Anonymous
Post 08/02/2020 12:55     Subject: Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Get a second job. Have son start working at 16 to pay for college. It is how most of America pays for college.

The bigger question is why you don't have a college fund for son.


It’s not 1976 anymore. A part time job from age 16-18 would barely buy your books, much less tuition.


So what? The kid needs to contribute. Nothing is free, and the sooner they learn that, the better.


Except his step-brother’s college tuition!




My daughter saved up $8k in a savings account from age 15.5 onwards: working, babysitting, bday gifts, graduation gifts. She is naturally very frugal though.
Anonymous
Post 08/02/2020 09:40     Subject: Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
Anonymous wrote:It is hard reading this thread as my kids have a friend who has been treated horribly by the adults in his life. I met kids mom when our kids were in es. She had an affair, divorced, and remarried an asshat. Her husband made it clear "he is not going to raise or support another man's child". In the house this kid lives in, their younger sibling gets everything - every toy child wants, new clothes, every sport kid want to try. Older kid gets nothing. Older kid had to find ways to fund everything. I know all 4 parents involved and they are some of the most selfish assholes I've ever met. Mom to kid is so happy she landed the guy she was having an affair with, she doesn't care if he hates her kid. This kid is a straight A student who works hard at everything. Her ex has mental issues and has no money. The kid is on his own in a family that has everything. It is one of the most disgusting situations I've ever seen. Step dad has a kid the same age as this kid. That kid's mom and the dad are both very well off. This kid gets everything he wants and physically abuses the other kid and steals from him. The dad looks away. My kids stopped going to their house for playdates because of this.

I think the grandparents who agree with this crap raised the asshole my friend married.

Looks like your as*hole friend found her perfect family. Poor child though do you have him over for play dates? Let your home be a safe place for him if at all possible. He will remember your family when he grows up.
Anonymous
Post 08/02/2020 08:40     Subject: Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
I agree with others that step grandparents have no obligation to pay step grandson’s tuition.

But, I can’t believe that in 11 pages, no one has raised the implications for financial aid for OP’s biological son.

OP, you need to consult someone who specializes in college financial aid. If you and DH live in one household with both boys and they will be in college at overlapping times, it may substantially affect the financial aid one or both of the boys could receive absent any grandparent contribution to one of them.

OTOH, being able to apply to a college as a full pay student provides a significant boost in the likelihood of getting accepted to college. If your DH’s son doesn’t have above the 25th percentile in grades and test scores of admitted students, he may actually need to NOT get financial aid and buy his way in to family college with Grandparents money.

Please consult a qualified college admissions counselor and financial aid specialist.
Anonymous
Post 08/02/2020 03:17     Subject: Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
Anonymous wrote:It is hard reading this thread as my kids have a friend who has been treated horribly by the adults in his life. I met kids mom when our kids were in es. She had an affair, divorced, and remarried an asshat. Her husband made it clear "he is not going to raise or support another man's child". In the house this kid lives in, their younger sibling gets everything - every toy child wants, new clothes, every sport kid want to try. Older kid gets nothing. Older kid had to find ways to fund everything. I know all 4 parents involved and they are some of the most selfish assholes I've ever met. Mom to kid is so happy she landed the guy she was having an affair with, she doesn't care if he hates her kid. This kid is a straight A student who works hard at everything. Her ex has mental issues and has no money. The kid is on his own in a family that has everything. It is one of the most disgusting situations I've ever seen. Step dad has a kid the same age as this kid. That kid's mom and the dad are both very well off. This kid gets everything he wants and physically abuses the other kid and steals from him. The dad looks away. My kids stopped going to their house for playdates because of this.

I think the grandparents who agree with this crap raised the asshole my friend married.


Best thing you can do is to let the kid know that those people are screwed up and that therapy is a good thing.
Anonymous
Post 08/02/2020 02:53     Subject: Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
It is hard reading this thread as my kids have a friend who has been treated horribly by the adults in his life. I met kids mom when our kids were in es. She had an affair, divorced, and remarried an asshat. Her husband made it clear "he is not going to raise or support another man's child". In the house this kid lives in, their younger sibling gets everything - every toy child wants, new clothes, every sport kid want to try. Older kid gets nothing. Older kid had to find ways to fund everything. I know all 4 parents involved and they are some of the most selfish assholes I've ever met. Mom to kid is so happy she landed the guy she was having an affair with, she doesn't care if he hates her kid. This kid is a straight A student who works hard at everything. Her ex has mental issues and has no money. The kid is on his own in a family that has everything. It is one of the most disgusting situations I've ever seen. Step dad has a kid the same age as this kid. That kid's mom and the dad are both very well off. This kid gets everything he wants and physically abuses the other kid and steals from him. The dad looks away. My kids stopped going to their house for playdates because of this.

