Anonymous
Post 01/02/2023 21:35     Subject: Re:Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:1 a.m. is a hard time to get up and get back to sleep if you need to be alert in the morning. Could you pump around 9 and go to bed for a few hours, have DH handle the 10 p.m. feeding, and then you take care of the middle of the night feedings? As others have said, this pattern may change in another 1-2 weeks, so you will continue to need to adjust by trial and error. If DH can take pre- midnight and you can take post, that might allow everyone to get a somewhat reasonable amount of uninterrupted sleep.


OP here. I have discussed doing this and he said no. He will be going to bed at 10 and needs a full nights sleep. Now that he is back at work, he will be waking up at 6am to workout before getting ready for work.


Oh okay no this is the problem your husband has decided that he did his part but and now he's back to his regular schedule. This right here is your problem.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2023 21:31     Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I mean really this thread is a cautionary tale against:

1. Marrying man children.
2. Listening to women who mistake being taken advantage of for “strength”.


Ladies know your worth and teach your daughters!


Yes a million times. Too late for me. But I'll teach my daughter differently. Put yourself first. Don't take on everything, even if you are more than capable. I had a friend who told me a long time ago that I was doing it all wrong with men. That I should "make them run", act weak and demand they do things for me. She was from Armenia and at the time I thought she had a terribly old-fashioned and sexist view of relationships. But I never forgot what she said and it did resonate with me to some extent.


I don't think you have to act weak or helpless. You have standards and he either meets them or goes


Exactly, PP.

Yes, all of us *can* abuse our bodies and our mental health, put ourselves at higher risk for post partum depression and psychosis while tanking our milk supply and giving short shrift to the recovery from childbirth which leads something like 1 in 3 postpartum women to experience pain during sex.

Or. We can expect that the resources of the family support us, not just demand from us. My mother paid for baby nurses because she didn’t want her daughters to struggle, she wanted us to heal and enjoy our babies. My husband brought me breakfast in bed because he wanted me to rest and recover just as much as he wanted our babies to grow and thrive and both of those things were more important to him than an extra few minutes of sleep— even when he went back to work.

I do not look at my daughter and think “you should tough it out because I did” I look at her and think “a person worthy of you will value you and I will make sure you value yourself”
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2023 21:31     Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:


What happened to Mom’s daytime naps??





Op refuses to nap during the day.
Her husband refuses to share in night care

They both refuse outside help.


I think the best advice.is to be one and done

OP can fix only herself. She can keep refusing to take a nap, and continue fighting with her husband. Sounds like children having children, although we aren’t talking about teens here.


DP. Agree she can only fix herself which is why if DH continued to refuse to compromise, I’d be hiring a night nurse.


Yep.

OP needs a 4-5 hour stretch of sleep each day ( or close toit). Shorts naps during the day is not sufficient sleep.

Her DH could sleep from 12 midnight to 6.30 and workout for 30 min a day. On days he works from home he can work out longer since he starts work at 8.

If her DH cannot work with that, then they hire a night nanny

And if there are single women on here thinking that this man is a good husband, you better get therapy before you start looking for a husband. This is not it.

Anonymous
Post 01/02/2023 21:31     Subject: Re:Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have a very different perspective here as the parent of a kid with a genetic disorder. My kid hasn’t slept through the night in 13 years, and she never will. The reality is that both parents have to figure out how to pitch in here. I generally think the husband is wrong, but it is hard to tell without specific numbers on the table. Is there an 11 pm wake-up and he can sleep midnight to 7am? If so, his butt my needs to be up and doing this feeding. If he cannot get more than 4 hours of sleep in a row, Can he do both nights of the weekend while you catch up? Can you afford a night nurse? The reality is that all options need to be on the table.


And agree with the other poster, DO NOT HAVE MORE KIDS. He has shown you who he is. Unless he does a massive about face very quickly, believe him — this is all you may ever get.


All of this
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2023 21:25     Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your husband is working. How is he supposed to do his job with no sleep? You are asking way too much of him.


What’s the man baby going to do when his wife goes back to work? What will his excuse be then?


It's extra screwed up in our country cuz 12 weeks of maternity leave usually run smack dab 4 month old sleep regression.

In other countries, mothers tend to cosleep with their babies.

Op doesn't want to cosleep


That’s ok. I’m sure she’ll figure out what’s easiest for her.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2023 21:21     Subject: Re:Husband refuses to help with night feedings
My oldest was colicky and after the first two weeks of life took 30 minute naps- you could have set a clock to them. It was literally walk for 30 minutes to get her down, she would sleep 30 minutes, get up and eat do it all again. There were no naps for me and she screamed for hours every evening. I am still amazed we had a second. My DH got up and helped as much as he could every weekend because I was so sleep deprived it was scary. I would often pass out right ache got home around 7:30. He was doing everything he could, not demanding to get up and work out every morning. That’s not fair.

