Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find people on this thread incredibly naive about how life really works.

I was in a similar situation to the sister. There was only one incident and I shut it down and told my mother.

And then life went on. No one was reported or charged. We maintained our family life. I forgave my father and moved on. He babysat our kids and life moved on.

It is a fiction that you can blow up relationships like this and have it be better. For us we needed our father's income growing up. I would not have been better off without him. In addition, I loved my dad. His terrible mistake and all.

When one of your kids tells you they were also molested, will you tell them you knew your father was a child molester? Will you complain if your children cut you off?

Well none of that happened, drama lama. My kids are grown now and fine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you for all the replies, even the ones flaming me. The perspective is useful.

My sister has always maintained that it wasn’t rape. I don’t really know the details and didn’t feel right asking my sister about them. She said it was a pattern, many incidents over a period of many years. Our mom used to travel for work and would leave my sister alone with stepdad (and me and our other sibling, but we didn’t know anything was amiss).

Even though my sister is extremely financially successful, she does have a pattern of being a bit of a pot stirrer within the family. For example, she once sent a letter to several family members stating that our mom was financially abusing our grandfather and trying to get everyone on board to take over grandpa’s finances. She also reported our mom to adult protective services for elder abuse. I was not involved in any of this, but it is true that our mom was probably taking advantage of grandpa for many years.

My sister does not really like that I talk to our mom and historically, mom and sister have sometimes been competitive over me and my sibling. A teeny tiny part of me wonders if this isn’t the ultimate card that my sister has to play to get me over to her side and burn the bridge with mom, once and for all.

I’m just explaining why I’m slightly less tenacious about this than I maybe should be.

Regardless, I appreciate the discussion here.

I wonder if your sister has BPD and does these things because she had childhood sexual trauma.

Childhood sexual trauma > caused BPD > causes her to make allegations against tons of people ?

Anonymous wrote:Why has your sister not reported this? If it was a teacher, scout leader, or clergy person then folks would be raising the roof. But it's okay to protect family members?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find people on this thread incredibly naive about how life really works.

I was in a similar situation to the sister. There was only one incident and I shut it down and told my mother.

And then life went on. No one was reported or charged. We maintained our family life. I forgave my father and moved on. He babysat our kids and life moved on.

It is a fiction that you can blow up relationships like this and have it be better. For us we needed our father's income growing up. I would not have been better off without him. In addition, I loved my dad. His terrible mistake and all.

People finding this disturbing and people “soldiering on” are in no way contradictory. They happen alongside one another all the time.

I don’t personally do it. I am in a family, not a military unit, and I will not be “soldiering” for anyone to whom I am related. Their behavior is on them. Sometimes it has consequences. Those are also on them.

OTOH I did not grow up in a family in which this happened, so my perception of what is normal was not affected by having that experiences.

Am I the only one that finds this disturbing? I find this unforgivable regardless if it was just once, and over my dead body would I let him be alone with my children. Once that line is crossed by a parent, there is no going back. I consider myself a flexible thinker but this one got me.

.
Pretty sure most of us find this disturbing.

No, this is actually what MOST people do. They get through it and soldier on.

I know several families like this from when I was a kid in the 60s. There was no leaving abusers. Wives didn't have jobs and if the scandal of abuse became known, the entire family was ostracized.

Anonymous wrote:Why has your sister not reported this? If it was a teacher, scout leader, or clergy person then folks would be raising the roof. But it's okay to protect family members?

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you for all the replies, even the ones flaming me. The perspective is useful.

My sister has always maintained that it wasn’t rape. I don’t really know the details and didn’t feel right asking my sister about them. She said it was a pattern, many incidents over a period of many years. Our mom used to travel for work and would leave my sister alone with stepdad (and me and our other sibling, but we didn’t know anything was amiss).

Even though my sister is extremely financially successful, she does have a pattern of being a bit of a pot stirrer within the family. For example, she once sent a letter to several family members stating that our mom was financially abusing our grandfather and trying to get everyone on board to take over grandpa’s finances. She also reported our mom to adult protective services for elder abuse. I was not involved in any of this, but it is true that our mom was probably taking advantage of grandpa for many years.

My sister does not really like that I talk to our mom and historically, mom and sister have sometimes been competitive over me and my sibling. A teeny tiny part of me wonders if this isn’t the ultimate card that my sister has to play to get me over to her side and burn the bridge with mom, once and for all.

I’m just explaining why I’m slightly less tenacious about this than I maybe should be.

Regardless, I appreciate the discussion here.

Anonymous wrote:Why has your sister not reported this? If it was a teacher, scout leader, or clergy person then folks would be raising the roof. But it's okay to protect family members?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find people on this thread incredibly naive about how life really works.

I was in a similar situation to the sister. There was only one incident and I shut it down and told my mother.

And then life went on. No one was reported or charged. We maintained our family life. I forgave my father and moved on. He babysat our kids and life moved on.

It is a fiction that you can blow up relationships like this and have it be better. For us we needed our father's income growing up. I would not have been better off without him. In addition, I loved my dad. His terrible mistake and all.

Am I the only one that finds this disturbing? I find this unforgivable regardless if it was just once, and over my dead body would I let him be alone with my children. Once that line is crossed by a parent, there is no going back. I consider myself a flexible thinker but this one got me.

.
Pretty sure most of us find this disturbing.

No, this is actually what MOST people do. They get through it and soldier on.

I know several families like this from when I was a kid in the 60s. There was no leaving abusers. Wives didn't have jobs and if the scandal of abuse became known, the entire family was ostracized.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find people on this thread incredibly naive about how life really works.

I was in a similar situation to the sister. There was only one incident and I shut it down and told my mother.

And then life went on. No one was reported or charged. We maintained our family life. I forgave my father and moved on. He babysat our kids and life moved on.

It is a fiction that you can blow up relationships like this and have it be better. For us we needed our father's income growing up. I would not have been better off without him. In addition, I loved my dad. His terrible mistake and all.

When one of your kids tells you they were also molested, will you tell them you knew your father was a child molester? Will you complain if your children cut you off?

Well none of that happened, drama lama. My kids are grown now and fine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find people on this thread incredibly naive about how life really works.

I was in a similar situation to the sister. There was only one incident and I shut it down and told my mother.

And then life went on. No one was reported or charged. We maintained our family life. I forgave my father and moved on. He babysat our kids and life moved on.

It is a fiction that you can blow up relationships like this and have it be better. For us we needed our father's income growing up. I would not have been better off without him. In addition, I loved my dad. His terrible mistake and all.

Am I the only one that finds this disturbing? I find this unforgivable regardless if it was just once, and over my dead body would I let him be alone with my children. Once that line is crossed by a parent, there is no going back. I consider myself a flexible thinker but this one got me.

.
Pretty sure most of us find this disturbing.