OP, if this isn't you, I thought you would find this thread useful.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/935314.page

Tell him to step it up. I have a baby a month older than yours and my husband is an involved parent. He works long hours but still comes home and takes the baby while I get some time to myself. We will switch off on cooking and cleaning up. He’s a better cook so he does it most of the time. I clean up while he puts baby to bed. Sometimes I do it all if he isn’t home by bedtime, but most days he is home by 6. Then we will spend time together until we go to bed. He is even more involved on the weekends. I get a couple of hours to sleep in and some time to myself. We spend time as a family on the weekends. Our son now sleeps through the night ( 11 hours), but he got up to do a night feeding when he used to wake up 2-3 times, and helped a lot when he was on paternity leave. You need to tell him he needs to be more involved and help out.

Thanks for the update, OP. Sounds like it was a productive conversation with your husband and hopefully getting these issues on the table will help get this sorted. Good luck!

OP here. I want to make this clear my husband is not controlling or violent in any way. He has never attacked me or even thought of raising a hand to me like the other pp suggested. He would never do that. He is very specific with what he likes, but he is not controlling. The baby getting breast milk during this time is very important to him. I don’t mind pumping during the day, but I would supplement and stop pumping at night.

We are both white and American. I worked 40 hours before baby and everything was divided equally for the most part. We ate out a lot more, and he would clean up when I did cook. I’ve been cooking because I want the best nutrition for myself and the baby.

We do take of his parents. I’ve been helping more. They’re elderly and I will usually go over once a week and help with cleaning, laundry, and meals for them. I will do their grocery shopping.

I had a talk with him last night after all the responses. I told him how I felt. He said he never knew because I would never express any of these feelings ( which is true). I know part of it is my fault because I wanted to feel like I can handle it all on my own. My husband did for 8 weeks while I pumped and recovered from birth. I didn’t want to seem like a failure.

I told him pumping during the night isn’t working and I’m supplementing. I’m mentally breaking down. He said do what I want. We will start supplementing tomorrow. I talked with my LC and we worked out a schedule to drop pumps.

I will be working on getting baby down for naps. He slept on his own until 8 weeks. He became alert and then it was difficult to put him down. We do play but it’s never for more than 20 minutes at a time. It’s usually tummy time, 10 minutes on the play mat, and looking around. I read 1-2 books a day to him.

I told him he needs to step it up. I had a talk with a friend who has a baby a couple of weeks older and her husband does so much. I had him ( we’re all friends) talk with him about everything. He grew up with a SAHM mom who did everything for them and his dad. His dad never cooked his own meals, childcare, or did his own laundry.

I’m hoping things change. I will be working from home PT and we will be being a nanny. I’m hoping we can find a nanny who can help with the nap issues, and do things around the house - baby bottles ( we soak and then sterilize everyday), laundry, and a quick clean.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team DH here. An infant that little doesn’t require much. I doubt it takes you all day to do all of those things. Cleaning maintenance only tasks an hour a day tops.

and where is the rolling around laughing one?

Clearly you never exclusively pumped for an infant who wouldn’t nap unless being held. This was my mat leave. Feed baby, change baby, pump while entertaining baby in bouncer or floor toys. Pray they don’t need to move around too much (harder as they get older and more curious.) grab whatever you can to eat or drink before attempting to put baby down for nap 1/4. End up sitting with them in chair so they nap for more than 15 minutes. Repeat. Do most of the night feedings - baby woke up like 4-5 times a night- because I was “home.” The sleep deprivation is real, as much as a joy parenting is, and exclusive pumping on top of a not well sleeping baby is HARD.

OP, I too had to pump like 8 times a day to build my supply. Struggled with the same things you did with my husband- I was “home” so it was all my job even though I was busy all day between taking care of the baby and pumping (and cleaning/preparing the endless amounts of bottles and pump parts) and taking care of the house the best I could. exclusive pumping adds a lot of stress. I don’t wish I hadn’t done it, but I don’t know if I’d do it again without at least supplementing. The fact that your husband is a jerk about that is unreasonable because it falls solely on you. If you are struggling or depressed, something has to give- you need more help, be it from your DH or outside help, or you can give up pumping and get more time back to do other things like chores and sleep, god forbid.

I find these cases of babies who won’t nap unless being held interesting. It seems like this type of scenario is only possible in a household with a woman at home without a job and the ability to outsource all chores. Having a baby sleep on your hours and hours a day just isn’t possible for most women. So to read post after post about this on here makes me wonder. I question whether this is really necessary. It seems like the recent trend of pumping, which is extremely taxing and again, not necessary. Pumping all the time is only something a woman can do when she is staying home and has few other responsibilities or has a cushy office job with a pumping room.

