Anonymous
Post 11/09/2023 10:54     Subject: I hate where we live.
Wait, op, how has your family been so helpful if you live far away? That makes me really wonder. Even if they fly in every Monday to help with the kids, it’s likely that the health issue you mention will stop some of their helpfulness should you move back.

I also wonder why you are so depressed when you have wholesome things to go do.. there is nothing different about the pta back home for example. You may think that PTA when you were a kid was magical and that’s good, it means the men and women running it did a good job. There is now no longer a small town where your kid can bring Grandpa’s gun in for show and tell, or where you won’t have to fill out a background check to volunteer in your kid’s class.
Y
Ou almost write about your husband like he’s the family dog, he’ll work remote, it doesn’t matter where he lives so long as he’s got his computer. Be careful, op. He may sign one of your kids up for baseball or whatever only to find that the coach is a real jerk. His tolerance will be a lot less for that sort of nonsense because he moved at your behest and he’ll be thinking “We had a great team where we lived, now my son may not be playing baseball because I absolutely cannot stand the coach and all because wife wanted to move. People get divorced over things like this. Some people have affairs. Some people drink. It’s a big ask and from what you’ve written, I don’t think will make you happy.

Now, if you lived in a neighborhood where you didn’t feel safe (I have and it’s miserable) or your husband didn’t know or care what activities the kids did or worse yet thought they didn’t need activities because we “made our own fun” or whatever weird thing he’s going to say, then yes, by all means move, and no, frankly, at that point, I’d not factor him in at all, and yes, at that point I would openly say to him “you *work* here, you don’t *live* here” or “You *sleep* here, you don’t *live* here”. It sounds like he’s involved and your kids are doing age-appropriate things. It sounds like you’ve got things you can do, you just “don’t wanna”. A move won’t make that sort of feeling better. You say you do church, clubs, kid activities, that’s really what most moms are doing. If that doesn’t make you happy, a move won’t fix it. It’s not like your home town is a black hole and once you cross the event horizon nobody can ever leave. They may not leave, and there may be reasons behind that not leaving that you don’t like. You sound so depressed and miserable that I might tell you I’m moving away solely to not have to see or hear from you anymore. I’ve been around women like you, have to deal with one at church, and being around her makes me want to go to a bar, have a stiff drink and tell filthy jokes for an hour. Like you, I can’t figure out wtf is her problem, she’s got a husband and kid, she’s a stay at home mom, she’s got church and things to do and still just miserable to be around. I am sorry for your husband and kids. Pull yourself together, op.

Anonymous
Post 11/09/2023 10:51     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:
What am I missing ?


See the above post. You're missing the elephant in the room: that you should get off DCUM and touch some grass. Most users (whether they're aware of it or not) come here to get their aggression on. People whining about where they live are an easy target.

Anonymous
Post 11/09/2023 10:48     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I empathize. I'm counting down the days when I can move back to Boston/New England. We moved here before the pandemic due to my husband's job. It became permanently remote. Now it's harder to move back because we have a kid and my husband feels rooted here. It's a constant source of tension in our marriage.

Moving is not a magic pill but that doesn't mean where you live has no impact on your mental health and outlook in look. It's not either/or. I was able to live in Boston for a month this past summer, and I instantly felt a huge difference. Yes, there were still tough days - kids will still get sick, you still worry about everyday problems, but what did disappear was the CONSTANT RESENTMENT toward my husband.

To PPs who suggested "work on yourself," that was actually easier for me to do in Boston. Once I was there, I felt a great sense of agency because I could no longer blame my husband for all my unhappiness, frustrations, anxiety, etc. Whereas being stuck in DMV I could always point to "being stuck here" as the root of all my problems. It made me feel angry and helpless all the time.

Working on your own mental capacity to be happy has its limits. Not everyone can adjust to anywhere and everywhere. If so that argument can easily apply to your husband - surely he can work that mental magic and get excited about living in a new place?

Can you start concretely planning for the life you want and show your husband what that would look like? Show him what housing would look like there. How it might impact family finances. The good thing is you have a job and you are not dependent on him. At some point if he's totally unwilling to acknowledge your unhappiness, show him through action you have agency and you can leave. I don't mean dump the kids and divorce, but signal to him that you rent a place there, move with the kids, and he can decide to come along or not.

