Anonymous
Post 09/28/2020 16:39     Subject: Does a blended family actually work?
Anonymous wrote:By the way, the “Evil Stepmother“ is an historic archetype for a reason, she‘s existed in oral tradition even predating written history. Since women died so often in childbirth, widowers always remarried with their children and fathered more with new wives. If you ever venture into the sewage of Steptalk, you will witness how little has changed. The studies show that men admit to disliking their stepchildren at about a 50% rate and women hate them even MORE. A lot of this is because the childcare falls almost always on the stepmom. But you cannot ignore the preference you instinctively have for your children over another woman’s (who birthed them with your husband!). How people in the 21st century think they will escape the biological imperative imprinted in their DNA (and thousand year old fairy tales!) is baffling.


You are right in some respects. But there is a world of difference between a historic-era woman trying to raise a deceased woman's kids along with her own, often with highly limited resources, compared to today's scenarios where the biological mother (and father) are very much involved in day-to-day life.

The most vital element in any potential "blended" success story is the children's biological mother. Numerous studies which have shown that if the children's mother can show them she is accepting of the SM - not as an actual mother, per se - but as an important adult in the child's life, there is a potential for the family to succeed. Unfortunately, this rarely happens since most women are imprinted in their DNA to fear other women who form bonds with their kids. It is next to impossible to let another woman become a important to your children without jealousy eventually rearing its head, especially when that woman is now with your former husband.

Anonymous
Post 09/28/2020 16:19     Subject: Does a blended family actually work?
By the way, the “Evil Stepmother“ is an historic archetype for a reason, she‘s existed in oral tradition even predating written history. Since women died so often in childbirth, widowers always remarried with their children and fathered more with new wives. If you ever venture into the sewage of Steptalk, you will witness how little has changed. The studies show that men admit to disliking their stepchildren at about a 50% rate and women hate them even MORE. A lot of this is because the childcare falls almost always on the stepmom. But you cannot ignore the preference you instinctively have for your children over another woman’s (who birthed them with your husband!). How people in the 21st century think they will escape the biological imperative imprinted in their DNA (and thousand year old fairy tales!) is baffling.
Anonymous
Post 09/28/2020 16:08     Subject: Re:Does a blended family actually work?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It seems like the general consensus here is if you divorce, no family for you. I get divorce is awful, and it’s awful for all involved, not just the children, but how is it that you should then be doomed to a life of solitude? Marriage and family are normal desires, and those that are divorced still have normal human desires.

If you are able to navigate a blended family in a reasonable, responsible, mature way, I think it can work. We only live once, one shouldn’t deprive themselves of happiness because of a past error.


Your children will love the idea that their family of origin is an "error".

You already have a family. Just not one that you are happy with. You can remarry and you will probably still be unhappy with it. Most families don't blend that well. Have realistic expectations and don't try to hassle people into playacting Fake Happy Family. This isn't your children's fault and if you are unhappy with it, well, so is everyone else too.

+1 The kind of mindset that says I‘M unhappy so I’M going to divorce and I love this new person so I will marry them doesn’t take notice of two entire sets of families and children who are affected by these decisions made by ME for MY happiness.
Anonymous
Post 09/28/2020 15:32     Subject: Re:Does a blended family actually work?
Anonymous wrote:It seems like the general consensus here is if you divorce, no family for you. I get divorce is awful, and it’s awful for all involved, not just the children, but how is it that you should then be doomed to a life of solitude? Marriage and family are normal desires, and those that are divorced still have normal human desires.

If you are able to navigate a blended family in a reasonable, responsible, mature way, I think it can work. We only live once, one shouldn’t deprive themselves of happiness because of a past error.


Your children will love the idea that their family of origin is an "error".

You already have a family. Just not one that you are happy with. You can remarry and you will probably still be unhappy with it. Most families don't blend that well. Have realistic expectations and don't try to hassle people into playacting Fake Happy Family. This isn't your children's fault and if you are unhappy with it, well, so is everyone else too.
Anonymous
Post 09/28/2020 12:50     Subject: Re:Does a blended family actually work?
Anonymous wrote:It seems like the general consensus here is if you divorce, no family for you. I get divorce is awful, and it’s awful for all involved, not just the children, but how is it that you should then be doomed to a life of solitude? Marriage and family are normal desires, and those that are divorced still have normal human desires.

