Anonymous
Post 01/06/2023 23:27     Subject: Drama over who pays for the wedding
Anonymous wrote:Also, everyone pretending confusion re: fiancée and fiancé in the guise of being open minding but really being pedantic can see yourselves out…

OP’s child is a woman marrying a man (pronouns in the OP’s post make it clear).


If you’re going to be unreasonably, but on-brand, snobby, question how OP’s future SIL a could be going to a top rated MBA program straight out of undergrad (hint - it’s probably actually law school or some other sort of expensive grad school).



For anonymity's sake, its a smart idea.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2023 23:18     Subject: Drama over who pays for the wedding
Anonymous wrote:BG: our DD and her fiancée are both seniors in college and recently got engaged. DD is accepted into medical school and the fiancée into a top MBA school. Neither has debt from college. We will pay for DD medical school and his parents will pay for MBA school. Both families are well off with family all in the US.

The fiancée’s parents are going to traditional route and want us to pay for our DD’s wedding. While we can, we also have a second DD and their’s is an only child. We also feel we are keeping the young couple out of debt (but so are they). I want to suggest we split the costs but I don’t want to offend them.

DS says he and the fiancée will contribute but they don’t have much to contribute and we don’t want them to.

The fiancée doesn’t want a fancy wedding but we both have big families.

Should we ask the fiancée’s parents to contribute? How should we word it?


It would be better to keep it small and simple. No need for anyone to break the bank. If you guys have money to waste then split the cost. Why would you bear the cost by yourself? $uck tradition. It's not 1923, y'all are in 2023.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2023 22:06     Subject: Re:Drama over who pays for the wedding
Going back to the original post, I am unclear on what the drama is. If you want to pay for the wedding, do so. If you want to set a budget on the amount that you can spend or contribute to the wedding, do so. No need to feel guilty.

It's a good first step toward the rest of their life for them to be given a budget and figure out their priorities. If the fiance's parents want to do the rehearsal dinner or contribute additional funds, fine. Otherwise, the couple getting married figures out what kind of rehearsal they can afford.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2023 21:33     Subject: Re:Drama over who pays for the wedding
I've had two kids marry..one girl, one boy. The girl we paid for the wedding. The boy, we paid for the rehearsal dinner. Both married fairly young and could not afford much. There was no reason to withhold marriage just because of costs associated with the wedding day and we, and the grooms parents, were willing and able to finance the nuptials. I guess if they were each in their 30s and had substantial assets, we may have gone with the contribution approach, but no regrets. Oh, and another young daughter is engaged, and we will fund the reception as well. It works for some of us and that is ok. The OP's situation is one where the couple has little resources so if they can afford it, they could kindly pay.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2023 21:19     Subject: Drama over who pays for the wedding
The bride's parents pay for the wedding

Groom's family pays for rehearsal dinner

Groom pays for honeymoon.

Those are the rules
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2023 21:16     Subject: Re:Drama over who pays for the wedding
We are fairly wealthy. I just don’t want to attract gold diggers for my sons. I wouldn’t want to give the future DIL an open check to plan whatever she wants. I assume the bride will be planning the wedding, not my sons.

Given that my kids are in elementary and middle school, this is not something I have to deal with for a very long time. My daughter is only 5.


I am as traditional as they come, but your gender stereotypes really need to go. Lots of guys care about their weddings - it’s not just a woman making all the decisions.

We have four kids (some boys, some girls) and will give each the same amount for weddings, they can spend as they wish.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2023 19:18     Subject: Re:Drama over who pays for the wedding
My parents told me they were giving us a wedding gift of X amount of money and we could choose to do with it as we wanted: use it to go towards a wedding, or something else like to go towards a down payment. We didn’t get a blank check to pay for a six figure wedding. It was nowhere near enough to pay for a fancy wedding (less than 20k) so we used it for a very modest and small wedding. We did an amazing destination wedding with only close family and friends. Dh’s parents paid for the reception dinner the night before. It was lovely and no one went broke in the process.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2023 18:43     Subject: Drama over who pays for the wedding
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My cousin just had a courthouse wedding with immediate family. They still dressed up and got married at a really lovely historic courthouse.


I would disown my child for having a courthouse wedding. Nothing represents a greater affront to the dignity of family heritage and generational expectation.


Ha! It's okay, we didn't need your money.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2023 18:10     Subject: Re:Drama over who pays for the wedding
Anonymous wrote:Three of our five are married. We told them a long time ago exactly what we could contribute to their weddings. Didn’t matter bride or groom. They all got exactly the same amount. They could choose to spend however they wanted.


How much did you give each kid?
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2023 17:44     Subject: Re:Drama over who pays for the wedding
Anonymous wrote:Three of our five are married. We told them a long time ago exactly what we could contribute to their weddings. Didn’t matter bride or groom. They all got exactly the same amount. They could choose to spend however they wanted.


Did you account for inflation?

This is what we plan to do with our kids (all girls). We raised them to question the oppressive traditions, so if their future in-laws want tradition then perhaps the wedding is a great place to start setting boundaries.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2023 17:32     Subject: Drama over who pays for the wedding
Anonymous wrote:It’s traditional that the groom’s family pay for FLOP- flowers, liquor , orchestra and photographer. They’re not willing to pay for any?

Absolutely never heard of this. Tradition is that the brides parents pay for the wedding (hence the wording on traditional invites) and the grooms family pay for rehearsal dinner/evening
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2023 17:28     Subject: Drama over who pays for the wedding
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’d be curious about the justification in 2023 for the argument that the bride’s family should pay for the wedding.


I am as liberal and feminist as they come. I did not change my name after marriage etc.
BUT I have always wondered this- why is it that some traditions are not ok and (I agree) antiquated...like only bride's family paying for wedding-
but others are embraced....like an engagement ring.


Because the rings are pretty. I really think that's it. If engagement rings were ugly or invisible, that tradition would die.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2023 17:25     Subject: Drama over who pays for the wedding
I was raised believing that the groom's parents pay for the rehearsal and the honeymoon. The bride's parents pay for the wedding.

I have an only child (DD). It's likely we will just tell her what we can afford and give her the $. She and her future husband can decide how they would like to spend it. I would never assume that the groom's parents are going to pay for anything. Of course I am old so that impacts my beliefs and how they have changed over the decades.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2023 14:42     Subject: Re:Drama over who pays for the wedding
Anonymous wrote:I change my answer. I have 2 boys and a daughter. I would want my daughter to have a dream wedding and no problem paying for it. I would want to go all out and be part of planning.

If my sons were getting married, I would not just foot the bill. If the girl was wealthy, they could pay for it. I would give for down payment on a house.


Be honest — you’ll end up giving your daughter the down payment on the house too. So then, where’s the equality in $$ for your kids?
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2023 14:14     Subject: Re:Drama over who pays for the wedding
Three of our five are married. We told them a long time ago exactly what we could contribute to their weddings. Didn’t matter bride or groom. They all got exactly the same amount. They could choose to spend however they wanted.