Don't ever let people convince you that "this area is great and something's wrong with you for not loving it here." It takes a lot of money and constant striving to live well here. I find people who are materially comfortable here tend to be very insecure when faced with criticism of the area. Probably because a big part of their identity is wrapped up in the life they established here - buying that expensive house, having that impressive sounding title, getting their kids into whatever fancy school, etc.

You're not alone! There are many of us DMV-haters out there, quietly plotting our escape.


As a long time reader of this board, there is sadly a lot of truth to this. I know friends who left Chicago (weather, issue with public schools), deep south (weather, lack of culture), NYC (too expensive). When they were contemplating the relocation their local community were by and large understanding/sympathetic. They recognize no place is perfect. But on this board? Any time you there is a "I hate it here and want to leave" you are told you are the problem. Go get therapy.


The thing is, on this board, the people who hate it here often frame it as attacks on the people who live here. The comments are things like "everyone here wants to use you for something," "places like DC are full of jerks," "no one cares about anyone but themselves." This OP isn't doing that, but when your starting premise is "I hate here because y'all are all jerks" don't be surprised when people act like you just called them a jerk, because you did.


DP here. Except that you think it's all about you - no one is calling you as a person out when they say "I don't like it here".

If the locals ask for examples, but then don't approve of the examples, you are showing reason why people don't like it here, so it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy for the locals who try to point the finger back at OP (gaslight).


I don't care if people move or don't like it here. It's not big deal to me.

I'm just saying if you go on to a thread full of people from the DC area and say "everyone here is a jerk" (which happens whenever we have these threads) don't act surprised when people are offended by that. If you went to the rural Southern town I'm from and said "I hate it here, the people are dumb and there's meth everywhere" (the complaints I hear from friends back home) people would get upset.
Anonymous
Post 11/09/2023 10:45     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I empathize. I'm counting down the days when I can move back to Boston/New England. We moved here before the pandemic due to my husband's job. It became permanently remote. Now it's harder to move back because we have a kid and my husband feels rooted here. It's a constant source of tension in our marriage.

Moving is not a magic pill but that doesn't mean where you live has no impact on your mental health and outlook in look. It's not either/or. I was able to live in Boston for a month this past summer, and I instantly felt a huge difference. Yes, there were still tough days - kids will still get sick, you still worry about everyday problems, but what did disappear was the CONSTANT RESENTMENT toward my husband.

To PPs who suggested "work on yourself," that was actually easier for me to do in Boston. Once I was there, I felt a great sense of agency because I could no longer blame my husband for all my unhappiness, frustrations, anxiety, etc. Whereas being stuck in DMV I could always point to "being stuck here" as the root of all my problems. It made me feel angry and helpless all the time.

Working on your own mental capacity to be happy has its limits. Not everyone can adjust to anywhere and everywhere. If so that argument can easily apply to your husband - surely he can work that mental magic and get excited about living in a new place?

Can you start concretely planning for the life you want and show your husband what that would look like? Show him what housing would look like there. How it might impact family finances. The good thing is you have a job and you are not dependent on him. At some point if he's totally unwilling to acknowledge your unhappiness, show him through action you have agency and you can leave. I don't mean dump the kids and divorce, but signal to him that you rent a place there, move with the kids, and he can decide to come along or not.

Don't ever let people convince you that "this area is great and something's wrong with you for not loving it here." It takes a lot of money and constant striving to live well here. I find people who are materially comfortable here tend to be very insecure when faced with criticism of the area. Probably because a big part of their identity is wrapped up in the life they established here - buying that expensive house, having that impressive sounding title, getting their kids into whatever fancy school, etc.

You're not alone! There are many of us DMV-haters out there, quietly plotting our escape.



God this is so true. Here are some DCUM classics :

“Schools are bad” - no they are not / you can’t afford to go private? Can’t even afford to live in Bethesda?

“I hate the commute” - well too bad you live in Lorton you loser

“I hate the weather here, can’t handle summers “ - well i don’t have mosquitos where I live / you can’t afford to get away for the summer?!

“People are career obsessed here” - you are just antisocial / suck at making friends. Maybe you need therapy.

“Hard to make friends here, mom groups are clique-ey” - ditto as above. You need therapy. You sound anxious. You are overthinking. You lack social graces.

“There’s no culture here” - have you heard of the Kennedy center? And the free museums? You sounds pretentious.


