Anonymous wrote:Op how far is your sister from your parents house? Does she work?

You have said that your sister is now in a great financial place probably from not having to pay childcare.

Your sister needs to do at least 3 days. She can opt to pay for help for one of those days if she needs to.

That will leave two days between you and your dad which I think will be easier to manage.

Back your wife on this one. She is telling you she has reached her limit. You just want her to quit complaining and go along with you, the sort of resentment that will lead to will stay in your marriage for a long time.

This is early days yet, your mother will need far more care in the years to come so go easy now because it's only going to get harder. Listen to your wife. Tell your sister that you can't manage it at the moment.

This is good advice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like people are being too hard on OP. His wife is right -- she is right! -- but this is his MOTHER not some distant relative. Yes he should sit down with his family of origin and discuss solutions, but he can't make his sister pay. What is he going to do, wrestle her checkbook away from her and forge her signature? He can't make her pay.

Then his dad takes early retirement and takes care of the mom.

I’m sorry, but this is a situation where the dad and the sister are basically saying they don’t want to pay for mom’s care. That doesn’t make it OP’s responsibility. At a minimum, his dad needs to step up.

If dad uses up all his resources before a real retirement, then OP and his sister will have to figure out how to handle his care at a later date. Right now, OPs solution of putting his kids in childcare for 11+ hours a day is ridiculous. He’s going to burn out, his wife is going to be stressed and his kids will be stressed. OP’s sister is functioning as if it’s everyone’s job to subsidize her life. It’s not. She’s not going to change her attitude until OP changes his behavior.

I am not saying it SHOULD be his responsibility I am saying, as someone who lost their mom a few years ago, I can understand OP's emotional stake in this. It is his mother. All of our rationale about the wife being right can't override the emotional connection of this is his mother and he can't just throw his hands up and let the chips fall where they may. I would be mad as hell at my useless f*****g sister and her drunk ass husband and frustrated with my dad but imagine this is your mother needing (assuming you love your mom and have/had a decent relationship with her), it's not that easy. I can see why he is struggling.

If this was my mom and dad, I would be livid with my sister. That’s where my anger would be directed— NOT at my wife.

Honestly, i would not allow my sister to just say “sorry, I don’t want to help.” I would stop enabling her. If it came down to it I would even cut her out of my life. This is the type of the thing that could end our relationship forever. I would tell her what a lowlife she’s being. Until OP, gets to the point where he’s cut off his sister for being a sad excuse for a human, he has no business being even slightly annoyed with his wife.

Op how far is your sister from your parents house? Does she work?

You have said that your sister is now in a great financial place probably from not having to pay childcare.

Your sister needs to do at least 3 days. She can opt to pay for help for one of those days if she needs to.

That will leave two days between you and your dad which I think will be easier to manage.

Back your wife on this one. She is telling you she has reached her limit. You just want her to quit complaining and go along with you, the sort of resentment that will lead to will stay in your marriage for a long time.

This is early days yet, your mother will need far more care in the years to come so go easy now because it's only going to get harder. Listen to your wife. Tell your sister that you can't manage it at the moment.

OP, In my town there is an adult day center for alzheimers patients. You can even drop parents off for a couple of hours and it does not have to be a full day.
The center also provides a hot meal and two snacks.
The alzheimers and dementia patients get activities to do.

It is run by our county. I think the care is nominal in price and possibly no charge.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are you proposing OP? Are you going to be the one checking on your mother or does that fall to your wife? Will whatever you propose alter the evening routine for your wife?

+1 The fact that he keeps using "we" blur the fact that he's asking her to do this is sketchy, and that he would even start this thread scapegoating his wife when it's his sister at fault is worse yet. Add in the way OP refuses to answer any question about his sister's spouse and there's nothing to say but #teamwife.

That's not what he has said. He said she won't agree to pay for extra childcare so he could do it.

Op here

This is correct. My wife does not want to pay our sitter an extra $40/day (we pay her $20/hr for after school care) so that I can spend 2-3 hours with my mom in the afternoon.

Im off at 3, but my parents live 1 hour from my work. I would get home around 5PM, my wife gets home at 6. Normally we had a sitter pick our kids up from school and watch them until I got home at 3:30. But we would now need them to watch the kids from 7-5:30. My parents live 1 hour from my house.

