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Anonymouse wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

I think the more important question isn't whether or not you'd want to know, but rather when would you want to find out and from whom?

Most affairs are not discovered. Would rather not know. If I had to find out, I would not care who told me. If I had to choose when…when my children are in college. Knowing does not do anyone any good if marriage is good otherwise.

Living a lie is not good for anyone and there's a health risk too. Don't be a coward. OP needs to own it and take the consequences. Her DH is at high risk of finding out based on what is going on.

Exactly. Affairs that go undiscovered don't usually have a BW on the other side who knows and has already threatened to tell the husband. If the BW didn't know, it would be an entirely different calculation. But in this case, the odds are pretty high her husband will find out either way. If she chooses to tell him, she stands a greater chance of salvaging the marriage.

Disagree. If the wife was going to reveal it, she would have. She wants both marriages to stay intact. She is not going to say a word.

Do not blow up your life for something that is over.

I waited three years to contact the OW. You can't know this.

Why? Just to leave pain in your wake? Just to prove OW is more powerful than you? So weird. I've been cheated on and I just proceeded as though the other woman does not exist.

Of course there was context beyond me just being some sad, pain-seeking wretch, having to do with a justified ask and a reason why that time was the right time to make it.

The point I made to OP whenever the hell this thread started was simply that when you've attached yourself to someone else's life story in such an intimate and deep-cutting sort of way, you really can't predict how, or when, that person will (re)act. If your plan is to go around having affairs and just hoping that the betrayed spouse is completely meek and demure, well, good luck with that, lol.

I'm interested in your perspective, though. You seem agitated by the idea that the OW might feel superior or powerful. I never assumed that the OW in my case felt those things, except for maybe the highs felt while the affair was active. I was certain that afterwards she felt deflated, embarrassed, devastated (because homegirl liked to blog, sigh.) And if she saw evidence that I was in pain and it made her feel good, well that just makes her some kind of monster who lacks empathy, which makes me care even less what she could ever think of me.

I guess now that I'm a mother, I'm just thinking of why you would do something that would most likely break up a family if there were kids involved. If not, then I don't really care. But I do think there is something extra disgusting about destroying kids' lives as some sort of recompense for your pain.

Wait. What?!?!! You mean the woman that broke up that woman’s family wants to have no consequences? She came in and broke up a family but her family is off limits?? And the BW didn’t even f”k her spouse.

Yes, her family is off limits because her children are innocent bystanders.

And so were the betrayed wife’s children who, btw, the BW did not mess with another woman’s family.

You see the absurdity of the married OW’s line of thinking? She helps to actively destroy other kids’ lives, but expects for hers to be protected.

Yeah. I wouldn’t give a fk about her kids, just like she didn’t give a fk about mine.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymouse wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

I think the more important question isn't whether or not you'd want to know, but rather when would you want to find out and from whom?

Most affairs are not discovered. Would rather not know. If I had to find out, I would not care who told me. If I had to choose when…when my children are in college. Knowing does not do anyone any good if marriage is good otherwise.

Living a lie is not good for anyone and there's a health risk too. Don't be a coward. OP needs to own it and take the consequences. Her DH is at high risk of finding out based on what is going on.

Exactly. Affairs that go undiscovered don't usually have a BW on the other side who knows and has already threatened to tell the husband. If the BW didn't know, it would be an entirely different calculation. But in this case, the odds are pretty high her husband will find out either way. If she chooses to tell him, she stands a greater chance of salvaging the marriage.

Disagree. If the wife was going to reveal it, she would have. She wants both marriages to stay intact. She is not going to say a word.

Do not blow up your life for something that is over.

I waited three years to contact the OW. You can't know this.

Why? Just to leave pain in your wake? Just to prove OW is more powerful than you? So weird. I've been cheated on and I just proceeded as though the other woman does not exist.

Of course there was context beyond me just being some sad, pain-seeking wretch, having to do with a justified ask and a reason why that time was the right time to make it.

The point I made to OP whenever the hell this thread started was simply that when you've attached yourself to someone else's life story in such an intimate and deep-cutting sort of way, you really can't predict how, or when, that person will (re)act. If your plan is to go around having affairs and just hoping that the betrayed spouse is completely meek and demure, well, good luck with that, lol.

