Anonymous wrote:My cousin had an absolute hissy fit that I opted not to come to her adults-only destination wedding when my baby was 9 months old. "I can't believe you're doing this, I came to your wedding!" She's refused to speak to me ever since and spent in inordinate amount of time badmouthing me to the rest of the family. Whatever.

+1

I’m fine with kid free weddings but it does work both ways. DH’s brother also had a kid free destination wedding at an adult only resort- we had infant twins at the time. DH went to the wedding alone (with a very quick turnaround- was there for under 48hrs). ILs were miffed but oh well.

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Anonymous wrote:We are South Asian and of course had kids at our wedding. But my cousin's kid wailed throughout my ceremony and my cousin didn't have the sense to take the kid outside of the hall. Years later, that same cousin's other kid almost ruined a couple's first dance bc the parents couldn't be bothered to keep their kid away from the dance floor for a few minutes.

This is to say, I understand why people exclude kids from weddings. It's not about the kids, it's about the entitled/clueless parents of said kids that don't remove their kid or correct their behavior.

See, a lot of people would find it really cute that a kid occupies the dance floor during the first dance. If I were the bride, I would love it and cherish those pics. Sadly, no kid came up to us during the dance, but I do have hilarious pics of kid shenanigans during other parts of my wedding - they're the best! I'm French, had my wedding in a castle in France, and all the kids were running around, petting the horses of the horse-drawn carriage (under supervision), running into the garden or the fields... it was carefree and exactly what I thought should happen.

The root of the problem is a fundamental difference in how certain adults view the presence of children, who naturally understand the world differently from adults. Childhood is so short and precious. Most of the world understands that this is a time to be understanding of their needs, not try to straight-jacket them into unnecessary decorum. The decorum gets learned every day. My kids are now young adults and teens. They and their cousins have absorbed all the required mannerisms to be courteous adults. They are none of the worse for being invited to weddings and being allowed to express themselves.

This isn’t cute. At all. Why would you think its cure for kids to upstage the couple for the first dance? The kids can slide on their knees the next 30 songs.

and herein lies the delusion. You’re not famous - nobody wants to see your first dance as if you were on Broadway. There is no “upstaging” unless you are impossibly self-centered.

But they don't want to see your kids either. The bride and groom paid for the party. It's their party. Your kids are tolerated at best. If you want your kid on the stage performing, send them to dance class where there is a recital.

why would you invite people you’re so hostile towards? Seriously. why make such a big deal if it’s just “a party”?

I think there are some reasonable points here made about worsening discipline, the expense of hosting your mom’s coworker’s kids, etc. But some people don’t quite seem to get that the reason people make an effort and sometimes go to great cost to attend weddings is because they are more than just “a party.”

Why would you go to a wedding if you begrudge the couple their first dance? How self centered are you?

i don’t begrudge them the first dance but I do think this idea that they are broadway stars everyone is rapt to see is a bit cringe. No matter how well they dance it’s always a bit cringe and everyone is relieved when it ends.

But if your 4 year old was out there with them it would be 10000% better?

It's their wedding, whatever they want to do for the first dance is their choice. Your job is not to critique it all. You can choose when you get married.

This is why people don't want kids at the wedding. That PP thinks the sun shines out of her kid's butt. She doesn't care at all about the bride and groom, it's just a reason to get her kid dressed up and have their moment in the spotlight being 'adorable' during a couple's first dance. PPs kid isn't the reason people are there, as much as she seems to think. The bad parenting is pretty cringe.

No, that’s not what I said although I think a cute toddler dancing is much less cringe than an overrehearsed cringe dance routine or everyone staring at the couple slow dancing.

Only the parents of said toddler think this. Sorry adults dancing makes you so uncomfortable. Do you have many adult friends?

+1
My wedding isn't your toddlers recital.

that’s funny because most “First dances” look like toddler recitals and have the same pained vibe from the audience, except less cute.

There are legitimate reasons to not have every guest’s kids invited (although not IMO immediate family) - but the rationale that “someone might ruin my performance!!!” is not one of them.

What year did you get divorced?

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Anonymous wrote:We are South Asian and of course had kids at our wedding. But my cousin's kid wailed throughout my ceremony and my cousin didn't have the sense to take the kid outside of the hall. Years later, that same cousin's other kid almost ruined a couple's first dance bc the parents couldn't be bothered to keep their kid away from the dance floor for a few minutes.

This is to say, I understand why people exclude kids from weddings. It's not about the kids, it's about the entitled/clueless parents of said kids that don't remove their kid or correct their behavior.

See, a lot of people would find it really cute that a kid occupies the dance floor during the first dance. If I were the bride, I would love it and cherish those pics. Sadly, no kid came up to us during the dance, but I do have hilarious pics of kid shenanigans during other parts of my wedding - they're the best! I'm French, had my wedding in a castle in France, and all the kids were running around, petting the horses of the horse-drawn carriage (under supervision), running into the garden or the fields... it was carefree and exactly what I thought should happen.