If you are able to navigate a blended family in a reasonable, responsible, mature way, I think it can work. We only live once, one shouldn’t deprive themselves of happiness because of a past error.


A past error? You mean marrying someone, making a life with them, making multiple babies with them-is an error? That’s a whole lot of choices made over the course of many years-weird to call it an error.

How is anyone saying if you get divorced, no family for you? Families take all shapes. Your children are your family. Your parents are your family. Many people have friends they consider family. You can even have a partner who you spend time with and share your life with when you don’t have your children (like when they are with your ex). All of that is having a family.
Anonymous
Post 09/28/2020 12:35     Subject: Re:Does a blended family actually work?
It seems like the general consensus here is if you divorce, no family for you. I get divorce is awful, and it’s awful for all involved, not just the children, but how is it that you should then be doomed to a life of solitude? Marriage and family are normal desires, and those that are divorced still have normal human desires.

If you are able to navigate a blended family in a reasonable, responsible, mature way, I think it can work. We only live once, one shouldn’t deprive themselves of happiness because of a past error.
Anonymous
Post 09/27/2020 12:56     Subject: Does a blended family actually work?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’ve been seriously seeing someone for 3 years. We each have a child with an ex-spouse, one is 9, one is 4. 9 yo is 50/50, 4 yo is 70/30 (with us). I’d like to get married and have 1-2 more children but I’m struggling with how that will impact the current kids. On one hand, they’re all young and could grow up together part time, but I don’t want them to feel left out of a “traditional family”.

I’d love to hear any experiences (good or bad) with blended families like this.


Generally no, but if all of you get family counselling prior to marriage and continue the counselling and all of you are willing to put in the emotional work and strain, it can work. I would say no. It is too exhausting particularly if there is an angry ex wife in the picture.


It is unlikely that a teenager would be willing.
Anonymous
Post 09/27/2020 11:50     Subject: Does a blended family actually work?
Anonymous wrote:I’ve been seriously seeing someone for 3 years. We each have a child with an ex-spouse, one is 9, one is 4. 9 yo is 50/50, 4 yo is 70/30 (with us). I’d like to get married and have 1-2 more children but I’m struggling with how that will impact the current kids. On one hand, they’re all young and could grow up together part time, but I don’t want them to feel left out of a “traditional family”.

I’d love to hear any experiences (good or bad) with blended families like this.


Generally no, but if all of you get family counselling prior to marriage and continue the counselling and all of you are willing to put in the emotional work and strain, it can work. I would say no. It is too exhausting particularly if there is an angry ex wife in the picture.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2020 19:59     Subject: Does a blended family actually work?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:When i married my husband i had a 3 year old daughter (Single Mom by Choice) and he brought 2 boys to the marriage, ages 2 and 1. It can work when the kids are so young like this and they grow up together.

I did specify when he finally convinced me to marry him that I would be financially responsible for our daughter and he for our sons. Its a good thing because there is no way I could afford to feed the boys who each grew to be 6'2" and 6'1" (we called him the little guy). They are now 18 and 19 and on the way to becoming semi-professional soccer players. On the other hand our petite daughter is majoring in Violin performance.


Do you also have an ex and what about your husband? How much do you have custody of the kids with you?



Hello -- she is an SMC. There is no ex.

They stipulated before marriage who would support who.

Read again.


Excellent planing! Clear-headed parents.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2020 17:48     Subject: Does a blended family actually work?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Re-marrying with little kids is a horrible idea, especially when Exs are involved. Everyone dreams that it would work but it rarely does and so much emotional stress for the kids. Way to do parenting to expect kids to pull your emotional deadweight. Parents screw up and now expecting kids to accommodate.


So true. And then oftentimes the 2nd marriage doesn’t work and the kids then have ex step siblings and ex step parents.

Or, the 2nd marriage works out and the kids have decades of navigating extremely complicated dynamics.

I don’t get the need to make a new happy family. Like just date and enjoy each other. A lot of times these divorced couples only have their kids half tome anyway, just date when your kids are with your ex. Problem solved.


But then they don’t get to play big happy family!



Complicated dynamics don't just apply to the kids. Affects adults for decades, too.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2020 10:46     Subject: Does a blended family actually work?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Re-marrying with little kids is a horrible idea, especially when Exs are involved. Everyone dreams that it would work but it rarely does and so much emotional stress for the kids. Way to do parenting to expect kids to pull your emotional deadweight. Parents screw up and now expecting kids to accommodate.