“I want to get out of the rat race and go somewhere more laid back” - sure you redneck , go back to Alabama. Just don’t forget , no free museums there

“I don’t like the suburbs here ” - you can’t afford to live in Old Town? Or Chevy Chase?

“Worried about urban crime” - you’re fearmongering, you’re too fragile / have you heard of old town? Or Chevy chase?

What am I missing ?



Anonymous
Post 11/09/2023 10:41     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:
As a long time reader of this board, there is sadly a lot of truth to this. I know friends who left Chicago (weather, issue with public schools), deep south (weather, lack of culture), NYC (too expensive). When they were contemplating the relocation their local community were by and large understanding/sympathetic. They recognize no place is perfect. But on this board? Any time you there is a "I hate it here and want to leave" you are told you are the problem. Go get therapy.


You and others in this thread are conflating DMV residents with DCUM.

IRL, most people in the DMV readily admit the faults of the DMV (traffic, the "swamp", politicians, etc). On an anonymous online forum, otherwise normal people become vicious. This is no surprise -- there's a good body of research that shows how anonymity erodes empathy.

As users here, you just shouldn't expect the same level of understanding/sympathy you'd receive from an IRL community.
Anonymous
Post 11/09/2023 10:38     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I empathize. I'm counting down the days when I can move back to Boston/New England. We moved here before the pandemic due to my husband's job. It became permanently remote. Now it's harder to move back because we have a kid and my husband feels rooted here. It's a constant source of tension in our marriage.

Moving is not a magic pill but that doesn't mean where you live has no impact on your mental health and outlook in look. It's not either/or. I was able to live in Boston for a month this past summer, and I instantly felt a huge difference. Yes, there were still tough days - kids will still get sick, you still worry about everyday problems, but what did disappear was the CONSTANT RESENTMENT toward my husband.

To PPs who suggested "work on yourself," that was actually easier for me to do in Boston. Once I was there, I felt a great sense of agency because I could no longer blame my husband for all my unhappiness, frustrations, anxiety, etc. Whereas being stuck in DMV I could always point to "being stuck here" as the root of all my problems. It made me feel angry and helpless all the time.

Working on your own mental capacity to be happy has its limits. Not everyone can adjust to anywhere and everywhere. If so that argument can easily apply to your husband - surely he can work that mental magic and get excited about living in a new place?

Can you start concretely planning for the life you want and show your husband what that would look like? Show him what housing would look like there. How it might impact family finances. The good thing is you have a job and you are not dependent on him. At some point if he's totally unwilling to acknowledge your unhappiness, show him through action you have agency and you can leave. I don't mean dump the kids and divorce, but signal to him that you rent a place there, move with the kids, and he can decide to come along or not.

Don't ever let people convince you that "this area is great and something's wrong with you for not loving it here." It takes a lot of money and constant striving to live well here. I find people who are materially comfortable here tend to be very insecure when faced with criticism of the area. Probably because a big part of their identity is wrapped up in the life they established here - buying that expensive house, having that impressive sounding title, getting their kids into whatever fancy school, etc.

You're not alone! There are many of us DMV-haters out there, quietly plotting our escape.


As a long time reader of this board, there is sadly a lot of truth to this. I know friends who left Chicago (weather, issue with public schools), deep south (weather, lack of culture), NYC (too expensive). When they were contemplating the relocation their local community were by and large understanding/sympathetic. They recognize no place is perfect. But on this board? Any time you there is a "I hate it here and want to leave" you are told you are the problem. Go get therapy.


The thing is, on this board, the people who hate it here often frame it as attacks on the people who live here. The comments are things like "everyone here wants to use you for something," "places like DC are full of jerks," "no one cares about anyone but themselves." This OP isn't doing that, but when your starting premise is "I hate here because y'all are all jerks" don't be surprised when people act like you just called them a jerk, because you did.


DP here. Except that you think it's all about you - no one is calling you as a person out when they say "I don't like it here".

If the locals ask for examples, but then don't approve of the examples, you are showing reason why people don't like it here, so it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy for the locals who try to point the finger back at OP (gaslight).


*calling you out
Anonymous
Post 11/09/2023 10:38     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I empathize. I'm counting down the days when I can move back to Boston/New England. We moved here before the pandemic due to my husband's job. It became permanently remote. Now it's harder to move back because we have a kid and my husband feels rooted here. It's a constant source of tension in our marriage.