My second slept better and I did most of everything for my maternity leave and it was fine. DH spent as much time as he could with the older one. The point is, he was doing everything he could, and we both suffered more when it was harder. Honestly, the sleep is a red herring. He wants his old life back and wants you to make it happen. This is not about what’s right or wrong but about him recognizing you are struggling and need help. If he cares, you can find a compromise.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2023 21:21     Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your husband is working. How is he supposed to do his job with no sleep? You are asking way too much of him.


What’s the man baby going to do when his wife goes back to work? What will his excuse be then?


It's extra screwed up in our country cuz 12 weeks of maternity leave usually run smack dab 4 month old sleep regression.

In other countries, mothers tend to cosleep with their babies.

Op doesn't want to cosleep

Anonymous
Post 01/02/2023 21:19     Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I mean really this thread is a cautionary tale against:

1. Marrying man children.
2. Listening to women who mistake being taken advantage of for “strength”.


Ladies know your worth and teach your daughters!


Yes a million times. Too late for me. But I'll teach my daughter differently. Put yourself first. Don't take on everything, even if you are more than capable. I had a friend who told me a long time ago that I was doing it all wrong with men. That I should "make them run", act weak and demand they do things for me. She was from Armenia and at the time I thought she had a terribly old-fashioned and sexist view of relationships. But I never forgot what she said and it did resonate with me to some extent.


I don't think you have to act weak or helpless. You have standards and he either meets them or goes
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2023 21:17     Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:


What happened to Mom’s daytime naps??





Op refuses to nap during the day.
Her husband refuses to share in night care

They both refuse outside help.


I think the best advice.is to be one and done

OP can fix only herself. She can keep refusing to take a nap, and continue fighting with her husband. Sounds like children having children, although we aren’t talking about teens here.


DP. Agree she can only fix herself which is why if DH continued to refuse to compromise, I’d be hiring a night nurse.


But op doesn't want a stranger in her house
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2023 21:17     Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:I mean really this thread is a cautionary tale against:

1. Marrying man children.
2. Listening to women who mistake being taken advantage of for “strength”.


Ladies know your worth and teach your daughters!


Yes a million times. Too late for me. But I'll teach my daughter differently. Put yourself first. Don't take on everything, even if you are more than capable. I had a friend who told me a long time ago that I was doing it all wrong with men. That I should "make them run", act weak and demand they do things for me. She was from Armenia and at the time I thought she had a terribly old-fashioned and sexist view of relationships. But I never forgot what she said and it did resonate with me to some extent.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2023 21:15     Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your husband is working. How is he supposed to do his job with no sleep? You are asking way too much of him.


What’s the man baby going to do when his wife goes back to work? What will his excuse be then?


It's extra screwed up in our country cuz 12 weeks of maternity leave usually run smack dab 4 month old sleep regression.

In other countries, mothers tend to cosleep with their babies.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2023 21:14     Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:


What happened to Mom’s daytime naps??





Op refuses to nap during the day.
Her husband refuses to share in night care

They both refuse outside help.


I think the best advice.is to be one and done


Who are these people acting like it's just so easy to nap in the day with a newborn? Do you even know how short those "naps" are? By the time you are done pumping and warmed up your coffee they're about to wake up again. Plus you are in a state of constant vigilance and it can be really hard to fall asleep on command. I could only truly fall asleep in the day if I knew someone else was in charge.
Men have a hard time stepping up for baby number 1. When the second one comes, they have no choice so it equalizes a bit. Also husbands: women keep count. Don't support her when she needs it the most and be ready to suffer the consequences down the line.



Yes I do know how short those naps are.
And I still say that she needs to try and rest during the day.

You don't drink the coffee.
Her husband is being a brat, but that doesn't negate the need to care for herself.
And this high anxiety mommy martyrdom you're advocating just isn't it
.and men who are jerks with baby one don't get a second child
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2023 21:13     Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your husband is working. How is he supposed to do his job with no sleep? You are asking way too much of him.


What’s the man baby going to do when his wife goes back to work? What will his excuse be then?


It's extra screwed up in our country cuz 12 weeks of maternity leave usually run smack dab 4 month old sleep regression.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2023 21:12     Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:


What happened to Mom’s daytime naps??





Op refuses to nap during the day.
Her husband refuses to share in night care

They both refuse outside help.


I think the best advice.is to be one and done

OP can fix only herself. She can keep refusing to take a nap, and continue fighting with her husband. Sounds like children having children, although we aren’t talking about teens here.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2023 21:12     Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:1) stop changing the baby’s diaper at night unless he poops

2) don’t wash your pump parts each time- stick them in the fridge like you would if you were pumping at work.

I think your dh should take one of the shifts, but will say that I did all nighttime stuff with 2 kids bc I was nursing and the baby (and I) went back to sleep quickly bc neither of us fully woke up for feedings),

Another reason why breastfeeding is brilliant.