My wife does not like my sister in general. She is married to an alcoholic and his behavior at holidays has been terrible. He is completely useless and can’t be trusted to watch his mother in law. My sister has spent many nights at our house with her kids, saying she’s going to leave him but she never does. I think my wife kind of lost it after she helped my sister get set up with counselling and a plan to leave and she never followed through:

My wife is a social worker and is vehemently opposed to the idea in general.

OP your wife being a social worker knows what kind of person stays married to an alcoholic and how undependable people like that are. She also has a greater understanding of how it’s ALL going to be in you (and her) to manage this situation. Say no now. Your mother needs REAL care not a patched together “pitch in” by your wife and you at the expense of your family your jobs and benefiting your free loading sister and useless husband.

The wife has said that she is not willing to help out. Fine. She can not tell Op that he is not allowed to help out his dad with his own mother. Op probably should offer to pitch in. If he does his part, his sister does her part and their dad does his part they can manage this.

Spend less of your energy figuring out ways to weasel out of this and more energy on ways to make this manageable for everyone.

Uh no.

OP wants to spend $10,000/year of family HHI on helping his parents. He also wants to keep their kids in childcare for 11+ hours/day to do so. These are definitely things that a spouse should have input on - especially since doing this will result in a bigger burden being placed on the wife.

There’s no way the husband should get to unilaterally decide to spend 10K/year without the spouse’s approval. That’s insane.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like people are being too hard on OP. His wife is right -- she is right! -- but this is his MOTHER not some distant relative. Yes he should sit down with his family of origin and discuss solutions, but he can't make his sister pay. What is he going to do, wrestle her checkbook away from her and forge her signature? He can't make her pay.

Then his dad takes early retirement and takes care of the mom.

I’m sorry, but this is a situation where the dad and the sister are basically saying they don’t want to pay for mom’s care. That doesn’t make it OP’s responsibility. At a minimum, his dad needs to step up.

If dad uses up all his resources before a real retirement, then OP and his sister will have to figure out how to handle his care at a later date. Right now, OPs solution of putting his kids in childcare for 11+ hours a day is ridiculous. He’s going to burn out, his wife is going to be stressed and his kids will be stressed. OP’s sister is functioning as if it’s everyone’s job to subsidize her life. It’s not. She’s not going to change her attitude until OP changes his behavior.

I am not saying it SHOULD be his responsibility I am saying, as someone who lost their mom a few years ago, I can understand OP's emotional stake in this. It is his mother. All of our rationale about the wife being right can't override the emotional connection of this is his mother and he can't just throw his hands up and let the chips fall where they may. I would be mad as hell at my useless f*****g sister and her drunk ass husband and frustrated with my dad but imagine this is your mother needing (assuming you love your mom and have/had a decent relationship with her), it's not that easy. I can see why he is struggling.

Anonymous wrote:I feel like people are being too hard on OP. His wife is right -- she is right! -- but this is his MOTHER not some distant relative. Yes he should sit down with his family of origin and discuss solutions, but he can't make his sister pay. What is he going to do, wrestle her checkbook away from her and forge her signature? He can't make her pay.

You are right, of course. But the way OP wrote this, it sounds like he didn’t even try. He doesn’t seem to understand that his dad and sister aren’t stepping up. If he pushes back more, I bet his wife would be more flexible. But she’s saying no firmly because OP isn’t standing up for his family (wife and kids) at all.

Anonymous wrote:I feel like people are being too hard on OP. His wife is right -- she is right! -- but this is his MOTHER not some distant relative. Yes he should sit down with his family of origin and discuss solutions, but he can't make his sister pay. What is he going to do, wrestle her checkbook away from her and forge her signature? He can't make her pay.

Then his dad takes early retirement and takes care of the mom.

I’m sorry, but this is a situation where the dad and the sister are basically saying they don’t want to pay for mom’s care. That doesn’t make it OP’s responsibility. At a minimum, his dad needs to step up.

If dad uses up all his resources before a real retirement, then OP and his sister will have to figure out how to handle his care at a later date. Right now, OPs solution of putting his kids in childcare for 11+ hours a day is ridiculous. He’s going to burn out, his wife is going to be stressed and his kids will be stressed. OP’s sister is functioning as if it’s everyone’s job to subsidize her life. It’s not. She’s not going to change her attitude until OP changes his behavior.

Anonymous wrote:The dad needs to have a meeting with a medicaid planner to get her into a facility. He most likely could keep his house, but he needs to know the laws of his state. Or pay someone until he retires. Otherwise they have their own families and work so it's not even doable. Tit for tat with the sister isn't fair either, she has her own life as well and dad needs to take care of this.