So true. And then oftentimes the 2nd marriage doesn’t work and the kids then have ex step siblings and ex step parents.

Or, the 2nd marriage works out and the kids have decades of navigating extremely complicated dynamics.

I don’t get the need to make a new happy family. Like just date and enjoy each other. A lot of times these divorced couples only have their kids half tome anyway, just date when your kids are with your ex. Problem solved.


But then they don’t get to play big happy family!

Anonymous
Post 09/26/2020 10:41     Subject: Does a blended family actually work?
Anonymous wrote:Re-marrying with little kids is a horrible idea, especially when Exs are involved. Everyone dreams that it would work but it rarely does and so much emotional stress for the kids. Way to do parenting to expect kids to pull your emotional deadweight. Parents screw up and now expecting kids to accommodate.


So true. And then oftentimes the 2nd marriage doesn’t work and the kids then have ex step siblings and ex step parents.

Or, the 2nd marriage works out and the kids have decades of navigating extremely complicated dynamics.

I don’t get the need to make a new happy family. Like just date and enjoy each other. A lot of times these divorced couples only have their kids half tome anyway, just date when your kids are with your ex. Problem solved.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2020 10:21     Subject: Does a blended family actually work?
Re-marrying with little kids is a horrible idea, especially when Exs are involved. Everyone dreams that it would work but it rarely does and so much emotional stress for the kids. Way to do parenting to expect kids to pull your emotional deadweight. Parents screw up and now expecting kids to accommodate.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2020 08:41     Subject: Re:Does a blended family actually work?
Anonymous wrote:

I for one, used my good sense and brainpower to stay married instead of trying to explain to my kid why she has to be treated like Cinderella. You do you.


And I for one, used my good sense and brainpower to make sure I am able to support my kids so that they won’t be treated like Cinderella. But you do you, keep staring at the ceiling while ensuring your financial well being.


So tell us all how your supposed incontrovertible brain power helped you to "...manage a blended family" and for how long have you been doing it? Are your kids and your stepkids all successful adults now? If they are not, then I wouldn't be bragging about how successful I am if I were you. Is your spouse's ex still in the picture? If so, how exactly do you "manager" her/him - especially if s/he has parenting failures which result in your stepkids having problems. (Like ignoring/permitting behavior such as alcohol, drug use, promiscuity, etc. because s/he wants to be the cool mom/dad). Tell us how you would "manage" the ex? Especially if s/he decides to start alienating the stepkids from your spouse as retaliation?

Perhaps your way of managing that scenario is to tell your heartbroken spouse to figure it out on their own as it's not your problem. Good luck with that.


you have some kind of weird anti-divorce projection going on here. I'm thinking that you're in a very, very unhappy marriage, and desperately trying to justify it.



You couldn't be more wrong. I am anti remarriage whenever there are children (minor or adults) involved. It is fine to date someone, live with them, whatever ... but you should never marry someone who has children from another marriage. Even if living together, you must absolutely have your own financial escape plan, if needed.

I've seen way too many cases where a second spouse's lives and finances were destroyed because their spouse made their own bio-kids' wants and needs the top priority. Most bio parents will do that and that's their prerogative. The problem comes in when they expect the second spouse to help foot those bills, either directly or through subsidizing. Retirement accounts depleted, second mortgages, you name it.

I had a neighbor in his 80s who had been remarried more than 20 years. He moved into his wife's house when they married. Both he and his wife were frail but he took care of all her daily needs and he took care of the house as best he could, and got in helping agencies in when he couldn't. That old guy did everything humanly possible to care for his wife who he loved deeply.

As she came closer to death her adult daughter (who rarely visited) came rolling in with an attorney and had the woman sign the house over to her and make her executrix.

When the woman passed away the adult daughter came by ONE WEEK AFTER THE FUNERAL and told the old man to get his stuff out of "her" house by the end of the month. Imagine being in your 80s and getting kicked out of your home a week after you've buried your beloved spouse.

You hear a lot about horrible stepparents but the other side of the story is rarely told.
Anonymous
Post 09/24/2020 20:35     Subject: Re:Does a blended family actually work?
Hmmm...DH’s ex wife was the bio mom who maxed out her 401K helping her alcoholic son and I’m glad DH isn’t an enabler. Ex-wife ended up coming out of retirement to work for health insurance and her own marriage was strained because of her lack of funds and the presence of her son causing trouble. We know this from the brother. So it’s about boundaries.