I'm interested in your perspective, though. You seem agitated by the idea that the OW might feel superior or powerful. I never assumed that the OW in my case felt those things, except for maybe the highs felt while the affair was active. I was certain that afterwards she felt deflated, embarrassed, devastated (because homegirl liked to blog, sigh.) And if she saw evidence that I was in pain and it made her feel good, well that just makes her some kind of monster who lacks empathy, which makes me care even less what she could ever think of me.

I guess now that I'm a mother, I'm just thinking of why you would do something that would most likely break up a family if there were kids involved. If not, then I don't really care. But I do think there is something extra disgusting about destroying kids' lives as some sort of recompense for your pain.

Wait. What?!?!! You mean the woman that broke up that woman’s family wants to have no consequences? She came in and broke up a family but her family is off limits?? And the BW didn’t even f”k her spouse.

Yes, her family is off limits because her children are innocent bystanders.

And so were the betrayed wife’s children who, btw, the BW did not mess with another woman’s family.

You see the absurdity of the married OW’s line of thinking? She helps to actively destroy other kids’ lives, but expects for hers to be protected.

Anonymous wrote:This board is full of people esp women blaming wives for hating on OW. I don’t know what that psychology is but it’s stupid. My dh cheated and then ended it. The OW confronted me, contacted my family, my office, and tried to fly here to go to my kids school. She wanted to destroy my family. Her words. She didn’t see her role in destroying her own family or mine. No one who cheats is insulated from blame. If you do that to your own family you are diabolical. And the other side of it is you are f@cKing with someone else ‘s family and you know it. That deserves something. Hardly blameless.

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Anonymouse wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

I think the more important question isn't whether or not you'd want to know, but rather when would you want to find out and from whom?

Most affairs are not discovered. Would rather not know. If I had to find out, I would not care who told me. If I had to choose when…when my children are in college. Knowing does not do anyone any good if marriage is good otherwise.

Living a lie is not good for anyone and there's a health risk too. Don't be a coward. OP needs to own it and take the consequences. Her DH is at high risk of finding out based on what is going on.

Exactly. Affairs that go undiscovered don't usually have a BW on the other side who knows and has already threatened to tell the husband. If the BW didn't know, it would be an entirely different calculation. But in this case, the odds are pretty high her husband will find out either way. If she chooses to tell him, she stands a greater chance of salvaging the marriage.

Disagree. If the wife was going to reveal it, she would have. She wants both marriages to stay intact. She is not going to say a word.

Do not blow up your life for something that is over.

I waited three years to contact the OW. You can't know this.

Why? Just to leave pain in your wake? Just to prove OW is more powerful than you? So weird. I've been cheated on and I just proceeded as though the other woman does not exist.

Of course there was context beyond me just being some sad, pain-seeking wretch, having to do with a justified ask and a reason why that time was the right time to make it.

The point I made to OP whenever the hell this thread started was simply that when you've attached yourself to someone else's life story in such an intimate and deep-cutting sort of way, you really can't predict how, or when, that person will (re)act. If your plan is to go around having affairs and just hoping that the betrayed spouse is completely meek and demure, well, good luck with that, lol.

I'm interested in your perspective, though. You seem agitated by the idea that the OW might feel superior or powerful. I never assumed that the OW in my case felt those things, except for maybe the highs felt while the affair was active. I was certain that afterwards she felt deflated, embarrassed, devastated (because homegirl liked to blog, sigh.) And if she saw evidence that I was in pain and it made her feel good, well that just makes her some kind of monster who lacks empathy, which makes me care even less what she could ever think of me.

I guess now that I'm a mother, I'm just thinking of why you would do something that would most likely break up a family if there were kids involved. If not, then I don't really care. But I do think there is something extra disgusting about destroying kids' lives as some sort of recompense for your pain.

Wait. What?!?!! You mean the woman that broke up that woman’s family wants to have no consequences? She came in and broke up a family but her family is off limits?? And the BW didn’t even f”k her spouse.

Yes, her family is off limits because her children are innocent bystanders.

And so were the betrayed wife’s children who, btw, the BW did not mess with another woman’s family.

You see the absurdity of the married OW’s line of thinking? She helps to actively destroy other kids’ lives, but expects for hers to be protected.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymouse wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

I think the more important question isn't whether or not you'd want to know, but rather when would you want to find out and from whom?

