Anonymous
Post 07/04/2023 09:09     Subject: Re:SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This post made me feel sad for the kids involved. It would be nice for all the cousins to get together once in a while at least. I can imagine how hurtful it would be when the SIL tells them that the aunt and uncle don’t want to watch them. It doesn’t seem like a huge ask, and it would be the kind thing to do for the kids’ sake.


OP here -

You’re right. It would be nice for the kids. But one sleepover is not the be all, end all of any opportunities to get them together.


NP. But it kind of is, right? Based on the history you gave, they don’t respond to your requests for get-togethers and you see them only at birthdays and holidays. I don’t like my in-laws either but the kids are fine, and if the only way I could build any relationship between cousins would be to babysit here and there, I would do it (especially bc then I wouldn’t have to deal with the adult in-laws).

I think you’re afraid of watching three kids (I too am stretched thin with my two kids and am generally short on patience) but it’s really not terrible. You just need practice.


DP. It's fine that you would choose to accept/build a relationship with the kids thru unreciprocated babysitting, by being used. Some of us would choose differently. Neither is incorrect or wrong.

I wouldn't agree to this and it's not because I'm afraid of watching 3 kids. I had 3 kids in 3 years (now 20, 18, 17). There have been a lot of sleepovers at my house. I prefer to cultivate healthy, chosen family relationships - sometimes we also share genetic relationships, sometimes we don't. If I wouldn't accept the behavior in friends, I won't accept it in 'family'. You can make a different choice and that's fine but you should stop trying to ascribe different motivation to OP.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2023 08:59     Subject: Re:SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why does the subject line of the OP indicate that SIL asked something when she didn't?

Why is any of this about SIL, when it should be about the relationship DH wants to have with his brother, and the relationship each set of parents want the cousins to have?

Women hating on women is no exhasting.



LOL you clearly did not read most of the posts.


I actually did. What I see is that a brother asked another brother to watch his kids for the night.

OP made this about the SIL in her own mind and brought a ton of baggage. That she chooses to view this as about the dynamic with her SIL, and how she doesn’t like her, says a lot about how some women tend to view the world, and parenting, and family dynamics.


Oh? How could you miss that the SIL is the sister of OP's DH? It's all over her posts, including this on the very first page?

But, that's on my DH to develop that relationship with his sister and get the kids together.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2023 08:58     Subject: SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
OP, it sounds like your past issues with your SIL and BIL are making you not want to do this - and it is fine to say no for that reason.
However, your larger idea that since you have one child you will have quiet free time longer term is a fantasy. Your child is 4 now, but when they get older, it will involve a lot of playdates, going to events etc.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2023 08:56     Subject: Re:SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This post made me feel sad for the kids involved. It would be nice for all the cousins to get together once in a while at least. I can imagine how hurtful it would be when the SIL tells them that the aunt and uncle don’t want to watch them. It doesn’t seem like a huge ask, and it would be the kind thing to do for the kids’ sake.


OP here -

You’re right. It would be nice for the kids. But one sleepover is not the be all, end all of any opportunities to get them together.


NP. But it kind of is, right? Based on the history you gave, they don’t respond to your requests for get-togethers and you see them only at birthdays and holidays. I don’t like my in-laws either but the kids are fine, and if the only way I could build any relationship between cousins would be to babysit here and there, I would do it (especially bc then I wouldn’t have to deal with the adult in-laws).

I think you’re afraid of watching three kids (I too am stretched thin with my two kids and am generally short on patience) but it’s really not terrible. You just need practice.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2023 08:55     Subject: Re:SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
Anonymous wrote:Why does the subject line of the OP indicate that SIL asked something when she didn't?

Why is any of this about SIL, when it should be about the relationship DH wants to have with his brother, and the relationship each set of parents want the cousins to have?

Women hating on women is no exhasting.



You need to work on your reading comprehension. OP's SIL is her DH's sister. We don't even know if her DH has a brother.

In a hetero relationship, how often does the woman have primary responsibility for caring for kids? Do you think OP would be doing nothing if those kids came over? When they're homesick and crying, who do you think they'd prefer comfort them? Even if OP did nothing and her DH did everything, OP would still be impacted because her DH would be spending his time/energy on the kids and not be available to her.

You need to check your own internalized misogyny.

You
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2023 08:51     Subject: Re:SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why does the subject line of the OP indicate that SIL asked something when she didn't?

