Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm the odd person out because I think this spending is frivolous and wasteful, particularly for a SAHM. The lunches and coffees make sense because that's good for her mental health. All the rest can be done at home much more inexpensively.

Did she think she was going to be able to quit her job and not have to adjust the purse strings at all?

She does have a job actually--and it's probably a lot harder than his job. And no, she shouldn't be expected to cut back because she no longer works for an employer. She is a mom, she deserves some breaks and her own spending money, he shouldn't have a say. I think he's cheap and wants to push her to go back to formal employment.

lololol

Frugal mom here. We make the same HHI in Bethesda with 2 kids and I think her spending is a bit ridiculous. You are illustrating lifestyle inflation which is so common in Bethesda. Everyone is Keeping up with the Joneses. But here’s the thing - being a SAHP is a privilege that requires a financial sacrifice. It’s super hard which is why your nanny (and most of them - including our old one - really suck).

I didn’t read the whole thread but I would never be a SAHP and expect not to downsize our household budget, including my expenses on myself.

I work full time now. I spend way less than your wife on my clothes, skincare, and gym. She spends like I did before we had kids, but even then, it is excessive. Join the Bethesda YMCA for 160 for the family and cut her expensive gym membership. She does not need to be spending that kind of money on skincare. There are cheap, great products from The Ordinary, Paula’s Choice and K-beauty. She can get cheaper haircuts and color her hair at home. She should do her nails at home. I get a pedicure about once a year. I save 1200 a year for our family by not highlighting my hair and getting fancy salon cuts - my kid’s hairdresser charges me 30 bucks for a trim. And for long hair you are wasting money if you spend a lot at a salon since a long hair cut is so easy.

Look, I get wanting to treat yourself. I get wanting the fancy salon experience, the Boden clothes on the kids, the fresh blowout and nails, etc. It’s so common in this area. But your budget has shrank and I think the household spending is not aligning with that reality. No kids really need Boden clothes anyway, unless your wife is trying to impress people. I have gotten much of my kid’s wardrobes as hand me downs or for free from our neighborhood Buy Nothing group and the rest can be easily bought for cheap from Cat and Jack, Carter’s, etc.

Point being - you can’t have caviar tastes on a tight budget. Or, you can, but you’re not going to be able to make good long-term financial decisions in the interest of your future and your family’s future (eg retirement and college savings).

OP, My advice would be...

support the desire and need for self care in terms of gym, hair cuts, mani/pedi, lunches out and coffee. These are, I think, the most important for well being and bang/buck.

discuss cutting back/postponing "luxury" items until she is back at work. the massage/spa day can be the bday present. Does she really need every expensive cream?

Cut back on clothing purchases--a few great items for her, okay, kids clothes should be thrifted. No way would I buy kids clothes at boden!

Put together some savings goals; a trip, etc, so that its not just taking away, but saving money toward something. also dont make it about only her spending, but about the household budget in general. She is providing minimum 100k in labor for child and home care!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think he’s discussing her budget, but rather the money where she is the one who chooses how to spend it. If she’s buying children’s clothes from Boden instead of target, there’s definitely room to spend less.

You’re probably right - but I think children’s clothes should be a separate budget item. Perhaps they can be sold on Poshmark after using them? Perhaps they need fewer items. (Kids go through clothes so fast.)

Yes. She buys clothes from Biden. Frequently enough that I even recognized that name.

That was my point in mentioning it - of course I want her to clothes our children but I wish she could do it for less.

Pp you’re replying to. I think it’s very reasonable to say “Janet, I am concerned about the amount of money that our family is saving right now, can we think about some places we could spend less without sacrificing too much?” I love Boden, but I don’t buy anything there except church clothes and even then I try to shop the sales.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think he’s discussing her budget, but rather the money where she is the one who chooses how to spend it. If she’s buying children’s clothes from Boden instead of target, there’s definitely room to spend less.

You’re probably right - but I think children’s clothes should be a separate budget item. Perhaps they can be sold on Poshmark after using them? Perhaps they need fewer items. (Kids go through clothes so fast.)

Yes. I think the bottom line here is that they need a budget they can both agree on, and then the specific line items can be adjusted. Maybe she would rather buy cheaper clothes for the kids and keep getting her nails done professionally, maybe she thinks Janie and Jack is worth it and wants to cook more beans and less meat. A SAHM is usually responsible for most of the money a family spends, because she’s around during the day and taking care of most of the purchasing that needs to happen. I am one and I try pretty hard to bargain hunt on things where I don’t think the more expensive version is important, but for some stuff DH and I have decided it’s worth it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think he’s discussing her budget, but rather the money where she is the one who chooses how to spend it. If she’s buying children’s clothes from Boden instead of target, there’s definitely room to spend less.

You’re probably right - but I think children’s clothes should be a separate budget item. Perhaps they can be sold on Poshmark after using them? Perhaps they need fewer items. (Kids go through clothes so fast.)

Yes. She buys clothes from Biden. Frequently enough that I even recognized that name.

That was my point in mentioning it - of course I want her to clothes our children but I wish she could do it for less.

OP here. Still reading all your responses.

