Anonymous
Post 10/18/2020 12:48     Subject: Cannot do COVID anymore
Anonymous wrote:11 pages of good advice and the OP only responds to complain or naysay. I don’t OP really wants to change her situation. I’m sensing a bit of martyr syndrome.


+1
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2020 07:51     Subject: Cannot do COVID anymore
I'm sorry Op. new poster here and have not read the full thread. My 2 cents. This would be hard without covid. Been there and remember it will not be this hard forever. Your babies are only babies for a blink 1. Switch to formula 2. Hire help (hpusecleaner definately and someone who can do laundry, sheets, etc), consider putting baby in daycare 2 days per week so husband can look for a job. Be kind to yourself and your husband. I am married to a wonderful man who would not do well with taking care of a baby and house. You need to throw some money at the problem and give your husband the time he needs to look for employment. Good luck and congrats. Having a great job and two young ones is hard and I'm sure your doing better than you think.
Anonymous
Post 10/17/2020 07:19     Subject: Cannot do COVID anymore
11 pages of good advice and the OP only responds to complain or naysay. I don’t OP really wants to change her situation. I’m sensing a bit of martyr syndrome.
Anonymous
Post 10/17/2020 07:18     Subject: Re:Cannot do COVID anymore
Your problem is not your husband, it’s that you work too GD much. What a waste of life.
Anonymous
Post 10/17/2020 06:58     Subject: Re:Cannot do COVID anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why did your husband quit his job?


Yeah OP did bury the lede there. What man who is not retirement age quits without another job lined up??


I'm not the OP, but I also questioned OP about this earlier in the thread.

I'm going to guess it's because he was about to be fired, but they (his employer) allowed him to "quit" to save face. Based on how OP has described him, would YOU want this man working for you?


Wow, that's unkind. I'm the OP - it is because his employer didn't offer parental leave for men and he wanted to take time off with our baby. That, combined with other things that weren't working for him at his job and our ability to (pre-COVID) get by on my one salary. Women do this all the time, why does it make my husband a slacker about to get fired? Geez.


Wait, you said he quit BEFORE your kid was born. Who takes paternity leave before the child arrives?
Anonymous
Post 10/17/2020 06:56     Subject: Re:Cannot do COVID anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why did your husband quit his job?


Yeah OP did bury the lede there. What man who is not retirement age quits without another job lined up??


I'm not the OP, but I also questioned OP about this earlier in the thread.

I'm going to guess it's because he was about to be fired, but they (his employer) allowed him to "quit" to save face. Based on how OP has described him, would YOU want this man working for you?


Wow, that's unkind. I'm the OP - it is because his employer didn't offer parental leave for men and he wanted to take time off with our baby. That, combined with other things that weren't working for him at his job and our ability to (pre-COVID) get by on my one salary. Women do this all the time, why does it make my husband a slacker about to get fired? Geez.


OP, it may have been unkind, but it wasn’t totally unwarranted. You’re saying he wanted to stay home with your baby...but he seems totally ill-equipped to be a stay at home parent. So, honestly, it sounds like he didn’t want to work and thought being with a baby would be easy. But it’s not, and now he doesn’t want to do it...
Anonymous
Post 10/17/2020 06:36     Subject: Cannot do COVID anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You need to hire help.

I SAH with similar aged kids, and DH bills at least what you do. I’d say I’m great at chores (unlike your DH) but honestly some babies are easy to take care of while doing housework and others really aren’t. I also have health issues that require far too many doctors visits and my DH will stay with the baby while I go. It’s hard on him, and it’s something we used to hire a babysitter for, but we don’t want to in covid.

The thing is, a babysitter or nanny fully exposes you, covid wise. A housekeeper does not. We have a housekeeper come two days per week and we simply go to a different level of the house that she’s on. She cleans and does laundry, and wears a mask. We also order all our groceries online right now - I think your DH is right that it’s not worth taking a baby to the store - and when things are stressful with baby we order delivery meals as well.

If your DH isn’t super excited about looking for a job he needs to take on more of the SAH role, but he has to be given some leeway to outsource. There are ways that can be done relatively safely.

Sorry OP. Times are rough.