Why is any of this about SIL, when it should be about the relationship DH wants to have with his brother, and the relationship each set of parents want the cousins to have?

Women hating on women is no exhasting.



LOL you clearly did not read most of the posts.


I actually did. What I see is that a brother asked another brother to watch his kids for the night.

OP made this about the SIL in her own mind and brought a ton of baggage. That she chooses to view this as about the dynamic with her SIL, and how she doesn’t like her, says a lot about how some women tend to view the world, and parenting, and family dynamics.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2023 08:45     Subject: Re:SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
Anonymous wrote:Why does the subject line of the OP indicate that SIL asked something when she didn't?

Why is any of this about SIL, when it should be about the relationship DH wants to have with his brother, and the relationship each set of parents want the cousins to have?

Women hating on women is no exhasting.



LOL you clearly did not read most of the posts.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2023 08:42     Subject: SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you have an only child you should be very eager for him to start to make some sort of family / cousin connections. I bet he would be SO excited to have some other kids in the house! I can’t understand your POV


DP. Someone just had to grab onto the fact OP and her DH have one child, and turn this into "Oh no, poor only child with nooooo playmates."

No, PP, only children do not necessarily have to have close relationships with cousins, nor does an only child always feel "SO excited" to have other kids around. But you likely believe the myth that all children who don't have siblings are either desperately lonely all the time, or are terribly unsocialized blah blah....Let's get back to OP's actual issue since you cannot "understand [her] POV." OP has repeatedly asked the SIL about getting the kids together and SIL has never said yes. Don't try to turn this around as if OP is the one denying her kid "family/cousin connections." It's the SIL who is doing that, not OP. And OP does not need to force any connections just because she has an only child.


Eh, I dunno. There’s another *current* thread on this website about how only children are bored all the time. If it were me, I would lose the petty attitude and be the bigger person for the sake of my child (who, yes, would unquestionably be thrilled at having a sleepover with his cousins.)


There may be a genetic relationship but these children are strangers to each other. I don't know what your experience is but even when kids know, love and want a sleepover, many will get homesick and start crying for their parents.

Unless it were and emergency, I'd never leave my kids overnight without me at a place they weren't already familiar and comfortable with. I especially wouldn't do it if I wanted them to develop positive feeling about the place and people. Why can't they get someone to come to THEIR house where the kids would be more comfortable?
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2023 07:35     Subject: Re:SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
Why does the subject line of the OP indicate that SIL asked something when she didn't?

Why is any of this about SIL, when it should be about the relationship DH wants to have with his brother, and the relationship each set of parents want the cousins to have?

Women hating on women is no exhasting.

Anonymous
Post 07/04/2023 01:01     Subject: SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you have an only child you should be very eager for him to start to make some sort of family / cousin connections. I bet he would be SO excited to have some other kids in the house! I can’t understand your POV


DP. Someone just had to grab onto the fact OP and her DH have one child, and turn this into "Oh no, poor only child with nooooo playmates."

No, PP, only children do not necessarily have to have close relationships with cousins, nor does an only child always feel "SO excited" to have other kids around. But you likely believe the myth that all children who don't have siblings are either desperately lonely all the time, or are terribly unsocialized blah blah....Let's get back to OP's actual issue since you cannot "understand [her] POV." OP has repeatedly asked the SIL about getting the kids together and SIL has never said yes. Don't try to turn this around as if OP is the one denying her kid "family/cousin connections." It's the SIL who is doing that, not OP. And OP does not need to force any connections just because she has an only child.


Eh, I dunno. There’s another *current* thread on this website about how only children are bored all the time. If it were me, I would lose the petty attitude and be the bigger person for the sake of my child (who, yes, would unquestionably be thrilled at having a sleepover with his cousins.)
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2023 00:57     Subject: Re:SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
I agree with the posts about encouraging a relationship between the cousins, and that watching nieces or nephews for a bit is not such a big deal. However:

I don’t understand why they need an overnight sitter anyway- sounds like the reunion is in the same town that all of you live in? If that is correct, then I don’t see why they can’t get a babysitter and an Uber, like basically every other parent? It would probably be better for you to watch the kids for a few hours vs just jumping straight to an unnecessary overnight.

I’d be more understanding if they were, say, going to a wedding or a funeral/family emergency 2hr drive away or similar. In that case, with an overnight stay unavoidable, obviously family would be preferred over a sitter. But in this instance, just why? 🤷‍♀️ Just seems unnecessary.