I wouldn’t cater to a baby who only takes naps on me. Maybe for a week or two, but after that they would simply have to deal with the crib. I have a job, other children and responsibilities. I don’t think it’s a good habit to start and it simply isn’t sustainable.

How many kids do you have? As a former nanny who has cared for close to 20 babies, most of them went through phases of needing to be held for naps. This is not unusual at all. It’s just like most babies will also hit the 4 month sleep regression.

You can let a young baby CIO, so what do you suppose these people do? Neglect their babies and let them scream in the crib?

Many women pump, regardless of job, when they’re out of the home. Don’t judge because you decided to formula feed.

Put the pump parts in the fridge between pumping sessions.
Buy another set of pump parts and enough bottles to last two days.
After dinner, put pump parts and bottles in the dishwasher and run it every night. Throw in a load of laundry at the same time.
It’s DH’s job to unload the dishwasher in the morning and move the laundry from the washer to the dryer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has not been pulling his weight lately and thinks I’m asking for too much. We welcomed our first child ( 10 weeks old) a couple of months ago. He took paternity leave and was wonderful. He spent time bonding with the baby, did housework, and waited on me with food and water. He’s been back at work for a month now and things have taken a 180. He has not done much besides spending a couple of hours a day with the baby. I’m doing most of the childcare and housework. I have told him multiple times he needs to do more things, but he has said I should handle it since he works all day. I understand he works all day but I’m exhausted too. Having to care for a baby, who often needs to be held for naps, is not easy. He said there is ample time for me to get housework done while baby naps, but I disagree. I’m also getting up with baby once at night. I’m going back to work PT in January and told him this won’t work for me. He said he will help out more once I’m back at work, but feels I should be doing most of the childcare and housework because I’m home. I feel me asking for more help is fair. I don’t know if being unreasonable with my expectations.

In the evenings, one of you should care for the baby, while the other cooks dinner. After dinner, one should put baby to bath and bed, while the other cleans up the kitchen and playroom (is there even a playroom yet?). Then, considering you have probably put the baby to sleep early, you both get a couple hours to unwind. If this is what you mean by your DH spending a couple hours with the baby at night, then this sounds equal to me.

OP here. This is our day. We all wake up around 7. He gets to work ( works from home) and I make us breakfast and him coffee. I tend to baby who is having naps issues and requires being held. I also am very active with my baby - tummy time, reading, toys, etc.,. This repeats all day until about 6. He will take baby while I cook dinner. We eat and I put baby to bed ( 8pm bedtime) and then I clean up the kitchen and the mess. He workouts out, showers, and then e watch tv.

I would be fine if this was just during the week, but it’s weekends too. He spend almost no time actually caring for the baby solo. It’s still me. He doesn’t help with naps, feedings, or making dinner. He will play with baby for a couple minutes here and there in between working out or watching tv. I feel like I should get a break on the weekends, but he needs that time to relax because he works during the week.

This is horrible, OP. You need to put your foot down and make sure you get even leisure time on the weekends and after work. It sounds like you are doing domestic labor from 6-9 every weeknight, plus the midnight pump. So let's say 4 hours M-F. He does 1 hour of domestic labor M-F by holding the baby while you cook. And you do about 10 hrs on each weekend day and he does about 2 hours, is that right? So in a week, for the time he is not working, he does 9 hours of domestic labor, and you do 40. That is WAY out of balance. The only way someone could defend this as "fair" is if they believe that men inherently should be excused from domestic labor.

OP, how are you doing today?

Anonymous wrote:Baby eats every 3 hrs. Rinse pump parts and the one bottle in soapy water, put on towel. How hard is this. This does not take two adults JFC. DH makes his own breakfast and lunch. But really, what are you doing for those anyway? A bowl of oatmeal, a sandwich? This is so basic. Two adults, a newborn, and you have a housekeeper. Considering he is OCD about being tidy, I cannot imagine he is a slob. Your pickup should be super simple. Have DH hold the baby more and I think you feel better, and cut the pump.

it doesn't take two adults to feed the baby, but it definitely should take two adults to share the increased workload. Or else your argument is that OP should work 24/7 while her husband just works 8 hrs/day? How does that make sense?

Personally, I think anyone who expects a mom of a newborn (especially who is EPing/BFing) to do a lot of household chores and still do most of the childcare all the time is a jerk.