Most affairs are not discovered. Would rather not know. If I had to find out, I would not care who told me. If I had to choose when…when my children are in college. Knowing does not do anyone any good if marriage is good otherwise.

Living a lie is not good for anyone and there's a health risk too. Don't be a coward. OP needs to own it and take the consequences. Her DH is at high risk of finding out based on what is going on.

Exactly. Affairs that go undiscovered don't usually have a BW on the other side who knows and has already threatened to tell the husband. If the BW didn't know, it would be an entirely different calculation. But in this case, the odds are pretty high her husband will find out either way. If she chooses to tell him, she stands a greater chance of salvaging the marriage.

Disagree. If the wife was going to reveal it, she would have. She wants both marriages to stay intact. She is not going to say a word.

Do not blow up your life for something that is over.

I waited three years to contact the OW. You can't know this.

Why? Just to leave pain in your wake? Just to prove OW is more powerful than you? So weird. I've been cheated on and I just proceeded as though the other woman does not exist.

Of course there was context beyond me just being some sad, pain-seeking wretch, having to do with a justified ask and a reason why that time was the right time to make it.

The point I made to OP whenever the hell this thread started was simply that when you've attached yourself to someone else's life story in such an intimate and deep-cutting sort of way, you really can't predict how, or when, that person will (re)act. If your plan is to go around having affairs and just hoping that the betrayed spouse is completely meek and demure, well, good luck with that, lol.

I'm interested in your perspective, though. You seem agitated by the idea that the OW might feel superior or powerful. I never assumed that the OW in my case felt those things, except for maybe the highs felt while the affair was active. I was certain that afterwards she felt deflated, embarrassed, devastated (because homegirl liked to blog, sigh.) And if she saw evidence that I was in pain and it made her feel good, well that just makes her some kind of monster who lacks empathy, which makes me care even less what she could ever think of me.

I guess now that I'm a mother, I'm just thinking of why you would do something that would most likely break up a family if there were kids involved. If not, then I don't really care. But I do think there is something extra disgusting about destroying kids' lives as some sort of recompense for your pain.

Wait. What?!?!! You mean the woman that broke up that woman’s family wants to have no consequences? She came in and broke up a family but her family is off limits?? And the BW didn’t even f”k her spouse.

Yes, her family is off limits because her children are innocent bystanders.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymouse wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

I think the more important question isn't whether or not you'd want to know, but rather when would you want to find out and from whom?

Most affairs are not discovered. Would rather not know. If I had to find out, I would not care who told me. If I had to choose when…when my children are in college. Knowing does not do anyone any good if marriage is good otherwise.

Living a lie is not good for anyone and there's a health risk too. Don't be a coward. OP needs to own it and take the consequences. Her DH is at high risk of finding out based on what is going on.

Exactly. Affairs that go undiscovered don't usually have a BW on the other side who knows and has already threatened to tell the husband. If the BW didn't know, it would be an entirely different calculation. But in this case, the odds are pretty high her husband will find out either way. If she chooses to tell him, she stands a greater chance of salvaging the marriage.

Disagree. If the wife was going to reveal it, she would have. She wants both marriages to stay intact. She is not going to say a word.

Do not blow up your life for something that is over.

I waited three years to contact the OW. You can't know this.

Why? Just to leave pain in your wake? Just to prove OW is more powerful than you? So weird. I've been cheated on and I just proceeded as though the other woman does not exist.

Of course there was context beyond me just being some sad, pain-seeking wretch, having to do with a justified ask and a reason why that time was the right time to make it.

The point I made to OP whenever the hell this thread started was simply that when you've attached yourself to someone else's life story in such an intimate and deep-cutting sort of way, you really can't predict how, or when, that person will (re)act. If your plan is to go around having affairs and just hoping that the betrayed spouse is completely meek and demure, well, good luck with that, lol.

I'm interested in your perspective, though. You seem agitated by the idea that the OW might feel superior or powerful. I never assumed that the OW in my case felt those things, except for maybe the highs felt while the affair was active. I was certain that afterwards she felt deflated, embarrassed, devastated (because homegirl liked to blog, sigh.) And if she saw evidence that I was in pain and it made her feel good, well that just makes her some kind of monster who lacks empathy, which makes me care even less what she could ever think of me.

