Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s part of growing up. Maybe they are not really her friends. Find a wider friend group or different friends. It’s painful, but life.

OP here. Yes she has come to that conclusion. It has been a tough week for her. She had to listen to how great the party was on Monday by some "friends" that are not too self aware. The friend who had the party is one that I've been asked to give rides to and include in a number of things by her mom. I am staying out of it, but I will no longer drive her anywhere in the future. DD is chin up, but she is happy it's Friday.

My DD is going through something similar. Friends that she introduced have been hanging out regularly and not including her. It's extremely painful. One of the other kids was new to the area and my DD was the first to accept her and include her and introduce her to these other girls.

I'll never make an accommodation for them or their families again. (And yes, they asked as recently as this week).

Same situation here. Introduced the new girl in town to her friends and now new girl is taking over the group and leaving dd out.

I'm still helping the family out with rides and stuff as long as my dd isn't objecting, though I admit it is hard. Friend groups can shift quickly at this age and dd still likes her original friends too much to move on.

Why are you still helping the family with rides? That sends the wrong message. Talk to your DD about having self respect. Your DD is worthy of friends who treat her well. She needs to move on if her old friends are going along with excluding her.

Many reasons, including helping a new neighbor mom whose spouse is overseas a lot.

My daughter still is friends with many in the group, so I'm not going to have her be the bad guy and start excluding the new girl.

So you won't help people who treat your daughter like crap unless it's inconvenient for them? Having a spouse overseas is NOT a good reason to support take the side of the mean girl against your own daughter. You're letting everyone know that you're still ready, willing, and able to be a doormat even if they mistreat your child. You're prioritizing the other family's convenience over basic respect for your child. You're sending the wrong message to your daughter and teaching her to be a permanent victim.

Are your daughter's friends going along with excluding her or not? You say they are but then claim that your daughter is still friends with them. It's either or.

You need to teach your daughter to push back every single time someone does or says something unkind to her. I had to teach my own teen that when a few girls were being jerks to her on her sports team last year as a Freshman. DD started pushing back every time and they left her alone and moved on to other victims. It worked really quickly. I also stopped giving them rides. No notice. Just sorry our schedule has changed and we can no longer do carpool. Their parents had to miss work to cover the shifts but that's not my problem. The older girls on the team really like DD and she managed to turn the tables. Now the older girls dislike the mean girls and all but one of the mean girls quit this year. The older girls complained about the remaining mean girl and she lost her position (she really does suck at the sport though), so she's neutralized for now. Things never would have gotten better if we still acted like doormats.

Couldn’t agree more with this. I’ve had to teach my nice kids how to stand up for themselves and it works like a charm. The mean kids need to be put in their places. My kids don’t exclude and are always the nice ones, but I’ve had to coach them on how to not take shit from anyone.

This may work for outright meanness. For more subtle exclusion, it's not cut and dry. I don't think it's makes sense to teach my daughter to make a huge fuss if she's not invited to a sleepover or if she's left off a text thread.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s part of growing up. Maybe they are not really her friends. Find a wider friend group or different friends. It’s painful, but life.

OP here. Yes she has come to that conclusion. It has been a tough week for her. She had to listen to how great the party was on Monday by some "friends" that are not too self aware. The friend who had the party is one that I've been asked to give rides to and include in a number of things by her mom. I am staying out of it, but I will no longer drive her anywhere in the future. DD is chin up, but she is happy it's Friday.

My DD is going through something similar. Friends that she introduced have been hanging out regularly and not including her. It's extremely painful. One of the other kids was new to the area and my DD was the first to accept her and include her and introduce her to these other girls.

I'll never make an accommodation for them or their families again. (And yes, they asked as recently as this week).

Same situation here. Introduced the new girl in town to her friends and now new girl is taking over the group and leaving dd out.

I'm still helping the family out with rides and stuff as long as my dd isn't objecting, though I admit it is hard. Friend groups can shift quickly at this age and dd still likes her original friends too much to move on.

Why are you still helping the family with rides? That sends the wrong message. Talk to your DD about having self respect. Your DD is worthy of friends who treat her well. She needs to move on if her old friends are going along with excluding her.

