I don't know what the answer is, but it isn't simple. Those moms that are claiming to let their kids have free reign in the kitchen/panty and their kids have zero weight issue are lucky- not some kind of fabulous parents. Not all kids (or adults) have the ability to self regulate well and/or have the impulse control. Some people are also wired to have stronger cravings than others.

I have a 9 and 11 yr old and the both view food differently. The 9 yr old is great at self regulation and moderation. I never need to intervene. But my 11 yr old isn't. She has on occasion eaten so much so she gets sick. I do my best as a parent to let her control as much of her food choices and eating as possible, but I'm not going to be complaicent and let her eat herself to obesity or sickness. It isn't just an issue of junk food. We keep the house food pretty healthy, but still help them make good choices and figure out what a portion size should be

We have snack drawers (popcorn, chips/ salsa, granola bars, nuts, crackers, peanut butter, etc), refrigerator drawers with cheese and tortillas and with fruit and carrots, and stuff for smoothies in the freezer. All those are free-rein for the kids. We keep some “treats” around for occasional dessert and they know not to eat those. I may occasionally say something like, “hey kids, make sure you are getting some fruit in with your snacks.” Or “Kitchen’s closed - it’s almost dinner time.” Other than that, it’s up to the kids to figure out their snacks.

If they have friends over, I might slice up some fruit to help facilitate healthy snacks.

It’s funny. I have 3 teens/tweens and all are different.

Oldest, loves sugary junk food. Will not prepare own food but will walk to local store to buy candy. Eats the typical 3 meals a day (along with the unhealthy snacks). But, does get full so won’t snack to excess.

Second, will take time to make more healthy (and complex at times) snacks on own. Never eats breakfast. Sometimes won’t eat until dinner! (But makes up for it at dinner and then snacks afterwards)

Third, loves fruit, nuts, cheese for snacks. Junk food too but if healthier options available will naturally gravitate to those. Also not a breakfast eater and doesn’t get hungry until later in day.

All are at a healthy weight and energy level so I don’t stress about it. But I think the nature over nurture influence is strong. The 2that don’t eat breakfast are night owls and they really have much more energy and alertness at night.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm impressed by these tweens/teens who apparently can self-regulate. Mine would blow through the snacks, meant for a week-10 days, in a day or two.*

We do have mostly healthy stuff, but I also buy snacky, not healthy stuff meant for a once/day treat. A bag of chips with lunch, for example. I could just say, ok, well, if you eat it then it's gone, but I've got two kids, and one would eat mostly everything junky very quickly and the other would complain.

*Honestly, their dad does the same thing, and it irritates me to no end. I have to tell him explicitly - these are for the kids' lunches, DON'T EAT THEM! Because of course, he doesn't replace or tell me when the snack bag is low, so I'm running around trying to find a replacement because I have one bag of chips and both kids want them --> bickering.

OP, I tell my kids they can have fruit whenever they want, they can make a sandwich whenever they want so long as they are done eating by 4 pm (hate cooking when people just ate two sandwiches). But other than that, snacks require permission.

I’m one of the parents who lets their kids eat whatever they want, and as somebody whose stepmom had major food hangups (she was obese) and limited us to a bowl of cereal a day and put literal locks on lunch snack foods, I grew up really resenting restrictions. My kids blow through lunch snack stuff too but I just let it go because I don’t want the impacts of food restrictions in the house. When it comes to one of my kids eating the other kid’s snacks, I do have to put my foot down there.

I’m not saying you’ll give your kids hangups, I’m just saying that when I say we don’t have food restrictions, it’s not like my kids are immune to the temptations of easily accessible junk food.

Step mom here.

Do you know how difficult it is for a kid who has grown up without any food restrictions to self regulate? SS17 is a disaster, because his mother has ZERO self control and never modeled it. If a bag/box of "treats" - pretzels, chips, fruit snacks, crackers, cookies what have you (read: sugar/fat/carbs) is available he will mow them down. Mindlessly. Fruit? Forget about it. Anything that requires effort? Forget about it.

DH and I have tried - to absolutely no avail - to manage this, but the bed was made a long time ago and the kid understandably is resistant to changing. We get NO support from his mother to try to manage change. And now that he is working and has his own money, it's a thousand times worse. He eats nothing but junk. It's horrible to witness, frankly.

OP, I appreciate you trying to steer your kids towards balanced choices.

As an adult who grew up with divorced parents and subsequent step-parents, I will offer that the only thing I had control over in my life was food. I had no food restrictions as a pre-teen that I can remember, wasn't overweight and don't recall any self regulation issues. All that changed as the stable two parent family dissolved. I became a vegetarian shortly after the split, got chubby as a teenager and kept the weight on through college; then developed a raging eating disorder mid -20s.

