Anonymous wrote:I went part time because I was frankly more invested in my kids lives than dh was. He does fine and they would be fine, if I was working more but I wanted more for my kids than that and so I would be the one unhappy. There’s so much finger pointing and blame when I think we all need to be honest about our motivations. Many women want to be more involved in their Kids lives than their husbands do. That doesn’t make either side bad, it’s just a factor to consider when strategizing finances.

I agree with women wanting to be more involved in their kids lives than their husbands do, but the expectation on the women to be more involved also comes from the husbands. I don't know if it is biological or societal. I think it is a bit of both.

My DH is willing to do daily stuff with the kids that takes 20-30 minutes at a time. So he was great with the physical care - changing diaper, giving baths, feeding. He continues to cook and feed them (when asked) even now as they have grown to become teens. He is also willing to drive them to EC activities or take them to competitions during the weekend, but I have to take care of all the logistics and planning.

But, he is not the one to take the mental burden of their school work, emotional and mental health, socialization, long term planning. That is my job. I need to figure out what is going on in their lives, set their goals, suss out their friends, make sure they are thriving mentally, socially, physically, emotionally, be clued in about their school, rules - daily, weekly, yearly, 5-yearly, 10-yearly plan of their lives. He expects me to make my kids excel and be high achieving. He expects his kids to be happy and secure. He expects them to be socialized. He expects them to not miss out on any opportunity. He expects that I will have a plan that is custom-built for each child. He expects me to find the best tutors and coaches that will be a perfect match with my kids and supervise them. He expects me to be able to tutor them in any and all subjects from K-12 and beyond. He thinks that he did well in providing his kids with a mother that has multiple college degrees and a problem solver. Which means that they will get both the nurture and nature to succeed. His task is done. He will earn the money. I will make our kids into successful human beings. Case closed.

In the end, I am the parent who agonizes internally about deadlines, resources, being hyper vigilant, understanding what's at stake. He is the parent who is chilled. Going to each kids event with his camera, not knowing enough to be mentally freaking out but , absolutely assured that the kids will either win trophies OR will have a good experience. In any case, he has not invested the time and lifted the mental burden or prepared for failure. He is just in the moment. Floating happily.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp - my working friends all seem miserable and overwhelmed. I have more kids and a special kid and we are okay. Not saying its never difficult but we wouldn't exchange it for anything.

In a way the clear gendered division of labor just makes less arguments and stress. I have no expectation he'll do wake up or bedtime, so I'm very grateful every time he does do it (most of the time). He listens to me regarding discipline issues and I take notes from PTA and send to him to loop him in with where kids are holding but don't expect any input.

Thanks but no thanks. I could never do this, however easy or luxurious it may seem. And most importantly, cannot raise my daughter this way.

DP here. I will certainly not let my DD drown in balancing work, home, kids and unequal pay and hostile work environment in the US. I have made sure to set her expectations of how it will go down for her. Not filling her head with the nonsense that she can be anything she wants and still have the family time, marriage, relationships which a normal human wants. She has to be smart in choosing her profession and make sure that it provides her a good paycheck to outsource whatever she can. Finally, she will have no student debt and also support from us (money gifts, childcare, downpayment to her house) to succeed.

What do you recommend poor to lower MC moms do to protect their daughters?

I did everything “right” short of being born into a wealthy family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp - my working friends all seem miserable and overwhelmed. I have more kids and a special kid and we are okay. Not saying its never difficult but we wouldn't exchange it for anything.

In a way the clear gendered division of labor just makes less arguments and stress. I have no expectation he'll do wake up or bedtime, so I'm very grateful every time he does do it (most of the time). He listens to me regarding discipline issues and I take notes from PTA and send to him to loop him in with where kids are holding but don't expect any input.

Thanks but no thanks. I could never do this, however easy or luxurious it may seem. And most importantly, cannot raise my daughter this way.

DP here. I will certainly not let my DD drown in balancing work, home, kids and unequal pay and hostile work environment in the US. I have made sure to set her expectations of how it will go down for her. Not filling her head with the nonsense that she can be anything she wants and still have the family time, marriage, relationships which a normal human wants. She has to be smart in choosing her profession and make sure that it provides her a good paycheck to outsource whatever she can. Finally, she will have no student debt and also support from us (money gifts, childcare, downpayment to her house) to succeed.

I went part time because I was frankly more invested in my kids lives than dh was. He does fine and they would be fine, if I was working more but I wanted more for my kids than that and so I would be the one unhappy. There’s so much finger pointing and blame when I think we all need to be honest about our motivations. Many women want to be more involved in their Kids lives than their husbands do. That doesn’t make either side bad, it’s just a factor to consider when strategizing finances.

