Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 14:43     Subject: Um, this is so awkward.
Anonymous wrote:Sounds like borderline personality disorder. Extreme fear of closeness causes a person to fear rejection so badly that they reject others preemptively. She is afraid you will see through her somehow. Just do not reply or attempt to engage and do not be intimidated into letting your feelings get involved.

Mental health professional here. You can’t assume BPD based on this info.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 14:10     Subject: Um, this is so awkward.
What will you do about the kids'friendship now?

I'd reply "well this is awkward. I invited you because I thought we were already friends. Point taken. Does your assessment of your friendship situation include the kids? Larlo wanted to ride bikes with Brayden next week, but we won't bother asking if it's too much for you to handle. "
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 14:07     Subject: Um, this is so awkward.
Sounds like borderline personality disorder. Extreme fear of closeness causes a person to fear rejection so badly that they reject others preemptively. She is afraid you will see through her somehow. Just do not reply or attempt to engage and do not be intimidated into letting your feelings get involved.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 14:03     Subject: Re:Um, this is so awkward.
Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm the weird one, because I don't actually find anything wrong with her response! To me, it's the friendship equivalent of "it's not you, it's me" - nothing wrong with you, I just don't have time for more friends right now. I would vastly prefer this response to "I'm busy" where I would keep asking.

Reminds me of this article about "askers vs. guessers" - I'm a major asker, and prefer others to be as well. I also have no problem getting shot down about stuff.

https://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2010/05/askers-vs-guessers/340891/

I'm actually interested in what other options there are besides just saying "I'm busy" - I'm not a fan of the "polite lie" and while I am not the person who texted the OP, and I would be a bit more tactful than this, I wonder what other people think a good response is, generally, to overtures of friendship/increasing friendship "level" for lack of a better word when you just do not have the social bandwidth for more friends.

In fact, I'm gonna create a s/o thread.


Decline by saying "Sorry, we can't this weekend, " would suffice. Then buck up because I might invite you again. But if I receive 2 or 3 declines without an explanation or another offer or some indication that they do want to hang out (such as "sorry we can't this weekend, maybe next?" Or "that sounds fun, I love fire pits, but we can't this weekend, ") I will stop asking.

If I've really offended someone, sure, tell me. But if you just don't have the time for more friends, or you really don't like me, I'd absolutely prefer being ghosted. I can take a hint and would prefer to save face. I think the person declining the invite would prefer a non-awkward approach too.

Because really, the op's example is another way of saying "I don't like you enough to be your friend."
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 14:02     Subject: Re:Um, this is so awkward.
Write back, I wasn't selling my friendship, but I will opt you out of future messages.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 13:53     Subject: Um, this is so awkward.
I think the women here shrugging their shoulders and saying she was just being honest are probably the same ones that defended the rude woman in the “group text” thread.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 13:45     Subject: Um, this is so awkward.
Anonymous wrote:This got me thinking ~ the worst is whan a lie invokes sympathy for the person lying.

A lot of polite rejections are, "it's been a terrible week ... or a difficulty ... or family or health difficulty."

A nice person wants to help. They actually ramp-up their involvement in the friendship, thinking the other person needs support.



No reason to lie. Just say that you're busy. But, I guess OP's "friend" was trying to ensure that OP didn't offer an optional date or try again. She was successful.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 13:11     Subject: Re:Um, this is so awkward.
I think OP has to reply because maybe she thought she was sending it to a different person? I mean, horrible response anyways, but once someone comes to my house for dinner, they are already friends! Unless OP has been making many offers in which case the responder felt she had to shut it down.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 13:10     Subject: Um, this is so awkward.
This got me thinking ~ the worst is whan a lie invokes sympathy for the person lying.

A lot of polite rejections are, "it's been a terrible week ... or a difficulty ... or family or health difficulty."

A nice person wants to help. They actually ramp-up their involvement in the friendship, thinking the other person needs support.

Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 12:47     Subject: Um, this is so awkward.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think she was just being honest, which should be acceptable. She wasn't being rude or mean because she didn't make up a fake excuse.

You said you used to hang out once per month in a large group- did you ever hand out at each other's house- just your family and theirs? Not part of a "large group?" If she had never invited just you/your family over their house then I would say you have always just been friendly acquaintances.

If your children are friends don't burn bridges. I would replying with I understand and I hope to see them again once soccer starts and things normalize (or whatever it is your kids have in common)


If you are this level honest, sounds like you are on the spectrum.



These kids of sentiments p*as me off. Some people are just a$$holes. It has nothing to do with “being on the spectrum”.

+1

Plus, you can be honest and ALSO be rude and mean.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 12:35     Subject: Um, this is so awkward.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think she was just being honest, which should be acceptable. She wasn't being rude or mean because she didn't make up a fake excuse.

You said you used to hang out once per month in a large group- did you ever hand out at each other's house- just your family and theirs? Not part of a "large group?" If she had never invited just you/your family over their house then I would say you have always just been friendly acquaintances.

If your children are friends don't burn bridges. I would replying with I understand and I hope to see them again once soccer starts and things normalize (or whatever it is your kids have in common)


If you are this level honest, sounds like you are on the spectrum.



These kids of sentiments p*as me off. Some people are just a$$holes. It has nothing to do with “being on the spectrum”.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 12:30     Subject: Um, this is so awkward.
At this point in my life, I am pretty sure I would call her out. “You seem very overwhelmed with life right now. Otherwise, your response makes zero sense as we have known each other for years. I just thought the kids might like to get together but we will certainly make plans with other friends instead. Stay safe.”
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 12:24     Subject: Re:Um, this is so awkward.
She should be mortified, not you. Maybe she got confused about who she was texting back and thought you were a newer acquaintance, but it was incredibly rude in any case, and the onus is on her to make this right. I would not respond or make any effort with this woman. Sometimes when people goof like this, they're really showing their true feelings and thoughts, and nobody needs people like this in their life. Texting is not a new mode of communication, and there are about a dozen different ways to say the same thing politely.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 12:24     Subject: Um, this is so awkward.
I'm not going to respond to rudeness with kindness. That's why clueless people keep responding with things like this. I'd either not respond at all or something as suggested like "Wow, understood." The sender deserves to feel uncomfortable or confused by such a response instead of never having to answer for a lack of basic civility.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 11:55     Subject: Re:Um, this is so awkward.
Omg you should not be mortified! This is 100% not you. She should be mortified, and probably will be whenever her crisis passes. You should not feel bad at all.