A lot of sad excuses on this thread. And a lot of women who seem to think the desire to spend 36 hours of alone time with your spouse once in 18 years is selfish. Glad I'm not married to them.

When a married couple really want to get away for a weekend they will find a way. Everything else is just an excuse to avoid doing it. My husband knows that with no kids around hotel sex after a date night is as good as it gets.

We have no family near by (grandparents are either passed away or my mother, who’s 2 hrs away, always ALWAYS says no; I have asked and asked). We have 2 kids who are now teens, and they fight over the air they breathe (which is its own thread). We have tried everything, including family counseling and parenting classes, to structure and minimize fighting, but it persists in one way or another. I think this has come into play with others when we have asked for sitters we know to do overnights or if we can have the kids spend the night for us to go somewhere as a couple. A good friend did confide that she didn’t feel equipped to handle their bickering (and I appreciated her honesty), so those were nos.

When they got old enough for overnight camp, we tried doing those. My oldest LOVED overnight camp while my youngest hated it and would beg to come home. So after 2 summers we stopped sending my youngest bc he was so miserable. Now my oldest has aged out unless she became a CIT.

My kids are both high schoolers and I still don’t feel comfortable enough leaving them alone overnight because I am 100% sure my oldest would break the rules and have people over which could suddenly turn into a “party” with drinking. Plus with social media and phones, the info would spread too quickly that the parents are out of town and suddenly all these kids just show up and it spirals out of control (happened to a neighbor’s kid). So I feel like we are still stuck. But this is totally kid dependent. I have friends that went to Mexico for a week and left their high schoolers back in NOVA but they went to school, walked the dog, didn’t have people over, all was well. For us, It is what it is.

Anonymous wrote:Once your kids are in elementary school ask a young child-free teacher (that you know) or a young woman from your office.

Obviously so many variables but my parents did this in the 1980s for their kids.

Also - once they are in middle you can ask friends, and offer a swap.

Jesus Christ do not do this. It’s effed up on so many levels.

The age of the kids really matters here IMO.

For kids 4ish & under (especially if multiple kids those ages) -and anything more than maybe one night- it is a big ask of someone unless it is a very capable grandparent or regular nanny. And it is understandable why some parents would be uncomfortable leaving kids those ages for multiple nights if not totally confident in the caregiver.

For school aged kids it is much easier and there are a lot of options.

We didn’t have any family capable of watching our very small children (infant-preschool ages), but left them with our wonderful regular sitter overnight several times (only for one night and didn’t go too far).

Once they were a little older we had so many more options- friends, sitters, other extended family etc. My bachelor BIL (not comfortable with infants but great with older kids) even took them for a weekend once, and they had a great time. One time we asked a young aftercare teacher from their elementary school, and that also went great.

Just wanted to highlight that if your kids are very small- this issue doesn’t last forever, or their whole childhoods. And it doesn’t necessarily mean OPs wife is a crazy helicopter parent either. It is just a little trickier to leave very little ones if you don’t have reliable close family (and the wife doesn’t feel her mom is reliable, obviously) or a nanny.

Once your kids are in elementary school ask a young child-free teacher (that you know) or a young woman from your office.

Obviously so many variables but my parents did this in the 1980s for their kids.

Also - once they are in middle you can ask friends, and offer a swap.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never left our kids to travel. We enjoyed traveling as a family. You knew the obligation when you got pregnant.

The DW was told she could only travel with kids for 18 years? That is BS. Plenty of women have kids and go on girls trips, trips with their spouse, business trips etc.

Np. But does your wife want to? Many do but if your wife does not than you can't force her.

Sure, but if that’s the case here, op has a wife problem. Not a parenting problem.

I’m guessing ops wife is one of the anxious, can never spend a minute apart from her kids types, and that’s why she so quickly put a stop to ops suggestion that mil watch the kids one time. There are some parents (usually moms) who will make up any excuse to not spend time away from their kids. And I think those parents have a mental illness or are compensating for lack of something else in their lives. It’s both reasonable and healthy to want to spend time away from kids, and to spend time as just a couple. If you spouse is saying no to that wholesale, then the spouse is the problem. Not you for wanting to spend 36 hours with them alone.

So much projection and dislike of mothers here.

We don’t know whether OP is the husband or the wife.