I can't believe the wife is even a consideration. That's a lot of nerve OP.

This. OP, this is your Dad's responsibility. He needs to face reality. Your family of origin is kind of a shit show. Try to insulate your wife and kids from the drama as much as possible.

The dad needs to have a meeting with a medicaid planner to get her into a facility. He most likely could keep his house, but he needs to know the laws of his state. Or pay someone until he retires. Otherwise they have their own families and work so it's not even doable. Tit for tat with the sister isn't fair either, she has her own life as well and dad needs to take care of this.

I can't believe the wife is even a consideration. That's a lot of nerve OP.

Paying $40/day and traveling so much just to check on your mother for a few minutes is stupid.

If I were your wife, I would put my foot down too even if you didn’t have siblings to help.

1. Tweak med schedule so your mother can stay until your father comes home. Magnesium supplements are a good idea.

2. Hire a neighbor (retiree, high schooler, college student) to check on your mother. $10/hr.

3. Work on getting your mother in a nursing home. There are waiting lists, so plan now.

I feel like people are being too hard on OP. His wife is right -- she is right! -- but this is his MOTHER not some distant relative. Yes he should sit down with his family of origin and discuss solutions, but he can't make his sister pay. What is he going to do, wrestle her checkbook away from her and forge her signature? He can't make her pay.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are you proposing OP? Are you going to be the one checking on your mother or does that fall to your wife? Will whatever you propose alter the evening routine for your wife?

+1 The fact that he keeps using "we" blur the fact that he's asking her to do this is sketchy, and that he would even start this thread scapegoating his wife when it's his sister at fault is worse yet. Add in the way OP refuses to answer any question about his sister's spouse and there's nothing to say but #teamwife.

That's not what he has said. He said she won't agree to pay for extra childcare so he could do it.

Op here

This is correct. My wife does not want to pay our sitter an extra $40/day (we pay her $20/hr for after school care) so that I can spend 2-3 hours with my mom in the afternoon.

Im off at 3, but my parents live 1 hour from my work. I would get home around 5PM, my wife gets home at 6. Normally we had a sitter pick our kids up from school and watch them until I got home at 3:30. But we would now need them to watch the kids from 7-5:30. My parents live 1 hour from my house.

My wife does not like my sister in general. She is married to an alcoholic and his behavior at holidays has been terrible. He is completely useless and can’t be trusted to watch his mother in law. My sister has spent many nights at our house with her kids, saying she’s going to leave him but she never does. I think my wife kind of lost it after she helped my sister get set up with counselling and a plan to leave and she never followed through:

My wife is a social worker and is vehemently opposed to the idea in general.

OP your wife being a social worker knows what kind of person stays married to an alcoholic and how undependable people like that are. She also has a greater understanding of how it’s ALL going to be in you (and her) to manage this situation. Say no now. Your mother needs REAL care not a patched together “pitch in” by your wife and you at the expense of your family your jobs and benefiting your free loading sister and useless husband.

The wife has said that she is not willing to help out. Fine. She can not tell Op that he is not allowed to help out his dad with his own mother. Op probably should offer to pitch in. If he does his part, his sister does her part and their dad does his part they can manage this.

Spend less of your energy figuring out ways to weasel out of this and more energy on ways to make this manageable for everyone.

An hour to your parents afterwork and an hour back, just for a 30 minute visit is insane. Add in the extra costs and it is even worse. It takes those hours away from your children’s parent time. They need parent time. I don’t think that is a feasible option. Traffic can mess that up completely too. You live too far away to pride daily care. You can offer to come not he weekends for an afternoon to spell your Dad. I am with your wife just with that schedule and not all the past baggage that is lying around.

Putting your children first is your priority.

If your Mom is already on disability, there may be day places for her to go during the day. Check those out. They maybe discounted for someone on disability. Does your Mom have a county social worker assigned to her? This is where your wife may be able to help- since she may know of programs that are available.

You do need to have a tak with f your father and your sister and be able to set your boundary. You live too far away to help on a daily basis.

OP I predict this will get very messy. Your family is very selfish. Your Dad, who is married to your Mom, needs to understand that it’s his financial hit to take not yours or your wife’s.
You Mom needs real care and it will be expensive. You can be 100% certain that your sister and BIL will do little or nothing. And certainly nothing financially. It’s a hard situation but if you faced the truth: sister and BIL are useless ( really see it for once) and Dad will have to take retirement before 2 years. Your Mom is ALREADY sun downing.