You people saying that OP's DH is just trying to sabotage her career or whatever are psycho. You are the same people who think a depressed person shows a moral weakness and they should just "snap out of it." You all suck, big time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read the whole thread but sounds like DH is sabotaging your career

He's fine.

Wow, you're able to diagnose a person who claims he's suicidal, without even meeting him? You are truly a miraculous mental health professional, PP!



Even if he IS faking or playing her, SHE cannot know that for sure. And the results, if you are wrong about his being "fine," are way too serious to risk. OP has to take him at face value for right now or risk having to explain to her kids why dad isn't ever coming home, and OP would have to deal with the guilt of not taking him seriously, if he does harm himself.

I have no idea if he's just manipulating her--he might be-- but neither do you or anyone here. That's not our call. It's not even really OP's call. It's a medical professional's call.

This is garbage. OP is not, in any way, responsible if her adult spouse makes the decision to kill himself. The idea that she should blame herself, and that she is responsible to her children for the behavior of her husband, is beyond regressive.

If she sits home staring at her husband and she goes to the bathroom, and he kills himself, doesn’t she still have to tell her children? Or does the good wife fairy come and tell them for her?

Hilarious and stupid that you're calling it garbage, yet a mental health professional posting above you says it's spot on.

Which of you should OP trust for advice, I wonder?

No one said OP was actually "responsible" if he kills himself. I only said that she will have to deal with her own feelings and their kids' reactions if he does. If you think that people do not feel guilty after someone's suicide--even when they themselves could never have prevented it and didn't cause it -- you truly know nothing about suicide or how profoundly it affects those left behind.

You said she will have to deal with telling her kids why he is never coming home.

So tell me— if she stays home and tanks her career and he kills himself anyway, who tells her kids then? What magic fairy takes that responsibility from her? And does that same fairy feed, house, and clothe the children he leaves behind or no?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read the whole thread but sounds like DH is sabotaging your career

He's fine.

Wow, you're able to diagnose a person who claims he's suicidal, without even meeting him? You are truly a miraculous mental health professional, PP!



Even if he IS faking or playing her, SHE cannot know that for sure. And the results, if you are wrong about his being "fine," are way too serious to risk. OP has to take him at face value for right now or risk having to explain to her kids why dad isn't ever coming home, and OP would have to deal with the guilt of not taking him seriously, if he does harm himself.

I have no idea if he's just manipulating her--he might be-- but neither do you or anyone here. That's not our call. It's not even really OP's call. It's a medical professional's call.

This is garbage. OP is not, in any way, responsible if her adult spouse makes the decision to kill himself. The idea that she should blame herself, and that she is responsible to her children for the behavior of her husband, is beyond regressive.

If she sits home staring at her husband and she goes to the bathroom, and he kills himself, doesn’t she still have to tell her children? Or does the good wife fairy come and tell them for her?

Hilarious and stupid that you're calling it garbage, yet a mental health professional posting above you says it's spot on.

Which of you should OP trust for advice, I wonder?

No one said OP was actually "responsible" if he kills himself. I only said that she will have to deal with her own feelings and their kids' reactions if he does. If you think that people do not feel guilty after someone's suicide--even when they themselves could never have prevented it and didn't cause it -- you truly know nothing about suicide or how profoundly it affects those left behind.

You’re missing the point. There’s nothing she can do other than take him to the ER. Further destroying her own life (and career) is not something she has to do, and not something that could even stop him anyway.

Anonymous wrote:I'm suspicious that he doesn't want to stay married but is too chickens&*t to leave, so he's acting out and trying to make OP end it.

bingo

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read the whole thread but sounds like DH is sabotaging your career

He's fine.

Wow, you're able to diagnose a person who claims he's suicidal, without even meeting him? You are truly a miraculous mental health professional, PP!



Even if he IS faking or playing her, SHE cannot know that for sure. And the results, if you are wrong about his being "fine," are way too serious to risk. OP has to take him at face value for right now or risk having to explain to her kids why dad isn't ever coming home, and OP would have to deal with the guilt of not taking him seriously, if he does harm himself.

I have no idea if he's just manipulating her--he might be-- but neither do you or anyone here. That's not our call. It's not even really OP's call. It's a medical professional's call.