The OP says they suggested their MIL watch the kids for a weekend and the spouse said the MIL isn’t capable of doing that. OP didn’t disagree. Is the MIL older, ill, has limited mobility? IOW, the spouse’s reaction to the suggestion could be entirely reasonable.

OP doesn’t say the spouse is opposed to traveling without the kids, just that they didn’t think the MIL could handle the childcare. Doesn’t sound like an over-anxious heli-mom to an objective observer.

OP jumps into this whole woe is me, is this all there is, we’ll probably get divorced thing on this basis?

At least OP is asking for suggestions but they seem to be overreacting a bit.

As are you. But you have a different agenda.

Not projecting. Op upthread said he was the dh and it was his wife saying no.

Op did say his wife immediately shut down his suggestion of mil watching the kids. If op thought it was worth asking, mil must not be so old. In any event, given his wife’s reaction, and his take away that there are no trips in their future, I’m going to take a wild guess that his wife made it clear there would be no trips in their future.

Also, I’ve never met a dad who was paranoid to leave his kids for 19 years. But I’ve met many many moms who are that way. That’s just reality.

His wife probably has a better read on what her mom can/cannot handle in terms of the grandkids. She likely knows her mom better than most anyone. He said they had left the kids with MIL in the past so clearly a total resistance to her mom babysitting isn’t the issue. It is more likely that circumstances have since changed (adding a 2nd child, MIL continuing to slow down as she gets older etc).

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:You got 2 young kids and you want your wife to up and go on a trip with you? Look at it from her perspective - neither of you will have an opportunity to spend time with your young children for much longer. Sorry if your penis isn't the most interesting thing in the world to her anymore, lol.

I get the feeling though. My wife and I 'date' during the work week where MIL can come over to the house, heat up some prepared dinner, and let the kids play. We get some alone time, wife doesn't feel like we've overburdened her mother, and it's a good time really.

DW here. Seems reasonable to me. I find it bizarre how MC and UMC women completely give up their lives when kids arrive. It’s a complete 180 that isn’t healthy.

Going away and spending a few days focused on your spouse and resting is very normal and healthy. Anyone telling you otherwise has anxiety and way too much focus on their children.

It’s ironic but mothers who can’t leave their children for a weekend tend to end up very bath mothers to older children.

So much judgement in your post.

She's not wrong.

Yeah, mothers who don't want to burden their own elderly mothers so husband can get some action, while the dude pouts on the internet instead of offering solutions, are bad. Or something.

Yea that must mean you are a terrible parent to older children. I laughed out loud reading that part.

A woman who can’t prioritize leaving her kids for the weekend to spend time with her spouse will absolutely struggle with teens who develop their own identity and need their mom less. A mom like this has lived for her kids for more than a decade and it is a huge change that usually doesn’t go over well. If you already have your own social life and hobbies outside of kids it’s less of a problem.

Your post is illogical. None of the thoughts flow from one another. You have conflated so many things to one 1 idea: no social life, no hobbies, lives
for kids from the one thing: won’t leave kids for a weekend when young.

+1

We have an active social life/hobbies and always used a sitter once/wk at the very minimum (our kids no longer need sitters). We both have hobbies and do things on our own or with friends at least weekly as well. We don’t live for “ooh one special parent trip per year” - we work in time together and social time/hobbies into our regular daily life. We actually like our life and don’t need to escape from it. We also like our kids- and because we get regular breaks all the time- don’t feel a need to escape from them for a week.

I love my kids and my life but getting away from that for a period of time so I can spend time with my friends or alone isn’t escaping. You can pat yourself on your back all you want but you aren’t winning anything. You’re just ridiculous.

Lots of assumptions here - do either of you have older/elderly parents? There comes a time where they should NOT be watching small children for an extended period of time. OP didn’t mention offering an alternative solution.

+1

Elderly parents and babysitting sometimes really depends on the situation, and there is a point where it just isn’t a good idea…

My ILs were on the older side when my DC were born (and my DC are the youngest grandchildren). The ILs were capable of watching our baby for a few hours here and there (and really enjoyed doing so! My MIL is amazing with babies) and were also fine with their older grandkids (age 7ish+). But- they were honest about not feeling up to watching toddlers/preschoolers. Much more taxing than rocking a baby or supervising older kids, and can be a safety issue.