Many reasons, including helping a new neighbor mom whose spouse is overseas a lot.

My daughter still is friends with many in the group, so I'm not going to have her be the bad guy and start excluding the new girl.

So you won't help people who treat your daughter like crap unless it's inconvenient for them? Having a spouse overseas is NOT a good reason to support take the side of the mean girl against your own daughter. You're letting everyone know that you're still ready, willing, and able to be a doormat even if they mistreat your child. You're prioritizing the other family's convenience over basic respect for your child. You're sending the wrong message to your daughter and teaching her to be a permanent victim.

Are your daughter's friends going along with excluding her or not? You say they are but then claim that your daughter is still friends with them. It's either or.

You need to teach your daughter to push back every single time someone does or says something unkind to her. I had to teach my own teen that when a few girls were being jerks to her on her sports team last year as a Freshman. DD started pushing back every time and they left her alone and moved on to other victims. It worked really quickly. I also stopped giving them rides. No notice. Just sorry our schedule has changed and we can no longer do carpool. Their parents had to miss work to cover the shifts but that's not my problem. The older girls on the team really like DD and she managed to turn the tables. Now the older girls dislike the mean girls and all but one of the mean girls quit this year. The older girls complained about the remaining mean girl and she lost her position (she really does suck at the sport though), so she's neutralized for now. Things never would have gotten better if we still acted like doormats.

Couldn’t agree more with this. I’ve had to teach my nice kids how to stand up for themselves and it works like a charm. The mean kids need to be put in their places. My kids don’t exclude and are always the nice ones, but I’ve had to coach them on how to not take shit from anyone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s part of growing up. Maybe they are not really her friends. Find a wider friend group or different friends. It’s painful, but life.

OP here. Yes she has come to that conclusion. It has been a tough week for her. She had to listen to how great the party was on Monday by some "friends" that are not too self aware. The friend who had the party is one that I've been asked to give rides to and include in a number of things by her mom. I am staying out of it, but I will no longer drive her anywhere in the future. DD is chin up, but she is happy it's Friday.

My DD is going through something similar. Friends that she introduced have been hanging out regularly and not including her. It's extremely painful. One of the other kids was new to the area and my DD was the first to accept her and include her and introduce her to these other girls.

I'll never make an accommodation for them or their families again. (And yes, they asked as recently as this week).

Same situation here. Introduced the new girl in town to her friends and now new girl is taking over the group and leaving dd out.

I'm still helping the family out with rides and stuff as long as my dd isn't objecting, though I admit it is hard. Friend groups can shift quickly at this age and dd still likes her original friends too much to move on.

Why are you still helping the family with rides? That sends the wrong message. Talk to your DD about having self respect. Your DD is worthy of friends who treat her well. She needs to move on if her old friends are going along with excluding her.

Many reasons, including helping a new neighbor mom whose spouse is overseas a lot.

My daughter still is friends with many in the group, so I'm not going to have her be the bad guy and start excluding the new girl.

So you won't help people who treat your daughter like crap unless it's inconvenient for them? Having a spouse overseas is NOT a good reason to support take the side of the mean girl against your own daughter. You're letting everyone know that you're still ready, willing, and able to be a doormat even if they mistreat your child. You're prioritizing the other family's convenience over basic respect for your child. You're sending the wrong message to your daughter and teaching her to be a permanent victim.

Are your daughter's friends going along with excluding her or not? You say they are but then claim that your daughter is still friends with them. It's either or.

You need to teach your daughter to push back every single time someone does or says something unkind to her. I had to teach my own teen that when a few girls were being jerks to her on her sports team last year as a Freshman. DD started pushing back every time and they left her alone and moved on to other victims. It worked really quickly. I also stopped giving them rides. No notice. Just sorry our schedule has changed and we can no longer do carpool. Their parents had to miss work to cover the shifts but that's not my problem. The older girls on the team really like DD and she managed to turn the tables. Now the older girls dislike the mean girls and all but one of the mean girls quit this year. The older girls complained about the remaining mean girl and she lost her position (she really does suck at the sport though), so she's neutralized for now. Things never would have gotten better if we still acted like doormats.

