Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - idk why ppl are invalidating you. Yes it’s weird! I assume you would already know if they had a weird contentious relationship. Your dh should call brother and say - hey this is your mom - wtf?

Like I said before, it sounds like the OP's brother-in-law that his mother's lived way longer than anyone deserve to live. I think it's impressive that he hasn't the fact that she's his mother blind him from the truth.

Longer than anyone deserves to live? Wtf kind of thinking is that? How bizarre. Who are you to decide how long someone deserves to live?

Who is the OP to decide what her brother-in-law's responsibilities are?

If this happened yesterday, I might give him some grace. When you’re far away and others are close it can be hard to know what to do and people aren’t necessary in their right mind. He may be thinking “if she’s in the hospital, there’s not much I can do - let me figure out my schedule and a longterm plan to get up there” or something along those lines. Not logical, but people don’t always behave logically. And sometime they need the local person to say “this is how it is, you really should come” even if it seems obvious to you while there,

I say this as someone who is currently negotiating a dying parent with my numerous siblings and stepmother. We all love my dad dearly and are pausing our lives to care for him but in different ways. There’s one in the group who has been acting very frustratingly but I’ve come to understand they are just ill equipped to deal with end of life issues and in a bit of denial. I had to spell it out for her: “dad likely has less than a week left, when he asks you for your time, maybe you should just give it.” That was a wake up call for them - she was in denial.

It’s been baffling, and hard, but giving people some grace - while being straight with what you think is needed as the one closest to the situation - is ultimately going to serve everyone better than judgement.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 91 yo she is overdue for dying.

What an awful thing to say.

But true. We all die. Fact of life.

+1

+2

Agree with other PP - very few of us have the luxury of living healthily into their 90's. Those that do, and those who are settled into an accommodating, comfortable living situation, are exceptionally lucky. Most older people do not get that - you can call it "poor planning" or whatever, but some people get lucky from their spouse (ie: not anything they did), and some do not. If I had that luxury, I would be thrilled and grateful (not entitled).

Sibling should be stepping up, but don't expect much after a certain age, OP.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 91 yo she is overdue for dying.

What an awful thing to say.

But true. We all die. Fact of life.

+1

+2

Agree with other PP - very few of us have the luxury of living healthily into their 90's. Those that do, and those who are settled into an accommodating, comfortable living situation, are exceptionally lucky. Most older people do not get that - you can call it "poor planning" or whatever, but some people get lucky from their spouse (ie: not anything they did), and some do not. If I had that luxury, I would be thrilled and grateful (not entitled).

Sibling should be stepping up, but don't expect much after a certain age, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your mom, not your call. Sorry. He obviously knows she is dying and doesn't care much.

+1

DH has a sibling that lives independently - but barely (and should definitely not be). The sibling does not get the care they need, and should be in a different setting - but they (the other siblings) pretend all is well and go on with their lives for decades, while that siblings mental and physical health spirals downward. They maybe visited that sibling once per year, for decades. They are stepping up, only slightly, lately - but it is probably too little, too late.

Some people only see themselves, OP.

This is different. That sibling sound like they're still young enough to deserve to be alive. Maybe even some of the siblings refusing to help are older than said sibling.

Wow. Who gets to draw that line?

My rule of thumb is that if you're not too old to deserve to be alive, you're not too old to take care of yourself.

DP here. I see your point. If you pride yourself on being "independent", then don't expect others to jump for you, especially when they are still raising their own families. It is different when your children become empty nesters and/or retired, and have all the time in the world, truly.

Also, if you brought nothing but strife when your grandchildren were born, don't expect them to have a favorable opinion of you. If you don't treat both of their parents with respect and love and kindness, the grandchildren will know, and they will automatically think less of you. That is your own doing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your mom, not your call. Sorry. He obviously knows she is dying and doesn't care much.

+1

DH has a sibling that lives independently - but barely (and should definitely not be). The sibling does not get the care they need, and should be in a different setting - but they (the other siblings) pretend all is well and go on with their lives for decades, while that siblings mental and physical health spirals downward. They maybe visited that sibling once per year, for decades. They are stepping up, only slightly, lately - but it is probably too little, too late.

Some people only see themselves, OP.

This is different. That sibling sound like they're still young enough to deserve to be alive. Maybe even some of the siblings refusing to help are older than said sibling.

Wow. Who gets to draw that line?

My rule of thumb is that if you're not too old to deserve to be alive, you're not too old to take care of yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your mom, not your call. Sorry. He obviously knows she is dying and doesn't care much.

