Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For most college-educated people, doesn't this work itself out? Your pool of partners who you are naturally exposed to are other college-educated people. If you're a high energy person, you find other high energy people. I was never attracted to the guys who sat around their mother's basements or never wanted to go anywhere or do anything or who were generally under achieving. Were any of you?

I never gave a thought to whether my husband was rich, would be rich, etc. We were pretty young when we met.

I do, however, think people are naive about how much harder life is worrying about money all the time.

You can’t just filter for high energy or whatever. My DH had a STEM from an Ivy, and we married in grad school, but he was idealistic and wanted to do “meaningful” work (think environmental startups, educational technology, climate tech) and the only people who make money from they are founders (and DH is smart and works hard but is not hard nosed and ruthless enough for business).

You need to get someone who is focus on the money, and is a bit hard edged to elbow their way up the ladder. I wish I had; I thought DH was nice and we would be comfortable on his technical salary, but costs have far outstripped his earnings.

OP here. To the PP's saying marry within your circle and you will be ok. Well, I did. I met DH at a prestigious post grad internship where I thought ok. If he can get into this program, he is going places. He is decent and a kind man but he is a dreamer and an idealist. He doesn't care for money.

Well 10 years later. Money matters A LOT. I am angry and bitter.

Your situation is far more common than people want to acknowledge or admit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For most college-educated people, doesn't this work itself out? Your pool of partners who you are naturally exposed to are other college-educated people. If you're a high energy person, you find other high energy people. I was never attracted to the guys who sat around their mother's basements or never wanted to go anywhere or do anything or who were generally under achieving. Were any of you?

I never gave a thought to whether my husband was rich, would be rich, etc. We were pretty young when we met.

I do, however, think people are naive about how much harder life is worrying about money all the time.

You can’t just filter for high energy or whatever. My DH had a STEM from an Ivy, and we married in grad school, but he was idealistic and wanted to do “meaningful” work (think environmental startups, educational technology, climate tech) and the only people who make money from they are founders (and DH is smart and works hard but is not hard nosed and ruthless enough for business).

You need to get someone who is focus on the money, and is a bit hard edged to elbow their way up the ladder. I wish I had; I thought DH was nice and we would be comfortable on his technical salary, but costs have far outstripped his earnings.

OP here. To the PP's saying marry within your circle and you will be ok. Well, I did. I met DH at a prestigious post grad internship where I thought ok. If he can get into this program, he is going places. He is decent and a kind man but he is a dreamer and an idealist. He doesn't care for money.

Well 10 years later. Money matters A LOT. I am angry and bitter.

I don't get it. You didn't figure out he was a dreamer and idealist and money wasn't important to him when you were dating? Did you get married after 3 months? These things come out in so many ways. The very least which would be direct conversations about the topic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Feminism is about empowering women to do what they want. Not just to get high paying jobs. If a woman wants to stay home -- that is feminism. And other women should not be making comments about it.

You cannot possibly believe that. Most women I know who stay home are setting women back decades.

Yes I believe that. Stay home moms are making choices they get to make. That is feminism. Choice. Or do you not believe in that?

That's called "Choice Feminism" for a reason and it's pretty...fraught with issues. So no, you making a choice just because you are a woman does not make your choice a feminist choice. And that's fine, all choices don't have to be feminist, but being a feminist does generally include pushing forwards women's rights in spheres outside our own immediate decisions and our families to advance the greater good of women, which many can reasonably argue you do not do.

Curious what you and others who are stay at home moms based on it not being a feminist choice do you advance the cause of feminism? And I’m specifically replying to this comment because it seems very reasonable. But I have to think that merely working in a corporate environment doesn’t do much for the cause.

Once I had a baby, any concern about how my actions would impact the feminist movement went "bye-bye." All I cared about was that damn kid. My decision to stay at home were firmly and decidedly driven by the best interest of my kid(s). We lived in a crap apartment (crap everything really...), budgeted, and made do on one salary. (our finiancial situation has improved dramatically over the past ten years, btw.) I went back to work when the kids were in late elementary school - when they were actually sentinent and aware enough for the idea that "mom's job is a feminist statement" would actually sink in. No baby in the world cares about feminist ideals, they just want their mom.

