Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Religious organizations. Temple. Church. Youth groups. Services. It is about learning values and ethics and giving back to the community and havaing a purpose.

And finding there an older male mentor. (I have the perfect person in my parish: former military, background in psychology and youth development. I am sure other places have resources like him as well!)

Isn’t his dad the older male mentor? What does his dad say about the boy?

Often times dads are not engaged with their kids in UMC families.

My DH is a travel sports coach and there are always a handful of boys that velcro to him. Dad always is not around in those situations. Very busy successful careers. It is NEVER the kid whose dad is bringing the kid to practice, never the kid whose dad is emailing and calling with questions. The profile of these boys who are so thirsty for male attention are the ones where the mom is very obviously doing the heavy lifting.

I'm so sorry to hear about this, OP.

Your son sounds like mine as a teen. He had depression and ADHD. He saw a therapist and is now doing much better, although it took months for change to happen.

I agree with other posters that therapy may be helpful, if it is an option.

Wishing you and your son the best.

Anonymous wrote:To the PP my son is not a psychopath. If anything he feels too much. He also demonstrated great empathy in his life.

OP, is he interested in any trades? My BIL was a lot like this at this age. He did poorly in high school, his mom forced him to go to college and he dropped out twice and never graduated. In his mid-20s, he got his act together, put himself through trade school because his mom was "embarrassed" to have a child learn the trades, and is now doing great. Married, owns a home, a 401k, a baby daughter, and works full time in his chosen profession. His relationship with my MIL could be better- surprise! She's still embarrassed by his trade work, but his skill is valuable and impressive. I brag about him to everyone who thinks college is for everyone.

Trades can be a stepping stone to more education, or can lead to an entire career. Check your local community college if he is interested. Electricians are paid well and the work is interesting, but any trade program that appeals to him might help him with his depression. It will also give him a reason to stop the drugs. It's hard not to feel depressed when you don't have something to look forward to.

OP-really most of this is normal. Keep supporting him. Most kids find their way. You do not know where a kid will end up from how they are at 17. My good friend from High School went to Harvard and has switched careers multiple times, been divorced twice and is estranged from her family. Not saying we don’t all hope our kids are Harvard material but the journey is long. Keep working on your relationship. I also agree that a part time job could do wonders.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even know where to start. As parents, we were loving, involved, provided opportunities for an excellent education, sports, music, tutors etc. We are kind, well informed, healthy, parents. Pursued therapy and medication as appropriate. My daughter turned out great.

My son is now 17 and

Smokes marijuana regularly (those who haven’t dealt with this please don’t go into where do they get it, the money etc. they find a way)
Does bare minimum at school
Has a crappy attitude
Quit all his sports
Has a terrible temper (think holes in walls)
Doesn’t exercise
Vapes/smokes
Eats horribly
Isn’t very motivated
Is immature
Risk taker
Adhd - takes medicine during school day
Some learning disabilities, not major


I am at a loss and trying not to give up on him, but it’s been years of trying to get him good help, support, trying to enforce boundaries and the list goes on. I’m just tired and incredibly sad about this.

OP, what does your husband think? Is he close to your son?

As someone who served a tour in the army, I am always perplexed when people suggest the military for a wayward kid. That's a terrible idea. It tests the stress tolerance of even the most mentally stable person, and people with mental illness do not fare well. What's worse, an issue that would cause no concern in the civilian world can create a criminal record in the military. It could ruin his future if he joins.


Look at Chelsea Manning. People think of her as a folk hero but she was very mentally ill and a doctor tried to stop her from being deployed. But mental illness will not keep you out of a combat zone. While overseas, she punched her famale boss in the face (while she identifies female, it was still a male body striking a female with a punch to the face). She barricaded herself in a room and carved the words "I hurt" into furniture. Was the reaction to get her treatment? No. Per usual, they just took away her weapon so that she was now unarmed in a combat zone. Then she dumped national secrets onto the internet, resulting in the deaths of Afghan civilians. She is lucky she wasn't tried for murder. Her mental illness? Well, no one cares. It doesn't mitigate her sentencing.

Do not do this to your kid. You have no idea how it will play out. Crazy people should not be given guns and classified information.

Thanks everyone for your insights and feedback. To the person that referenced to link to CRAFT - thank you. I just signed up for a course and some parent coaching on that front. It definitely was in sync with my general thinking and approach.

Anonymous wrote:Accept that this is who he is. It is genetic.

Thanks for the laugh!

Accept that this is who he is. It is genetic.

He does sound depressed. He also sounds challenging.

I got a small taste of your situation recently regarding my own son and I know for certain that my feelings showed and harmed. I would do anything I could and seek any help I could to learn how to show only the love.

Good luck.

Get him off pot.