Moving is not a magic pill but that doesn't mean where you live has no impact on your mental health and outlook in look. It's not either/or. I was able to live in Boston for a month this past summer, and I instantly felt a huge difference. Yes, there were still tough days - kids will still get sick, you still worry about everyday problems, but what did disappear was the CONSTANT RESENTMENT toward my husband.

To PPs who suggested "work on yourself," that was actually easier for me to do in Boston. Once I was there, I felt a great sense of agency because I could no longer blame my husband for all my unhappiness, frustrations, anxiety, etc. Whereas being stuck in DMV I could always point to "being stuck here" as the root of all my problems. It made me feel angry and helpless all the time.

Working on your own mental capacity to be happy has its limits. Not everyone can adjust to anywhere and everywhere. If so that argument can easily apply to your husband - surely he can work that mental magic and get excited about living in a new place?

Can you start concretely planning for the life you want and show your husband what that would look like? Show him what housing would look like there. How it might impact family finances. The good thing is you have a job and you are not dependent on him. At some point if he's totally unwilling to acknowledge your unhappiness, show him through action you have agency and you can leave. I don't mean dump the kids and divorce, but signal to him that you rent a place there, move with the kids, and he can decide to come along or not.

Don't ever let people convince you that "this area is great and something's wrong with you for not loving it here." It takes a lot of money and constant striving to live well here. I find people who are materially comfortable here tend to be very insecure when faced with criticism of the area. Probably because a big part of their identity is wrapped up in the life they established here - buying that expensive house, having that impressive sounding title, getting their kids into whatever fancy school, etc.

You're not alone! There are many of us DMV-haters out there, quietly plotting our escape.


As a long time reader of this board, there is sadly a lot of truth to this. I know friends who left Chicago (weather, issue with public schools), deep south (weather, lack of culture), NYC (too expensive). When they were contemplating the relocation their local community were by and large understanding/sympathetic. They recognize no place is perfect. But on this board? Any time you there is a "I hate it here and want to leave" you are told you are the problem. Go get therapy.


The thing is, on this board, the people who hate it here often frame it as attacks on the people who live here. The comments are things like "everyone here wants to use you for something," "places like DC are full of jerks," "no one cares about anyone but themselves." This OP isn't doing that, but when your starting premise is "I hate here because y'all are all jerks" don't be surprised when people act like you just called them a jerk, because you did.


DP here. Except that you think it's all about you - no one is calling you as a person out when they say "I don't like it here".

If the locals ask for examples, but then don't approve of the examples, you are showing reason why people don't like it here, so it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy for the locals who try to point the finger back at OP (gaslight).
Anonymous
Post 11/09/2023 10:19     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I empathize. I'm counting down the days when I can move back to Boston/New England. We moved here before the pandemic due to my husband's job. It became permanently remote. Now it's harder to move back because we have a kid and my husband feels rooted here. It's a constant source of tension in our marriage.

Moving is not a magic pill but that doesn't mean where you live has no impact on your mental health and outlook in look. It's not either/or. I was able to live in Boston for a month this past summer, and I instantly felt a huge difference. Yes, there were still tough days - kids will still get sick, you still worry about everyday problems, but what did disappear was the CONSTANT RESENTMENT toward my husband.

To PPs who suggested "work on yourself," that was actually easier for me to do in Boston. Once I was there, I felt a great sense of agency because I could no longer blame my husband for all my unhappiness, frustrations, anxiety, etc. Whereas being stuck in DMV I could always point to "being stuck here" as the root of all my problems. It made me feel angry and helpless all the time.

Working on your own mental capacity to be happy has its limits. Not everyone can adjust to anywhere and everywhere. If so that argument can easily apply to your husband - surely he can work that mental magic and get excited about living in a new place?

Can you start concretely planning for the life you want and show your husband what that would look like? Show him what housing would look like there. How it might impact family finances. The good thing is you have a job and you are not dependent on him. At some point if he's totally unwilling to acknowledge your unhappiness, show him through action you have agency and you can leave. I don't mean dump the kids and divorce, but signal to him that you rent a place there, move with the kids, and he can decide to come along or not.

Don't ever let people convince you that "this area is great and something's wrong with you for not loving it here." It takes a lot of money and constant striving to live well here. I find people who are materially comfortable here tend to be very insecure when faced with criticism of the area. Probably because a big part of their identity is wrapped up in the life they established here - buying that expensive house, having that impressive sounding title, getting their kids into whatever fancy school, etc.

