Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone excoriating OP? The emotional/kissing affair ended before it went too far, it happened over time with someone he knew, he wasn't out looking for other women, he confessed, it's over. At least he didn't sleep with the lady and then leave his wife and children for a homewrecker. Then you all would crucify him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are amusing to a point, but mostly just tiresome. You sound like a horrible and immature life partner, and I hope your wife wises up.
In this thread you make it abundantly clear that you feel your only screw-up was getting caught. Any other claim to feeling you were in the wrong rings hollow.
Sounds more like you expect your wife to understand your disappointment with losing your affair partner and coddle you while you pine away on the couch.
ew.

Pretty spot on. I regret getting caught more than anything

OP, what do you bring to the table for anyone in this? You are a crap friend, a crap husband, you mope on the couch. What did you have to offer to the woman, or to anyone, in this equation? My best guess is you are depressed, the texting affair was a way to address your depression, and the fact that it ended has made you more depressed. You need to treat your depression, not avoid it by having an affair.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are amusing to a point, but mostly just tiresome. You sound like a horrible and immature life partner, and I hope your wife wises up.
In this thread you make it abundantly clear that you feel your only screw-up was getting caught. Any other claim to feeling you were in the wrong rings hollow.
Sounds more like you expect your wife to understand your disappointment with losing your affair partner and coddle you while you pine away on the couch.
ew.

Pretty spot on. I regret getting caught more than anything

OP, what do you bring to the table for anyone in this? You are a crap friend, a crap husband, you mope on the couch. What did you have to offer to the woman, or to anyone, in this equation? My best guess is you are depressed, the texting affair was a way to address your depression, and the fact that it ended has made you more depressed. You need to treat your depression, not avoid it by having an affair.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are amusing to a point, but mostly just tiresome. You sound like a horrible and immature life partner, and I hope your wife wises up.
In this thread you make it abundantly clear that you feel your only screw-up was getting caught. Any other claim to feeling you were in the wrong rings hollow.
Sounds more like you expect your wife to understand your disappointment with losing your affair partner and coddle you while you pine away on the couch.
ew.

Pretty spot on. I regret getting caught more than anything

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are amusing to a point, but mostly just tiresome. You sound like a horrible and immature life partner, and I hope your wife wises up.
In this thread you make it abundantly clear that you feel your only screw-up was getting caught. Any other claim to feeling you were in the wrong rings hollow.
Sounds more like you expect your wife to understand your disappointment with losing your affair partner and coddle you while you pine away on the couch.
ew.

Pretty spot on. I regret getting caught more than anything

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are amusing to a point, but mostly just tiresome. You sound like a horrible and immature life partner, and I hope your wife wises up.
In this thread you make it abundantly clear that you feel your only screw-up was getting caught. Any other claim to feeling you were in the wrong rings hollow.
Sounds more like you expect your wife to understand your disappointment with losing your affair partner and coddle you while you pine away on the couch.
ew.

Anonymous wrote:In my defense she texted me at innapropriate times but I have her muted and my wife doesn’t go through my phone. I think he was already suspicious about something going on.
I made a mistake, I had been drinking, but we both had been careless.
I get all the hate. And I deserve it. I don’t know why this is affecting me so much.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Wow, no cheater is going to win any character awards, but you are really low - your AP was a friend’s wife, and when caught all you moan about is YOUR feelings? You seriously destroyed another marriage (even if it survives) and your own wife, and express zero remorse for your friend, your own wife or any of your sh!tty decisions and actions? Even your AP seemed to immediately snap back to reality when caught. You REALLY need therapy and to find empathy and remorse.

FFS he didn’t destroy anything they didn’t even have sex. This is all so immature.

I’m guessing you are a guy? This isn’t how women see it.

I’m a woman actually. Of course it’s a problem, but if there was no physical relationship the issue is a much less bigger deal. He is immature and a loser but this need not destroy both marriages.

You can do things that destroy marriages without having sex with another person. The main things that seem to be the problem to me are the lack of empathy, remorse, and not taking initiative to, well, get off the couch. Those things do destroy marriages, even without another person involved.

This! I have children, so I wanted to save my marriage, even after my dh had a year-long, intense emotional affair (allegedly — I’m not sure I buy that they didn’t have sex), but he had no remorse and just couldn’t even pretend to give a damn about my feelings. What I learned is that even if he never cheats on anyone again, his underlying issues that lead to his EA will still be there. He’s selfish and there’s nothing he won’t justify doing, no matter how detrimental it may be to other people, if he benefits from it. He can stop cheating, but he’ll still be a self-centered prick in a 1000 other, smaller ways because of his tendency to put his desires above other people’s desires (and even needs!), including his own children.

Absolutely. If OP had gone past kissing to sex, but he took the initiative to cut off contact with the AP, gave his wife a sincere apology, didn’t let himself pine for AP, acknowledged the bad emotional space he was in and set up an appointment with a therapist, etc., I think that would be preferable. Physical intimacy with another person is just one small part of the problem when it comes to an affair. The primary issue is who you are as a person and your willingness to improve (plus actually acting on that willingness). And really that’s no different from any other mistake a spouse makes.

(Disclaimer: I don’t want to downplay the serious of physical intimacy. I just don’t see it as the primary problem)

Anonymous wrote:In my defense she texted me at innapropriate times but I have her muted and my wife doesn’t go through my phone. I think he was already suspicious about something going on.
I made a mistake, I had been drinking, but we both had been careless.
I get all the hate. And I deserve it. I don’t know why this is affecting me so much.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, no cheater is going to win any character awards, but you are really low - your AP was a friend’s wife, and when caught all you moan about is YOUR feelings? You seriously destroyed another marriage (even if it survives) and your own wife, and express zero remorse for your friend, your own wife or any of your sh!tty decisions and actions? Even your AP seemed to immediately snap back to reality when caught. You REALLY need therapy and to find empathy and remorse.

FFS he didn’t destroy anything they didn’t even have sex. This is all so immature.

I’m guessing you are a guy? This isn’t how women see it.

I’m a woman actually. Of course it’s a problem, but if there was no physical relationship the issue is a much less bigger deal. He is immature and a loser but this need not destroy both marriages.

You can do things that destroy marriages without having sex with another person. The main things that seem to be the problem to me are the lack of empathy, remorse, and not taking initiative to, well, get off the couch. Those things do destroy marriages, even without another person involved.

This! I have children, so I wanted to save my marriage, even after my dh had a year-long, intense emotional affair (allegedly — I’m not sure I buy that they didn’t have sex), but he had no remorse and just couldn’t even pretend to give a damn about my feelings. What I learned is that even if he never cheats on anyone again, his underlying issues that lead to his EA will still be there. He’s selfish and there’s nothing he won’t justify doing, no matter how detrimental it may be to other people, if he benefits from it. He can stop cheating, but he’ll still be a self-centered prick in a 1000 other, smaller ways because of his tendency to put his desires above other people’s desires (and even needs!), including his own children.