Couldn’t agree more with this. I’ve had to teach my nice kids how to stand up for themselves and it works like a charm. The mean kids need to be put in their places. My kids don’t exclude and are always the nice ones, but I’ve had to coach them on how to not take shit from anyone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s part of growing up. Maybe they are not really her friends. Find a wider friend group or different friends. It’s painful, but life.

OP here. Yes she has come to that conclusion. It has been a tough week for her. She had to listen to how great the party was on Monday by some "friends" that are not too self aware. The friend who had the party is one that I've been asked to give rides to and include in a number of things by her mom. I am staying out of it, but I will no longer drive her anywhere in the future. DD is chin up, but she is happy it's Friday.

My DD is going through something similar. Friends that she introduced have been hanging out regularly and not including her. It's extremely painful. One of the other kids was new to the area and my DD was the first to accept her and include her and introduce her to these other girls.

I'll never make an accommodation for them or their families again. (And yes, they asked as recently as this week).

Same situation here. Introduced the new girl in town to her friends and now new girl is taking over the group and leaving dd out.

I'm still helping the family out with rides and stuff as long as my dd isn't objecting, though I admit it is hard. Friend groups can shift quickly at this age and dd still likes her original friends too much to move on.

Why are you still helping the family with rides? That sends the wrong message. Talk to your DD about having self respect. Your DD is worthy of friends who treat her well. She needs to move on if her old friends are going along with excluding her.

Many reasons, including helping a new neighbor mom whose spouse is overseas a lot.

My daughter still is friends with many in the group, so I'm not going to have her be the bad guy and start excluding the new girl.

So you won't help people who treat your daughter like crap unless it's inconvenient for them? Having a spouse overseas is NOT a good reason to support take the side of the mean girl against your own daughter. You're letting everyone know that you're still ready, willing, and able to be a doormat even if they mistreat your child. You're prioritizing the other family's convenience over basic respect for your child. You're sending the wrong message to your daughter and teaching her to be a permanent victim.

Are your daughter's friends going along with excluding her or not? You say they are but then claim that your daughter is still friends with them. It's either or.

You need to teach your daughter to push back every single time someone does or says something unkind to her. I had to teach my own teen that when a few girls were being jerks to her on her sports team last year as a Freshman. DD started pushing back every time and they left her alone and moved on to other victims. It worked really quickly. I also stopped giving them rides. No notice. Just sorry our schedule has changed and we can no longer do carpool. Their parents had to miss work to cover the shifts but that's not my problem. The older girls on the team really like DD and she managed to turn the tables. Now the older girls dislike the mean girls and all but one of the mean girls quit this year. The older girls complained about the remaining mean girl and she lost her position (she really does suck at the sport though), so she's neutralized for now. Things never would have gotten better if we still acted like doormats.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s part of growing up. Maybe they are not really her friends. Find a wider friend group or different friends. It’s painful, but life.

OP here. Yes she has come to that conclusion. It has been a tough week for her. She had to listen to how great the party was on Monday by some "friends" that are not too self aware. The friend who had the party is one that I've been asked to give rides to and include in a number of things by her mom. I am staying out of it, but I will no longer drive her anywhere in the future. DD is chin up, but she is happy it's Friday.

My DD is going through something similar. Friends that she introduced have been hanging out regularly and not including her. It's extremely painful. One of the other kids was new to the area and my DD was the first to accept her and include her and introduce her to these other girls.

I'll never make an accommodation for them or their families again. (And yes, they asked as recently as this week).

Same situation here. Introduced the new girl in town to her friends and now new girl is taking over the group and leaving dd out.

I'm still helping the family out with rides and stuff as long as my dd isn't objecting, though I admit it is hard. Friend groups can shift quickly at this age and dd still likes her original friends too much to move on.

Why are you still helping the family with rides? That sends the wrong message. Talk to your DD about having self respect. Your DD is worthy of friends who treat her well. She needs to move on if her old friends are going along with excluding her.

Many reasons, including helping a new neighbor mom whose spouse is overseas a lot.