Re: her becoming a SAHM. I was worried at first about her giving up a pretty well paid job and having a hard time going back to that salary level. We had a nanny for the first year and half. Neither my wife nor I loved it - she kept the baby alive and safe but that was about it, didn’t cook, do that many activities, or read (she barely could speak English). And this wasn’t a cheap nanny! After base payu, healthcare, PTO, etc it was a hefty sum. My wife was making a little over 200k at the time so yes we could afford it, but she didn’t enjoy her job and thought she could provide better care.

Now that I’ve seen the difference between how much my wife does and the nanny - who pretty much just took the baby out on walks while being on her phone, and sitting at parks - I totally support her staying a SAHM until the second is ready for preschool. Our kids are doing really well and my wife keeps a great routine, my work is rarely interrupted the way it still was with the nanny (sick, vacation, holidays…) I just wish we could be more frugal.

Yeah, some of this is the dynamic changing now that I’m the only one working, but overall expenses are increasing. Like I said before I don’t micromanage her nor does she me, we’re doing this exercise for the first time after the second kid and me thinking ahead to to college savings, double preschool, etc. We have joint finances so my expenses were also looked at. I don’t want to be stingy with her because I can tell what she does now is a lot harder than her previous desk job. In the course of us discussing this she did say she feels the self care categories are keeping her sane / refreshed from all the childcare.

After reading how many responses here say this isn’t too abnormal, I think I won’t make a big deal out of it.

Curious to hear from husbands of women who quit a well paid job to stay at home after kids. How did the dynamic of your financial relationship change , if at all. Did you feel more compelled to check /monitor your wife’s spending as the sole earner.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think he’s discussing her budget, but rather the money where she is the one who chooses how to spend it. If she’s buying children’s clothes from Boden instead of target, there’s definitely room to spend less.

You’re probably right - but I think children’s clothes should be a separate budget item. Perhaps they can be sold on Poshmark after using them? Perhaps they need fewer items. (Kids go through clothes so fast.)

I don’t think he’s discussing her budget, but rather the money where she is the one who chooses how to spend it. If she’s buying children’s clothes from Boden instead of target, there’s definitely room to spend less.

I think your post is odd. Why is children’s clothing in her budget? Why are her birthday gifts added in and the experiences she plans for your birthdays are left out?

Anyway… in total, her budget is fine. I am single, middle-aged and make a big less than $150. I spend way more on my hair, less on gym and nails, about the same on clothes and no massages - but desperately need to add skin care, Botox and maybe cosmetic surgery because my age is really starting to show.

Most people handle this by giving each other a personal budget and they do what they want with it. Kids’ clothing and childcare shouldn’t be a part of it. Gifts to her should come out of your budget or a household budget - not her spending money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm the odd person out because I think this spending is frivolous and wasteful, particularly for a SAHM. The lunches and coffees make sense because that's good for her mental health. All the rest can be done at home much more inexpensively.

Did she think she was going to be able to quit her job and not have to adjust the purse strings at all?

She does have a job actually--and it's probably a lot harder than his job. And no, she shouldn't be expected to cut back because she no longer works for an employer. She is a mom, she deserves some breaks and her own spending money, he shouldn't have a say. I think he's cheap and wants to push her to go back to formal employment.

OP’s job does not require her to spend as she does. What a strange entitlement to think you can spend at the same (or more!) levels as your HHI drops.

I don’t think this is too far off from what I spent on this stuff when I was in my 20’s making $50k/yr.
My gym membership was cheaper, but I didn’t need childcare. But the rest of it seems pretty normal. I’m sure my lunch and coffee costs were higher.

I do think it’s weird to separate your expenses this way, though. Does she have a less expensive car? Plan cheap vacations? Cook every night?

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm the odd person out because I think this spending is frivolous and wasteful, particularly for a SAHM. The lunches and coffees make sense because that's good for her mental health. All the rest can be done at home much more inexpensively.

Did she think she was going to be able to quit her job and not have to adjust the purse strings at all?

She does have a job actually--and it's probably a lot harder than his job. And no, she shouldn't be expected to cut back because she no longer works for an employer. She is a mom, she deserves some breaks and her own spending money, he shouldn't have a say. I think he's cheap and wants to push her to go back to formal employment.

This is why DH and I have our own bank accounts and "fun money" budgets. We each put $X into our personal bank accounts every month an d have a don't ask, don't tell policy on how we use that money. DH spends it on his whisky collection and sports outings with friends. I spend mine on clothes, makeup, nights out with friends.

Anonymous wrote:The details in your posts are strange. You guys go to different gyms? Spending less than $100 per year on everything including hair cuts for you sounds crazy low. My husband visits a barber and spends more than that per year. You never replace clothes? Good mens shoes are very expensive. Why is none of that on your list but once a year massages on hers?

Yeah, I'm curious about where the comparison budget was. How much does OP spend on clothes, shoes, shaving products, etc.? But also (and bear with me as I lean into gender stereotypes) how much does OP spend on things that he says are for the house but are really just for him? I, for example, could definitely live without an Alexa in every room, a giant TV, every possible streaming service, the latest in greatest gadgets, etc.