I guess now that I'm a mother, I'm just thinking of why you would do something that would most likely break up a family if there were kids involved. If not, then I don't really care. But I do think there is something extra disgusting about destroying kids' lives as some sort of recompense for your pain.

Wait. What?!?!! You mean the woman that broke up that woman’s family wants to have no consequences? She came in and broke up a family but her family is off limits?? And the BW didn’t even f”k her spouse.

Yes, her family is off limits because her children are innocent bystanders.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymouse wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

I think the more important question isn't whether or not you'd want to know, but rather when would you want to find out and from whom?

Most affairs are not discovered. Would rather not know. If I had to find out, I would not care who told me. If I had to choose when…when my children are in college. Knowing does not do anyone any good if marriage is good otherwise.

Living a lie is not good for anyone and there's a health risk too. Don't be a coward. OP needs to own it and take the consequences. Her DH is at high risk of finding out based on what is going on.

Exactly. Affairs that go undiscovered don't usually have a BW on the other side who knows and has already threatened to tell the husband. If the BW didn't know, it would be an entirely different calculation. But in this case, the odds are pretty high her husband will find out either way. If she chooses to tell him, she stands a greater chance of salvaging the marriage.

Disagree. If the wife was going to reveal it, she would have. She wants both marriages to stay intact. She is not going to say a word.

Do not blow up your life for something that is over.

I waited three years to contact the OW. You can't know this.

Why? Just to leave pain in your wake? Just to prove OW is more powerful than you? So weird. I've been cheated on and I just proceeded as though the other woman does not exist.

Of course there was context beyond me just being some sad, pain-seeking wretch, having to do with a justified ask and a reason why that time was the right time to make it.

The point I made to OP whenever the hell this thread started was simply that when you've attached yourself to someone else's life story in such an intimate and deep-cutting sort of way, you really can't predict how, or when, that person will (re)act. If your plan is to go around having affairs and just hoping that the betrayed spouse is completely meek and demure, well, good luck with that, lol.

I'm interested in your perspective, though. You seem agitated by the idea that the OW might feel superior or powerful. I never assumed that the OW in my case felt those things, except for maybe the highs felt while the affair was active. I was certain that afterwards she felt deflated, embarrassed, devastated (because homegirl liked to blog, sigh.) And if she saw evidence that I was in pain and it made her feel good, well that just makes her some kind of monster who lacks empathy, which makes me care even less what she could ever think of me.

I guess now that I'm a mother, I'm just thinking of why you would do something that would most likely break up a family if there were kids involved. If not, then I don't really care. But I do think there is something extra disgusting about destroying kids' lives as some sort of recompense for your pain.

Wait. What?!?!! You mean the woman that broke up that woman’s family wants to have no consequences? She came in and broke up a family but her family is off limits?? And the BW didn’t even f”k her spouse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymouse wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

I think the more important question isn't whether or not you'd want to know, but rather when would you want to find out and from whom?

Most affairs are not discovered. Would rather not know. If I had to find out, I would not care who told me. If I had to choose when…when my children are in college. Knowing does not do anyone any good if marriage is good otherwise.

Living a lie is not good for anyone and there's a health risk too. Don't be a coward. OP needs to own it and take the consequences. Her DH is at high risk of finding out based on what is going on.

Exactly. Affairs that go undiscovered don't usually have a BW on the other side who knows and has already threatened to tell the husband. If the BW didn't know, it would be an entirely different calculation. But in this case, the odds are pretty high her husband will find out either way. If she chooses to tell him, she stands a greater chance of salvaging the marriage.

Disagree. If the wife was going to reveal it, she would have. She wants both marriages to stay intact. She is not going to say a word.

Do not blow up your life for something that is over.

I waited three years to contact the OW. You can't know this.

Why? Just to leave pain in your wake? Just to prove OW is more powerful than you? So weird. I've been cheated on and I just proceeded as though the other woman does not exist.

Of course there was context beyond me just being some sad, pain-seeking wretch, having to do with a justified ask and a reason why that time was the right time to make it.