I offer this as an anecdote for you to consider that your stepson maybe be using food because it's the only thing he has control over and not because his mother failed him so miserable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm impressed by these tweens/teens who apparently can self-regulate. Mine would blow through the snacks, meant for a week-10 days, in a day or two.*

We do have mostly healthy stuff, but I also buy snacky, not healthy stuff meant for a once/day treat. A bag of chips with lunch, for example. I could just say, ok, well, if you eat it then it's gone, but I've got two kids, and one would eat mostly everything junky very quickly and the other would complain.

*Honestly, their dad does the same thing, and it irritates me to no end. I have to tell him explicitly - these are for the kids' lunches, DON'T EAT THEM! Because of course, he doesn't replace or tell me when the snack bag is low, so I'm running around trying to find a replacement because I have one bag of chips and both kids want them --> bickering.

OP, I tell my kids they can have fruit whenever they want, they can make a sandwich whenever they want so long as they are done eating by 4 pm (hate cooking when people just ate two sandwiches). But other than that, snacks require permission.

I’m one of the parents who lets their kids eat whatever they want, and as somebody whose stepmom had major food hangups (she was obese) and limited us to a bowl of cereal a day and put literal locks on lunch snack foods, I grew up really resenting restrictions. My kids blow through lunch snack stuff too but I just let it go because I don’t want the impacts of food restrictions in the house. When it comes to one of my kids eating the other kid’s snacks, I do have to put my foot down there.

I’m not saying you’ll give your kids hangups, I’m just saying that when I say we don’t have food restrictions, it’s not like my kids are immune to the temptations of easily accessible junk food.

Step mom here.

Do you know how difficult it is for a kid who has grown up without any food restrictions to self regulate? SS17 is a disaster, because his mother has ZERO self control and never modeled it. If a bag/box of "treats" - pretzels, chips, fruit snacks, crackers, cookies what have you (read: sugar/fat/carbs) is available he will mow them down. Mindlessly. Fruit? Forget about it. Anything that requires effort? Forget about it.

DH and I have tried - to absolutely no avail - to manage this, but the bed was made a long time ago and the kid understandably is resistant to changing. We get NO support from his mother to try to manage change. And now that he is working and has his own money, it's a thousand times worse. He eats nothing but junk. It's horrible to witness, frankly.

OP, I appreciate you trying to steer your kids towards balanced choices.

I NEVER had junk food or fast food growing up, and we were barely allowed to snack. As soon as I was able to earn my own money, I went CRAZY with the fast food and sweets all the time. Also...I'm pretty sure MOST teenage boys would choose an easy, quick, junky snack over fruit or something that they have to spend a lot of time making...

It’s just pitiful how so many parents are passing on their own anorexic tendencies to their kids and/or using control over someone else’s food to get some kind of narcissistic satisfaction. If you think there are things your kids shouldn’t eat, don’t have them in the house. Left to their own devices most kids will eat a fair diet even if they overdo a certain food group on any given day.

Anonymous wrote:We don’t have a policy but I don’t but snack food. No one needs snacks- you need healthy meals.

You're wrong about that.

I’ve always focused on teaching my kids over restricting them. As they get older, your ability to nitpick and control what they eat goes down. And by teaching, I don’t mean preach at them, I mean explain how eating a variety of food groups and assessing if they really need a snack or if they should just wait a bit for a meal.

I have two teen boys (17 and 13) and a 10 year old girl and it seems to work. I offer two hot meals a day (generally lunch and dinner) and offer options for breakfast (cereal, etc) if they want it. Especially for the older two they are expected to provide for themselves their snacks. While I don’t limit the portion sizes, they know that if they drink all the juice the first day it’s in the house, I’m not going to run out and buy more or buy more of it next time I’m at the store (2 gallons vs 1 gallon). I do try to keep a good amount of snacks that are varied available so they shouldn’t feel like they don’t have any options.

I also have some base rules:

1) Food/snacks are to be eaten outside of their rooms, preferably at the table or in the kitchen (occasionally I allow them to eat popcorn in front of a movie, etc): Not just for pest reasons, but it also encourages social interaction and stops them from holding up in their room with a bag of chips.

2) Snacks are their responsibility: if they want some pasta, or a frozen pizza, it is on them to make it, as well as clean up after themselves. For the younger two I may help here and there if they ask and I feel like it is appropriate. I try not to encourage larger snacks like this, but I know sometimes they do get pretty hungry and just want something hot. By having this rule it encourages them to think if it is worth it/appropriate to go with that, or if something smaller is acceptable.