Lol. Maybe go make your own money?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For most college-educated people, doesn't this work itself out? Your pool of partners who you are naturally exposed to are other college-educated people. If you're a high energy person, you find other high energy people. I was never attracted to the guys who sat around their mother's basements or never wanted to go anywhere or do anything or who were generally under achieving. Were any of you?

I never gave a thought to whether my husband was rich, would be rich, etc. We were pretty young when we met.

I do, however, think people are naive about how much harder life is worrying about money all the time.

You can’t just filter for high energy or whatever. My DH had a STEM from an Ivy, and we married in grad school, but he was idealistic and wanted to do “meaningful” work (think environmental startups, educational technology, climate tech) and the only people who make money from they are founders (and DH is smart and works hard but is not hard nosed and ruthless enough for business).

You need to get someone who is focus on the money, and is a bit hard edged to elbow their way up the ladder. I wish I had; I thought DH was nice and we would be comfortable on his technical salary, but costs have far outstripped his earnings.

OP here. To the PP's saying marry within your circle and you will be ok. Well, I did. I met DH at a prestigious post grad internship where I thought ok. If he can get into this program, he is going places. He is decent and a kind man but he is a dreamer and an idealist. He doesn't care for money.

Well 10 years later. Money matters A LOT. I am angry and bitter.

I get it OP. Money is important. You can marry and Ivy leaguer who makes 150k or you may marry a vocationally trained plumber who starts his own business, makes a franchise, and makes a million. There is no way to know for sure what your financial situation will look like in the future when you pick a mate. So yes. I would say those that fell in love with a good, kind person who also has been financially successful in the long term is a “win.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For most college-educated people, doesn't this work itself out? Your pool of partners who you are naturally exposed to are other college-educated people. If you're a high energy person, you find other high energy people. I was never attracted to the guys who sat around their mother's basements or never wanted to go anywhere or do anything or who were generally under achieving. Were any of you?

I never gave a thought to whether my husband was rich, would be rich, etc. We were pretty young when we met.

I do, however, think people are naive about how much harder life is worrying about money all the time.

You can’t just filter for high energy or whatever. My DH had a STEM from an Ivy, and we married in grad school, but he was idealistic and wanted to do “meaningful” work (think environmental startups, educational technology, climate tech) and the only people who make money from they are founders (and DH is smart and works hard but is not hard nosed and ruthless enough for business).

You need to get someone who is focus on the money, and is a bit hard edged to elbow their way up the ladder. I wish I had; I thought DH was nice and we would be comfortable on his technical salary, but costs have far outstripped his earnings.

OP here. To the PP's saying marry within your circle and you will be ok. Well, I did. I met DH at a prestigious post grad internship where I thought ok. If he can get into this program, he is going places. He is decent and a kind man but he is a dreamer and an idealist. He doesn't care for money.

Well 10 years later. Money matters A LOT. I am angry and bitter.

Anonymous wrote:Being a feminist and marrying someone rich are not mutually exclusive.

Being self-sufficinent and marrying someone rich are not mutually exclusive.

+1 This whole post is a logical fallacy.

If this is the burden put on “real” feminists, count me out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Feminism is about empowering women to do what they want. Not just to get high paying jobs. If a woman wants to stay home -- that is feminism. And other women should not be making comments about it.

You cannot possibly believe that. Most women I know who stay home are setting women back decades.

Yes I believe that. Stay home moms are making choices they get to make. That is feminism. Choice. Or do you not believe in that?

That's called "Choice Feminism" for a reason and it's pretty...fraught with issues. So no, you making a choice just because you are a woman does not make your choice a feminist choice. And that's fine, all choices don't have to be feminist, but being a feminist does generally include pushing forwards women's rights in spheres outside our own immediate decisions and our families to advance the greater good of women, which many can reasonably argue you do not do.

Curious what you and others who are stay at home moms based on it not being a feminist choice do you advance the cause of feminism? And I’m specifically replying to this comment because it seems very reasonable. But I have to think that merely working in a corporate environment doesn’t do much for the cause.

And I do agree with the idea that not all choices are feminist; you can’t choose to vote against the rights of women and call that choice feminist just because you’re a woman and you exercised a choice. But I am not sure that either being a stay at home mom or working outside the home are either inherently feminist choices or not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Feminism is about empowering women to do what they want. Not just to get high paying jobs. If a woman wants to stay home -- that is feminism. And other women should not be making comments about it.