Don’t stop helping and nagging him. He will mature in a few years and will be fine with tough love, guidance and a mom who won’t let him be. Similar experience with my youngest brother. I couldn’t believe it but my mom was relentless and it worked.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even know where to start. As parents, we were loving, involved, provided opportunities for an excellent education, sports, music, tutors etc. We are kind, well informed, healthy, parents. Pursued therapy and medication as appropriate. My daughter turned out great.

My son is now 17 and

Smokes marijuana regularly (those who haven’t dealt with this please don’t go into where do they get it, the money etc. they find a way)
Does bare minimum at school
Has a crappy attitude
Quit all his sports
Has a terrible temper (think holes in walls)
Doesn’t exercise
Vapes/smokes
Eats horribly
Isn’t very motivated
Is immature
Risk taker
Adhd - takes medicine during school day
Some learning disabilities, not major


I am at a loss and trying not to give up on him, but it’s been years of trying to get him good help, support, trying to enforce boundaries and the list goes on. I’m just tired and incredibly sad about this.

If I had a teen that was not respectful to me or his father and was throwing holes in the wall I would take him around to talk to the recruiters. Even if he did not physically
qualify. The recruiters will spend some time talking to him and about his future. Even if he does not physically qualify for some reason they will spend time talking to him and talk about respect and discipline etc. There is no reason for a kid to be punching holes in the walls.

Start talking to him about his plans post high school. Does he plan on going directly to work? Trade school? Honestly he does not sound like a good candidate for college.

Is he currently working now? Has he paid to fix the holes in the wall? Has he replaced the wall board and repainted the walls?

I'd also consider military school. It does not sound like you are safe in the home.

When my DS was growing up and had mental health issues, I was involved in a family support group. Holes in walls were something a lot of us dealt with. And it seems weird to me to take your kid to recruiters to talk to him about respect and discipline. I guess it has the advantage of not costing anything.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take him to talk to the military recruiters. Army. Navy. Air Force. Marines.

Yes, this is really who we want in our military? HAve you learned nothing about the role of the military/police in #BLM.

Better get him therapy, volunteer work if wants to stay in your home with youth groups or disadvantaged populations, love him unconditionally but set firm boundaries for behavior.

The military is the ticket out for a lot of African Americans coming from the rural south. The military offers skills training and also money for college that many youth do
not available to them in their small towns.

My prior comment was deleted. I agree with you on the above. I’m AA and from a military family and I married a veteran. DH fit your above description exactly when he was 18. My DD is planning a career in the military. They will not want OP’s son due to his ADHD. He probably also has anxiety or depression he’s self-medicating with pot. In the years since 9/11, I have known many young men who left for basic and didn’t finish due to ADHD and mental illness. It is very embarrassing for them to return home and have to answer questions. The military doesn’t want to fix recruits. I guess I’ll be deleted again.

Yeah, the folks who think the military is some kind of social worker really trip me out.

Kind of a mixed bag, I think. Some people thrive on the discipline. Some get into more trouble and end up with a less than honorable discharge.
I know a young woman who wanted to join the military--she specifically wanted Army band, she was a French horn player who majored in music. But she had been hospitalized at around 15 with depression and suicidal ideation. That kept her out of the military. (She ended up doing a master's in music and has been teaching music in public school but she's only been able to get one year contracts, so it's still a slog for her).

I am sorry you are dealing with this, I am sure your son is a great boy even if he is making bad choices.

I would say..

-find a good therapist, anger issues and ADHD can be much easier to manage when worked through with a professional
-physical activity or another activity, it is great to have something to look forward to every week
-talk about how if he wants to get into a good college these things need to change and it isn't okay
-get a job, work for money and have structure

and honestly, last case, a wilderness retreat, I have heard wonderful things about them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take him to talk to the military recruiters. Army. Navy. Air Force. Marines.

Yes, this is really who we want in our military? HAve you learned nothing about the role of the military/police in #BLM.

Better get him therapy, volunteer work if wants to stay in your home with youth groups or disadvantaged populations, love him unconditionally but set firm boundaries for behavior.

The military is the ticket out for a lot of African Americans coming from the rural south. The military offers skills training and also money for college that many youth do
not available to them in their small towns.

My prior comment was deleted. I agree with you on the above. I’m AA and from a military family and I married a veteran. DH fit your above description exactly when he was 18. My DD is planning a career in the military. They will not want OP’s son due to his ADHD. He probably also has anxiety or depression he’s self-medicating with pot. In the years since 9/11, I have known many young men who left for basic and didn’t finish due to ADHD and mental illness. It is very embarrassing for them to return home and have to answer questions. The military doesn’t want to fix recruits. I guess I’ll be deleted again.

Thank your husband for his service.