+1

DH has a sibling that lives independently - but barely (and should definitely not be). The sibling does not get the care they need, and should be in a different setting - but they (the other siblings) pretend all is well and go on with their lives for decades, while that siblings mental and physical health spirals downward. They maybe visited that sibling once per year, for decades. They are stepping up, only slightly, lately - but it is probably too little, too late.

Some people only see themselves, OP.

This is different. That sibling sound like they're still young enough to deserve to be alive. Maybe even some of the siblings refusing to help are older than said sibling.

No, more of mental load/learned incompetence, as other PP stated.

This is might be a mental load situation. Siblings/children who are not physically close to the parent, when another sibling/ child is, will often abandon the mental load and physical caretaking. Your DH needs to tell his siblings what he needs. It is an unfair burden that one child ends up being the defacto caretaker and also has to specifically ask other siblings for support, but it's a scenario that plays out far too often. The siblings often cannot anticipate any needs you or the parent may have, because you always have the situation under control. It goes back to the same problem parents w/ younger children have with mental load and fair play. Learned incompetence

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your mom, not your call. Sorry. He obviously knows she is dying and doesn't care much.

+1

DH has a sibling that lives independently - but barely (and should definitely not be). The sibling does not get the care they need, and should be in a different setting - but they (the other siblings) pretend all is well and go on with their lives for decades, while that siblings mental and physical health spirals downward. They maybe visited that sibling once per year, for decades. They are stepping up, only slightly, lately - but it is probably too little, too late.

Some people only see themselves, OP.

This is different. That sibling sound like they're still young enough to deserve to be alive. Maybe even some of the siblings refusing to help are older than said sibling.

Wow. Who gets to draw that line?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your mom, not your call. Sorry. He obviously knows she is dying and doesn't care much.

+1

DH has a sibling that lives independently - but barely (and should definitely not be). The sibling does not get the care they need, and should be in a different setting - but they (the other siblings) pretend all is well and go on with their lives for decades, while that siblings mental and physical health spirals downward. They maybe visited that sibling once per year, for decades. They are stepping up, only slightly, lately - but it is probably too little, too late.

Some people only see themselves, OP.

This is different. That sibling sound like they're still young enough to deserve to be alive. Maybe even some of the siblings refusing to help are older than said sibling.

Anonymous wrote:Not your mom, not your call. Sorry. He obviously knows she is dying and doesn't care much.

+1

DH has a sibling that lives independently - but barely (and should definitely not be). The sibling does not get the care they need, and should be in a different setting - but they (the other siblings) pretend all is well and go on with their lives for decades, while that siblings mental and physical health spirals downward. They maybe visited that sibling once per year, for decades. They are stepping up, only slightly, lately - but it is probably too little, too late.

Some people only see themselves, OP.

Anonymous wrote:I’m annoyed- and surprised - but maybe this is normal? My 91 year old mother in law suffered a stroke last night. We’ve been at hospital all night. She’s doing bit better but at her age in ICU as they can’t predict if she’ll heal and can’t treat it. So they are saying she’ll be in ICU for at least 3 more days. Then maybe rehab hospital- we aren’t sure what will happen with her assisted living siatuokn and if she can return there at some point?
However We texted and called the other brother- who is retired footloose and fancy free- he lives a few states away but is actually visiting his son 4 hours away.
They just told us to keep them informed. WTF!!
I can’t believe they don’t drive up to check on her and help. We both work full time demanding jobs and have three young kids. And with all that, if roles were reversed, even states away I (or my husband) would fly to our parent.
My husband is spending night with her and I’m going back and forth today to drop off things and check on them.

But wouldn’t most people with a 91 year old mom having a stroke visit? Come check and see in person? As doctors have stated, at that age there is no percentage chance they can provide for which direction thiis goes. She seems to be talking and moving- but today bit tougher afternoon. Maybe my expectations are off.

Most people never have 91-year-old parents for the simple reason that hardly anyone lives that long. In the event that one does have a living 91-year-old parent, they're probably ready for said parent to die, and are happy that they lived as long as they did.

Anonymous wrote:Who under the age of 75 would benefit from your BIL showing up?

I'm asking because one has to be under 75 in order to be worth making sacrifices for.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 91 yo she is overdue for dying.

What an awful thing to say.

But true. We all die. Fact of life.

And very, very, few of us will live to 91.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 91 yo she is overdue for dying.

What an awful thing to say.

But true. We all die. Fact of life.

+1