I wonder if OP’s MIL is similar to my ILs. Maybe she was fine with watching, say, one infant- but caring for two young mobile children is just too much and OP’s wife sees this.

And of course health situations can change quickly also.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never left our kids to travel. We enjoyed traveling as a family. You knew the obligation when you got pregnant.

The DW was told she could only travel with kids for 18 years? That is BS. Plenty of women have kids and go on girls trips, trips with their spouse, business trips etc.

Np. But does your wife want to? Many do but if your wife does not than you can't force her.

Sure, but if that’s the case here, op has a wife problem. Not a parenting problem.

I’m guessing ops wife is one of the anxious, can never spend a minute apart from her kids types, and that’s why she so quickly put a stop to ops suggestion that mil watch the kids one time. There are some parents (usually moms) who will make up any excuse to not spend time away from their kids. And I think those parents have a mental illness or are compensating for lack of something else in their lives. It’s both reasonable and healthy to want to spend time away from kids, and to spend time as just a couple. If you spouse is saying no to that wholesale, then the spouse is the problem. Not you for wanting to spend 36 hours with them alone.

So much projection and dislike of mothers here.

We don’t know whether OP is the husband or the wife.

The OP says they suggested their MIL watch the kids for a weekend and the spouse said the MIL isn’t capable of doing that. OP didn’t disagree. Is the MIL older, ill, has limited mobility? IOW, the spouse’s reaction to the suggestion could be entirely reasonable.

OP doesn’t say the spouse is opposed to traveling without the kids, just that they didn’t think the MIL could handle the childcare. Doesn’t sound like an over-anxious heli-mom to an objective observer.

OP jumps into this whole woe is me, is this all there is, we’ll probably get divorced thing on this basis?

At least OP is asking for suggestions but they seem to be overreacting a bit.

As are you. But you have a different agenda.

Not projecting. Op upthread said he was the dh and it was his wife saying no.

Op did say his wife immediately shut down his suggestion of mil watching the kids. If op thought it was worth asking, mil must not be so old. In any event, given his wife’s reaction, and his take away that there are no trips in their future, I’m going to take a wild guess that his wife made it clear there would be no trips in their future.

Also, I’ve never met a dad who was paranoid to leave his kids for 19 years. But I’ve met many many moms who are that way. That’s just reality.

Where did OP say this?

I'm in a boat of not having any family nearby to watch kids -- but I have been able to hire a babysitter (trusted former nanny) to watch kids for 24 hours to do a night away at Eastern Shore type overnight.

If on a longer trip, I bring kids along and just hire babysitters at the hotels - I've done this on trips to Africa, Asia, South America -and have not waited to travel until kids were older, but just took them on the road; I also didn't want to confine myself to "resort package/kdis club hotels" so would just ask hotels If they could supply a local sitter in advance. This has allowed us to do scuba, safaris, etc., all while with little kids.

We haven't had the chance for an extended "romantic" trip but I would go if I had a family member who could watch the kids - we just don't have that luxury of relatives still alive or any siblings who could do it. I am jealous of those who have family where you can drop off kids for a week/etc. Must be nice!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never left our kids to travel. We enjoyed traveling as a family. You knew the obligation when you got pregnant.

The DW was told she could only travel with kids for 18 years? That is BS. Plenty of women have kids and go on girls trips, trips with their spouse, business trips etc.

Np. But does your wife want to? Many do but if your wife does not than you can't force her.

Sure, but if that’s the case here, op has a wife problem. Not a parenting problem.

I’m guessing ops wife is one of the anxious, can never spend a minute apart from her kids types, and that’s why she so quickly put a stop to ops suggestion that mil watch the kids one time. There are some parents (usually moms) who will make up any excuse to not spend time away from their kids. And I think those parents have a mental illness or are compensating for lack of something else in their lives. It’s both reasonable and healthy to want to spend time away from kids, and to spend time as just a couple. If you spouse is saying no to that wholesale, then the spouse is the problem. Not you for wanting to spend 36 hours with them alone.

So much projection and dislike of mothers here.

We don’t know whether OP is the husband or the wife.

