Anonymous wrote:

My CEO sister’s husband is the stay at home dad to two kids and I am a stay at home mom with two kids to my busy law firm partner husband. My sister judges me for being SAH and then boasts about her amazing husband ) who “does so much for the family” ….
For some reason it’s cool and respectable to be a man who raises the kids but not for a woman. And no one whispers about what will her husband do when they are 50 and divorced ….

This has not been our experience AT ALL. Granted, we now have teens, but my husband stayed home when my kids were young and was routinely excluded and shunned. I genuinely hope things have changed in the intervening decade, because people sure were unfriendly and judgmental (in our blue NOVA suburb).

The reality is that as a SAHM, I’m not going to invite a SAHD over to my house to have the little ones play while my husband is at work. I just never felt like it was appropriate. I was always friendly to the SAHDs I knew out at the playground or library and certainly didn’t shun them, but the relationship was never going to move beyond that - just a reality of male-female dynamics. I do have close guy friends from college that my husband has known for years and we have good couple friends. I wouldn’t want my husband hanging out with another woman at her house during working hours either, frankly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You mean people like me, who are very well-read, can discuss most current events with intelligence and some background knowledge, and also earn significant passive income from my dividends?

I'm doing great, thank you. Feel free to think whatever you want about me.

of course you're well read! You have time. And who cares. What are you going to do if you get divorced?

DP. What are you going to do if you get divorced?

People get screwed over in divorces all the time, whether or not they stayed home. Other couples are not awful and treat each other decently regardless.
Here's an idea: don't marry a jerk. Working a meaningless job and outsourcing childcare just in case you end up divorced sounds like a terrible way to live one's life.

This is the answer. People need to make better choices in their personal lives and also learn to be in healthy partnerships. It takes two to tango people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing more important than raising your kids once you decide to become a mother. That is single handedly the most important job you’ll ever have even if you have a career. I don’t know why people fool themselves into thinking their work as a law firm partner or consultant is irreplaceable. You as a mom are irreplaceable so focus your energies on your kids first and foremost. Some people can handle raising kids and working full time and are great at it. They are very disciplined and have their priorities right. I know many working women who are hands on moms and are very involved in their kids lives. Yes they might get help such as cleaning ladies, housekeeper etc but they don’t outsource parenting.

THIS. Whether or not you work outside the home, this.

Lots of people outsource parenting regardless of their employment status or check out come middle school.

This is doing it all for me - I worked for 11 years until my second child was born. During that time, I climbed the ladder and was very successful - never intended to "retire" at 32, but that's what I did. Both kids are out of college and grad school now and fully launched. Husband about to retire from his big law grind of a job and we are late 50s - we were good savers and it's nice to be able to enjoy the empty next with travel now. I have never been bored a day in my life - and I know our kids, my husband, the schools and charitable organizations where I volunteered and our friends are grateful that our house is where we all gathered with our friends and children's friends to enjoy good food and music and life in general. When my kids were in college I helped care for both of my elderly parents and my husbands mother - it was not stressful and a "nightmare" as some people describe because I had the time and support to do it. Would not trade this life of caring for my family for the world - and neither would my family.

Anonymous wrote:Good for them! Hope it works out.

This. But if it were my daughter I would be privately disappointed after spending so much money on sending her to college and then to not work professionally. I could have saved that money in my retirement instead and retired earlier. I do believe that the world needs more women in the workforce, especially in leadership roles and science, to change the status quo for all women.

Anonymous wrote:Feminism is about choices - if a woman truly wants to stay home and take care of her family, and her situation is such that she can afford to (and not be in peril of being abandoned), then good for her. Same for a man. Neither should be required to stay home, nor should either be required to have a career assuming a spouse is willing and able to provide.

Unfortunately in this country we devalue caregiving, for all ages. The reality is that someone has to take care of kids and the house (and eventually aging parents). Either you do it yourself or you outsource it.

Love this comment, thanks.

I also think it's really unfortunate we've structured things that flexible jobs can be hard to come by for many. Part time work can be really hard to find. I suspect a lot of parents would like to have more of a balance between work and caring for children, but we're often forced to pick one or the other.