Baby eats every 3 hrs. Rinse pump parts and the one bottle in soapy water, put on towel. How hard is this. This does not take two adults JFC. DH makes his own breakfast and lunch. But really, what are you doing for those anyway? A bowl of oatmeal, a sandwich? This is so basic. Two adults, a newborn, and you have a housekeeper. Considering he is OCD about being tidy, I cannot imagine he is a slob. Your pickup should be super simple. Have DH hold the baby more and I think you feel better, and cut the pump.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team DH here. An infant that little doesn’t require much. I doubt it takes you all day to do all of those things. Cleaning maintenance only tasks an hour a day tops.

and where is the rolling around laughing one?

Clearly you never exclusively pumped for an infant who wouldn’t nap unless being held. This was my mat leave. Feed baby, change baby, pump while entertaining baby in bouncer or floor toys. Pray they don’t need to move around too much (harder as they get older and more curious.) grab whatever you can to eat or drink before attempting to put baby down for nap 1/4. End up sitting with them in chair so they nap for more than 15 minutes. Repeat. Do most of the night feedings - baby woke up like 4-5 times a night- because I was “home.” The sleep deprivation is real, as much as a joy parenting is, and exclusive pumping on top of a not well sleeping baby is HARD.

OP, I too had to pump like 8 times a day to build my supply. Struggled with the same things you did with my husband- I was “home” so it was all my job even though I was busy all day between taking care of the baby and pumping (and cleaning/preparing the endless amounts of bottles and pump parts) and taking care of the house the best I could. exclusive pumping adds a lot of stress. I don’t wish I hadn’t done it, but I don’t know if I’d do it again without at least supplementing. The fact that your husband is a jerk about that is unreasonable because it falls solely on you. If you are struggling or depressed, something has to give- you need more help, be it from your DH or outside help, or you can give up pumping and get more time back to do other things like chores and sleep, god forbid.

I find these cases of babies who won’t nap unless being held interesting. It seems like this type of scenario is only possible in a household with a woman at home without a job and the ability to outsource all chores. Having a baby sleep on your hours and hours a day just isn’t possible for most women. So to read post after post about this on here makes me wonder. I question whether this is really necessary. It seems like the recent trend of pumping, which is extremely taxing and again, not necessary. Pumping all the time is only something a woman can do when she is staying home and has few other responsibilities or has a cushy office job with a pumping room.

I wouldn’t cater to a baby who only takes naps on me. Maybe for a week or two, but after that they would simply have to deal with the crib. I have a job, other children and responsibilities. I don’t think it’s a good habit to start and it simply isn’t sustainable.

I mean maybe you're right, but it certainly isn't uncommon for a baby not to nap in a crib until 3-4 months. And even if there's some way for OP to figure it out, that's MORE work (physical and mental) on her part to get it established, not less. I did get my baby to nap in a crib starting at around 10 weeks, but that was after a lot of work "practicing" putting him down, watching the clock, repeated disrupted naps, etc. No matter what you remember, there are no hours-long naps in a crib for the vast majority of 10 week olds.

Again, only well off women who are at home with few other responsibilities can allow a child to nap on them for months.

Your baby can’t even talk or walk. It’s not in charge of where it sleeps. Simply put the baby down. Babies want to sleep and eventually it will. Babies cry. It’s what they do. Just don’t let the baby wail and wail and it’s fine. This don’t let the baby cry under any condition is only something a privileged woman can support.

If you want your baby to nap on you, then keep doing what you’re doing OP.

I'm sure childrearing practices are different everywhere based on every woman's particular resources and culture. OP could just put her baby down and ignore it except for feeding times - I'm sure some cultures do that! Conversely other cultures wear the baby 24/7 while going about their business. In fact, I'm sure it's far more common to wear the baby constantly than it is to put a newborn down for hours at a time. The fact is - newborns need to be held a lot, or the cry. I don't know how long ago you had your babies, but it's still true. This is a newborn, not even 6 month sold yet.

And the more important point is that even if OP were to "nap train" that would still be a) work and b) not suddenly give her oodles of leisure time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During his work day, you are in charge of the baby.

When he gets home, you guys should at least split it 50/50. He doesn't get to rest after his job expecting you to not rest after yours.

As far as housework, can you guys hire a cleaning service? It saved my marriage. The best investment i ever made. It basically leaves kitchen cleanup each day after meals. Whoever didn't cook, cleans up.

OP here. We have a house cleaner come in-weekly but we still have everyday messes we need to clean up. It’s not much - bottle washing, emptying/loading dishwasher, dishes, and picking up toys.

Those chores should take a max 30 min. Strap on the baby and do it. Or, who cares if the toys sit out for a couple days? Your house may not be spotless during the early days....

Any man who doesn't come home and wash the freakin' bottles while his baby is a newborn is a loser. Capital L LOSER. Even my DH who is terrible at the division of labor did the dishes for my entire maternity leave.