This is garbage. OP is not, in any way, responsible if her adult spouse makes the decision to kill himself. The idea that she should blame herself, and that she is responsible to her children for the behavior of her husband, is beyond regressive.

If she sits home staring at her husband and she goes to the bathroom, and he kills himself, doesn’t she still have to tell her children? Or does the good wife fairy come and tell them for her?

Hilarious and stupid that you're calling it garbage, yet a mental health professional posting above you says it's spot on.

Which of you should OP trust for advice, I wonder?

No one said OP was actually "responsible" if he kills himself. I only said that she will have to deal with her own feelings and their kids' reactions if he does. If you think that people do not feel guilty after someone's suicide--even when they themselves could never have prevented it and didn't cause it -- you truly know nothing about suicide or how profoundly it affects those left behind.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read the whole thread but sounds like DH is sabotaging your career

He's fine.

Wow, you're able to diagnose a person who claims he's suicidal, without even meeting him? You are truly a miraculous mental health professional, PP!



Even if he IS faking or playing her, SHE cannot know that for sure. And the results, if you are wrong about his being "fine," are way too serious to risk. OP has to take him at face value for right now or risk having to explain to her kids why dad isn't ever coming home, and OP would have to deal with the guilt of not taking him seriously, if he does harm himself.

I have no idea if he's just manipulating her--he might be-- but neither do you or anyone here. That's not our call. It's not even really OP's call. It's a medical professional's call.

DP - all of this. The amount and degree of speculation on this thread is staggering. Even those of us on this thread who actually are mental health professionals don’t know what’s really going on because *we’re not examining OP’s husband*. And guess what? Even the healthcare professionals treating him won’t know the full picture from an initial evaluation! That’s not how it works.

The right way to “take him seriously”is to take him to the hospital if there is a threat of suicide with a specific plan or to make an appointment with a psychiatrist and a therapist (if there’s no specific plan), inform him of the appointments and to arrange for them to go to the appointment (either by taking them personally, getting their agreement to do it themselves, or getting a friend/family member to help by taking them.)

There is literally not more that the OP can do - she is not a qualified mental healthcare provider. TBH, even that may be a lot because it can involve researching health insurance and calling around for appointments. If OP, has time to do more - phoning in to the pdoc and therapy appointments to hear diagnosis, treatment plan and how to support what DH has to be doing for himself can be useful.

I don’t know what PPs think she can be doing - sitting around all day monitoring him to make sure he doesn’t self harm? That is not realistic. OP can get rid of guns, knives, ropes, alcohol and medicines and DH can still self harm. All a spouse in this position can do is keep sending the message “we love you, seeing the psychiatrist and therapist and following the treatment plan is the way to get better and it can get better.”. Then take care of kids, house and income enough to give the ill person time to recuperate - and when I say “take care of” I don't mean personally necessarily - that means being the quarterback who calls in all the support to run the plays - meals, childcare, finding and making appointments, child or husband care, house cleaning, laundry - the well spouse has to decide what is necessary to do personally, what other people can help with, what can be paid for and what can be let go. If it’s OK to accept support when a family member is hospitalized in an accident, then it’s OK to ask for and accept support for mental health.

What’s staggering on this thread is the criticism on this thread about what OP must do and if she doesn’t do it and her husband does complete a self-harm attempt, then she will be “guilty”. That is wrong and stigmatic. No one is ever responsible for someone else’s suicide (except in cases of bullying and/or direct encouragement of the act) Is that what you PP’s really think to yourselves when the child of a parent commits suicide? Are you sniffing to yourselves about what a bad parent, spouse or child the surviving family members are? Are you secretly telling yourselves the outcome would have been different if they’d stayed home? Not gone to work? Been there that extra hour? Not been “too demanding”?

If so, shame on you.

Someone who wants to commit suicide will do it, and you can’t necessarily stop them, even when they are in treatment. All a person can do is express love and support, remove means of suicide, and call for treatment (hospital or psychiatrist depending on whether there is a specific plan to carryout suicide).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read the whole thread but sounds like DH is sabotaging your career

He's fine.

Wow, you're able to diagnose a person who claims he's suicidal, without even meeting him? You are truly a miraculous mental health professional, PP!