You cannot possibly believe that. Most women I know who stay home are setting women back decades.

Yes I believe that. Stay home moms are making choices they get to make. That is feminism. Choice. Or do you not believe in that?

That's called "Choice Feminism" for a reason and it's pretty...fraught with issues. So no, you making a choice just because you are a woman does not make your choice a feminist choice. And that's fine, all choices don't have to be feminist, but being a feminist does generally include pushing forwards women's rights in spheres outside our own immediate decisions and our families to advance the greater good of women, which many can reasonably argue you do not do.

Curious what you and others who are stay at home moms based on it not being a feminist choice do you advance the cause of feminism? And I’m specifically replying to this comment because it seems very reasonable. But I have to think that merely working in a corporate environment doesn’t do much for the cause.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with above. I met my spouse in school and knew he was going to a fed job and that was just fine with me. It’s a comfortable life. Imagine my surprise after we get engaged, and I find out there is family money…. Lots of family money. You would never know it by his demeanor or habits or that of his family. They are very kind and down to earth people. I truly feel like I hit the lottery without planning for it. Life is very good and most importantly he loves me and treats me well.

Almost every other comment is like this. A self-congratulatory boastful post about how wonderful life is. Just think it's interesting and wondering what these women get out of it.

What they get out of it? Besides a wonderful life, as you put it?

I meant out of showing off on this thread and countless others.

OP asked a question and they answered with relevant information. They probably get the same things out of commenting as everybody else who does the same. What do you get out of commenting? Maybe none of us really get a lot out of this website and we should just do better things with our time?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with above. I met my spouse in school and knew he was going to a fed job and that was just fine with me. It’s a comfortable life. Imagine my surprise after we get engaged, and I find out there is family money…. Lots of family money. You would never know it by his demeanor or habits or that of his family. They are very kind and down to earth people. I truly feel like I hit the lottery without planning for it. Life is very good and most importantly he loves me and treats me well.

Almost every other comment is like this. A self-congratulatory boastful post about how wonderful life is. Just think it's interesting and wondering what these women get out of it.

What they get out of it? Besides a wonderful life, as you put it?

I meant out of showing off on this thread and countless others.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Feminism is about empowering women to do what they want. Not just to get high paying jobs. If a woman wants to stay home -- that is feminism. And other women should not be making comments about it.

You cannot possibly believe that. Most women I know who stay home are setting women back decades.

Yes I believe that. Stay home moms are making choices they get to make. That is feminism. Choice. Or do you not believe in that?

This comment is like 50 years behind the times I don't even know where to start with it. But no, your choice to run to the kitchen and the home is not anything that our foremothers were fighting for. Not even getting into intersectionality and how priveleged you need to be for this to be a "choice."

Don’t criticize the decision to be a stay at home mom based on “intersectionality.” Go back and read that Mikki Kendall quote. The whole “is it or isn’t it feminist to stay at home with kids” debate is essentially a white feminist debate. Keep having it, sure, but leave intersectionality out of it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with above. I met my spouse in school and knew he was going to a fed job and that was just fine with me. It’s a comfortable life. Imagine my surprise after we get engaged, and I find out there is family money…. Lots of family money. You would never know it by his demeanor or habits or that of his family. They are very kind and down to earth people. I truly feel like I hit the lottery without planning for it. Life is very good and most importantly he loves me and treats me well.

Almost every other comment is like this. A self-congratulatory boastful post about how wonderful life is. Just think it's interesting and wondering what these women get out of it.

What they get out of it? Besides a wonderful life, as you put it?

Anonymous wrote:I agree with above. I met my spouse in school and knew he was going to a fed job and that was just fine with me. It’s a comfortable life. Imagine my surprise after we get engaged, and I find out there is family money…. Lots of family money. You would never know it by his demeanor or habits or that of his family. They are very kind and down to earth people. I truly feel like I hit the lottery without planning for it. Life is very good and most importantly he loves me and treats me well.

Almost every other comment is like this. A self-congratulatory boastful post about how wonderful life is. Just think it's interesting and wondering what these women get out of it.