The OP says they suggested their MIL watch the kids for a weekend and the spouse said the MIL isn’t capable of doing that. OP didn’t disagree. Is the MIL older, ill, has limited mobility? IOW, the spouse’s reaction to the suggestion could be entirely reasonable.

OP doesn’t say the spouse is opposed to traveling without the kids, just that they didn’t think the MIL could handle the childcare. Doesn’t sound like an over-anxious heli-mom to an objective observer.

OP jumps into this whole woe is me, is this all there is, we’ll probably get divorced thing on this basis?

At least OP is asking for suggestions but they seem to be overreacting a bit.

As are you. But you have a different agenda.

Not projecting. Op upthread said he was the dh and it was his wife saying no.

Op did say his wife immediately shut down his suggestion of mil watching the kids. If op thought it was worth asking, mil must not be so old. In any event, given his wife’s reaction, and his take away that there are no trips in their future, I’m going to take a wild guess that his wife made it clear there would be no trips in their future.

Also, I’ve never met a dad who was paranoid to leave his kids for 19 years. But I’ve met many many moms who are that way. That’s just reality.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You got 2 young kids and you want your wife to up and go on a trip with you? Look at it from her perspective - neither of you will have an opportunity to spend time with your young children for much longer. Sorry if your penis isn't the most interesting thing in the world to her anymore, lol.

I get the feeling though. My wife and I 'date' during the work week where MIL can come over to the house, heat up some prepared dinner, and let the kids play. We get some alone time, wife doesn't feel like we've overburdened her mother, and it's a good time really.

DW here. Seems reasonable to me. I find it bizarre how MC and UMC women completely give up their lives when kids arrive. It’s a complete 180 that isn’t healthy.

Going away and spending a few days focused on your spouse and resting is very normal and healthy. Anyone telling you otherwise has anxiety and way too much focus on their children.

It’s ironic but mothers who can’t leave their children for a weekend tend to end up very bath mothers to older children.

So much judgement in your post.

She's not wrong.

Yeah, mothers who don't want to burden their own elderly mothers so husband can get some action, while the dude pouts on the internet instead of offering solutions, are bad. Or something.

Yea that must mean you are a terrible parent to older children. I laughed out loud reading that part.

A woman who can’t prioritize leaving her kids for the weekend to spend time with her spouse will absolutely struggle with teens who develop their own identity and need their mom less. A mom like this has lived for her kids for more than a decade and it is a huge change that usually doesn’t go over well. If you already have your own social life and hobbies outside of kids it’s less of a problem.

Your post is illogical. None of the thoughts flow from one another. You have conflated so many things to one 1 idea: no social life, no hobbies, lives
for kids from the one thing: won’t leave kids for a weekend when young.

+1

We have an active social life/hobbies and always used a sitter once/wk at the very minimum (our kids no longer need sitters). We both have hobbies and do things on our own or with friends at least weekly as well. We don’t live for “ooh one special parent trip per year” - we work in time together and social time/hobbies into our regular daily life. We actually like our life and don’t need to escape from it. We also like our kids- and because we get regular breaks all the time- don’t feel a need to escape from them for a week.

I love my kids and my life but getting away from that for a period of time so I can spend time with my friends or alone isn’t escaping. You can pat yourself on your back all you want but you aren’t winning anything. You’re just ridiculous.

Lots of assumptions here - do either of you have older/elderly parents? There comes a time where they should NOT be watching small children for an extended period of time. OP didn’t mention offering an alternative solution.

Our parents haven't watched our kids overnight ever. We use nannies, baby sitters, and we do sleepovers with friends (we have their kids, they have ours). Our kids also go to sleepaway camps because they want to. You can make as many excuses as you want but it doesn't make people who can figure out how to spend time away from their kids parents who "escape" them. Again, you're ridiculous.

Our first weekend away wasn’t until our kids were 8,6 and 4. A friend recommended a great sitter as we had no relatives in the area. We were able to make it happen once a year or so but it wasn’t something we needed to do to keep the romance alive. It was just nice to take a break and be nothing but adults for two days.

You can hire a sitter.

We lived in a strong community with a lot of bench depth. We could have the kids sleepover at a friend's house. One time, we were gone for several days, and the kids moved from one house to the other. Our friends and neighbors really helped us out.

Kids didn't like hanging with the grandparents. One is too controlling, and the other was depressed.