Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Topics encouraged for discussion at every visit: the fatness of FIL’s sister and it’s complementary topic, the discipline of MIL.

I hate to know: Is FIL fat or disciplined?

He is disciplined and not overweight, but not as much as disordered MIL. They like to discuss the weight of other family members, and reference, each visit, that MIL weighed the same when she left the hospital after having DH as she did before she got pregnant. I was first informed of this when I was 7 months pregnant.

This must be an American thing. Between my Russian, Armenian and Arab sides of the family, the women would feel compelled to throw ashes on their heads and then throw themselves off the town walls, Masada style, if there was ever a whisper that guests left their house hungry. I mean they would prefer someone to declare their daughter a whore than to blame them for not feeding their guests enough food.

I entirely blame Weight Watchers and their bizarre 1200 calories/day for life mentality.

I’m so glad I found this thread. I had no idea this was a common issue, and my mother has suffered from this strange mental issue for the last several years. The food control at her house is intense - she berates my sister (who is incredibly fit) for eating “too many blueberries” or insists that we are “wasting all the eggs” when we make an omelette.

Anyways, my solution has been to pack food in the car and feed the kids snacks from there (we have a cooler in there) and we usually do an outing before lunchtime and have that meal outside the house.

Is this connected to the issue where parents 70+ keep food in their fridge long past expiration? I’m talking condiments from 10 years ago, leftovers that are weeks old…so gross.

Anonymous wrote:Topics encouraged for discussion at every visit: the fatness of FIL’s sister and it’s complementary topic, the discipline of MIL.

I hate to know: Is FIL fat or disciplined?

Topics encouraged for discussion at every visit: the fatness of FIL’s sister and it’s complementary topic, the discipline of MIL.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I have any advice to share, but this is pretty shocking.

It is one thing for a host to slack on hosting duties - not great, but forgivable.

But to actively comment on and discourage helping themselves, even to food that they bring themselves? That seems so deranged. I guess old people can get weird explanation might make sense...

In my family it’s a passive commentary and criticism of body weight. The implication is that if you aren’t model thin, why are you taking in calories?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My aunt was like this too when we would visit. I never said anything but my cousin (her daughter) noticed and told her mom to have some snacks for the kids. Now she puts out an elaborate spread of thawed leftovers that she saved specifically for our visit. Like a couple slices of month-old pizza, one uneaten egg roll sliced into medallions... All I wanted was some crackers and peanut butter.

OMG this is worse than no food.

If my choices are no food or food poisoning, think I’ll just stay home.

My ILs run on a variation of this theme. They only eat when the clock says it’s time to eat. It doesn’t matter if they, or anyone else might be hungry, if it’s not 6 o’clock, we don’t eat dinner. Lunch is when the clock says it’s noon.

Once we were visiting, I made my kids dinner at 5:30 after asking if anyone was hungry and getting a room full of no. When I pulled the pan out of the oven, ILs started walking by, picking the food off the pan and eating it. Was it really going to be so earth shattering to eat at 5:30 instead of 6, especially if you appear to be hungry??

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope all the other cultures are taking note of why "americans so easily cut off family" -- at least you guys are getting fed!

Yeah, I grew up in an Eastern European family where too little food was never an issue. My mother and aunts might have a host of personality issues, but if they ever suspected one of their guests might leave the table hungry, they would have committed ritual suicide due to the shame. I’ve found this to be true of people of all non-WASP backgrounds.

Letting your guests go hungry is the sign of a terrible person.

+1 Grew up Catholic and DH is African American - you don't exit our house without a go plate and that's on non-holidays. The idea of someone walking away hungry is genuinely upsetting to me, and as people in our families get older they may eat less personally but they're constantly checking on younger people to see whether they need seconds or are feeling peckish. WASPs on these boards seem miserable in general, though.

This is so relatable. I come from Irish/German Catholics on both sides. I have internalized this big time. Anytime I have guests, I go overboard on options and portions. For someone to be hungry is simply not an option. We can always have leftovers to snack on between meals if it's too much Married into a semi-WASPy family. They aren't terrible, but definitely less food centric. Once my FIL asked me if I had a tapeworm, because I was having a snack.... I was a size 4 at the time

I come from the other kind of Irish-American. Filled with self-loathing, both distrustful of pleasure and highly addictive, horrible cooks and mostly taste blind. By the time I was a kid, they had mostly stopped drinking, so every holiday was sticky buns and coffee and cigarettes, followed by chocolate chip cookies and coffee and cigarettes. No meals until roast beef and potatoes at 6:00. I loved it.