Anonymous wrote:Pp - my working friends all seem miserable and overwhelmed. I have more kids and a special kid and we are okay. Not saying its never difficult but we wouldn't exchange it for anything.

In a way the clear gendered division of labor just makes less arguments and stress. I have no expectation he'll do wake up or bedtime, so I'm very grateful every time he does do it (most of the time). He listens to me regarding discipline issues and I take notes from PTA and send to him to loop him in with where kids are holding but don't expect any input.

Thanks but no thanks. I could never do this, however easy or luxurious it may seem. And most importantly, cannot raise my daughter this way.

Anonymous wrote:It's because American women have bought the brainwashed idea that corporate success equals happiness so we take on too much in the office and than are overwhelmed at home with husbands who of course don't have the same cleanliness standards.

If you look at Nordic countries where there is more gender equality, women work far less hours at the office and are much happier.

Alternatively, you can marry a man who wants to be a SAHD but good luck making that work.

Men have been brainwashed that corporate success equals happiness too. And fairly certain in Scandinavia men work less hours too. This is an issue for men and women.

It's because American women have bought the brainwashed idea that corporate success equals happiness so we take on too much in the office and than are overwhelmed at home with husbands who of course don't have the same cleanliness standards.

If you look at Nordic countries where there is more gender equality, women work far less hours at the office and are much happier.

Alternatively, you can marry a man who wants to be a SAHD but good luck making that work.

Pp - my working friends all seem miserable and overwhelmed. I have more kids and a special kid and we are okay. Not saying its never difficult but we wouldn't exchange it for anything.

In a way the clear gendered division of labor just makes less arguments and stress. I have no expectation he'll do wake up or bedtime, so I'm very grateful every time he does do it (most of the time). He listens to me regarding discipline issues and I take notes from PTA and send to him to loop him in with where kids are holding but don't expect any input.

My father is disabled. Brilliant scholar but couldn't work. My mom was essentially a single mother. Earned all the money, did all the childcare, everything.

I am a sahm married to a big earner. He doesn't lift a finger at home. We have a bunch of little kids and a ton of help .

I actually think I have the better end of the deal than most of my friends. I run the house, groceries, dinner, childcare, special child's care. My husband often gets up with the kids who wake up at 500 if he hasn't been working until 3 am and he also does bedtime most nights. He also pays the bills.

Since working from home life has gotten a lot more relaxed for us.

You can have this reality in this life. Along with not cooking nor cleaning. Eventually someone gets hungry, orders food or hires cleaners

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband does everything now. For a good portion of our marriage I did most of it. I work full time from home. Then he had an affair and after it was discovered he took on everything without asking: laundry, grocery shopping, meals, carpools, etc. I might write her a thank you note. I relax like a man now and have a raging libido. It feels good to live like a male. In my next life, I’m coming back as a husband.

Good for you!!

This is amazing.

Very!! Impressive.

Anonymous wrote:I have been married for 21 years, working full-time for 18 of them (took off 3 1/2 years when kids were very young). My husband has not worked in over 7 years, yet has never booked a single doctor's appointment, orthodontist, teacher conference, playdate (okay, well we don't do those anymore), or outing. He doesn't know what classes our kids take, when their practice times are--or possibly even what sports they play. Doesn't know who their friends are. He doesn't grocery shop, cook, or do laundry. He thinks he cleans the house by running the vaccuum once a week, but refuses to clean bathrooms--and won't allow us to hire a house cleaner. The only time he leaves the house is to walk the dog and every now and then to pick up our daughter from somewhere if I ask nicely. Last night, he canceled Hulu--he canceled our cable years ago--because he says it's gotten too expensive. He yells at me about our credit card bill every single month, even though I pay 100% of it. I pay for 75% of everything. He contributes the rest from his very large trust fund. You all don't even know uneven or the depths of resentment that a wife treated so unfairly can feel. If you see your future starting to look like this, start saving money now and get out!

The real question is why aren’t YOU getting out?

Why don’t you stop paying the mortgage or other big items? What’s he going to do? Let you lose your home? Stop being a doormat.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband does everything now. For a good portion of our marriage I did most of it. I work full time from home. Then he had an affair and after it was discovered he took on everything without asking: laundry, grocery shopping, meals, carpools, etc. I might write her a thank you note. I relax like a man now and have a raging libido. It feels good to live like a male. In my next life, I’m coming back as a husband.

Good for you!!

This is amazing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No fantastic looking woman is unmarried.

Disagree

Love,
Halle

well, you stayed in a married to a guy who beat the sh*t out of you for years, and then you've hoped from one relationship to another for many years. but glad you're finally at peace, Halle.

Anonymous wrote:No fantastic looking woman is unmarried.

Disagree

Love,
Halle