My CEO sister’s husband is the stay at home dad to two kids and I am a stay at home mom with two kids to my busy law firm partner husband. My sister judges me for being SAH and then boasts about her amazing husband ) who “does so much for the family” ….
For some reason it’s cool and respectable to be a man who raises the kids but not for a woman. And no one whispers about what will her husband do when they are 50 and divorced ….

This has not been our experience AT ALL. Granted, we now have teens, but my husband stayed home when my kids were young and was routinely excluded and shunned. I genuinely hope things have changed in the intervening decade, because people sure were unfriendly and judgmental (in our blue NOVA suburb).

Feminism is about choices - if a woman truly wants to stay home and take care of her family, and her situation is such that she can afford to (and not be in peril of being abandoned), then good for her. Same for a man. Neither should be required to stay home, nor should either be required to have a career assuming a spouse is willing and able to provide.

Unfortunately in this country we devalue caregiving, for all ages. The reality is that someone has to take care of kids and the house (and eventually aging parents). Either you do it yourself or you outsource it.

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing more important than raising your kids once you decide to become a mother. That is single handedly the most important job you’ll ever have even if you have a career. I don’t know why people fool themselves into thinking their work as a law firm partner or consultant is irreplaceable. You as a mom are irreplaceable so focus your energies on your kids first and foremost. Some people can handle raising kids and working full time and are great at it. They are very disciplined and have their priorities right. I know many working women who are hands on moms and are very involved in their kids lives. Yes they might get help such as cleaning ladies, housekeeper etc but they don’t outsource parenting.

THIS. Whether or not you work outside the home, this.

Why are we disparaging corporate jobs as devoid of societal value? Your paycheck helps provide for, enrich, and better your family. You (hopefully) pay taxes on your wages, which better society as a whole. Your corporation/organization does or makes something or provides some service to society...just because it might not be the cure to cancer doesn't mean its valueless. And your organization/corporation employs others who need their paychecks to support their family (support staff, janitorial crew, even I guess breadwinner dads, etc.) whom the company would not be able to hire if they were not profitable thanks to all their workers' work. Etc...

Anyways, I don't have one single negative thought about SAHMs (if my job had been less flexible, less WFH, etc., I would most likely be one).

There are so many different ways to be both personally fulfilled and contribute to society as whole.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You mean people like me, who are very well-read, can discuss most current events with intelligence and some background knowledge, and also earn significant passive income from my dividends?

I'm doing great, thank you. Feel free to think whatever you want about me.

of course you're well read! You have time. And who cares. What are you going to do if you get divorced?

DP. What are you going to do if you get divorced?

People get screwed over in divorces all the time, whether or not they stayed home. Other couples are not awful and treat each other decently regardless.
Here's an idea: don't marry a jerk. Working a meaningless job and outsourcing childcare just in case you end up divorced sounds like a terrible way to live one's life.

Anonymous wrote:My CEO sister’s husband is the stay at home dad to two kids and I am a stay at home mom with two kids to my busy law firm partner husband. My sister judges me for being SAH and then boasts about her amazing husband ) who “does so much for the family” ….
For some reason it’s cool and respectable to be a man who raises the kids but not for a woman. And no one whispers about what will her husband do when they are 50 and divorced ….

Many of these men have affairs with nannies or gym instructors etc but their wives ignore it as ambition requires sacrifices. They do divorce after kids are more independent.

*most of these sahp spouses (both genders) have professional degrees and are pretty intelligent but as immigrants more skeptical of outsourcing childcare without constant supervision so if they decide to be a dual career family, they've to have a grandparent able and willing to move in and taking over parenting.

My CEO sister’s husband is the stay at home dad to two kids and I am a stay at home mom with two kids to my busy law firm partner husband. My sister judges me for being SAH and then boasts about her amazing husband ) who “does so much for the family” ….
For some reason it’s cool and respectable to be a man who raises the kids but not for a woman. And no one whispers about what will her husband do when they are 50 and divorced ….

Many of my physician friends (mostly immigrants) have stay at home spouses and it seems to work well for everyone. Some do have side gigs but most have hobbies or volunteer.

Once kids left for colleges and jobs, instead of unemployed spouse going back to work, working spouses retired or went part time LOCUM or consulting route so both can travel and enjoy mutual interests together.