I am the OP - Thank you so much for saying this. I feel like we are in similar places in a lot of ways. Taking the baby to the store just seems too risky - we can suit up the older kiddo in a mask and face shield but not the little guy. A baby sitter a couple times a week would be ideal, but I feel like finding someone part-time with the same level of covid-aversion that we have that is willing to not work with any other families just seems like an unreasonable ask. I feel like its all or nothing. We don't really want to go all-in with a nanny because even the little bit of school my older kid has been going to has been so good for him. He has missed daycare and other kids so much.

He is the one most opposed to outsourcing, and it is because of the COVID risk and not the money. He has always hated having housekeepers, and at best I could only convince him in pre-covid times to have them come every other month. But then he doesn't do "his" chores and has a high tolerance for mess, and I have a lower mess tolerance, so I have the brunt of the anxiety around a messy house. I'm just breaking down today. I've been working all my weekends and haven't had a day off in eons, and I'm can't remember the last time I went to bed before midnight.

I wanted to go back to work part-time after the second kid, but then my firm cut salaries and without reliable child care we don't feel like my husband can look for a job yet. It has just all been so much with no end in sight and I'm so worried that winter will just make virus spread worse and reduce our options even further.


OP, I have two words for you - GROCERY DELIVERY. What is your opposition to this? You sound like you’re drowning. People have offered tons of suggestions that will help you out and you’re apparently unwilling to listen to any of them. Maybe it’s the way your brain is working right now but you really need to wake up and listen. You can be COVID-cautious all you want, but I’m pretty sure the risk of having a mom who has a mental breakdown is higher than the risk that your family will contract COVID from a maid. YOU NEED HELP. If your husband doesn’t clean the house the way you want him to, then you get to hire a maid. Stop letting him dictate how you live your life, especially when he isn’t even bringing in any money!
Anonymous
Post 10/16/2020 20:43     Subject: Re:Cannot do COVID anymore
OP, how’s it going? Have you talked to your DH? Hired outside help? Any changes yet?
Anonymous
Post 10/16/2020 20:41     Subject: Cannot do COVID anymore
Anonymous wrote:Why are you going to the grocery store? Get delivery.


In any case, how much time REALLY is the grocery store per week. The problem is the appointments and... well I’m not sure what else Op just seems unhappy but it’s unclear if kids are going hungry or developing bedsores or if he is just messier than she is.
Anonymous
Post 10/16/2020 20:30     Subject: Cannot do COVID anymore
Why are you going to the grocery store? Get delivery.
Anonymous
Post 10/16/2020 20:30     Subject: Cannot do COVID anymore
+1 OP your husband is lazy AF
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The problem is your job, OP. I would never sell my soul for a 60+ hour per week job.


Not completely.

Even if OP worked only 40 hours a week, her husband would still be considered lazy. A Stay at home parent with a spouse who worked 40 hours a week should do much more than OP's husband is.


Anonymous
Post 10/16/2020 20:26     Subject: Cannot do COVID anymore
I recommend you go into the office if you can. Leave your husband at home to deal with it. Needs groceries? “Honey I got a deadline” He can figure it out just like everyone else or go without groceries.
Anonymous
Post 10/16/2020 20:15     Subject: Cannot do COVID anymore
Anonymous wrote:The problem is your job, OP. I would never sell my soul for a 60+ hour per week job.


Not completely.

Even if OP worked only 40 hours a week, her husband would still be considered lazy. A Stay at home parent with a spouse who worked 40 hours a week should do much more than OP's husband is.


Anonymous
Post 10/16/2020 19:53     Subject: Cannot do COVID anymore
The problem is your job, OP. I would never sell my soul for a 60+ hour per week job.
Anonymous
Post 10/16/2020 18:47     Subject: Cannot do COVID anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I really can't get over how the vast majority of posters here are insisting that the SAHD needs to have
-a full time nanny, in addition to the part time preschool for the older child.
-weekly housecleaners
-grocery delivery so that he never has to run errands

Go on any thread about SAHMs and you will read about how lazy, entitled, and selfish they are if they have ANY form of childcare, don't clean every inch of their own house, run their own errands, and cook gourmet organic meals three times a day.


I think the difference here is that the non SAHP is asking for advice for herself. People are looking for things that OP can do to improve her situation.

If OP's husband were the one here, he would definitely read about how lazy, entitled and selfish he is.


Exactly. The focus is on problem-solving for the OP. Husband, for what appears to be a mix of reasons, can’t fully step up to the plate. OP has a brutal but lucrative job. Use that money now. There will be no better time for it.