You're not alone! There are many of us DMV-haters out there, quietly plotting our escape.


As a long time reader of this board, there is sadly a lot of truth to this. I know friends who left Chicago (weather, issue with public schools), deep south (weather, lack of culture), NYC (too expensive). When they were contemplating the relocation their local community were by and large understanding/sympathetic. They recognize no place is perfect. But on this board? Any time you there is a "I hate it here and want to leave" you are told you are the problem. Go get therapy.


The thing is, on this board, the people who hate it here often frame it as attacks on the people who live here. The comments are things like "everyone here wants to use you for something," "places like DC are full of jerks," "no one cares about anyone but themselves." This OP isn't doing that, but when your starting premise is "I hate here because y'all are all jerks" don't be surprised when people act like you just called them a jerk, because you did.
Anonymous
Post 11/09/2023 10:13     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I empathize. I'm counting down the days when I can move back to Boston/New England. We moved here before the pandemic due to my husband's job. It became permanently remote. Now it's harder to move back because we have a kid and my husband feels rooted here. It's a constant source of tension in our marriage.

Moving is not a magic pill but that doesn't mean where you live has no impact on your mental health and outlook in look. It's not either/or. I was able to live in Boston for a month this past summer, and I instantly felt a huge difference. Yes, there were still tough days - kids will still get sick, you still worry about everyday problems, but what did disappear was the CONSTANT RESENTMENT toward my husband.

To PPs who suggested "work on yourself," that was actually easier for me to do in Boston. Once I was there, I felt a great sense of agency because I could no longer blame my husband for all my unhappiness, frustrations, anxiety, etc. Whereas being stuck in DMV I could always point to "being stuck here" as the root of all my problems. It made me feel angry and helpless all the time.

Working on your own mental capacity to be happy has its limits. Not everyone can adjust to anywhere and everywhere. If so that argument can easily apply to your husband - surely he can work that mental magic and get excited about living in a new place?

Can you start concretely planning for the life you want and show your husband what that would look like? Show him what housing would look like there. How it might impact family finances. The good thing is you have a job and you are not dependent on him. At some point if he's totally unwilling to acknowledge your unhappiness, show him through action you have agency and you can leave. I don't mean dump the kids and divorce, but signal to him that you rent a place there, move with the kids, and he can decide to come along or not.

Don't ever let people convince you that "this area is great and something's wrong with you for not loving it here." It takes a lot of money and constant striving to live well here. I find people who are materially comfortable here tend to be very insecure when faced with criticism of the area. Probably because a big part of their identity is wrapped up in the life they established here - buying that expensive house, having that impressive sounding title, getting their kids into whatever fancy school, etc.

You're not alone! There are many of us DMV-haters out there, quietly plotting our escape.


As a long time reader of this board, there is sadly a lot of truth to this. I know friends who left Chicago (weather, issue with public schools), deep south (weather, lack of culture), NYC (too expensive). When they were contemplating the relocation their local community were by and large understanding/sympathetic. They recognize no place is perfect. But on this board? Any time you there is a "I hate it here and want to leave" you are told you are the problem. Go get therapy.
Anonymous
Post 11/09/2023 10:12     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I empathize. I'm counting down the days when I can move back to Boston/New England. We moved here before the pandemic due to my husband's job. It became permanently remote. Now it's harder to move back because we have a kid and my husband feels rooted here. It's a constant source of tension in our marriage.

Moving is not a magic pill but that doesn't mean where you live has no impact on your mental health and outlook in look. It's not either/or. I was able to live in Boston for a month this past summer, and I instantly felt a huge difference. Yes, there were still tough days - kids will still get sick, you still worry about everyday problems, but what did disappear was the CONSTANT RESENTMENT toward my husband.

To PPs who suggested "work on yourself," that was actually easier for me to do in Boston. Once I was there, I felt a great sense of agency because I could no longer blame my husband for all my unhappiness, frustrations, anxiety, etc. Whereas being stuck in DMV I could always point to "being stuck here" as the root of all my problems. It made me feel angry and helpless all the time.

Working on your own mental capacity to be happy has its limits. Not everyone can adjust to anywhere and everywhere. If so that argument can easily apply to your husband - surely he can work that mental magic and get excited about living in a new place?

