Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see my in-laws quite a bit. But I don’t really enjoy them. They are anxious and self centered, but not toxic.

What I’ve learned from them is how much guilt does NOT improve relationships. It makes spending time with them painful. They want to lecture us and treat us like kids (we are in our lates 40s!). So, I’m more worried about how I’ll win over my kid’s eventual partners so that they enjoy spending time with me.

How is this not toxic?

I'm the quoted PP. They are challenging people, but at their core still good. So it can be hard to spend time with them sometimes, but it's not corroding my self worth. It's more I just have to smile and nod a lot and never talk about anything too real. And occasionally I need to ignore a temper tantrum from my MIL. But they aren't like actively trying to make my life terrible or insult me, they are just emotionally stunted and needed more therapy than Boomers have ever had. My FIL could use an anti-anxiety med and my MIL could use an anti-depressant, but of course they don't think that.

It's amazing to me how many of you seem to think that being nice to you DH's mom will somehow guarantee your future DIL will like you? Huh?

No. BE A NICE PERSON. That is literally the only rule here. With any interpersonal relationship, the more forgiving you can be, the more loving and flexible, the better things will go. The second you resort to guilt or emotional manipulation, you are toast.

So those of you who think there is some magic formula you can teach your sons so that you aren't the evil MIL are missing the point. Your future DIL is a PERSON not a stereotype on a parenting forum. Get to know her! Be nice to HER! Say nice things to her! Keep you critiques to yourself. It's not hard.

Anonymous wrote:Do you see your husband's family? Probably not. I know growing up we always spent holidays with my maternal grandparents. I'm gay and married to a woman. We alternate each holiday to be fair. I see it with my brothers, though. Many years it'll just be my family visiting my parents and my brothers and their families spend the holidays with their wives' families. I feel bad for the years when my parents are alone but they don't seem to mind and often do a solo trip to a new destination on their bucket list. My brother once told me "I can make mom happy or I can make my wife happy so I pick the one I live with."

So your parents modeled that family ties = woman’s work/spending time with mom’s family, and you somehow expect your brothers to make different choices and priorities? That’s…interesting.

Anyway, that’s on your brothers, entirely. Not their wives. If I told my husband we’d be spending holidays with only my family, he’d laugh in my face, and he’s as mild-mannered and easygoing as they come.

Do you see your husband's family? Probably not. I know growing up we always spent holidays with my maternal grandparents. I'm gay and married to a woman. We alternate each holiday to be fair. I see it with my brothers, though. Many years it'll just be my family visiting my parents and my brothers and their families spend the holidays with their wives' families. I feel bad for the years when my parents are alone but they don't seem to mind and often do a solo trip to a new destination on their bucket list. My brother once told me "I can make mom happy or I can make my wife happy so I pick the one I live with."

Anonymous wrote:A friend who is a psychiatrist with 2 boys has always said that she does not expect they will be interested in her at all after they are 18. I have 2 girls and I think that sounds so sad and unnecessary! I do see that dynamic a lot but I don’t think it has to be like that because I also know men who were SUPER close to their wonderful mothers growing up and continue to be so as adults. But it does seem rare. An ex called his mother a few times a week but she was probably one of the sweetest, most wonderful mothers I’ve encountered so I’m not surprised.

It's funny how people deny that personality plays a huge part in this. I see it all around me: really nice people have a closer relationship with their kids, because the kids enjoy their company and want to communicate with them, tell them things, often the parents are also helpful in different ways...To me that is a bigger factor than anything else, because why would adult children want to be around people who make them feel like crap? They will do it a bit, out of obligation, but it won't be the same.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you modeled making an effort to see your husband’s family?

THIS!!!

AGREED!!!

Stop screaming!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you modeled making an effort to see your husband’s family?

THIS!!!

AGREED!!!

Anonymous wrote:My uber driver just talked at me for 20 mins about how she never sees any of her 4 sons bc they prioritize their wives families. I already have 'not having a third kid' regret and now I'm worried I'll never see them. urgh. moms of older boys - is this true?

Well, IME, if you are a mom who is a good cook then you wonder if your sons will ever leave. Somehow, they manage to find wives who also like your cooking. So, you see them all the time.