3) If there is something I write down on our white board as being ‘necessary,’ always ask if it is available before taking it: I have a white board next to the fridge and have a list of items that I am saving for specific meals or other projects. Pretty self-explanatory, if whatever they want is up there they need to ask. Maybe I have plenty and it is no big deal if they want to take an apple. Maybe I’m making apple pie the next night and have just enough for the filling.

4) They can request I buy a specific snack or item, but I hold veto power: again pretty simple, I try to take their requests when possible, but occasionally I may have to veto it for one reason or another. Normally because I bought it last time and it sat there for over a month and it went bad, or it is something that just isn’t appropriate. My 13 year old a few months ago asked for beer as a joke for one example.

*red food dye

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 very social kids who are now in middle school. I've always worked from home so have hosted probably 500 playdates over the years.

We eat a very healthy diet but I also buy junk food: Oreos, chips, etc. My kids are used to having them around. A package of Oreos can last 3 weeks. Maybe a full month.

When I served a snack I always put out small bowls of food: fruit, something like pretzels and enough cookies for 2 per kid. You send your kid to my house, they get offered my food.

I could always tell the non-Oreo households because many of those kids gorged themselves on them at my house. They would sit there and eat 2 cookies in 15 seconds and BEG for more.
They would come up to me later in the playdate and ask for more. They would ask for more when leaving the house.

I once found a kid rummaging through my kitchen looking for more cookies. This was about 4 years ago. This post just made me remember it.

Moderation people. It's about moderation. It always has been and always will be.

Aww. I have an awful memory of going to a new friend's home. I was about 8. Her mom gave us rice crispy treats. I wolfed mine down in about 10 seconds hoping she would offer another one. She just looked at me in disgust. My family was the food-controlling/no sugar type. I was always a very low weight kid and I don't think I reached my height potential. I went the other way and am very relaxed about food with my own child.

When I was a kid my friend‘s mom never allowed her to have any sugar or chocolate. Her mom insisted that she was allergic to red food and chocolate, so she wasn’t allowed to eat any candy either. Whenever she came over to my house, she devoured every dessert in kitchen (including chocolate!) and never got sick either.

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 very social kids who are now in middle school. I've always worked from home so have hosted probably 500 playdates over the years.

We eat a very healthy diet but I also buy junk food: Oreos, chips, etc. My kids are used to having them around. A package of Oreos can last 3 weeks. Maybe a full month.

When I served a snack I always put out small bowls of food: fruit, something like pretzels and enough cookies for 2 per kid. You send your kid to my house, they get offered my food.

I could always tell the non-Oreo households because many of those kids gorged themselves on them at my house. They would sit there and eat 2 cookies in 15 seconds and BEG for more.
They would come up to me later in the playdate and ask for more. They would ask for more when leaving the house.

I once found a kid rummaging through my kitchen looking for more cookies. This was about 4 years ago. This post just made me remember it.

Moderation people. It's about moderation. It always has been and always will be.

Aww. I have an awful memory of going to a new friend's home. I was about 8. Her mom gave us rice crispy treats. I wolfed mine down in about 10 seconds hoping she would offer another one. She just looked at me in disgust. My family was the food-controlling/no sugar type. I was always a very low weight kid and I don't think I reached my height potential. I went the other way and am very relaxed about food with my own child.

Anonymous wrote:I think there is a connection between liking healthy food and parents cooking at home.
I know that I like what I am used to, which was grandma's cooking. I recall DS, who is great at self-regulating, telling me one week when I ordered food due to being busy, that he is not going to eat this fast food and take out and started criticizing me for not cooking!
The gall of the teen!

Time for him to learn how to cook!

Anonymous wrote:We don’t have a policy but I don’t but snack food. No one needs snacks- you need healthy meals.

np There aren't any times you are only a little hungry and only need a small amount of food?

We don’t have a policy but I don’t but snack food. No one needs snacks- you need healthy meals.

I have 3 very social kids who are now in middle school. I've always worked from home so have hosted probably 500 playdates over the years.

We eat a very healthy diet but I also buy junk food: Oreos, chips, etc. My kids are used to having them around. A package of Oreos can last 3 weeks. Maybe a full month.

When I served a snack I always put out small bowls of food: fruit, something like pretzels and enough cookies for 2 per kid. You send your kid to my house, they get offered my food.

I could always tell the non-Oreo households because many of those kids gorged themselves on them at my house. They would sit there and eat 2 cookies in 15 seconds and BEG for more.
They would come up to me later in the playdate and ask for more. They would ask for more when leaving the house.

I once found a kid rummaging through my kitchen looking for more cookies. This was about 4 years ago. This post just made me remember it.

Moderation people. It's about moderation. It always has been and always will be.