Can you start concretely planning for the life you want and show your husband what that would look like? Show him what housing would look like there. How it might impact family finances. The good thing is you have a job and you are not dependent on him. At some point if he's totally unwilling to acknowledge your unhappiness, show him through action you have agency and you can leave. I don't mean dump the kids and divorce, but signal to him that you rent a place there, move with the kids, and he can decide to come along or not.

Don't ever let people convince you that "this area is great and something's wrong with you for not loving it here." It takes a lot of money and constant striving to live well here. I find people who are materially comfortable here tend to be very insecure when faced with criticism of the area. Probably because a big part of their identity is wrapped up in the life they established here - buying that expensive house, having that impressive sounding title, getting their kids into whatever fancy school, etc.

You're not alone! There are many of us DMV-haters out there, quietly plotting our escape.


As a long time reader of this board, there is sadly a lot of truth to this. I know friends who left Chicago (weather, issue with public schools), deep south (weather, lack of culture), NYC (too expensive). When they were contemplating the relocation their local community were by and large understanding/sympathetic. They recognize no place is perfect. But on this board? Any time you there is a "I hate it here and want to leave" you are told you are the problem. Go get therapy.
Anonymous
Post 11/09/2023 10:11     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I empathize. I'm counting down the days when I can move back to Boston/New England. We moved here before the pandemic due to my husband's job. It became permanently remote. Now it's harder to move back because we have a kid and my husband feels rooted here. It's a constant source of tension in our marriage.

Moving is not a magic pill but that doesn't mean where you live has no impact on your mental health and outlook in look. It's not either/or. I was able to live in Boston for a month this past summer, and I instantly felt a huge difference. Yes, there were still tough days - kids will still get sick, you still worry about everyday problems, but what did disappear was the CONSTANT RESENTMENT toward my husband.

To PPs who suggested "work on yourself," that was actually easier for me to do in Boston. Once I was there, I felt a great sense of agency because I could no longer blame my husband for all my unhappiness, frustrations, anxiety, etc. Whereas being stuck in DMV I could always point to "being stuck here" as the root of all my problems. It made me feel angry and helpless all the time.

Working on your own mental capacity to be happy has its limits. Not everyone can adjust to anywhere and everywhere. If so that argument can easily apply to your husband - surely he can work that mental magic and get excited about living in a new place?

Can you start concretely planning for the life you want and show your husband what that would look like? Show him what housing would look like there. How it might impact family finances. The good thing is you have a job and you are not dependent on him. At some point if he's totally unwilling to acknowledge your unhappiness, show him through action you have agency and you can leave. I don't mean dump the kids and divorce, but signal to him that you rent a place there, move with the kids, and he can decide to come along or not.

Don't ever let people convince you that "this area is great and something's wrong with you for not loving it here." It takes a lot of money and constant striving to live well here. I find people who are materially comfortable here tend to be very insecure when faced with criticism of the area. Probably because a big part of their identity is wrapped up in the life they established here - buying that expensive house, having that impressive sounding title, getting their kids into whatever fancy school, etc.

You're not alone! There are many of us DMV-haters out there, quietly plotting our escape.


As a long time reader of this board, there is sadly a lot of truth to this. I know friends who left Chicago (weather, issue with public schools), deep south (weather, lack of culture), NYC (too expensive). When they were contemplating the relocation their local community were by and large understanding/sympathetic. They recognize no place is perfect. But on this board? Any time you there is a "I hate it here and want to leave" you are told you are the problem. Go get therapy.
Anonymous
Post 11/09/2023 09:49     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I empathize. I'm counting down the days when I can move back to Boston/New England. We moved here before the pandemic due to my husband's job. It became permanently remote. Now it's harder to move back because we have a kid and my husband feels rooted here. It's a constant source of tension in our marriage.

Moving is not a magic pill but that doesn't mean where you live has no impact on your mental health and outlook in look. It's not either/or. I was able to live in Boston for a month this past summer, and I instantly felt a huge difference. Yes, there were still tough days - kids will still get sick, you still worry about everyday problems, but what did disappear was the CONSTANT RESENTMENT toward my husband.

To PPs who suggested "work on yourself," that was actually easier for me to do in Boston. Once I was there, I felt a great sense of agency because I could no longer blame my husband for all my unhappiness, frustrations, anxiety, etc. Whereas being stuck in DMV I could always point to "being stuck here" as the root of all my problems. It made me feel angry and helpless all the time.