DP. The southern Appalachian, Scots-Irish side of my family would be horrified at the idea of not providing enough food for guests to feel truly stuffed. Some of my Midwestern in-laws are a bit more like what OP describes, and it just boggles my mind, especially when they try to enforce that behavior on very young children.
My DD is extremely petite for her age so, yes, FIL, she does in fact need that full-fat milk and yogurt, and some protein options as snacks. Pediatrician said so

Anonymous wrote:My Jewish parents and inlaws serve a ton of food and then comment on the calories while people eat it. Still better than no food but it's extremely annoying. Every conversation is about calories and weight. I don't want my kids exposed to that. Also, half the time my inlaws decline servings of things because "we are watching our portions!" but then they eat everyone else's leftovers.

My FIL once spent an entire visit “counting” every carb in every meal I prepared, even declined sliced tomatoes with fresh mozzarella because “how many carbs are in tomatoes?” then proceeded to make an enormous ice cream sundae for himself after dinner. After rejecting most of my entire dinner. Ask me how much time I spend making dinners for my ILs now.

My Jewish parents and inlaws serve a ton of food and then comment on the calories while people eat it. Still better than no food but it's extremely annoying. Every conversation is about calories and weight. I don't want my kids exposed to that. Also, half the time my inlaws decline servings of things because "we are watching our portions!" but then they eat everyone else's leftovers.

On my WASP side my family is like this (Catholic side are fine haha). I am the only one who has little kids, and most people just want breakfast and dinner, maybe some nuts or a light snack in between.

However, they are also not insane and once I pointed out to my mom that this was a problem for my family bc my kids (and husband) need at least three meals a day, they made an effort to accommodate us and always ask ahead of a visit what they should buy so that there is enough for us. My mom will still sometimes make an incredulous comment about how much/how often my family eats, but she has also had borderline anorexia her whole life and is totally weird about food, so I have gotten used to ignoring her comments.

This is reminding me of my visits to my elderly father. He doesn't keep much food in the house, doesn't clean well (I clean the house when I'm there), and I don't like to eat or cook in his kitchen when I visit. I will not take my kids there for Thanksgiving because they have food allergies and there are very few places in his town that can feed them, and none of them are serving Thanksgiving. I will go and get Starbucks coffee each morning (there is one in the town, he only has instant in his house). He'll bring out a coupon for Arby's for dinner that he wants to use at least one night of my trip. I usually order pizza one night while he eats leftovers. He doesn't like restaurants so we usually eat in on tray tables while the tv blares, but then seems surprised when I leave the room after to let him watch his shows loudly. Ugh he used to be so very not-elderly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope all the other cultures are taking note of why "americans so easily cut off family" -- at least you guys are getting fed!

Yeah, I grew up in an Eastern European family where too little food was never an issue. My mother and aunts might have a host of personality issues, but if they ever suspected one of their guests might leave the table hungry, they would have committed ritual suicide due to the shame. I’ve found this to be true of people of all non-WASP backgrounds.

Letting your guests go hungry is the sign of a terrible person.

+1 Grew up Catholic and DH is African American - you don't exit our house without a go plate and that's on non-holidays. The idea of someone walking away hungry is genuinely upsetting to me, and as people in our families get older they may eat less personally but they're constantly checking on younger people to see whether they need seconds or are feeling peckish. WASPs on these boards seem miserable in general, though.

This is so relatable. I come from Irish/German Catholics on both sides. I have internalized this big time. Anytime I have guests, I go overboard on options and portions. For someone to be hungry is simply not an option. We can always have leftovers to snack on between meals if it's too much Married into a semi-WASPy family. They aren't terrible, but definitely less food centric. Once my FIL asked me if I had a tapeworm, because I was having a snack.... I was a size 4 at the time

I come from the other kind of Irish-American. Filled with self-loathing, both distrustful of pleasure and highly addictive, horrible cooks and mostly taste blind. By the time I was a kid, they had mostly stopped drinking, so every holiday was sticky buns and coffee and cigarettes, followed by chocolate chip cookies and coffee and cigarettes. No meals until roast beef and potatoes at 6:00. I loved it.

Jesus, that sounds like a scene out of a Frank McCourt novel.