Anonymous
Post 07/04/2023 00:27     Subject: SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
Anonymous wrote:If you have an only child you should be very eager for him to start to make some sort of family / cousin connections. I bet he would be SO excited to have some other kids in the house! I can’t understand your POV


DP. Someone just had to grab onto the fact OP and her DH have one child, and turn this into "Oh no, poor only child with nooooo playmates."

No, PP, only children do not necessarily have to have close relationships with cousins, nor does an only child always feel "SO excited" to have other kids around. But you likely believe the myth that all children who don't have siblings are either desperately lonely all the time, or are terribly unsocialized blah blah....Let's get back to OP's actual issue since you cannot "understand [her] POV." OP has repeatedly asked the SIL about getting the kids together and SIL has never said yes. Don't try to turn this around as if OP is the one denying her kid "family/cousin connections." It's the SIL who is doing that, not OP. And OP does not need to force any connections just because she has an only child.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 23:56     Subject: SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP is sooo busy with her own kid and her own life and couldn’t possibly find the time to help her family out - yet she has plenty of time to write a novel on an anonymous chat board and bash them.

You’re just a mean person, OP. That’s the bottom line.


OP here. They are not my family. They are my son's and husband's family. I can count on one hand the amount of time he's seen them in the last 2 years. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and 3 birthdays. That's it. And you're right, I don't like them for a number of reasons. BIL is an alcoholic and has had multiple DUI's over the last 10 years. He doesn't put his kids in carseats half the time. I have zero interest in supporting them getting hammered for the evening and waiting for them to come pick the kids up when they're hungover. And I know, I will get flack for not taking these kids in with alcoholic parents.

They are coming to us because MIL dropped their regular support of childcare. We're not "helping them out", they have plenty other options like BIL's mom or one of SIL's friends.

I guess what I don't understand is DCUM's groupthink that you have to bend over backwards for family, even family that you don't like or spend time with often.


They are your family through marriage. Ok, we get you don't like them and don't want to help. But, you do clearly have plenty of time.


You just ignored every valid reason op gave for wanting nothing to do with this. You keep repeating that op hates them like someone with dementia. I know what you are like. I am older and am the mom who got taken advantage of by the other moms and relatives. I took the high road for far too long. The people who got angry when I said no, like you pp, were the takers. They can't live without knowing there is someone to take up their slack and they are never honest about how much they do not do for others. You get insecure when you hear a former martyr say no more because people like you can't live without the doormats.


Pp was implying that OP has too much time on her hands to ruminate and vent online about what should be a simple “no” answer.

But, go off Dr Phil
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 23:54     Subject: SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
Anonymous wrote:You are petty and exhausting, OP. Your in-laws are no prize either. But you, babe, utter child.


What is wrong with you? You even write like a weirdo.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 23:52     Subject: SIL asked us to take her kids overnight
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP is sooo busy with her own kid and her own life and couldn’t possibly find the time to help her family out - yet she has plenty of time to write a novel on an anonymous chat board and bash them.

You’re just a mean person, OP. That’s the bottom line.


OP here. They are not my family. They are my son's and husband's family. I can count on one hand the amount of time he's seen them in the last 2 years. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and 3 birthdays. That's it. And you're right, I don't like them for a number of reasons. BIL is an alcoholic and has had multiple DUI's over the last 10 years. He doesn't put his kids in carseats half the time. I have zero interest in supporting them getting hammered for the evening and waiting for them to come pick the kids up when they're hungover. And I know, I will get flack for not taking these kids in with alcoholic parents.

They are coming to us because MIL dropped their regular support of childcare. We're not "helping them out", they have plenty other options like BIL's mom or one of SIL's friends.

I guess what I don't understand is DCUM's groupthink that you have to bend over backwards for family, even family that you don't like or spend time with often.


They are your family through marriage. Ok, we get you don't like them and don't want to help. But, you do clearly have plenty of time.


You just ignored every valid reason op gave for wanting nothing to do with this. You keep repeating that op hates them like someone with dementia. I know what you are like. I am older and am the mom who got taken advantage of by the other moms and relatives. I took the high road for far too long. The people who got angry when I said no, like you pp, were the takers. They can't live without knowing there is someone to take up their slack and they are never honest about how much they do not do for others. You get insecure when you hear a former martyr say no more because people like you can't live without the doormats.