My daughter still is friends with many in the group, so I'm not going to have her be the bad guy and start excluding the new girl.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s part of growing up. Maybe they are not really her friends. Find a wider friend group or different friends. It’s painful, but life.

OP here. Yes she has come to that conclusion. It has been a tough week for her. She had to listen to how great the party was on Monday by some "friends" that are not too self aware. The friend who had the party is one that I've been asked to give rides to and include in a number of things by her mom. I am staying out of it, but I will no longer drive her anywhere in the future. DD is chin up, but she is happy it's Friday.

My DD is going through something similar. Friends that she introduced have been hanging out regularly and not including her. It's extremely painful. One of the other kids was new to the area and my DD was the first to accept her and include her and introduce her to these other girls.

I'll never make an accommodation for them or their families again. (And yes, they asked as recently as this week).

Same situation here. Introduced the new girl in town to her friends and now new girl is taking over the group and leaving dd out.

I'm still helping the family out with rides and stuff as long as my dd isn't objecting, though I admit it is hard. Friend groups can shift quickly at this age and dd still likes her original friends too much to move on.

Why are you still helping the family with rides? That sends the wrong message. Talk to your DD about having self respect. Your DD is worthy of friends who treat her well. She needs to move on if her old friends are going along with excluding her.

Many reasons, including helping a new neighbor mom whose spouse is overseas a lot.

My daughter still is friends with many in the group, so I'm not going to have her be the bad guy and start excluding the new girl.

Maybe you should give your neighbor a hint about her daughter’s behavior…

But new friendships and groups seems to be the norm. And is it the norm that these new friend groups form around excluding one kid who was in the previous iteration of the group? That’s what this thread is about: excluding one kid. We’re not talking broader social dynamics here; even if friend groups are somewhat fluid, blatant exclusion still sucks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.

What would have been the preferable alternative?

Not pp but -
Go to a place within walking distance.
Ask another parent to drive and split up into two cars.
Trick or treat until 8:30 or 9 then everyone goes to their own home since it's a school night for most kids.
Hosting girl could have just a couple friends over so it's just not one single girl left out. Other girls could make their own plans or just go home without feeling like they are the only ones not invited

All good options. I think parents need to read this, internatize and then teach their kids. If the parents can't come up with ways to not single out one person, the kids aren't going to learn it either.

The parents who have kids who leave others out often model exclusionary behavior themselves.

I thought of two separate kids in our neighborhood who were purposely left out when I read this thread yesterday. Both kids perceived as weird and not cool.

Once kids turn 10, there is no more everyone is included. Friendships are fluid.

I wonder if these kids who are left out actually host or plan outings. We are the hang out house and we always host. I feel like I plan and do the inviting significantly more than others.

Wait these two kids were purposefully left out by your kids? I’m sure these kids do try to hang out and have events - but probably won’t be a hang out house like yours is. But recognize if the kids aren’t socially savvy, there is no chance they are inviting over. A big group of friends.

I don’t think she’s talking about the two kids hosting a big party. It’s probably more that the kids never invite people over to hang out on a random Tuesday or Saturday.

Pp here. I was asking OP if she ever hosted.

On any given day, I have a kid or two over my house. My kids only invited me their close friends. On Halloween, my 12 year old was invited to another child’s house to hang out and go trick or treating. I did not do the inviting. Neither did my 12yo. I invited two six year olds to my house. The two “weird” kids are not my child’s friends. Not only are they not good friends we would have over, they are not friends at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s part of growing up. Maybe they are not really her friends. Find a wider friend group or different friends. It’s painful, but life.

OP here. Yes she has come to that conclusion. It has been a tough week for her. She had to listen to how great the party was on Monday by some "friends" that are not too self aware. The friend who had the party is one that I've been asked to give rides to and include in a number of things by her mom. I am staying out of it, but I will no longer drive her anywhere in the future. DD is chin up, but she is happy it's Friday.

My DD is going through something similar. Friends that she introduced have been hanging out regularly and not including her. It's extremely painful. One of the other kids was new to the area and my DD was the first to accept her and include her and introduce her to these other girls.

I'll never make an accommodation for them or their families again. (And yes, they asked as recently as this week).