The root of the problem is a fundamental difference in how certain adults view the presence of children, who naturally understand the world differently from adults. Childhood is so short and precious. Most of the world understands that this is a time to be understanding of their needs, not try to straight-jacket them into unnecessary decorum. The decorum gets learned every day. My kids are now young adults and teens. They and their cousins have absorbed all the required mannerisms to be courteous adults. They are none of the worse for being invited to weddings and being allowed to express themselves.

This isn’t cute. At all. Why would you think its cure for kids to upstage the couple for the first dance? The kids can slide on their knees the next 30 songs.

and herein lies the delusion. You’re not famous - nobody wants to see your first dance as if you were on Broadway. There is no “upstaging” unless you are impossibly self-centered.

But they don't want to see your kids either. The bride and groom paid for the party. It's their party. Your kids are tolerated at best. If you want your kid on the stage performing, send them to dance class where there is a recital.

why would you invite people you’re so hostile towards? Seriously. why make such a big deal if it’s just “a party”?

I think there are some reasonable points here made about worsening discipline, the expense of hosting your mom’s coworker’s kids, etc. But some people don’t quite seem to get that the reason people make an effort and sometimes go to great cost to attend weddings is because they are more than just “a party.”

Why would you go to a wedding if you begrudge the couple their first dance? How self centered are you?

i don’t begrudge them the first dance but I do think this idea that they are broadway stars everyone is rapt to see is a bit cringe. No matter how well they dance it’s always a bit cringe and everyone is relieved when it ends.

But if your 4 year old was out there with them it would be 10000% better?

It's their wedding, whatever they want to do for the first dance is their choice. Your job is not to critique it all. You can choose when you get married.

This is why people don't want kids at the wedding. That PP thinks the sun shines out of her kid's butt. She doesn't care at all about the bride and groom, it's just a reason to get her kid dressed up and have their moment in the spotlight being 'adorable' during a couple's first dance. PPs kid isn't the reason people are there, as much as she seems to think. The bad parenting is pretty cringe.

No, that’s not what I said although I think a cute toddler dancing is much less cringe than an overrehearsed cringe dance routine or everyone staring at the couple slow dancing.

Only the parents of said toddler think this. Sorry adults dancing makes you so uncomfortable. Do you have many adult friends?

+1
My wedding isn't your toddlers recital.

that’s funny because most “First dances” look like toddler recitals and have the same pained vibe from the audience, except less cute.

There are legitimate reasons to not have every guest’s kids invited (although not IMO immediate family) - but the rationale that “someone might ruin my performance!!!” is not one of them.

It is very unusual not to have your own family at the wedding. Even at adult only weddings, the nieces and nephews are flower girls and ring bearers. Family is always invited; other guests should not bring uninvited kids.

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Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine for random friends' kids, but my 12 year old would be sad if she was not invited to her uncle's wedding.

And it's alright for her to be sad. Not everything is about her. 12 is a fine age to learn that.

A 12 year old should be invited. Or, she learns she isn't family. Hope this uncle doesn't expect the 12 year old to babysit his kids or have a relationship.

Is she not family if a dinner is hosted at a bar? Or if you attend an 18+ comedy show? There is no rule that "12 year olds should be invited".

Not inviting a 12 year old to an 18+ comedy show: normal.
Not inviting a 12 year old to an immediate (or near immediate) family members church wedding and dinner/ dancing reception: not normal.

“Near immediate”? I think the word you are looking for is “extended.”

my sister married into nephews who were in 2nd and 4th grade who THREW A CAKE off the 2nd floor balcony onto the ground below, during a party at my sister's and fiance's apartment.... about 8 months before the wedding date. So when they decided to get married, those 2 specific children (nephews to the groom) were NOT invited. Period. And that meant all other little kids weren't invited.

Several years later I got married and had every single child, teen, etc invited to our wedding, which was an afternoon but we served dinner and had dancing - and the kids did beautifully. I had a lower table for them to sit at, had a gift bag for each kid (labeled because some were 2 and 4 years old and some were 8, 10 and 12 years old) etc.

I do think that much of this is because a "big deal, instagram, What You Do for a wedding in these times" .... weddings and funerals were always the family reunions for years and years.... but now it's only funerals or Reunions, if a family creates that party. It's too bad, but ALSO we didn't have any kids running around, throwing cake, or doing anything horrible - they were supervised by their parents (or any relatives nearby would have stepped up - that's how a Greek family does it)

My cousin had an absolute hissy fit that I opted not to come to her adults-only destination wedding when my baby was 9 months old. "I can't believe you're doing this, I came to your wedding!" She's refused to speak to me ever since and spent in inordinate amount of time badmouthing me to the rest of the family. Whatever.

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't affect you if other people have different feelings or responses. You don't need to understand it.

I had kids at my wedding. I've been to weddings with and without my kids. I RSVP according to what works for my family. But I don't care if other people care about this. Not my problem.