Anonymous wrote:I've seen women who undermine the relationship because the mom still wants to be the mom. The wife is now the "mom" of her family, and in charge. I think for the MIL to stay a part of their life, she has to recognize she is now not the #1 woman in son's life.

This kind of mentality is the problem. It’s not a competition for #1 woman and if you think it is therein lies the problem. Is Dad also competing with wife for top spot?

Son can have room in heart to love all of the special people in his life without having to pick favorites. If either wife or mom (god forbid both) see it as a competition, you’ve got a problem. Some sort of unnecessary alienation is bound to follow and everyone loses, even if they think they won.

It’s not a competition people.

A friend who is a psychiatrist with 2 boys has always said that she does not expect they will be interested in her at all after they are 18. I have 2 girls and I think that sounds so sad and unnecessary! I do see that dynamic a lot but I don’t think it has to be like that because I also know men who were SUPER close to their wonderful mothers growing up and continue to be so as adults. But it does seem rare. An ex called his mother a few times a week but she was probably one of the sweetest, most wonderful mothers I’ve encountered so I’m not surprised.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My uber driver just talked at me for 20 mins about how she never sees any of her 4 sons bc they prioritize their wives families. I already have 'not having a third kid' regret and now I'm worried I'll never see them. urgh. moms of older boys - is this true?

How does your husband treat you and his mother? That's what you can expect.

Do you mean how does your husband treat his PARENTS, and how do THEY treat him? Because all those things matter. Stop framing it only as mothers and sons, people. My husband has a relationship with his father, too. Why are you all ignoring the FILs/fathers in this?

DP here. DH is very kind and caring to his parents, who can at times be needy and annoying. So I guess I'm safe then!

All relationships have seasons. I've been with my H since college. When we were in our 20s, my H (one of three boys) talked to his mom maybe once a month...we would see her 1-2x a year. I remember a span of a few years when we spent Christmas with her and the brothers and it was fun. After our son was born, we saw her more often and my H talked to her more often. Two years ago MIL's husband (not FIL) passed away from a terminal cancer and my H and I talked to her much more often. There's now another serious illness in the immediate family (not her) and my H talks with her probably every other day. So, it depends on stages in life. If a mom expects her 25 year old son to call her every other day, that may be a bit much. But in other circumstances, more communication may happen.

As a DIL, the relationship with my MIL has been up and down. During the "down" times, my H took the lead on things with her and his family. Nowadays I get along with my MIL fine, she has her quirks but so do we all. The serious illness of someone we all love has thrown everyone in the family for a loop so I am trying to give grace to them all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My uber driver just talked at me for 20 mins about how she never sees any of her 4 sons bc they prioritize their wives families. I already have 'not having a third kid' regret and now I'm worried I'll never see them. urgh. moms of older boys - is this true?

How does your husband treat you and his mother? That's what you can expect.

Do you mean how does your husband treat his PARENTS, and how do THEY treat him? Because all those things matter. Stop framing it only as mothers and sons, people. My husband has a relationship with his father, too. Why are you all ignoring the FILs/fathers in this?

Anonymous wrote:My uber driver just talked at me for 20 mins about how she never sees any of her 4 sons bc they prioritize their wives families. I already have 'not having a third kid' regret and now I'm worried I'll never see them. urgh. moms of older boys - is this true?

How does your husband treat you and his mother? That's what you can expect.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you modeled making an effort to see your husband’s family?

THIS!!!

Disagree, it comes down to how nice the in laws are.

NOPE.

Actually? Yep. My ILs were great and all was going along swimmingly for years—we saw them often, traveling to them/with them/they came to us—until I got pregnant. From the instant they knew a grandbaby was on the way, they got insanely jealous of my parents, who were already grandparents through my sister/BIL. MIL especially started bean-counting, FIL tried to “insist” on a family name, they were both mad that DH and I chose not to find out the baby’s sex, ILs were mad that we decided not to go to an ANNUAL family reunion (same place, same people) we had been to many, many times because it was too close to the due date for travel. On and on. They became different people. DH was at first baffled, then hurt, then disappointed and angry about their pushy, intrusive, competitive, jealous behavior. Now, we rarely see them, and he almost never calls them—not worth it to hear about their guilt trips and demands.

Oh well.