Working on your own mental capacity to be happy has its limits. Not everyone can adjust to anywhere and everywhere. If so that argument can easily apply to your husband - surely he can work that mental magic and get excited about living in a new place?

Can you start concretely planning for the life you want and show your husband what that would look like? Show him what housing would look like there. How it might impact family finances. The good thing is you have a job and you are not dependent on him. At some point if he's totally unwilling to acknowledge your unhappiness, show him through action you have agency and you can leave. I don't mean dump the kids and divorce, but signal to him that you rent a place there, move with the kids, and he can decide to come along or not.

Don't ever let people convince you that "this area is great and something's wrong with you for not loving it here." It takes a lot of money and constant striving to live well here. I find people who are materially comfortable here tend to be very insecure when faced with criticism of the area. Probably because a big part of their identity is wrapped up in the life they established here - buying that expensive house, having that impressive sounding title, getting their kids into whatever fancy school, etc.

You're not alone! There are many of us DMV-haters out there, quietly plotting our escape.


+1000
Ever notice how the criticism piles whenever someone suggests they don’t like it here? Want to move somewhere more rural and relaxed? Education! school! The museums! The culture! Want to move somewhere more urban? Gasp! You’re crazy for calling DMV a suburban hellscape. There’s Chevy chase ! Capitol Hill!

Never have I been around people who are more defensive about where they live is the best. Even New Yorkers own up the the limitations of the city. But god forbid you point out DMV isn’t heaven on earth.


This is so true. I have lived in several parts of the country and these conversations simply do not happen there. They might have regional pride or be sad when someone the like moves away, but they are generally not *offended*. And I've never heard people in Minnesota, Colorado, California, or Texas (all places I've lived) get defensive about the idea that some people don't like it there or might choose to move elsewhere. Kind of built into those places is the idea that there is a specific culture, a lot of people there like the same things and have tolerances for the same downsides, and if someone doesn't like it or doesn't fit in, then sure they might leave and that's fine.

And yes to owning up to limitations. If you move out of Minneapolis because you can't handle the winters, no one there is confused about this or will try to convince you that actually the winters there are easier than in Atlanta. Same with California and traffic or Texas and the very Texas-specific culture stuff (gun culture, everything having to be very large for some reason). In some cases these are points of pride, so not only are they not defensive, they will say "yup, we love it, if you don't, go ahead and leave."

DC is the only place I've lived where people will gaslight you about obvious stuff the anyone can see. It's very strange and I think contributes to these feelings people have of wanting to leave because when you say "wow, it's hard to navigate public schools in DC" and then condescendingly tell you that actually it's very easy and the schools are amazing, it definitely gives you the sense that this is not the place for you.
Anonymous
Post 11/09/2023 09:39     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I empathize. I'm counting down the days when I can move back to Boston/New England. We moved here before the pandemic due to my husband's job. It became permanently remote. Now it's harder to move back because we have a kid and my husband feels rooted here. It's a constant source of tension in our marriage.

Moving is not a magic pill but that doesn't mean where you live has no impact on your mental health and outlook in look. It's not either/or. I was able to live in Boston for a month this past summer, and I instantly felt a huge difference. Yes, there were still tough days - kids will still get sick, you still worry about everyday problems, but what did disappear was the CONSTANT RESENTMENT toward my husband.

To PPs who suggested "work on yourself," that was actually easier for me to do in Boston. Once I was there, I felt a great sense of agency because I could no longer blame my husband for all my unhappiness, frustrations, anxiety, etc. Whereas being stuck in DMV I could always point to "being stuck here" as the root of all my problems. It made me feel angry and helpless all the time.

Working on your own mental capacity to be happy has its limits. Not everyone can adjust to anywhere and everywhere. If so that argument can easily apply to your husband - surely he can work that mental magic and get excited about living in a new place?

Can you start concretely planning for the life you want and show your husband what that would look like? Show him what housing would look like there. How it might impact family finances. The good thing is you have a job and you are not dependent on him. At some point if he's totally unwilling to acknowledge your unhappiness, show him through action you have agency and you can leave. I don't mean dump the kids and divorce, but signal to him that you rent a place there, move with the kids, and he can decide to come along or not.