Even if he IS faking or playing her, SHE cannot know that for sure. And the results, if you are wrong about his being "fine," are way too serious to risk. OP has to take him at face value for right now or risk having to explain to her kids why dad isn't ever coming home, and OP would have to deal with the guilt of not taking him seriously, if he does harm himself.

I have no idea if he's just manipulating her--he might be-- but neither do you or anyone here. That's not our call. It's not even really OP's call. It's a medical professional's call.

This is garbage. OP is not, in any way, responsible if her adult spouse makes the decision to kill himself. The idea that she should blame herself, and that she is responsible to her children for the behavior of her husband, is beyond regressive.

If she sits home staring at her husband and she goes to the bathroom, and he kills himself, doesn’t she still have to tell her children? Or does the good wife fairy come and tell them for her?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read the whole thread but sounds like DH is sabotaging your career

He's fine.

Wow, you're able to diagnose a person who claims he's suicidal, without even meeting him? You are truly a miraculous mental health professional, PP!



Even if he IS faking or playing her, SHE cannot know that for sure. And the results, if you are wrong about his being "fine," are way too serious to risk. OP has to take him at face value for right now or risk having to explain to her kids why dad isn't ever coming home, and OP would have to deal with the guilt of not taking him seriously, if he does harm himself.

I have no idea if he's just manipulating her--he might be-- but neither do you or anyone here. That's not our call. It's not even really OP's call. It's a medical professional's call.

DP - all of this. The amount and degree of speculation on this thread is staggering. Even those of us on this thread who actually are mental health professionals don’t know what’s really going on because *we’re not examining OP’s husband*. And guess what? Even the healthcare professionals treating him won’t know the full picture from an initial evaluation! That’s not how it works.

DP. and/or has started a new affair or resumed contact with the original AP. Why the sudden surge of self-loathing after months of therapy that'd been going well?

I'm suspicious that he doesn't want to stay married but is too chickens&*t to leave, so he's acting out and trying to make OP end it.

Oh wow he’s getting just what he is wanting from you. Now you’re all concerned about his emotional well being and even willing to wreck your career. Certainly takes the focus off of his recent affair!

Anonymous wrote:OP, it’s never just one crisis. It was a cascade of never-ending crises - some bigger than others but all calling for my help, or at least I thought so at the time.

I say this as someone whose DH cheated and had a subsequent mental health crisis.

Many who have loved ones living with mental illness live by the motto, “secure your own oxygen mask first.” Securing your own mask doesn’t mean you won’t help others. It means you can help others best when you make sure your physical, emotional, financial, career etc. needs are being reasonably met.

If you keep giving up your own needs and stability in favor of someone else, you will be in trouble yourself and no longer able to help the other.

Please consider taking the NAMI Family to Family course.

+1 I know how hard this is, but you have to prioritize yourself and your children. Every vocalization of self-harm should be taken seriously, but it does not need to be dealt with by you personally given everything you have on your plate professionally and personally. If the threat is real, he will benefit from engagement with his healthcare/mental healthcare provider. If it is not real, you just saved yourself from further enmeshment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants the heat off of him for messing up. He wants out of the current situation with little backlash. If you don’t stay now and ease up on him about the past few years of deceit, then you now get to become the bad guy in story. This is his was of coping and shifting the mess onto you to hush you up.

I am suspicious that this is what is happening, too.

+10000000

Anonymous wrote:He wants the heat off of him for messing up. He wants out of the current situation with little backlash. If you don’t stay now and ease up on him about the past few years of deceit, then you now get to become the bad guy in story. This is his was of coping and shifting the mess onto you to hush you up.

I am suspicious that this is what is happening, too.

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read the whole thread but sounds like DH is sabotaging your career

He's fine.

Wow, you're able to diagnose a person who claims he's suicidal, without even meeting him? You are truly a miraculous mental health professional, PP!



Even if he IS faking or playing her, SHE cannot know that for sure. And the results, if you are wrong about his being "fine," are way too serious to risk. OP has to take him at face value for right now or risk having to explain to her kids why dad isn't ever coming home, and OP would have to deal with the guilt of not taking him seriously, if he does harm himself.

I have no idea if he's just manipulating her--he might be-- but neither do you or anyone here. That's not our call. It's not even really OP's call. It's a medical professional's call.