Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Finding out your spouse has autism after marriage? Lol, what? Or narcissism? Or OCD? Unless you are marrying someone you have known a few months or less -- which no one should be doing anyway -- you knew about these things before you said "I do."

People don't suddenly figure out two kids into a marriage that their spouse is self-involved with no social skills. They decide they could have done better when they are two kids into the marriage (which may or may not be true -- probably not) and start labeling/diagnosing and complaining on the internet and making drama in general (because they are likely not at par either).

My husband was diagnosed with autism this year at age 45. We are 16 years into the marriage. We dated for 6 years before we got married. The signs were there but they weren’t super noticeable until life got really hectic. The anxiety tripled after kids, mortgage, home renovations. He couldn’t cope, developed a drinking problem. The friendships he had in college and early adulthood faded as he got older. He is awful at making small talk with other parents at sporting events. He doesn’t consider other people’s feelings at all and does things like sleeping until 9am every single morning while I’m juggling getting multiple kids out the door. When approached he acts like I’m ridiculous. He has an incredible career and went to an Ivy League. He is tall and attractive. But he has no depth. No consideration for others. Lots of anxiety and depression. And is an alcoholic, albeit in recovery now. One of our children also has autism. I hope he never gets married.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Heavy investigation of the future in-laws.

Go on vacation with them.

Ask how close they are to their families of origin.

It's not perfect, but even if apples fall relatively far from the tree, they tend to roll back.

There's also the big advantage that, while hormones may blind you to your affianced's irritating habits and dubious morals, they aren't going to blind you to your would-be in-laws' irritating habits and dubious morals.

"Irritating habits and dubious morals" are not mental illnesses, nor are they symptoms of mental illnesses. Some mentally ill people can and do have tics ("habits") and act in ways many consider immoral (promiscuity, theft, etc.) But this thread is nonsensically muddying things, stupidly defining "mental illness" as "things which are character flaws/things I just don't like in a spouse."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know two children who are from sperm donors. That is such a black box of dna.
Zero observation opportunity.

They are much better screened than what most women do when picking husbands.

A Sperm Donor

Anonymous wrote:I know two children who are from sperm donors. That is such a black box of dna.
Zero observation opportunity.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a great question. TBH, looking back, there were red flags. But I rationalized them and went ahead because I had poor judgment in my mid 20s.

So maybe I am right in telling my kids not to get married until they're at least 30?

I tell my kids the same thing

I was 35 when married the guy who now is addicted to screens, gets easily frustrated, insults our boys, dismissed my feelings, raises his voice in anger, and is making my life miserable. I’m crying as I write these lines.

And I was 39 when I did the same. And now my son is addicted.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not serious about the “in sickness and in health” part, then just don’t get married.

No one of any religion or culture needs to stay married to an emotionally abusive mentally disordered person.

Don’t accommodate dysfunction.

Their parent should have gotten them professional help. Too late now.

I agree with you. I posted about my ex husband and how he developed bipolar disorder in his early 30s with the birth of our daughter. The mania was something I do not wish on anyway. I supported him for over ten years but he would not stay on his meds and he drank. He caused a lot of destruction to our lives and those around him. “In sickness and in health” is ridiculous when you are being abused by a manic partner who doesn’t even remember their actions when they are in it. Clearly the PP has never experienced serious mental illness and dysfunction.

Anonymous wrote:Worry less about mental illness and more about personality disorders. Screen for those by assessing for empathy. Any sign that empathy is missing, run for the hills. I learned that the hard way and it has caused me significant trauma.

Anonymous wrote:Not a great message to send to all your teens and young adults with mental illnesses disorders. You shouldn’t date or marry as people need to avoid you. No one should have to take on mental health issues in a partner.

Do you really all tell your children they need to stay single.

The number of people on anti anxiety meds and antidepressants means an awful lot of people who should have stayed single.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not serious about the “in sickness and in health” part, then just don’t get married.

No one of any religion or culture needs to stay married to an emotionally abusive mentally disordered person.

Don’t accommodate dysfunction.

Their parent should have gotten them professional help. Too late now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jumping off from the wife saying her husband does nothing to help at home, she has to remind him to shower and dress appropriately for work and didn't find out until after marriage and kids that he has depression and anxiety, etc. The truth is, there are a LOT of threads like this one - people finding out their spouse as autism or is narcissistic or OCD or a myriad of other big issues that if they knew about they may not have chosen to marry and/or procreate with this person.

Since the majority of us are not psychologists, how do we screen to make sure we're not marrying someone like this? What are the tell-tale signs that we were ignoring? Maybe this can help some of the people here who are dating to avoid an unhappy marriage down the line.

Assuming:

Mental illness = unhappy marriage,

- the odds are against men finding a sane, or mentally-healthy, wife in the DMV.

Pew research has revealed the majority (ie more than 50%) of young women who identify as liberal or progressive are mentally ill. And while MD and VA are blue-states, the District is a very deep blue.

Hope my son eventually marries a woman from somewhere other than the DMV.

Provide the legit link, please. I doubt this research exists. If it does, why didn't you provide it?

Troll. Not everything on this planet is about your conservative agenda.

Anonymous wrote:Live with someone for a couple of years before marriage. Crazy can't hold the crazy in for that long.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Heavy investigation of the future in-laws.

Go on vacation with them.

Ask how close they are to their families of origin.

It's not perfect, but even if apples fall relatively far from the tree, they tend to roll back.

There's also the big advantage that, while hormones may blind you to your affianced's irritating habits and dubious morals, they aren't going to blind you to your would-be in-laws' irritating habits and dubious morals.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jumping off from the wife saying her husband does nothing to help at home, she has to remind him to shower and dress appropriately for work and didn't find out until after marriage and kids that he has depression and anxiety, etc. The truth is, there are a LOT of threads like this one - people finding out their spouse as autism or is narcissistic or OCD or a myriad of other big issues that if they knew about they may not have chosen to marry and/or procreate with this person.

Since the majority of us are not psychologists, how do we screen to make sure we're not marrying someone like this? What are the tell-tale signs that we were ignoring? Maybe this can help some of the people here who are dating to avoid an unhappy marriage down the line.

Assuming:

Mental illness = unhappy marriage,

- the odds are against men finding a sane, or mentally-healthy, wife in the DMV.

Pew research has revealed the majority (ie more than 50%) of young women who identify as liberal or progressive are mentally ill. And while MD and VA are blue-states, the District is a very deep blue.

Hope my son eventually marries a woman from somewhere other than the DMV.

Anonymous wrote:Jumping off from the wife saying her husband does nothing to help at home, she has to remind him to shower and dress appropriately for work and didn't find out until after marriage and kids that he has depression and anxiety, etc. The truth is, there are a LOT of threads like this one - people finding out their spouse as autism or is narcissistic or OCD or a myriad of other big issues that if they knew about they may not have chosen to marry and/or procreate with this person.

Since the majority of us are not psychologists, how do we screen to make sure we're not marrying someone like this? What are the tell-tale signs that we were ignoring? Maybe this can help some of the people here who are dating to avoid an unhappy marriage down the line.