Same situation here. Introduced the new girl in town to her friends and now new girl is taking over the group and leaving dd out.

I'm still helping the family out with rides and stuff as long as my dd isn't objecting, though I admit it is hard. Friend groups can shift quickly at this age and dd still likes her original friends too much to move on.

Why are you still helping the family with rides? That sends the wrong message. Talk to your DD about having self respect. Your DD is worthy of friends who treat her well. She needs to move on if her old friends are going along with excluding her.

Many reasons, including helping a new neighbor mom whose spouse is overseas a lot.

My daughter still is friends with many in the group, so I'm not going to have her be the bad guy and start excluding the new girl.

Anonymous wrote:It might be an innocent oversight. Your daughter need to tell her friend "I felt really hurt when I want invited to the party" and leave it at that. My guess is the friend will be embarrassed and come up with some half arsed response of something your daughter did. Then they'll be friends again. For you - STAY OUT OF IT! The kids are learning social skills and must navigate this with you there for advice and support for your daughter - that's where your job ends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s part of growing up. Maybe they are not really her friends. Find a wider friend group or different friends. It’s painful, but life.

OP here. Yes she has come to that conclusion. It has been a tough week for her. She had to listen to how great the party was on Monday by some "friends" that are not too self aware. The friend who had the party is one that I've been asked to give rides to and include in a number of things by her mom. I am staying out of it, but I will no longer drive her anywhere in the future. DD is chin up, but she is happy it's Friday.

My DD is going through something similar. Friends that she introduced have been hanging out regularly and not including her. It's extremely painful. One of the other kids was new to the area and my DD was the first to accept her and include her and introduce her to these other girls.

I'll never make an accommodation for them or their families again. (And yes, they asked as recently as this week).

Same situation here. Introduced the new girl in town to her friends and now new girl is taking over the group and leaving dd out.

I'm still helping the family out with rides and stuff as long as my dd isn't objecting, though I admit it is hard. Friend groups can shift quickly at this age and dd still likes her original friends too much to move on.

Why are you still helping the family with rides? That sends the wrong message. Talk to your DD about having self respect. Your DD is worthy of friends who treat her well. She needs to move on if her old friends are going along with excluding her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think a lot of the above remarks are off base. HS friend groups are a bit fluid.

This. DC is a senior and quite a few friend groups have shifted. The boy groups seem to be holding steady, but all the girl groups have changed. Teen girls are sensitive and get their feelings hurt very easily - the wrong look or comment or too much time with another girl, new boyfriend/break up etc. Most of the problems could be avoided if they stopped tracking each other via social media and learned to actually talk to each other. But new friendships and groups seems to be the norm.

And is it the norm that these new friend groups form around excluding one kid who was in the previous iteration of the group? That’s what this thread is about: excluding one kid. We’re not talking broader social dynamics here; even if friend groups are somewhat fluid, blatant exclusion still sucks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow that’s awful. I’m wondering if it’s an oversight. As a parent I keep an eye on guest lists when parties are at my house. I thought most did.

By age 15, you are still in charge of the guest list? The way I usually see it work at that age is that a kid invites other kids over, not the parent. And because they are 15, invariably, kids are left off the text chain, so other kids hear about it by word of mouth and then show up. It’s not an elementary school party.

If they're going to be in my house, I absolutely get to approve the guest list.

Anonymous wrote:

I think a lot of the above remarks are off base. HS friend groups are a bit fluid.

This. DC is a senior and quite a few friend groups have shifted. The boy groups seem to be holding steady, but all the girl groups have changed. Teen girls are sensitive and get their feelings hurt very easily - the wrong look or comment or too much time with another girl, new boyfriend/break up etc. Most of the problems could be avoided if they stopped tracking each other via social media and learned to actually talk to each other. But new friendships and groups seems to be the norm.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow that’s awful. I’m wondering if it’s an oversight. As a parent I keep an eye on guest lists when parties are at my house. I thought most did.

By age 15, you are still in charge of the guest list? The way I usually see it work at that age is that a kid invites other kids over, not the parent. And because they are 15, invariably, kids are left off the text chain, so other kids hear about it by word of mouth and then show up. It’s not an elementary school party.