The point I made to OP whenever the hell this thread started was simply that when you've attached yourself to someone else's life story in such an intimate and deep-cutting sort of way, you really can't predict how, or when, that person will (re)act. If your plan is to go around having affairs and just hoping that the betrayed spouse is completely meek and demure, well, good luck with that, lol.

I'm interested in your perspective, though. You seem agitated by the idea that the OW might feel superior or powerful. I never assumed that the OW in my case felt those things, except for maybe the highs felt while the affair was active. I was certain that afterwards she felt deflated, embarrassed, devastated (because homegirl liked to blog, sigh.) And if she saw evidence that I was in pain and it made her feel good, well that just makes her some kind of monster who lacks empathy, which makes me care even less what she could ever think of me.

I guess now that I'm a mother, I'm just thinking of why you would do something that would most likely break up a family if there were kids involved. If not, then I don't really care. But I do think there is something extra disgusting about destroying kids' lives as some sort of recompense for your pain.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymouse wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

I think the more important question isn't whether or not you'd want to know, but rather when would you want to find out and from whom?

Most affairs are not discovered. Would rather not know. If I had to find out, I would not care who told me. If I had to choose when…when my children are in college. Knowing does not do anyone any good if marriage is good otherwise.

Living a lie is not good for anyone and there's a health risk too. Don't be a coward. OP needs to own it and take the consequences. Her DH is at high risk of finding out based on what is going on.

Exactly. Affairs that go undiscovered don't usually have a BW on the other side who knows and has already threatened to tell the husband. If the BW didn't know, it would be an entirely different calculation. But in this case, the odds are pretty high her husband will find out either way. If she chooses to tell him, she stands a greater chance of salvaging the marriage.

Disagree. If the wife was going to reveal it, she would have. She wants both marriages to stay intact. She is not going to say a word.

Do not blow up your life for something that is over.

I waited three years to contact the OW. You can't know this.

Why? Just to leave pain in your wake? Just to prove OW is more powerful than you? So weird. I've been cheated on and I just proceeded as though the other woman does not exist.

Of course there was context beyond me just being some sad, pain-seeking wretch, having to do with a justified ask and a reason why that time was the right time to make it.

The point I made to OP whenever the hell this thread started was simply that when you've attached yourself to someone else's life story in such an intimate and deep-cutting sort of way, you really can't predict how, or when, that person will (re)act. If your plan is to go around having affairs and just hoping that the betrayed spouse is completely meek and demure, well, good luck with that, lol.

I'm interested in your perspective, though. You seem agitated by the idea that the OW might feel superior or powerful. I never assumed that the OW in my case felt those things, except for maybe the highs felt while the affair was active. I was certain that afterwards she felt deflated, embarrassed, devastated (because homegirl liked to blog, sigh.) And if she saw evidence that I was in pain and it made her feel good, well that just makes her some kind of monster who lacks empathy, which makes me care even less what she could ever think of me.

I guess now that I'm a mother, I'm just thinking of why you would do something that would most likely break up a family if there were kids involved. If not, then I don't really care. But I do think there is something extra disgusting about destroying kids' lives as some sort of recompense for your pain.

Wait. What?!?!! You mean the woman that broke up that woman’s family wants to have no consequences? She came in and broke up a family but her family is off limits?? And the BW didn’t even f”k her spouse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymouse wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

I think the more important question isn't whether or not you'd want to know, but rather when would you want to find out and from whom?

Most affairs are not discovered. Would rather not know. If I had to find out, I would not care who told me. If I had to choose when…when my children are in college. Knowing does not do anyone any good if marriage is good otherwise.

Living a lie is not good for anyone and there's a health risk too. Don't be a coward. OP needs to own it and take the consequences. Her DH is at high risk of finding out based on what is going on.

Exactly. Affairs that go undiscovered don't usually have a BW on the other side who knows and has already threatened to tell the husband. If the BW didn't know, it would be an entirely different calculation. But in this case, the odds are pretty high her husband will find out either way. If she chooses to tell him, she stands a greater chance of salvaging the marriage.

Disagree. If the wife was going to reveal it, she would have. She wants both marriages to stay intact. She is not going to say a word.

Do not blow up your life for something that is over.

I waited three years to contact the OW. You can't know this.