I think the grandparents who agree with this crap raised the asshole my friend married.
Anonymous
Post 08/02/2020 02:14     Subject: Re:Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
Well I doubt that these people are bottomless pits of money. They likely saved from the birth of your DH's son to pay for his college. You can't expect them to magically double the money they have just so your son can also go to the same college.
Anonymous
Post 08/02/2020 01:23     Subject: Re:Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
Anonymous wrote:Wow. This thread has been my popcorn of the night. So sad and so worthy of debate. I truly hope I never lose my DH or get a divorce because I cannot imagine remarrying, ever.

You don’t have to, you know...
Anonymous
Post 08/02/2020 00:09     Subject: Re:Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
Wow. This thread has been my popcorn of the night. So sad and so worthy of debate. I truly hope I never lose my DH or get a divorce because I cannot imagine remarrying, ever.
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2020 18:05     Subject: Re:Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No offense but I am a step grandparent and I want to offer a few reasons as to why those in my position choose NOT to extend any financial help to step grandchildren. First, there really is nothing in it for step grandparents emotionally to invest in their step grandchildren. It’s no different than donating to charity because this could be any persons child. Second, the return on investment is also nil, financially speaking. With your own grandchildren, you see upward mobility or continued success and can feel proud of it. With step grandchildren, it doesn’t carry through future generations. There are people who do try to treat everyone equally but it just creates resentment to put on a facade. Hope this helps OP.


Presumably your son or daughter loves this child. The child is part of the family your child is building.


Until they divorce and the stepparent never sees the kid again.


I don’t know any adults who care for step grandparents. There is nothing it for those grandparents.


How distastefully...transactional.

I don't know how young you have kids in your family but my grandparents (and step grandparents) had passed of old age before I was an adult. It usually falls to kids to take care of their own parents.

At least, in warm loving families that welcome their children's spouses and kids with open arms and hearts.


It goes both ways. If someone wrote on DCUM that she or he was being asked to contribute or care for a step grandparent, I would imagine that posters would say said someone has no obligation because there’s no Blood kinship. Doesn’t matter how much resources were invested in the step grandchildren. So no, I wouldn’t actually invest anything in step grandchildren. Maybe buy an ice cream but that’s about it.
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2020 16:50     Subject: Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
NP.

Of course a child needs to contribute to the cost of their education. WTF? Minimum 15 hours per week work study gives them spending money. My child knows if he does not get a 3.6 GPA each semester the next semester is on him. I am not paying for some spoiled kid to go party a thousand miles from home. I pay tuition, books, etc, He earns the spending money he wants.

He has been raised all his life knowing this. It's not like we are springing it on him in high school.

Anonymous
Post 08/01/2020 15:17     Subject: Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:New poster. I am amazed at how kind many Americans are to their steps, treating them as their own, almost to the point of being naive tbh. I guess it creates entitlement in some people.
Honestly I would not even consider giving significant amounts of effort or money to a step grandchild (not that I have any but who knows what the future brings).


“Their steps”?

No wonder children from broken families can be so traumatized. It is not inevitable by any means, but these posts show me what some of them have to endure

Kids can be traumatized in blended families, yes.
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2020 15:13     Subject: Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
Anonymous wrote:New poster. I am amazed at how kind many Americans are to their steps, treating them as their own, almost to the point of being naive tbh. I guess it creates entitlement in some people.
Honestly I would not even consider giving significant amounts of effort or money to a step grandchild (not that I have any but who knows what the future brings).


“Their steps”?

No wonder children from broken families can be so traumatized. It is not inevitable by any means, but these posts show me what some of them have to endure
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2020 15:10     Subject: Re:Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No offense but I am a step grandparent and I want to offer a few reasons as to why those in my position choose NOT to extend any financial help to step grandchildren. First, there really is nothing in it for step grandparents emotionally to invest in their step grandchildren. It’s no different than donating to charity because this could be any persons child. Second, the return on investment is also nil, financially speaking. With your own grandchildren, you see upward mobility or continued success and can feel proud of it. With step grandchildren, it doesn’t carry through future generations. There are people who do try to treat everyone equally but it just creates resentment to put on a facade. Hope this helps OP.


Presumably your son or daughter loves this child. The child is part of the family your child is building.


Until they divorce and the stepparent never sees the kid again.


I don’t know any adults who care for step grandparents. There is nothing it for those grandparents.


Wow, transactional even in your own family. Stunning
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2020 08:31     Subject: Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Get a second job. Have son start working at 16 to pay for college. It is how most of America pays for college.

The bigger question is why you don't have a college fund for son.


It’s not 1976 anymore. A part time job from age 16-18 would barely buy your books, much less tuition.


So what? The kid needs to contribute. Nothing is free, and the sooner they learn that, the better.


Except his step-brother’s college tuition!

Anonymous
Post 08/01/2020 08:25     Subject: Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine
Also this is why I am happy I will never have a second child...I am divorced and my kid isn’t a baby and that would just potentially set him up for being a second class citizen, ugh!