Well, OP has to listen to one side of her family for the next 9-12 months talking about the wedding not allowing kids, AND the one years ago that didn't and.... the OP doesn't care, but HER FAMILY (or at least IN-LAW family) does. OP is only trying to figure out why this bothers some people that they'll go to such great lengths (bringing a kid anyway to boycott, no longer speaking to the bride, etc) about it! No need to be so dismissive.

I wonder, OP, if this side of the family is always a bit angry and difficult - if it weren't this, there would be other reasons found to not speak to X or complain about Y.

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Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine for random friends' kids, but my 12 year old would be sad if she was not invited to her uncle's wedding.

And it's alright for her to be sad. Not everything is about her. 12 is a fine age to learn that.

A 12 year old should be invited. Or, she learns she isn't family. Hope this uncle doesn't expect the 12 year old to babysit his kids or have a relationship.

Is she not family if a dinner is hosted at a bar? Or if you attend an 18+ comedy show? There is no rule that "12 year olds should be invited".

Not inviting a 12 year old to an 18+ comedy show: normal.
Not inviting a 12 year old to an immediate (or near immediate) family members church wedding and dinner/ dancing reception: not normal.

Clearly this thread proves - the lie detector test determined, that is a lie. It's fully normal for millions of people. Just because you disagree and are offended doesn't make it abnormal.

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Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine for random friends' kids, but my 12 year old would be sad if she was not invited to her uncle's wedding.

And it's alright for her to be sad. Not everything is about her. 12 is a fine age to learn that.

A fine age to learn that she is a second class family member in her uncles eyes.

Minors aren't second class, but they are a different class, and not everything is appropriate for them. Take it up with the government if you feel differently.

Since when is attending a family wedding “not appropriate” for a pre teen? Where is this wedding happening? A strip club?

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine for random friends' kids, but my 12 year old would be sad if she was not invited to her uncle's wedding.

And it's alright for her to be sad. Not everything is about her. 12 is a fine age to learn that.

A 12 year old should be invited. Or, she learns she isn't family. Hope this uncle doesn't expect the 12 year old to babysit his kids or have a relationship.

Is she not family if a dinner is hosted at a bar? Or if you attend an 18+ comedy show? There is no rule that "12 year olds should be invited".

Not inviting a 12 year old to an 18+ comedy show: normal.
Not inviting a 12 year old to an immediate (or near immediate) family members church wedding and dinner/ dancing reception: not normal.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine for random friends' kids, but my 12 year old would be sad if she was not invited to her uncle's wedding.

And it's alright for her to be sad. Not everything is about her. 12 is a fine age to learn that.

A fine age to learn that she is a second class family member in her uncles eyes.

Minors aren't second class, but they are a different class, and not everything is appropriate for them. Take it up with the government if you feel differently.

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Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine for random friends' kids, but my 12 year old would be sad if she was not invited to her uncle's wedding.

And it's alright for her to be sad. Not everything is about her. 12 is a fine age to learn that.

A 12 year old should be invited. Or, she learns she isn't family. Hope this uncle doesn't expect the 12 year old to babysit his kids or have a relationship.

Is she not family if a dinner is hosted at a bar? Or if you attend an 18+ comedy show? There is no rule that "12 year olds should be invited".

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Anonymous wrote:I didn't go to my brother's second wedding because my kids weren't invited. I live out of state and all family was going to the wedding. By not inviting my kids it meant I couldn't go. I didn't want to anyway, so it was an easy decision. I didn't want to go because my family is clueless and abusive, and this was just another example of their cluelessness.

But had you wanted to attend, you could have left them home with your husband and gone alone. Or travel to the wedding area, and hire a sitter for your kids. There are many viable solutions

+1
It's fine to not attend a wedding if your kids aren't invited. But don't pretend it's some impossible task to attend if they aren't invited. There are any options available. If you don't want to choose them, fine, but that's your choice. You are choosing not to attend. Own it.

It can be an impossible task. We never used babysitters. So, leaving for a weekend or 4 days would be a big deal for a kid who has never left. I wouldn't impose on friends and while we have family who could help, they've never offered to watch our kid for a day let alone a few days so we could vacation. So, we'd decline as I'm not spending $1-2K on a babysitter, not traveling to a different place to leave my kid with a stranger as that's a safety issue, and not imposing on friends. It makes no sense to spend thousands to go to a wedding in less very close friends or family and if our kid isn't family, then neither are we.

You get that, as a parent, it's your choice not to use babysitters? So again, it's not the couples fault that you parent the way you do, and it's your choice to parent the way you do, and it's your choice to skip a wedding because of that.

Are most wedding invites you get for 4 days? That seems excessive for sure.

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Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine for random friends' kids, but my 12 year old would be sad if she was not invited to her uncle's wedding.

And it's alright for her to be sad. Not everything is about her. 12 is a fine age to learn that.

A fine age to learn that she is a second class family member in her uncles eyes.