Why? Just to leave pain in your wake? Just to prove OW is more powerful than you? So weird. I've been cheated on and I just proceeded as though the other woman does not exist.

Of course there was context beyond me just being some sad, pain-seeking wretch, having to do with a justified ask and a reason why that time was the right time to make it.

The point I made to OP whenever the hell this thread started was simply that when you've attached yourself to someone else's life story in such an intimate and deep-cutting sort of way, you really can't predict how, or when, that person will (re)act. If your plan is to go around having affairs and just hoping that the betrayed spouse is completely meek and demure, well, good luck with that, lol.

I'm interested in your perspective, though. You seem agitated by the idea that the OW might feel superior or powerful. I never assumed that the OW in my case felt those things, except for maybe the highs felt while the affair was active. I was certain that afterwards she felt deflated, embarrassed, devastated (because homegirl liked to blog, sigh.) And if she saw evidence that I was in pain and it made her feel good, well that just makes her some kind of monster who lacks empathy, which makes me care even less what she could ever think of me.

I guess now that I'm a mother, I'm just thinking of why you would do something that would most likely break up a family if there were kids involved. If not, then I don't really care. But I do think there is something extra disgusting about destroying kids' lives as some sort of recompense for your pain.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymouse wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

I think the more important question isn't whether or not you'd want to know, but rather when would you want to find out and from whom?

Most affairs are not discovered. Would rather not know. If I had to find out, I would not care who told me. If I had to choose when…when my children are in college. Knowing does not do anyone any good if marriage is good otherwise.

Living a lie is not good for anyone and there's a health risk too. Don't be a coward. OP needs to own it and take the consequences. Her DH is at high risk of finding out based on what is going on.

Exactly. Affairs that go undiscovered don't usually have a BW on the other side who knows and has already threatened to tell the husband. If the BW didn't know, it would be an entirely different calculation. But in this case, the odds are pretty high her husband will find out either way. If she chooses to tell him, she stands a greater chance of salvaging the marriage.

Disagree. If the wife was going to reveal it, she would have. She wants both marriages to stay intact. She is not going to say a word.

Do not blow up your life for something that is over.

I waited three years to contact the OW. You can't know this.

Why? Just to leave pain in your wake? Just to prove OW is more powerful than you? So weird. I've been cheated on and I just proceeded as though the other woman does not exist.

Of course there was context beyond me just being some sad, pain-seeking wretch, having to do with a justified ask and a reason why that time was the right time to make it.

The point I made to OP whenever the hell this thread started was simply that when you've attached yourself to someone else's life story in such an intimate and deep-cutting sort of way, you really can't predict how, or when, that person will (re)act. If your plan is to go around having affairs and just hoping that the betrayed spouse is completely meek and demure, well, good luck with that, lol.

I'm interested in your perspective, though. You seem agitated by the idea that the OW might feel superior or powerful. I never assumed that the OW in my case felt those things, except for maybe the highs felt while the affair was active. I was certain that afterwards she felt deflated, embarrassed, devastated (because homegirl liked to blog, sigh.) And if she saw evidence that I was in pain and it made her feel good, well that just makes her some kind of monster who lacks empathy, which makes me care even less what she could ever think of me.

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Anonymouse wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

I think the more important question isn't whether or not you'd want to know, but rather when would you want to find out and from whom?

Most affairs are not discovered. Would rather not know. If I had to find out, I would not care who told me. If I had to choose when…when my children are in college. Knowing does not do anyone any good if marriage is good otherwise.

Living a lie is not good for anyone and there's a health risk too. Don't be a coward. OP needs to own it and take the consequences. Her DH is at high risk of finding out based on what is going on.

Exactly. Affairs that go undiscovered don't usually have a BW on the other side who knows and has already threatened to tell the husband. If the BW didn't know, it would be an entirely different calculation. But in this case, the odds are pretty high her husband will find out either way. If she chooses to tell him, she stands a greater chance of salvaging the marriage.

Disagree. If the wife was going to reveal it, she would have. She wants both marriages to stay intact. She is not going to say a word.

Do not blow up your life for something that is over.

I waited three years to contact the OW. You can't know this.

Why? Just to leave pain in your wake? Just to prove OW is more powerful than you? So weird. I've been cheated on and I just proceeded as though the other woman does not exist.