OP, you need to support to the fullest extent your daughter being able to choose UMD. While I don’t agree, maybe it’s within the range of reasonable for DH to not fund an out of state school. It is not acceptable, however, for him to not fund the in-state option. That is abusively controlling of both you and DD. This is why people are saying you have a DH problem. I agree that counseling is in order. If he’s fairly reasonable and rational otherwise, maybe no one including you has adequately explained why parts of his stance are reasonable even if others disagree but other parts are unreasonable and inappropriate.

All that said, I do think U Mich is a good transfer option. My kid is there and I have tons of relatives who went through.

Is she surrounded by competitive Asian math nerds who grind and have no fun?

I would consider divorce. Assume the husband's view and controlling behavior are par for the course. Divorce get half the estate and then pay for what you think you should, mom. And you need to earn your own salary.

Suggest that she emancipate herself so that she is destitute and then she can likely get full rides. Also, daughter will no longer have a relationship with controlling dad. Sounds like a win-win. Mom should likely remind dad that how he handles this will likely impact his future relationship with his daughter and any grandkids that are created. He's being a short-sighted dick.

Anonymous wrote:I’m laughing at the posters who are baffled by DD’s “incoherent” list of transfer schools. The not so subliminal message is clear. She’s a very smart young woman who likely painted herself into a corner for the brass ring of Ivy acceptance. Dad likely provided the paint. She will be academically successful anywhere. But she is desperate for fun! Work/life balance is not a cop out.

OP— I think it will be therapeutic for her to just apply to multiple schools. It’s empowering in and of itself. Chances are she’ll settle into a happier groove. Maybe not, and that’s ok! She should apply to some happy, sunshine states— Davidson, Vanderbilt, Duke. Friend has two kids, both brilliant. One at Williams. Her daughter is a math major at Davidson. Guess who’s happier?

LOL ! Right back at you.

Columbia & NYC are both stressful environments. The daughter's list of schools in an incoherent overreaction.

I would divorce a dude like this.

I’m laughing at the posters who are baffled by DD’s “incoherent” list of transfer schools. The not so subliminal message is clear. She’s a very smart young woman who likely painted herself into a corner for the brass ring of Ivy acceptance. Dad likely provided the paint. She will be academically successful anywhere. But she is desperate for fun! Work/life balance is not a cop out.

OP— I think it will be therapeutic for her to just apply to multiple schools. It’s empowering in and of itself. Chances are she’ll settle into a happier groove. Maybe not, and that’s ok! She should apply to some happy, sunshine states— Davidson, Vanderbilt, Duke. Friend has two kids, both brilliant. One at Williams. Her daughter is a math major at Davidson. Guess who’s happier?

This is why you need access to your own money. Teach your DD to do better them you in that regard. I don't understand. You don't have joint accounts?

I didn't read this whole thread but I think it's sad for your DD and I would try to talk your DH out of his unreasonable position.

I have 2 kids in college both at schools on your DD's new list and both are happy and also challenged. One is about to graduate from Miami in their honors (Foote Fellow) program with a double major. He is well positioned for a job after graduation and also loved college. No Ivy league degree.

I don’t know what Ivy she is at, but I went to Yale and there were certainly kid’s shoes were really focused on academics and very competitive m, especially in STEM and the pre-med tracks. But, there were also plenty of kids who weren’t. Did she try a bunch of different clubs? Most Ivys have a big service culture and there are lots of programs to volunteer at local schools and tutoring programs. She could try intermural sports, a new workout routine, or getting an on campus job. My high strung pre-med roommate worked in the dining hall to get a break. For most on campus jobs you don’t need to be on FA. I definitely didn’t find all the available social groups my first semester.

Before she transfers, I would help her brainstorm ways to explore the different social groups and activities available on her current campus. If she is depressed and can’t put herself out there and be open to new experiences, get her some mental health help. She won’t magically be able to do this at a new campus if she isn’t mentally well.

dcmom12345 wrote:To add- we live in Maryland so I brought up in UMD as an option with DD seemed okay with but DH put on list of "will not pay for". He gave a list of universities he would consider acceptable which was limited to Chicago, Duke, MIT, Stanford, Caltech, AWS, JHU, Northwestern, RICE, Vandy, Michigan, and Berkeley.

Tell him no wonder his brilliant daughter is stressed out and miserable. He's locked her in a very tiny cage and defined what "success" is for her like she's a five year old.

Learning to fail is part of adulthood. It makes better adults.

But I understand your husband wanting her to go to a college with rigor where she'd be challenged. I'd have a hard time having a kid go from an ivy to Florida State too--but there's a lot between those choices.

Maybe your daughter should take a look at some more SLACs: Amherst, Carlton, Grinnell, Pomona, that kind of thing.

UW Madison sounds like a perfect fit. They send 54 kids to Harvard last year for graduate school.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

dcmom12345 wrote:I agree and offered my support for her to transfer. The issue is I can't pay for it alone and DH won't contribute.

Well you have a DH issue, not a daughter issue.

+1 I’d be calling a divorce lawyer.

That’s because you are stupid. This won’t solve DDs problem.

Anonymous wrote:

dcmom12345 wrote:I agree and offered my support for her to transfer. The issue is I can't pay for it alone and DH won't contribute.

Well you have a DH issue, not a daughter issue.

+1 I’d be calling a divorce lawyer.

DH want allow it? wtf??

Just move out of the “bedroom” till he comes back to his senses..