He has literally been sitting at home all day. As has she. Both of them ignoring the bottles that have accumulated and waiting for the other to do it like a game of chicken.

Ok then he can wash them - it's even worse if he's WAH and not washing the bottles.

OP I have a 12 week old and the main thing I want DH to do after work is be with the baby. I’m not finding it’s so hard to keep up with chores, but we do have a biweekly house cleaner. Put the baby in a bouncy seat or on the floor/bed and narrate while you do the dishes and fold clothes. Imo that is great development time for a little baby.

When DH is with the baby in the evening, go relax somewhere else. You have to leave the room. That’s key.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team DH here. An infant that little doesn’t require much. I doubt it takes you all day to do all of those things. Cleaning maintenance only tasks an hour a day tops.

and where is the rolling around laughing one?

Clearly you never exclusively pumped for an infant who wouldn’t nap unless being held. This was my mat leave. Feed baby, change baby, pump while entertaining baby in bouncer or floor toys. Pray they don’t need to move around too much (harder as they get older and more curious.) grab whatever you can to eat or drink before attempting to put baby down for nap 1/4. End up sitting with them in chair so they nap for more than 15 minutes. Repeat. Do most of the night feedings - baby woke up like 4-5 times a night- because I was “home.” The sleep deprivation is real, as much as a joy parenting is, and exclusive pumping on top of a not well sleeping baby is HARD.

OP, I too had to pump like 8 times a day to build my supply. Struggled with the same things you did with my husband- I was “home” so it was all my job even though I was busy all day between taking care of the baby and pumping (and cleaning/preparing the endless amounts of bottles and pump parts) and taking care of the house the best I could. exclusive pumping adds a lot of stress. I don’t wish I hadn’t done it, but I don’t know if I’d do it again without at least supplementing. The fact that your husband is a jerk about that is unreasonable because it falls solely on you. If you are struggling or depressed, something has to give- you need more help, be it from your DH or outside help, or you can give up pumping and get more time back to do other things like chores and sleep, god forbid.

I find these cases of babies who won’t nap unless being held interesting. It seems like this type of scenario is only possible in a household with a woman at home without a job and the ability to outsource all chores. Having a baby sleep on your hours and hours a day just isn’t possible for most women. So to read post after post about this on here makes me wonder. I question whether this is really necessary. It seems like the recent trend of pumping, which is extremely taxing and again, not necessary. Pumping all the time is only something a woman can do when she is staying home and has few other responsibilities or has a cushy office job with a pumping room.

I wouldn’t cater to a baby who only takes naps on me. Maybe for a week or two, but after that they would simply have to deal with the crib. I have a job, other children and responsibilities. I don’t think it’s a good habit to start and it simply isn’t sustainable.

I mean maybe you're right, but it certainly isn't uncommon for a baby not to nap in a crib until 3-4 months. And even if there's some way for OP to figure it out, that's MORE work (physical and mental) on her part to get it established, not less. I did get my baby to nap in a crib starting at around 10 weeks, but that was after a lot of work "practicing" putting him down, watching the clock, repeated disrupted naps, etc. No matter what you remember, there are no hours-long naps in a crib for the vast majority of 10 week olds.

Again, only well off women who are at home with few other responsibilities can allow a child to nap on them for months.

Your baby can’t even talk or walk. It’s not in charge of where it sleeps. Simply put the baby down. Babies want to sleep and eventually it will. Babies cry. It’s what they do. Just don’t let the baby wail and wail and it’s fine. This don’t let the baby cry under any condition is only something a privileged woman can support.

If you want your baby to nap on you, then keep doing what you’re doing OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During his work day, you are in charge of the baby.

When he gets home, you guys should at least split it 50/50. He doesn't get to rest after his job expecting you to not rest after yours.

As far as housework, can you guys hire a cleaning service? It saved my marriage. The best investment i ever made. It basically leaves kitchen cleanup each day after meals. Whoever didn't cook, cleans up.

OP here. We have a house cleaner come in-weekly but we still have everyday messes we need to clean up. It’s not much - bottle washing, emptying/loading dishwasher, dishes, and picking up toys.

Those chores should take a max 30 min. Strap on the baby and do it. Or, who cares if the toys sit out for a couple days? Your house may not be spotless during the early days....

Any man who doesn't come home and wash the freakin' bottles while his baby is a newborn is a loser. Capital L LOSER. Even my DH who is terrible at the division of labor did the dishes for my entire maternity leave.

He has literally been sitting at home all day. As has she. Both of them ignoring the bottles that have accumulated and waiting for the other to do it like a game of chicken.