Don't ever let people convince you that "this area is great and something's wrong with you for not loving it here." It takes a lot of money and constant striving to live well here. I find people who are materially comfortable here tend to be very insecure when faced with criticism of the area. Probably because a big part of their identity is wrapped up in the life they established here - buying that expensive house, having that impressive sounding title, getting their kids into whatever fancy school, etc.

You're not alone! There are many of us DMV-haters out there, quietly plotting our escape.


+1000
Ever notice how the criticism piles whenever someone suggests they don’t like it here? Want to move somewhere more rural and relaxed? Education! school! The museums! The culture! Want to move somewhere more urban? Gasp! You’re crazy for calling DMV a suburban hellscape. There’s Chevy chase ! Capitol Hill!

Never have I been around people who are more defensive about where they live is the best. Even New Yorkers own up the the limitations of the city. But god forbid you point out DMV isn’t heaven on earth.


+1 Preach.


don't forget the "excellent" weather here, as long as you can afford a vacation house up north or belong to a country club and have pool access in the summer.
Anonymous
Post 11/09/2023 09:37     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wherever you go, there you are.

Until you can relocate work on finding happiness here. It can’t all be location based. Go see your family if you’re homesick. Fill the cup. Find ways to connect from afar AND how to ground yourself here. Fixating on what you don’t have will make everything worse.


I really hate this phrase, because place matters. I’ve lived in two places that I really didn’t like and once I moved it made a huge difference, it was like a weight was taken off my shoulders.


+1. I'm sure these posters would be fine moving to remote North Dakota, after all, they can find happiness anywhere.


LOL good point.


There is a reason that I moved here from the Great Plains region. You don’t know cold until you’ve endured a polar vortex for 5-7 days, schools are cancelled, and everyone is homebound trying to stay warm. Did I mention the humidity in the summer? It is like living in a car wash.

Sure, you can purchase a house for $200k. Good luck finding a decent paying job. You go girl!
Anonymous
Post 11/09/2023 09:29     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I empathize. I'm counting down the days when I can move back to Boston/New England. We moved here before the pandemic due to my husband's job. It became permanently remote. Now it's harder to move back because we have a kid and my husband feels rooted here. It's a constant source of tension in our marriage.

Moving is not a magic pill but that doesn't mean where you live has no impact on your mental health and outlook in look. It's not either/or. I was able to live in Boston for a month this past summer, and I instantly felt a huge difference. Yes, there were still tough days - kids will still get sick, you still worry about everyday problems, but what did disappear was the CONSTANT RESENTMENT toward my husband.

To PPs who suggested "work on yourself," that was actually easier for me to do in Boston. Once I was there, I felt a great sense of agency because I could no longer blame my husband for all my unhappiness, frustrations, anxiety, etc. Whereas being stuck in DMV I could always point to "being stuck here" as the root of all my problems. It made me feel angry and helpless all the time.

Working on your own mental capacity to be happy has its limits. Not everyone can adjust to anywhere and everywhere. If so that argument can easily apply to your husband - surely he can work that mental magic and get excited about living in a new place?

Can you start concretely planning for the life you want and show your husband what that would look like? Show him what housing would look like there. How it might impact family finances. The good thing is you have a job and you are not dependent on him. At some point if he's totally unwilling to acknowledge your unhappiness, show him through action you have agency and you can leave. I don't mean dump the kids and divorce, but signal to him that you rent a place there, move with the kids, and he can decide to come along or not.

Don't ever let people convince you that "this area is great and something's wrong with you for not loving it here." It takes a lot of money and constant striving to live well here. I find people who are materially comfortable here tend to be very insecure when faced with criticism of the area. Probably because a big part of their identity is wrapped up in the life they established here - buying that expensive house, having that impressive sounding title, getting their kids into whatever fancy school, etc.

You're not alone! There are many of us DMV-haters out there, quietly plotting our escape.

So much wrong with your post and your opinions. You can't blame your husband for your misery because yo are the creator of it. He is not responsible for making you happy. How can you fail to see that?
Unless he is an abusive POS, a narc, or similar, nobody can even be responsible for your happiness but you.


Your spouse is absolutely part of the equation when it comes to personal happiness. Half of the posts here wouldn't exist if only "POS, narc.." can be responsible for marital unhappiness, which plays a big part in personal happiness. PP is referring to the issue of simmering resentment that can build up with one spouse refuses to empathize with or understand why his wife may be unhappy with where they live, refuses to try something different when - for all we know - it does not come at a detriment to his career.