, and I'd like to try and find happiness with someone else while I'm still reasonably attractive and fit.

Got it, OP. Sorry that things did not work out between the 2 of you. Take care of yourself in the divorce settlement. A bird in hand is worth 2 in the bush. You are not too far behind him in age, and there are no guarantees that the economy, the market and social security will go as planned for people your age. So take what is legally yours.

Don't forget that you may still end up taking care of him in old age because you share a child with him, so it is in your interest either way to safeguard some of your joint marital property. Many divorced parents help their children take care of their elderly parents.

And OP likely will be the parent who puts her child through college. Not her elderly ExH. But please, please, do not “trade” any present money in your divorce settlement for his future promise to fund college . It’s better to get 50% now and invest it for your child’s future than trying to enforce the divorce settlement when it’s time for your child to attend college

You have no idea what he will do or not do as you haven't talked to him. College is a choice, not a right. Many parents, married, or divorced or never married, don't pay for college. And, when you choose to alienate them, why should dad pay?